commented on SLLOTD: Hug Your Children
@ 8, 9 and 11, are you all middle class or something? My English working class family had absolutely no problems saying "I love you" every day, and my husband's family were the same way. Sure, as teenagers we would roll our eyes and go "ugh", but I'm now 40 and still end every phone conversation with my Mum by saying "love you" - and for that matter, with my 18yr old son, too.
commented on SL Letter of the Day: Mate Or Mat?
I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that your wife is a victim of sexual violence, probably as a child.
If it was just general distate for anything sexual, then I would assume she had been raised very sex negatively, or was overly religious, or perhaps had been put off sex by the horrible pain and messiness of childbirth.
However, the sexual banter and possible activity with other men points to someone with more deep-seated and conflicted sexual issues - she feels that she MUST be perceived as a sexual being in order to be valued, yet at the same time she feels that anyone who genuinely loves her should not want to have sex with her, because sex is wrong and awful and traumatic.
The reason I feel quite confident making this massive assumption is that your wife sounds like me, 15 years ago, before I got therapy for the sexual abuse I survived as a child.
I couldn't bear having sex with my long term partner unless I was blitzed out of my mind and if he talked to me sexually I shied away. However, I was happy to flirt in a totally over the top way with strange men and frequently went home with them and fucked them silly.
It's hard to explain to people who haven't experienced abuse how much it totally fucks up your expression of your sexuality, especially within what should be loving relationships. It's a long term process to work through therapy - and it is WORK, hard work that will take a good deal of time and effort.
I suggest you lay your cards on the table with wifey now - let her know that she's making you so unhappy that unless things change, you're going to have to leave. Unless she can get the help she needs to realign her sexual expression to a more healthy point, your marriage is doomed.
It might be doomed anyway - because the reasons she chose you for a mate may be completely tied up with her mental health state and once she's in recovery, she may realise she needs to be on her own or with someone different. But she owes it to you and the kids to find out.
commented on Savage Love
Whoops, sorry for cut off comment.
Absolutely agree with 25 and 27. I ALWAYS have pain during sex without lube with any partner who has an average or above average size cock.
You may have more luck if you start to use your fingers on her pussy for a few minutes before you go in with your cock. Start with 1, then 2 - the idea is to loosen it up slightly.
You may also find certain positions are better for her comfort level. I personally find it almost painless if I'm on top, but doggy style becomes painful after less than 5 minutes (which sucks because it used to be my favourite position.)
My fella and I now tend to fool around with mouths and fingers for a good 20 minutes before attempting vaginal sex, so that he's fairly close to blowing his load anyway. That way penetration doesn't last more than about 5 minutes for me with much less pain as a result. In fact we probably only have vaginal about 1 in 3 times we have sex - the rest we just finish off by oral or manual. (That's still "having sex", you know. Penis in vagina is not the ultimate goal here - the ultimate goal is that we both have a great time.)
BABB, do you have this problem with oral? I'm wondering if you used to use the Death Grip when masturbating (holding your dick too tight) and that makes it harder for you to come during other forms of sex.
Another fella I met with this problem of not coming even after a long period of vaginal, he was a heavy drinker, and it was particularly bad when he was drunk. Often we just used to give up. I think the alcohol probably dulls the sensation or something. So if you're drinking before sex - stop.
And Thanks to 24 for the tip about Agape lube, I'm gonna see if I can get some.
Nov 16, 2011
joined My Stranger Face
Nov 16, 2011
commented on Beating the Hell Out of Black Children
My partner is Nigerian (born in the UK just after his parents immigrated here.) He feels it is simply culturally accepted/expected in African families to use severe physical "discipline" with kids.
He told me that his mother once put his sister in the hospital after hitting her with a cast iron frying pan. I said, "That's terrible! What could make her do that?" He said "Well my sister was trying to stab my mum." After this episode his sister left home and wasn't heard from for two years - nobody to this day knows where she was.
He also told me plenty of stories about his dad beating him as a punishment for nearly being run over in the street (WTF?!) and his mum taking a rolling pin to him after he went to an all night party.
Despite the fact that this abuse clearly didn't work in bringing the kids into line - in fact my boyfriend was even sent over to Nigeria for a year when he was 15 as his mum couldn't cope with his antics - he still just shrugs his shoulders and says "that's how we do things in African families, you have to teach them respect!"
He applied the same principles to raising his own kids (although not to the extent of beating them, thank god, he did smack them) but will then tell me about how his son regularly stole money from both parents and his daughter would deliberately ruin things, for example pouring a can of drink all over the back seat of a new car!
Although I freely admit making many mistakes when raising my son, failing to hit him definitely wasn't one of them. My son may be sometimes lazy and reluctant to help around the house, but he has never stolen from me, shouted at me or sworn at me, and in general obeys his curfew times, helps out, etc. He loves and respects me rather than fearing me, and me saying "I'm disappointed in you" or "You've let me down" has a far, far greater impact than a whack on the bum could ever do.
For the record, my white, middle-class, well-educated father beat me and my sister, and neither of us have had any contact with him since 1989.