Apr 26
marmer commented on Savage Love.
Yes. In American suburbia, no romantic sleepovers for teens. Gender and sexual identity ideally shouldn't matter. Everybody who pays attention knows that the Dutch (and most Western Europeans) are far more sensible about sex and for that matter most everything else cultural than Americans. Knowing that hasn't made American society more sensible about sex, though. If that's the society in which you live, teen romantic sleepovers are going to raise eyebrows big time.
There's nothing at all wrong with the idea that the privilege to have sex in your own place is something you have to work for, not have handed to you. It's a rite of passage, or maturity, or something.
There's nothing at all wrong with the idea that the privilege to have sex in your own place is something you have to work for, not have handed to you. It's a rite of passage, or maturity, or something.
Apr 18
marmer commented on Savage Love.
As someone who grew up in the '60s and early '70s, I am constantly surprised at the amount of societal pushback there seems to be about pot. It was commonly considered harmless in 1975 and now the feds are going after medical users, and the feds are going after the states that legalized it, and all the red states want to drug test welfare recipients, and lots and lots of employers are doing drug testing for basically no real reason. We're not talking airline pilots and bus drivers here. Proceed with caution if you're going to make pot an important part of your life. In the majority of this country you are putting yourself in significant legal jeopardy. I think it's totally groundless, but they didn't ask me.
Apr 17
marmer commented on Savage Love Episode 338.
I'm surprised that there was no mention of the "it gets better" effect for slut shaming. Basically, you'll get older, and you'll leave the toxic community. In the meantime, you have to do like agony said and refuse to accept shame, which is really hard for teenagers to do, I know. Especially when you have been the victim of a violent crime. But healing is what you need and you need to be in an environment that won't make it worse.
I don't think either married couple should break up -- I think they need to do like Lawrence #36 said and explore a companionate marriage, or open marriage, or something. Sometimes you don't get everything you want, even if what you want is monogamy. Not worth throwing the baby out with the bath water. And speaking of babies -- this is really going to get me in trouble...
OK. Bitches be crazy. I get that. And men be pigs, too. I'm not willing to accept the total craziness of the caller's ex at face value. I also don't accept the "sanctity" of their breakup. He's a grownup, presumably, and she's a grownup, too. They were together for a year and obviously sexually compatible. They need to get married and have the kid together. They need to move past whatever nonsense that was driving each other crazy and put the relationship first. Two basically decent human beings who are sexually attracted to each other ought to be able to make each other happy. He needs to be involved in the pregnancy, the birth, and the raising of the infant. Give it four years. If they can't possibly make it work then she's not the single parent of a newborn, she's the single parent of a preschooler or a kindergartener. Big difference. And maybe there will be some maturing on the part of the parents and they will hold on to what they saw in each other to begin with. And a marriage will define his parental rights.
Does she even want this baby? There is, after all, abortion, in some states anyway. Sounds like she does. That speaks well of her.
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I don't think either married couple should break up -- I think they need to do like Lawrence #36 said and explore a companionate marriage, or open marriage, or something. Sometimes you don't get everything you want, even if what you want is monogamy. Not worth throwing the baby out with the bath water. And speaking of babies -- this is really going to get me in trouble...
OK. Bitches be crazy. I get that. And men be pigs, too. I'm not willing to accept the total craziness of the caller's ex at face value. I also don't accept the "sanctity" of their breakup. He's a grownup, presumably, and she's a grownup, too. They were together for a year and obviously sexually compatible. They need to get married and have the kid together. They need to move past whatever nonsense that was driving each other crazy and put the relationship first. Two basically decent human beings who are sexually attracted to each other ought to be able to make each other happy. He needs to be involved in the pregnancy, the birth, and the raising of the infant. Give it four years. If they can't possibly make it work then she's not the single parent of a newborn, she's the single parent of a preschooler or a kindergartener. Big difference. And maybe there will be some maturing on the part of the parents and they will hold on to what they saw in each other to begin with. And a marriage will define his parental rights.
Does she even want this baby? There is, after all, abortion, in some states anyway. Sounds like she does. That speaks well of her.
