Film

On Screen

Go for the Flying Dog, Stay for the Fat Hamster

by Megan Seling

Disney Enterprises, Inc.

CUTE, BACKWARD PUPPY VS. FLYING RATS Everybody wins!

Bolt isn't as fantastic looking as The Incredibles, and it isn't as thoughtful and tender as Wall•E, but it is a movie about a goddamn puppy that thinks he's a real-life superhero so... of course I'm going to love it!

And yeah, the puppy's cute, but he's a little backward. He grew up on a movie set, starring in a TV show, and he has no clue that it's all pretend. He really does think he has a deadly "super bark"; he really does think he can leap through the air from building to building and run faster than a car zooming down the interstate. Turns out, Bolt is kind of a dolt.

But Rhino is fucking awesome. Rhino is probably the best fat sidekick in any Disney movie ever (because there's always a fat sidekick—Gus Gus, Flounder, Pumbaa, etc.), and he's the only reason you should even give a shit about this movie. Rhino is a fluffy hamster in a plastic ball who watches TV all day, and he's a big fan of Bolt's show. And wouldn't you know it, after a clumsy mishap takes Bolt off the set and into the real world, Bolt ends up in Rhino's trailer park. Rhino freaks the fuck out! (Bolt also meets some alley cat along the way, but she's not that funny or that cute, so whatever.)

But now that Bolt is thousands of miles away from home, he's coming to the realization that he's not a superdog after all, he's just a regular little puppy—how the fuck is Bolt supposed to get home without superpowers? With a little help from his new friends, of course! Cue corny montage of the trio traveling from city to city across the U.S., having various adventures and bonding moments. Sigh. But thank Christ that Rhino is there. Yay for Rhino! Sorta yay for Bolt! And no thanks to the dumb cat!

The only gripe I have is this: If you're going to make a movie 3-D, make it fucking 3-D. I want to see shit flying at my face. I want to be ducking and jumping and screaming and doing all that stuff you're supposed to do when watching a 3-D movie. Don't just make the grass look a little closer to me than the dog. That's boring. That's a waste of effort, and it makes me feel like I wore those stupid-lookin' glasses for nothing.