Twenty-One Things I Learned at My First HUMP! Ever

All That and a Plate of Biscuits Is Coming Your Way

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Shena Lee


For all the details on HUMP! times and tickets, click here.

Although I've been associated with this dirty, filthy rag for a few years now, I have so far stayed away from HUMP!, the annual amateur-porn contest and jewel in The Stranger's dirty, filthy panties. Maybe it's because I'm admittedly skeeved out by public displays of sexuality (e.g., the time I went to the strip-club lunch buffet and then had to dry-clean my own brain), and so sitting in a room with a whole lot of clandestine man- and lady-boners watching my neighborhood barista get pleasured with the business-end of a bicycle pump didn't exactly sound like my cup of unidentifiable fluid. But this year, as film editor, I have certain duties and responsibilities. Duties and responsibilities that involve your genitals. Hooray for us all.

My introduction to HUMP! consisted of the following: four hours in a cozy room with a couple of gay dudes, a bunch of straights, a tub of cookies, no alcohol (!?), and approximately one million eight-minute videos from Seattle's best and brightest penises and vaginas.

And it was great. This year's HUMP! entries are clever, funny, sweet, technically impressive, totally fucked, adorable, bizarre, brilliant, and totally fucked again, in that order. It was, on the whole, a very instructive evening. Here is what I learned:

1. A lot about the human butthole.

2. Nothing about the imports and exports of Azerbaijan, irrigation in the Nile Delta, the complete filmography of Stacy Keach, lemurs, the freezing temperature of rocket fuel, Maria Shriver's favorite places to eat when she visits Santa Barbara, medieval France after the death of Charlemagne, or the nutritional properties of dark leafy greens such as kale. None of that is covered, just FYI.

3. My goodness. Some of you have large penises.

4. Who doesn't like naked bodies? Everyone has one, and everyone knows that everyone else has one, and everyone's is different, and some people's are awesome. Seriously, raise your hand if you don't like naked people. Liar.

5. Straight people, we get it. You're in love. You're in love and you want the whole world to see it so that all our voices shall join in the holy song of your love and rise into the heavens until your love coats every star in the sky. Just like you coated each other. In your, ahem, love. (No, seriously, good for you.)

6. You guys really, really like dogs. I mean, not in that way (I hope), but almost every single one of these videos has a dog in it somewhere. Peekin'.

7. Eight minutes is a really, really long time.

8. Eight minutes is no time at all.

9. Having sex with a Real Doll is not the same as having sex with a real woman. It is, however, very much like having sex with a real dead woman. Even if you could somehow microwave it first (where did you get that gigantic microwave?), it's still just a toasty plastic corpse. Also, could you put some sunglasses on that thing so it'll stop staring into my afterlife? Or just paint over the eyes or whatever.

10. About the human butthole again—the human butthole is STURDY.

11. Real Dolls are not.

12. There is almost nothing more disturbing than the jagged gashes that open up in the joints and throats and groins of well-used Real Dolls.

13. Seriously. SERIOUSLY.

14. Quit trying to glue her groin area back together, man! That shit is not going to work!

15. If I have sex with you, will you promise to throw that thing in the garbage?

16. I was just kidding. Get away from me with that glue.

17. Lesbians and FTM trans-persons: Whoooooa. Okay. I had no idea about your ways. I mean, the strap-ons are a gimme, as is the rubbing (who doesn't love rubbing?). But I was not aware of the whole "Okay, I'm going to take this dagger and put it on your vagina" business. And I certainly didn't know about the hammers. And maybe I didn't expect quite so much choking. But you go, lesbians and FTM trans-persons! You do your thing! Alls I'm saying is I didn't know.

18. A flying cartoon penis is more or less always funny.

19. When it comes to entendre, less is more. Remember that. Less. LESS ENTENDRE.

20. Gay dudes win. Gay dudes are the funniest, the hottest, and have the best time. We should all be so lucky to be gay dudes. I mean, not that I want to actually transform into a dude. I'm perfectly happy the way I am—I'm just saying, they're really, really good at making entertaining amateur-porn videos. Seriously! I don't have some crazy straight-girl gay envy. I'm not lying! Wow, this took a weird turn. I DON'T WANT A SEX CHANGE, NOW CAN WE PLEASE STOP TALKING ABOUT IT?

21. You, Seattle, are super hot. And funny. And fucked-up, in all the good ways. You live in a country where, unfortunately, a sizable portion of the population thinks they have the right to directly interfere with your sex life. But fuck 'em. You also live in a city where hundreds and hundreds of supportive, sexy people can get together and watch each other have sex and laugh and cry and maybe vomit and then laugh again. So fuck the religious right, right in its collective butthole. (Which, as I mentioned, is extremely sturdy and pliable.) And make sure to vote. recommended

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Comments (22) RSS

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You rule. This is flippin' hi-larious!
Posted by porn shy on October 22, 2008 at 3:33 PM · Report this
I am laughing very hard. YAY! Yay for laughs. This is rad.
Posted by Flaneur on October 22, 2008 at 4:44 PM · Report this
HUMP is totally awesome! Thank you The Stranger and thank you Seattle for getting it on!
I've been to HUMP the last two years and it's always fun. I can't go this year, which is balls, but it sounds like it's going to be a good one.
Posted by stacie917 on October 22, 2008 at 5:40 PM · Report this
I can't wait for Saturday!!!
Posted by lesbo_loving on October 22, 2008 at 9:36 PM · Report this
Is there any way in hell that non-Seattleites can see anything from HUMP?. This article really has me curious!