Apr 10
marmer commented on Savage Love Episode 337.
Hey, cousine and I agree! ;-)
There's nothing wrong with an occasional, matter-of-fact bit of family nudity in the swimming pool dressing room or on vacation in a motel. But that's not what this is about. Routine nudity in an everyday, average American home is basically constantly asking for trouble. Best case: your kids will start to be really uncomfortable when their natural urges for privacy, which you have tried to sabotage, begin to kick in. Worst case: someone reports your naked asses to CPS with the best of intentions and the worst of understanding. If I recall correctly there was a movie in the 90's about that exact thing.
Besides. as I go about my activities at home, working in the garage, doing yard work, laundry, cooking, washing the dishes, all that stuff, I can't think of a single one of them that wouldn't be way more uncomfortable with no clothes on. I don't know about you but I like to protect my junk.
There's nothing wrong with an occasional, matter-of-fact bit of family nudity in the swimming pool dressing room or on vacation in a motel. But that's not what this is about. Routine nudity in an everyday, average American home is basically constantly asking for trouble. Best case: your kids will start to be really uncomfortable when their natural urges for privacy, which you have tried to sabotage, begin to kick in. Worst case: someone reports your naked asses to CPS with the best of intentions and the worst of understanding. If I recall correctly there was a movie in the 90's about that exact thing.
Besides. as I go about my activities at home, working in the garage, doing yard work, laundry, cooking, washing the dishes, all that stuff, I can't think of a single one of them that wouldn't be way more uncomfortable with no clothes on. I don't know about you but I like to protect my junk.
Apr 10
marmer commented on Savage Love Episode 337.
And sexy, not horny, thoughts are common when drifting off to sleep. But I'm sure all the lesbians will let you know that. That's sure not an anthill that I would have, er, poked.
Apr 10
marmer commented on Savage Love Episode 337.
Oh, and put some clothes on, Mom 'n' Dad. You don't live in a jungle tribe, and if you think you are trying to "prevent your kids from getting the bodily and sexual hangups of our society" think real hard about how much of a favor you are really doing them. Then think again. You're playing with their heads just to prove your somewhat extreme philosophy.
Apr 10
marmer commented on Savage Love Episode 337.
Can't get too excited about coming up with a meaning for Cuccinelli. I guess I like Coochie Nelly the best. But, sheesh, what an @$$hole!
Excellent advice for the daughter of the pedophile with dementia. The only thing I would add is: do you have a trusted family attorney? I wouldn't take this to a stranger, but it might be worth seeing if there's enough evidence there to prosecute the _source_ of the kiddie porn. Think of the children and all that. On the other hand, if there's a reporting obligation that supersedes attorney-client privilege, then just wipe the hard drive. Or if daddy was involved in making it and not just consuming it, which could be something that no one wants to find out.
Great advice to the lesbian pressuring her new GF to come out. It was never stated that the other girl was in college; I suspect that she could be younger than the caller by a few years and be in _early_ college. Or she could be a broke twenty-something out of college. Anyway, chill until the time is right.
Guess what? Same advice for the guy with "I love you" burning his tongue. STFU, dude. Keep seeing her, keep making her happy. When she's ready, she'll say it. Then you can say something like "I've known for months" or something like that. What's the hurry?
Being all coy and silly and making implications like Dan said will either piss her off, scare her away, or make her insist you tell her. Probably all three. Terry got real damned lucky that it worked with Dan. If I'd done that with my future wife, she would have been gone and we both would have missed out on what we've had for twenty-five years.
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Excellent advice for the daughter of the pedophile with dementia. The only thing I would add is: do you have a trusted family attorney? I wouldn't take this to a stranger, but it might be worth seeing if there's enough evidence there to prosecute the _source_ of the kiddie porn. Think of the children and all that. On the other hand, if there's a reporting obligation that supersedes attorney-client privilege, then just wipe the hard drive. Or if daddy was involved in making it and not just consuming it, which could be something that no one wants to find out.
Great advice to the lesbian pressuring her new GF to come out. It was never stated that the other girl was in college; I suspect that she could be younger than the caller by a few years and be in _early_ college. Or she could be a broke twenty-something out of college. Anyway, chill until the time is right.
