May 21
sappho commented on Savage Love.
@247 - of course how you define your own sex life does not affect me at all, and vice versa. this is only a forum.
however, the moment we are engaged in a discourse about what constitutes 'real sex', we are constructing social definitions, and that does affect us all. therefore we need to differentiate clearly between 'this is my experience/preferences' and 'this is/isn't sex'.
these assumptions that you position as reasonable are directly harmful in several ways: by preferentially distinguishing some acts over others (and the acts over the relationships or persons involved) they invalidate the lived experience of whole groups of people, and they provide pressure on folks to behave in certain ways.
an easy and obvious example is that sited above (nocutename) of saying that two women can't have sex. another example is the increasing perceived pressure amongst young gay guys to have anal sex - this used to be 'for those who like that', where as now it is constructed as 'normal'.
however, the moment we are engaged in a discourse about what constitutes 'real sex', we are constructing social definitions, and that does affect us all. therefore we need to differentiate clearly between 'this is my experience/preferences' and 'this is/isn't sex'.
these assumptions that you position as reasonable are directly harmful in several ways: by preferentially distinguishing some acts over others (and the acts over the relationships or persons involved) they invalidate the lived experience of whole groups of people, and they provide pressure on folks to behave in certain ways.
an easy and obvious example is that sited above (nocutename) of saying that two women can't have sex. another example is the increasing perceived pressure amongst young gay guys to have anal sex - this used to be 'for those who like that', where as now it is constructed as 'normal'.
May 21
sappho commented on Savage Love.
@midriasis - yes, i get the distinction between 'this is my experience' and 'this is what i call sex'. what i'm saying is that when you say that someone else's definitions of sex are dishonest, or when the social discourse tries to define what constitutes 'sex' at all, it becomes arbitrary and inaccurate. the simple fact that your experiential definition of 'sex' and mine are mutually exclusive should demonstrate this.
(and incidentally, also that we would be completely sexually incompatible) - actually, that is somewhat the point. if you meet someone, and like them, and the chemistry is good, etc. but you have completely different ideas of what 'sex' is, but don't stop to discuss and examine, someone is going to be disappointed - and it might just be when one person later states that they didn't have 'sex'.
i'm sure that you, like any rational person, would not embark on such a venture without explicit negotiation. however, the point stands.
(and incidentally, also that we would be completely sexually incompatible) - actually, that is somewhat the point. if you meet someone, and like them, and the chemistry is good, etc. but you have completely different ideas of what 'sex' is, but don't stop to discuss and examine, someone is going to be disappointed - and it might just be when one person later states that they didn't have 'sex'.
i'm sure that you, like any rational person, would not embark on such a venture without explicit negotiation. however, the point stands.
May 20
sappho commented on Savage Love.
@ mydriasis, and others.... there is a problem with the 'some sex is sex, and other sex is not sex' definitions. it is this: a) i object to other people telling me i don't / haven't had sex; b) it seems arbitrary (and unnecessary) to draw a line on someone else's experiences.
some times when i have sex there is penetration, sometimes not. if so, i may be on the receiving or the giving end - it's largely irrelevant. but penetration is never a goal, or 'the point' of sex. i have had times in my life when most sex was penetration, and my experience was that i felt like i never got laid. it didn't count as sex for me.
if penetration is what makes it 'sex' for you, great. if not, that is fine too. but you can't make assumptions, or go around defining other's sexual boundaries.
some times when i have sex there is penetration, sometimes not. if so, i may be on the receiving or the giving end - it's largely irrelevant. but penetration is never a goal, or 'the point' of sex. i have had times in my life when most sex was penetration, and my experience was that i felt like i never got laid. it didn't count as sex for me.
if penetration is what makes it 'sex' for you, great. if not, that is fine too. but you can't make assumptions, or go around defining other's sexual boundaries.
May 15
sappho commented on SL Letter of the Day: I'm Out.
@227 - i'm in nz, and tick a surprising number of 'minority boxes' for my environment. i'm totally with the australian. cunt is not primarily a 'gendered insult' in this corner of the world. it's just not. please do not actively promote your local brand of misogyny by suggesting that it should be, or dismissing the cultures of several other english speaking countries as bullshit / privileged / whatever.
use of the word 'cunt' as a gendered pejorative =/= oppression of women. females can be treated like shite, to varying degrees, without it being dependent on whether or not a certain word is used.
use of the word 'cunt' as a gendered pejorative =/= oppression of women. females can be treated like shite, to varying degrees, without it being dependent on whether or not a certain word is used.
