From the South (as in CA)
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Mar 6, 2015 From the South (as in CA) commented on Check Out This Commercial from 1975.
I will admit that my girlfriend at the time of my first real kiss was wearing Loves Baby Soft and that scent turned me on for years after. And by "years" I mean 7th and 8th grade (though it was a nostalgic scent when I'd smell it as I went through HS). I had a similar experience with Carolina Herrera in my one-and-only "older woman" experience (I was 22 and she was 30 so not really that much "older" just felt scandalous way back when) - I'd think of her every time I smelled it for many years after. Scents are funny.
Feb 3, 2015 From the South (as in CA) commented on Savage Love.
MMSL - as someone who is recovering from major surgery but with the OK to resume sex, I understand what your husband is going through and can imagine what you might be feeling. Go back to when you were discovering each other's likes and dislikes and then ask - "how does this feel? what about this position? are you interested in this? up for trying that?" And he may feel like driving thngs a bit more. I had to ask my nurse whether it was OK to start and then my doc more recently if I could resume a certain position. The medical advisors have heard all the questions so you can ask so you can feel comfortable - and it is pretty thriilling to get an email from the nurse that says, "let her drive for a while" (well, it was for us).

Don't hold back - make the conversation sexy and know that your intimacy is a big part of his recovery and your recovery as a couple. Good luck!
Jan 22, 2015 From the South (as in CA) commented on SL Letter of the Day: Closure.
My take: the boy was wrong for copping a feel w/o permission. Everything else is "normal" and to expect him to ask for consent before organism assumes he knows the signs. It does not seem that she was objecting to him being on top of her, or even the rubbing, only to the orgasm - or that the rubbing/dry humping only became a violation because or after he came (like that made it non-consensual sex instead of a consensual make-out session).

I am sensitive to her feelings and she needs help addressing those. What she does not need nor should receive is an apology for him (except for the groping though some 7 years later, he might not remember and not remembering at 21 does not mean he is an asshole for what he did at 14).

When I was 13 and 14, I had some great make out sessions - I remember even touching my then-GF's skin on her stomach at 13 and my then-GF's breasts just before I was 14. Sometimes my girfriends were on top and sometimes I was. But I can say - and believe this or not - that I would have had ZERO warning of an impending orgasm at that time since I had not yet had one. I'd see preejaculate after and figured, "well, I guess". I did not maturbate at that time. At the end of 8th grade, I had my first awake orgasm and it happened, embarrasingly, on a long bus ride with my head in my girlfriend's lap and her stroking my neck. My neck! I pretended to be asleep after and HOPED that the stain would be dry before I got up - not even knowing what it might look like (how wet, etc.). So even for some relatively "experienced" 13 or 14 year old boys, knowing how and when a first orgasm would occur is expecting a lot. If I had come in my jeans while on top of my girlfriend, I'd have been embarrassesd but because we never did anything that we both were not into, I'd never expect her appearing to ask for an apology years later. (NB: I am still friends with one of those two girls, almost 30 years later. She's one of my best friends and I adore her husband, too)
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Sep 3, 2014 From the South (as in CA) commented on SL Letter of the Day: Hate the Game.
I am really surprised at the # of people supporting the "joker" and dismissing the overly sensitive "victim". Part of my job as a parent is to help my kids develop thick skins (play through tears, we say when it is in the context of a soccer or baseball field) so that they are not easily victimized - and that is how I'd handle the "victim" if she were my child (help her get over it, tell her it was a stupid joke, and get her to try to move on) BUT we also work on being good and decent people and treating folks respectfully. As I wrote, "adding 'LOL'" or saying, "I'm just joking" is not sufficient. And, in fact, it is the MO of a classic work-place bully, harasser. How many guys have said "frigid bitch" to someone who did not join in laughing about his advances or did not find his pick up line so endearing? My wife makes a living counseling businesses on how to avoid this type of stuff. And, in fact, if the "victim" was really traumatized and if the "joker" was actually more aggressive than the LW let on, maybe she (the "joker") was a really mean bully who got off on making the victim feel uncomfortable.

So if I hear my kid play this "game" with kids who do not want to play, I'd tell him or her to knock it off, to respect the other's space and to apologize. Said another way, as others have, if it is a boy (say a member the "Rape Posse" in the news a year or so ago) going around telling girls, "I want to fuck you" or "I want to have sex with you" and adding a "ha ha ha", we'd be stumbling all over ourselves to condemn the behavior.
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Sep 2, 2014 From the South (as in CA) commented on SL Letter of the Day: Hate the Game.
Adding "LOL" to something hurtful, aggressive, intimidating does not make it OK and that seems to be the dad's attitude. Unless all participants in the "game" are willingly participating, this is off limits. If I work in an office and I learn that the woman 2 offices down is open about sex because my buddy and she fuck around, I don't have license to say to her, "let's play a game. I want to fuck you. LOL. It's a game!" The fact that she's "open" rather than conservative (even phobic) does not make this one "safe".

