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Nov 1 misspiggy commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: His Woes Are Similar to WOES Woes.
I'd add that if a wife in this situation is on the pill, her libido, already knackered by kids and exhaustion, is going to vanish. Off the pill, my libido is actually rather frightening. On the pill, with no kids, I'm a twice a week girl.

So - equalise the labour, give mum time away from the kids - and from sex - to feel like her own person for a bit, be good in bed, and use condoms or get a vasectomy. Oh, and don't forget to present yourself as a dynamic, varied and interesting man to your wife. I think the thing about women needing variation and distance to desire someone has a lot of truth to it.

Sounds like a lot of work? It is. But nothing compared to the effort a single man would have to put in to get decent sex once a week.
Oct 5 misspiggy commented on Savage Love.
Yes to finding someone who can diagnose you properly. Spent years with terrible problems and being fobbed off. Told it was my age. Turned out it was Strep B, which many labs in the UK are not set up to test for. The right antibiotic, delivered at the right strength and in the right way, worked and my life is transformed. When it recurs and I can't get to the right doctor yet, high strength garlic extract helps.
Sep 22 misspiggy commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: She Wants To Want Her Husband Again.
@97: I can see where both of you are coming from. Do you feel like you have too much intimacy, almost like you're his mother? That's what the bathroom incident seemed like to me. Why would he try to come into the bathroom? He's not a toddler. Why would he tease you about how long you took? How does that help preserve the separation/mystique needed to desire each other?

On the other hand, you going straight to such clear anger over something like that would be very hard to live with. I guess in a perfect world, if you were already fairly happy with him, you might have assertively said you didn't want any more bathroom related teasing or intrusion, OK? - but you'd have said it before you got truly angry. Not easy, given the current dynamics between you.

You could divorce him but allow him to keep living with you for a set period; not an easy road to take, but it could work for some, if you got careful legal advice.

Or you could keep trying together to find a new way of interacting. Marriage counselling, maybe assertiveness training for both of you. That might lead you to desire him again, but it doesn't sound like a short term route. During that time you'd have to really avoid your crush, assuming they are a real person you know and not a convenient filmstar. Good luck!
Sep 21 misspiggy commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Daddy Issues.
An alternative is for LW to look online for a fine upstanding guy who is only a few years older than him (but maybe a bit dominant) and looks grey and lined, in a hot way. This is a legit look for men and personally it's my favourite.
Sep 19 misspiggy commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: She Wants To Want Her Husband Again.
You got married because of his daughter and you didn't move in together until a year after marrying; he didn't handle your mental health issues well from your perspective, and there are other life stresses. Thanks for coming back and sharing these things, because it illuminates the sex stuff to an outsider. I'd say your marriage has a lot of challenges and needs a really strong sexual connection, which you don't currently have.

His lack of assertiveness seems to be at the root of a lot of it. Could you work on that as a last ditch effort? You seem to be saying, if you can't be assertive in life, be assertive in bed. But I wonder whether he needs to try both. I tried to get my husband to dominate me more, and it was a long and complicated road. I had to give him more genuine space to explore it, not just play-acting. I had to actually be more submissive to bring out his more dominant side, and convince him I wasn't going to change my mind or suddenly accuse him of being the bad guy.

I think the open relationship thing has disaster written all over it, because of the deeper issues in your marriage. He could just end up a companionate parent, with little respect from you and sidelined in his own sex life. You could always ask him which scenario is least worst; divorced, open marriage forced on him, or seriously attempting to find his inner Dom.
Aug 17 misspiggy commented on Savage Love.
PFFT needs to take a leaf out of PORN's book. Odd sex acts with little communication, and secrecy as to at least one partner's motives, keep long relationships interesting. Kids these days with their openness and mutual respect - of course that's going to get dull.
Jun 28 misspiggy commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Old Dirty Pics Piss Off Sex-Starved Spouse.
One more thought. My husband gets upset that he is making my pain worse by having sex with me. Possibly some deep-rooted gender stuff going on. I have to keep reminding him that I am making my pain worse by having sex with him. It's not his responsibility. I will not give up intimacy and pleasure just because I'm going to be tortured for it later. That's my choice. To feel that he's doing something bad to me is denying my agency.

Also, this kind of illness is degenerative, and it can seem that nobody is able to help. But (in my case) you can get treatment and make changes which massively improve one's quality of life. If this is at all an option for NHS's wife, this is going to be a vital direction to pursue, in addition to everything else.
Jun 28 misspiggy commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Old Dirty Pics Piss Off Sex-Starved Spouse.
I think I have the same condition as the wife, or one very similar. And yes @16, bizarrely missionary is the only comfortable position. Bodies are weird. I really hope the LW reads the comments, because I want to plead with him to take a moment and grieve for all the things that are making his and her life so hard. And then hopefully bring his head up and decide to take the best out of what is in front of him.

Someone else I know with this condition said that you can't just take joy in the easy moments. When so much of life is pain, fatigue and unpredictable failure, there won't be enough easy moments to make your time together bearable. You have to do your best to take joy in everything.

It would also be useful to make things more honest and more fun, or everything will just be a grind. I can't tell the LW how to do this in the context of his relationship, but acknowledging how painful it is to constantly see a loved one suffer may be the first step. I know my husband resents me at times for causing him so much mental pain in witnessing my physical pain. But all we can do is face it, name it and choose to move through it together, appreciating how much love there must be for him to stay.

If you can no longer bear it, don't stay, or take a break - but do everything you can not to let this situation turn you bitter against your partner. If you can manage that, I think the sex will become wonderful again. Opening the relationship may be a practical stopgap, but it won't heal the situation on its own and could make things worse, if that's all that changes.
Jun 22 misspiggy commented on Savage Love.
Isn't the key to Spike's situation that his coworkers know his name is related to a fetish? If Spike had kept quiet about being a puppy and just presented coworkers with a new name, there would be no issue. But that's not what happened. If the married woman changed her name and explained it was also her slave name, everyone in the office would recoil because TMI.

But if someone changed gender identity and launched a new name, it would be wrong not to honour that name. Neither puppy play nor BDSM nor gender transition are necessarily about sex acts, so that's not the source of the squickiness. What is making me go 'eww, no,' about calling someone Spike 'cos he's a puppy, compared with him just changing his name and leaving his coworkers in blissful ignorance?
Jun 22 misspiggy commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Target Engaged.
I think Corydon @5 and EricaP@15 have it. As far as the mortgage payment goes, can't they set up a legal agreement setting out their rights? This is normal in the UK if people aren't married. They need to be clear whether she would pay rent to him, or whether she would be purchasing a proportion of the property's value, that he would buy back if he kicked her out (in either case, she'd probably develop tenant's rights just by living there a while).

If he's willing to involve her in a property that he is buying, and has thought through the implications, that is a much bigger commitment than getting engaged. She may want to reflect on that.