May 15
sappho commented on Savage Love.
@78 - i second EricaP. in fact, sex or not, two months is not a relationship, and the issue here is one of romantic delusion. you should never have called her your girlfriend in public, and without discussion and consent!?! that is actually pretty fucked up.
May 13
sappho commented on SL Letter of the Day: I'm Out.
@219 - yes i would. absolutely. it wouldn't even occur to me that it might offend. i just don't think of it as a 'bad' word. my 10 year old uses it, he knows that it's not really appreciated at school, but neither is 'shit'...
ha!! the 10 year old just looked over my shoulder and asked "what word?" followed by "what the...? what a weird idea! where does that come from?"
so yeah... i guess cultural context is everything.
ha!! the 10 year old just looked over my shoulder and asked "what word?" followed by "what the...? what a weird idea! where does that come from?"
so yeah... i guess cultural context is everything.
May 12
sappho commented on SL Letter of the Day: I'm Out.
slow to the riot, but here i go...
@17: the "cool, non-squicky word that referred to female junk" you are searching for is 'quim'. it's an old word, well used in some english speaking countries/ circles, and should be used more. :-)
on the cunt topic - in my corner of the earth, it is increasingly a 'reclaimed word', and quite a few women use it both as the preferred term for female genitalia, and as an insult when an inferred nod of respect is required. to explain: if someone is a dick, that infers some small mindedness, or pathetic-ness; a bitch is malicious, cruel, or vindictive; an arsehole is outright obnoxious, with no apologies or consideration of others; a cunt, however horrible they may have been, has some hard-headedness, or some style, something somewhere that requires admiration.
different insults are required for different personas / situations. cunt is one of the best.
to use it as a gendered weapon is a whole different thing. not all that common in my experience, but obviously "a thing" in the states to judge by the comments...
@17: the "cool, non-squicky word that referred to female junk" you are searching for is 'quim'. it's an old word, well used in some english speaking countries/ circles, and should be used more. :-)
on the cunt topic - in my corner of the earth, it is increasingly a 'reclaimed word', and quite a few women use it both as the preferred term for female genitalia, and as an insult when an inferred nod of respect is required. to explain: if someone is a dick, that infers some small mindedness, or pathetic-ness; a bitch is malicious, cruel, or vindictive; an arsehole is outright obnoxious, with no apologies or consideration of others; a cunt, however horrible they may have been, has some hard-headedness, or some style, something somewhere that requires admiration.
different insults are required for different personas / situations. cunt is one of the best.
to use it as a gendered weapon is a whole different thing. not all that common in my experience, but obviously "a thing" in the states to judge by the comments...
Apr 17
sappho commented on Savage Love Episode 337.
wow. i can't be arsed reading all the comments today... but what kinda crazy people think that nudity has anything to do with sex?!? or that it's somehow 'inappropriate' to be naked in your own home?!? seriously disturbed people, i'm thinking.
for the record, my 14 year old was listening to this... and started saying "what? what the hell?! ...these guys are really obsessed with sex, right?"
being naked is not 'nudist', it's just normal human. we all arrived like that....
for the record, my 14 year old was listening to this... and started saying "what? what the hell?! ...these guys are really obsessed with sex, right?"
being naked is not 'nudist', it's just normal human. we all arrived like that....
Apr 7
sappho commented on SL Letter of the Day: Breaking the Code.
surely as an adult one makes ones own judgement call on these things?
i've twice decided that the 'politics' weren't worth the venture, where i might have otherwise been keen. but in both those moments it was because of complicated long-term connections that were just too close... and it was an expression of my own boundaries, not someone else's.
it might be because i live in a small country, but once your over 25 the chances of finding someone who is not the friend/ex/cousin of one of your friends/exs/cousins.... becomes vanishingly small.
i've twice decided that the 'politics' weren't worth the venture, where i might have otherwise been keen. but in both those moments it was because of complicated long-term connections that were just too close... and it was an expression of my own boundaries, not someone else's.
it might be because i live in a small country, but once your over 25 the chances of finding someone who is not the friend/ex/cousin of one of your friends/exs/cousins.... becomes vanishingly small.
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having said that, i do recall listening to a serious conversation in a bar about whether you had to be naked, or touching, for it to be 'sex'... to which the answer is, of course, it all depends...
no, i don't think it's 'misleading'. i don't see how it could possibly be 'misleading'. and the idea that you get to arbitrate on someone else's sexual experience is damaging and invalidating.