It is a stupid game and the girl who made the other uncomfortable should apologize. The father should explain to his daughter that you can't joke about certain things w/o being absolutely 100% certain you are speaking the same language and it does not make someone represesed or phobic because they don't want to play. Sometimes they don't want to play. And sometimes they don't want to play WITH YOU. That does not make them "wrong" in this scenario.
Aug 29, 2014 From the South (as in CA) commented on SL Letter of the Day: Shelfies.
I think that photo is pretty hot and if I were part of the online dating scene, I'd definitely do this and an interesting book shelf (nice rack!) or reading list would add to someone's attractiveness. And alphabetizing or grouping by topic? Well, for some, that is probably a turn on but I sort of like the disorganization. Matches my own shelf.
Aug 20, 2014 From the South (as in CA) commented on SL Letters of the Day: Who Am I Cuckolding Here?.
lots of good comments on warning signals and the fact that he may just be a manipulative asshole. But, taking this narrowly and assuming that it was all about the cuckolding fantasy . . .

fuck guys you are comfortable with and then tell him the stories. But, instead of talking about Joe, the barista who likes to flirt, make it be about Simon, the made-up hot waiter from the fake bistro where you had lunch. You can even make it clear to the husband (or boyfriend) - you won't do this with randoms but the stories will be.
Jul 8, 2014 From the South (as in CA) commented on SL Letter of the Day: Legal Highs.
The pot issue is a complicated one and I am guessing we just don't have enough information (as @4 and @6 have suggested). It may be the illegality thing - in which case, a change of venue can change that - but some people don't do well smoking weed (even if, in their minds, they are doing so recreationally) just like others don't do well drinking alcohol (even, again, recreationally). Immediately taking the position that she has the problem because he wants to smoke pot is overly simplistic.

I have a number of friends (all of us in our 40s) who smoke pot and I see that they have zero problems. I also have a child who smokes and there is no question in my mind (and that of his doctors) that it is not benign for him. We are in one of the most weed-friendly places in CA (including my son's docs) but just because one is weed-friendly does not mean that it is for everyone or that smoking makes you immune from being an asshole while high or that you can get away with smoking every day w/o consequences.
May 22, 2014 From the South (as in CA) commented on The Most Fundamental Truth About Sex.
the "big lie" is talking only about the mechanics of sex (pregnancy, STDs, what goes where) w/o talking about the feelings around sex (it feels good, it makes us jealous, it is funny/fun/interesting/emotional, etc.). It is not so much a "lie" but an incomplete truth. I think many parents feel that they are doing their job to talk about the "birds and the bees" but unless the parents only have sex for procreation (and not entertainment/recreation), the topic remains incompletely presented. That's all.

Using the word "lie" was hyperbolic. I did not intend it literally and did not think it would be taken as such.
May 21, 2014 From the South (as in CA) commented on The Most Fundamental Truth About Sex.
I don't do internet commentary well insofar as I don't engage in name-calling, petty insults, etc. But I do see what you are doing here, @41 - you are making shit up.

I did not "criticize the public school system for educating kids on a topic that they aren't responsible for". Or I am missing or forgetting how I did. I did mention sex ed and a diagram but that was not a criticism - it was an observation that a diagram was not the same of being with a real live girl and exploring each other's bodies.

I am writing about what I am doing - as a parent - to educate my kids. I am lucky that my son does have a great student heath center on his HS campus but I don't expect the school to talk with him about his sexuality. However, if he feels that he needs to talk to an adult who is not dad (or mom), he knows there are resources there (and we are not part of a church or synagogue so we are not looking there for guidance on morality).

And you may think it is exaggerated - it is not. But it is not perfect. We have some extreme struggles and HS/teenage years have been a major, major challenge for us in many ways. But I made a decision about how I was going to approach the Trifecta of Sex-Drugs-Alcohol (yes, you can treat the last 2 as part of the same). And that started early. But I am lucky because I had an amazing mom and amazing sisters and amazing girl/women friends and then amazing men friends (we share a lot of the challenges of parenting in this era). My wife is pretty great, too, but she was raised in a more socially conservative household and it is harder for her to join the discussion. So you may not believe me. You may think I am puffing. But I don't care all that much because I know. I know that if you asked my son, he'd tell you the truth but he'd also tell me he wish I'd back off on discussing schoolwork, social media, friends, etc. There is much I don't do right as a parent but I do think, generally, I am getting the sex stuff right.
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