Posted by Dawn on October 23, 2008 at 7:43 AM · Report this
You forgot to mention Seattle is filled to the brim with self-righteous, pass-aggressive, holier-than-thou dickheads.

Oh, but by all means Seattle, celebrate how beautiul and unique and oh, you're all such wonderful little snowfalkes who have all the answers.

And Lindy, your writing is just sooooooo brilliant.

Posted by Jack on October 23, 2008 at 9:51 AM · Report this
Go back to Spokane, Jack (ass)
Posted by PippyPoopStocking on October 23, 2008 at 10:28 AM · Report this
Lindy, I will be the lesbian to your FTM trans-person... Call me. You and my pliable asshole could be so happy!
Posted by jenc01 on October 23, 2008 at 11:21 AM · Report this
I'll bite on the pass while you "sip" your coffee.... aggressive and not so into the but, or hole, jack....

perhaps you would like to "get
a job" driving around in a unmarked, "marked" car with an "unrecognizable" recognition to your antenna ball and a license(plate) so as to look like a stupid federal 'wanna'-be jack?

Or, perhaps you are a frustrated internet cop who gets thrown off the kiddy trail witness stand because you sell info to paparazzi vendors....

Or, perhaps you are a political speech writer who now sees the "gig" is out for Jan. 9, 2009...

and if so, are you worried about your homelessness situation and my apparently random attack for no real (good) reason in defense of (p.p.s.)....

Or perhaps your the only one so far who wrote in to be critical of HUMP and poor little "lindy WHO" as if she isn't capable of ignoring this space after work....


then again... maybe we LIKE to pick on you cause your easy and argumentative and esy to pick on like a easterner from NEW YORK ... or BOSTON accented or maybe, maybe, maybe....maybe,maybe, maybe....

maybe you got kicked off the local prosecution team or the ATF or the CIA or FBI... wait a minute...

they CAN'T hire enough FBI agents now to do the job with the budget so fucked up ,so your proboly not one of them unless you were a bad FBI agent... were you a BAD FBI agent, jack?

maybe your just being a "PEST" to agent lindy west....

p.s., did I see and hear you driving around in Southpark this week?
Posted by d.b.kieneker on October 23, 2008 at 12:09 PM · Report this
I wish I lived in Seattle! This California perv will just have to get his amateur porn fix somewhere else.
Posted by atsao on October 23, 2008 at 5:41 PM · Report this
I wish I was in Seattle too.
Posted by clearlyhere on October 23, 2008 at 9:40 PM · Report this
i'm sad i don't live in seattle anymore. we'll see how the election goes and if the gays can get marriage visas then hopefully we'll be entering next year.
Posted by ben_g on October 24, 2008 at 2:49 AM · Report this
Hey, not all the entries are from Seattle - Olympia's representin' an' rockin' the program with BUTT LICKIN'!
Posted by BrushaBrusha on October 24, 2008 at 12:55 PM · Report this
Great article, and I'm curious, just like Dawn. Is there any way the unfortunate non-Seattle resident can experience any of Hump's artistic videos?
Posted by jessie on October 24, 2008 at 2:28 PM · Report this
I wish The Stranger would set up an XTube account and fill it with the HUMP videos. I know some of the participants would not want their entries there, but I'll bet others would - why not have the option? And then those of us who can't attend can enjoy the fun as well. I'd give anything to see the lawnmower boy video from last year.
Posted by Mike in Oly on October 25, 2008 at 7:44 AM · Report this
i give hump maybe one more year at most. the crowd is becoming really really douchey. they said to turn off cell phones like 20 times before the thing starts. then a bunch of people can be seen from the back row using their cell phones. then the fake fuzz has to throw people out and interrupt the show.

however cool "hump" is in theory, it's wasted on people - douchiness will always triumph and subvert whatever else is truly free and liberating.

sad, sad douches.
Posted by buddha stalin on October 25, 2008 at 9:43 PM · Report this
As a straight guy, I get a visceral and unpleasant reaction to Gay porn. Doesn't matter how pro-gay rights you are, straight guys just have this innate revulsion to gay porn.

However, the gay porn films were definitely a step ahead of the straight porns in production value, artistry, and attractiveness of the participants. I must say that the straights were definitely outclassed by the gays this time around!

Also, the Gay Porn Parody of Dune was laugh out loud funny, and the production values were unbelievable...

PS: Rubber Ducky girl, dump your ducky and marry me!
Posted by Gordon Freeman on October 25, 2008 at 11:30 PM · Report this
quick question.... Are Seattle girls horny?
Posted by Danilo on October 26, 2008 at 6:39 PM · Report this
are you damn crazy this was about to kill me with laughter
Posted by mickey Mouse Biult a house on October 27, 2008 at 7:01 PM · Report this
That is the best review of anything EVER!
Posted by Tattooed Jew on October 28, 2008 at 10:02 AM · Report this
As for me, I learned nothing at HUMP.
Posted by jaaaaaaaaay! on October 28, 2008 at 7:45 PM · Report this
Awesome, Lindy. Another great piece. Keep it up!
Posted by chuck.749 on July 21, 2009 at 8:19 AM · Report this

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