Personally, I have some hangups when people go down on me, too, but that doesn't change the fact that out of the more-than-a-few men I've been with, exactly zero seemed to really know what they were doing down there. And unlike what I think Dan was suggesting, mediocre oral is boring and tedious and just awkward for both parties.

Easy way to kill two birds with one stone: start masturbating. Most of the women I know who think vaginas are "gross" don't or rarely masturbate, and can barely stomach It's amazing how many women don't masturbate, thereby continuing to allow themselves to think of themselves and their genitals as also disgusting. But if you spend a lot of time figuring out what's going on down there, then not only will you eventually get comfortable with that part of your anatomy, but you'll also know exactly what parts of you need to be stimulated, and in what way, and then you can give a good partner good pointers. And if you aren't entirely comfortable using your hands, go out and get yourself a toy! That makes it easier for a lot of women.

If you already masturbate, great! Then utilize what you already know to give your guy some pointers. If he's a good partner, he'll be receptive. If he's not (I've been with guys who inexplicably got angry when I tried to explain what I wanted), than I would recommend getting a new partner.

But with how little focus is placed on understanding female anatomy or sexuality in our culture, not much is going to change until you know what you want and can communicate that to your partner. Or, find a partner who has already been taught a lot by a woman who was comfortable. Even so though, in a healthy relationship, a woman still has to be able to communicate what she wants to her guy because women's experiences and preferences are all very different.

I haven't made it through even half of the comments yet, but I have to respond to what EricaP was asking farther up the thread about how D/s non-sexual behavior is akin to/different from kissing, hugging, butt-slapping, etc.

As someone who thinks that PDA is just generally inappropriate... I would say even if there is much of a difference in what you're describing... It is still inappropriate to do in front of most people. Any time you touch or flirt with someone in public, you are inviting them into your own intimacy, which can be extremely uncomfortable for many people, myself definitely included. Usually when I see people behaving in this manner, they have half-tuned-out others present to begin with, and are definitely not making a real concerted effort to be polite and see their actions from someone else's perspective.

But leaving aside whether or not PDA is acceptable... perhaps we could compromise and say that PDA which has no sexual connotation is appropriate? In this case, if we're assuming that some D/s behavior has no sexual connotation, then it stands that the behavior/touching still has some sort of connotation to other outside parties who are witness to it. They are going to infer something about the behavior; they can't help it.

To me, D/s behavior isn't appropriate in public because 1)sexual behavior is not appropriate in public and 2)behavior that suggests there is a power differential NOT related to sex is not something that I would want a child to see. As a conscientious feminist and egalitarian, I definitely want my kids to grow up, as much as possible, viewing themselves as individuals who should not accept or aspire to being controlled by another individual. If they grow up and then are capable of making the conscious and well-informed choice to participate in a D/s lifestyle, that's fine, but I don't want it to be because they internalized that behavior from someone else without the ability to think critically about it. Even if that seems as "benign" as watching one partner usually or always follow the demands or requests of another.

Furthermore, if the behavior has no sexual connotation, it is completely acceptable for an outside adult source to see the behavior as, at the very least, unhealthy if not abusive. To the average outsider, abuse and a D/s lifestyle don't look very different, and the polite and conscientious D/s participator should probably abstain because of that. If the person doesn't abstain, they should at least always be able and ready to admit and explain what is going on in their relationship, and not blame the person who was brave and concerned enough to try to spot and then stop abuse if they don't immediately accept it. To the outside observer, a D/s relationship has a lot of overlap with abuse... and it's not a bad thing if the observer looks with a suspicious eye at someone who is saying they aren't being abused. Abused people do this often.

In short, I have no idea if a D/s lifestyle outside of the bedroom is healthy or not. I can think of plenty of good evidence to suggest both viewpoints, most of which has already been touched on in other comments. But I don't think it's appropriate in public, or in front of children. The daughter of the woman in question has every right to not expose her children to this kind of behavior, and to deny the BF the ability to be around the children if he and her mother can't put their behavior aside. Maybe he's really abusive, maybe he's not, but if he and his gf can't stop the behavior while they're around the children... maybe they are the real assholes here, and the daughter is right all along.

I've only heard one person mention this so far, and they didn't go into detail: HPV. More and more recent evidence more than suggests that HPV can be passed orally. The most awful side effects of this viral infection is CANCER (cervical cancer for women, throat cancer for men, among other possible kinds). Some kinds of HPV cause cervical warts, and some kinds don't do anything to the carrier, but may do something to subsequent partners, and give the diagnosed carrier the stigma of having an untreatable STI.

It is really, really important that people realize that oral is not as safe as we were all once taught in health class (if we had responsible sex ed programs), and that it can cause problems for us and any potential partners. HPV is the most widespread STI in the US, and the number of people who have this infection is growing at a exponential rate (eight years ago, when I first heard about it, it was estimated that 20% of college women had it. And that was then, before they even tested men for the disease). He is absolutely right to use a condom and to think about this encounter as he would any other type of unprotected sex, and anyone who performs unprotected oral on someone without being tested should do the same.

The ability to have frequent sex is not necessarily the mark of a "compatible" sexual relationship. I imagine that if you two were (although I doubt it) as beholden to Jesus as you would like to portray yourselves, that means that you never looked at porn or masturbated either. Meaning that neither of you had any clue before your wedding night WHAT you found sexually arousing: What kind of people, what kind of activities. Surely, as good Christians, you immediately clamped down on any sexual thoughts or feelings that you had as soon as they arose, knowing that even thoughts represented the sins of lust and possibly- depending on your doctrine's beliefs- adultery.

Naturally, the first time you ever allowed yourselves to feel and accept your own arousal was on your wedding night, and of course that would have been an amazing experience... provided all the mental scolding you've been giving your nasty libido since you were a pre-teen hasn't permanently given you a complex about sex (unbelievably unlikely).

However, if you haven't done that mental censorship on your sexual thoughts and feelings, you just might not be as pure as the Judeo-Christian God demands- meaning that your input here is hypocritical and invalid.

How many times does the Bible mention pride as the greatest sin...? Probably should have taken that plank out of your own eye first. Then again, had you done that, you wouldn't have written in.