To liven things up a bit, I asked Bess Gabrielle Lovejoy, a Vancouver, BC resident, to select three crimes from the hundreds of police reports that were filed in Seattle this week. I hope this experiment will tell us more about our city and our prettier twin up north.

Beware of the Young Black Republicans/Downtown/ Wed June 20/11:17 am: On June 3, the assistant program director for Fisher Radio received a fax from a man stating that his organization, National Young Black Republicans, was going to post the names, addresses, and social security numbers of various media personalities, as well as regular employees of Fisher Radio Seattle. Today, the assistant program director decided to report the incident to the police, explaining that he and other employees were actually afraid of this sinister collective of young black republicans. Fisher Radio is the parent company for STAR 101.5, KVI TALK RADIO 570, and KOMO AM 1000.

Bess: The plague of the black Republicans cannot spread north. Our black community is small; we lack Republicans and social security numbers. This sinister crime is totally Seattle.

Clucking Cole/Downtown/Wed June 20/12:45 pm: Officer Pitts writes, "I shook Cole in the 110 block of Pike St. I know Cole has been clucking for various dealers in and around the drug areas. I also know Cole to be violent. Cole has made veiled threats against the police in the past. When I reached for his ID, I noticed several credit cards in his hands. I know Cole to be a transient without any property other than the clothes he wears. I asked about the cards. He said that he traded some 'guy' something for them. He also stated that he had intended to go straight to the bank to turn them in. After I chuckled, I recovered the cards from Cole."

Bess: This is the master report! Police reports aspire to present diverse elements within a static gaze; their goals, language, and process all dream of definitive limits. But the sacred has a way of leaking out the profane, as when officers document their own chuckling. The master report could not be Canadian. Handguns aren't even legal in Canada.

These Little Town Blues/Seward Park/Wed June 20/2:10 pm: The suspect is real cool; he cuts school, during which time he plays pool, shoots straight, lurks late, raps menacingly, sips Hennessy, hiphops June, and, at this rate, will die soon. The suspect's parents are very concerned; they want him to stay in school, obey orders, and grow up and make something of himself. Of late, the young man has become even more difficult because he wants to move to New York City, but his parents won't let him. Today, the suspect exploded into a violent rage, threw objects at his mother, and called her a bitch. When the cops arrived, they arrested him and demanded an explanation for his bad behavior. "I hate Seattle!" he responded. "I want to move to New York, but my mother won't let me." The Seattle hater was later charged with misdemeanor assault and harassment.

Bess: Vancouver's stunning setting belies the agony of self-doubt attacking its built environment. Imagining ourselves as the Los Angeles of Canada, we build sunny stucco houses that stain, rot, and fall apart. Our indigenous architectural form, the Vancouver special (bottom brick, top stucco), makes this dysphoria awkwardly clear.

Seattle long ago admitted its rainy climate, building warm Queen Anne in brick and stone. And Seattle will be beautiful as long as it stays true to its desire to sit and eat chocolate by a fire, because Seattle is not an adolescent, but comfortable with its pastiness and paunch.

But maybe the suspect has a lesson for us. Maybe we always want to be somewhere else. His not-so-secret heart yearns for New York: Perhaps he imagines dark and sultry nights, exotic pastimes, endless hiphop shows. And perhaps I am just blind to Seattle's betrayals?