Guess what? Same advice for the guy with "I love you" burning his tongue. STFU, dude. Keep seeing her, keep making her happy. When she's ready, she'll say it. Then you can say something like "I've known for months" or something like that. What's the hurry?
Being all coy and silly and making implications like Dan said will either piss her off, scare her away, or make her insist you tell her. Probably all three. Terry got real damned lucky that it worked with Dan. If I'd done that with my future wife, she would have been gone and we both would have missed out on what we've had for twenty-five years.
Apr 4
marmer commented on Savage Love Episode 336.
#36 cousine: I'm glad you found our earlier exchanges diverting. I pretty much said my piece then so I'm not going to go back over that. I do think that the standard of regard and behavior between parents and adult children is, absent abuse or neglect, rather higher than it is between co-worker acquaintances. But I will agree with you on this: in the case of the drunk girl, perhaps a well-considered apology after a reasonable period of reflection might be well received. It may well be worth a shot. I just think that the co-worker (barfee) might simply think that all the drama is not worth it if she doesn't already have some time and emotion invested in a friendship. I would certainly put up with a lot more dumb, annoying stuff from someone I was already friends with than I would from someone who I sorta knew from work. Full disclosure: in college a friend of my roommate got drunk and barfed on our carpet. It smelled HORRIBLE for days, it was almost impossible to sleep there regardless of how much cleaning we did. I didn't really know the guy very well although my roommate and I were close. But I never respected that guy again or ever made him feel welcome again, and what the caller did, was, in my opinion, far, far worse and maybe from the point of view of the barfee, inexcusable.
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Apr 3
marmer commented on Savage Love Episode 336.
The price and the length are perfect for me. And the ads are the least annoying of any podcast I listen to.
Yeah, I agree that there might have been unknown mitigating circumstances that might have tempered Dan's response a little had he known them. But that girl needs to take away from this:
1. don't drink to unconsciousness anymore. That's dangerous.
2. don't barf in someone's space anymore. If you get a sudden attack of food poisoning, well, maybe, but then abject groveling plus extreme efforts to fix the mess you made is the only appropriate response.
3. I'd add to it that this pooch is totally screwed. There's no way at this point to even be cordial. Write it off and avoid her. The only way to have fixed it was, again, _immediate_ abject groveling.
4. You _did_ something mean and stupid but that doesn't mean you _are_ mean and stupid going forward. Take it to heart and do better. Own it, and think hard about how you treat people in all facets of your life. You very well may be offputting in other situations too if you can take a "friend" that much for granted.
5. Switch to water and soft drinks for a while. Don't drink alcohol unless you are with close friends or family. Seriously, blackout drinking is a good way to wake up dead. I work at a college and every couple of years we have one. It's really sad.
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Yeah, I agree that there might have been unknown mitigating circumstances that might have tempered Dan's response a little had he known them. But that girl needs to take away from this:
1. don't drink to unconsciousness anymore. That's dangerous.
2. don't barf in someone's space anymore. If you get a sudden attack of food poisoning, well, maybe, but then abject groveling plus extreme efforts to fix the mess you made is the only appropriate response.
3. I'd add to it that this pooch is totally screwed. There's no way at this point to even be cordial. Write it off and avoid her. The only way to have fixed it was, again, _immediate_ abject groveling.
4. You _did_ something mean and stupid but that doesn't mean you _are_ mean and stupid going forward. Take it to heart and do better. Own it, and think hard about how you treat people in all facets of your life. You very well may be offputting in other situations too if you can take a "friend" that much for granted.
5. Switch to water and soft drinks for a while. Don't drink alcohol unless you are with close friends or family. Seriously, blackout drinking is a good way to wake up dead. I work at a college and every couple of years we have one. It's really sad.
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I tend to agree that a 13-year-old doesn't need a smartphone. They're a huge, huge distraction at most schools. But making an issue out of internet porn? No. "Don't steal." "Don't take advantage of people." "Don't deliberately hurt people or animals." Provided the kid has those solidly internalized, he or she hopefully has the brains to apply them to sexual situations as needed.