Apr 4, 2014 sappho commented on Savage Love.
@171 - sure, everyone has their own rhythm and timing, but they clearly don't know each other well. if you sleep with strangers, sometimes it's going to be strange.
i'm not taking any sides here specifically because i think the whole thing is ridiculous. but for what it's worth, as i said above, i would disclose all that stuff before even considering a sexual connection. (disclaimer: for me that would usually be at least a few years into a friendship)
Apr 3, 2014 sappho commented on Savage Love.
my two cents, as a not-particularly-gendered person....
1: i try not to get at all intimate with anyone, without knowing that they understand how i relate to the whole gender thing. this is partly because even though i look female, anyone who gets sexual with me understands pretty quickly that that's not my gender; and partly because i want connection, and to be wanted for myself as a person, and that requires being understood.
i got sick of being hit on by straight girls and gay guys who then got very confused, and sometimes a bit toxic. so i've become very cautious about people knowing what they are getting themselves in for.
2: if someone only wants to be with females(and therefore needs me to be 'a girl'), i'm not interested. if someone can't handle being with a female, i'm not interested. in fact, if gender is the most important defining factor for you in picking partners, i'm not interested. because it's not my job to wear your existential crisis.
3: why the hell does 3 months even count as a 'relationship'?!? surely once you are over 15, you get a bit more perspective than that? they hardly even know each other!
4: i'd say 3 months is pretty early to be having that kind of conversation, unless they are living in each other's pockets, in which case, maybe it's about right. they are just getting to know each other...
having said that, yes, he should totally have disclosed before sexual contact, including kissing. just because... dude! you are worth more than that! either you are honest about who you are, or you will end up wearing other people's confusion, and the chaos caused by their discomfort with their own attractions.
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Dec 15, 2013 sappho commented on SLLOTD: Vicodin.
in response to vennominon... late, but i've been out of the loop...
i haven't experienced or seen much hierarchy of beauty in either SS or OS situations. i've seen more social-status hierarchy. this may, however, simply reflect on the filters i'm personally subject to.
my personal experience is that guys are usually very direct in their approach, and that i have no issue in being as direct in return.
women tend to be more subtle, but also more aggressive. somehow it's harder to say no, or even to be sure if i am reading them right - where are the lines between friendly / attracted / actually interested / creepy? i also find that 'straight' women (even when they are sitting in one's lap/ lying in one's bed) will reject a female far more aggressively than a male, and may respond aggressively to mere friendliness from a queer female, in a just-in-case-you're-hitting-on-me preventative-action way.
on the whole i've found that (as a visibly queer/ androgynous person) it's just not safe to approach women, pretty much at all, and the best policy is to let them do the approaching. while this lends me to a certain sympathy with the straight guys, it is obvious why women need to be sexually defensive. it's unfortunate, but the only way forward is to let them do the hunting and chasing for a few generations. and to celebrate female sexual assertiveness.
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Oct 17, 2013 sappho commented on Savage Love.
- where i live there are plenty of gluten-free lasagna sheets on the the market, but they are too expensive....
Oct 17, 2013 sappho commented on Savage Love.
@71 auntie grizelda - i have been gluten free, and low sugar, for 15 years now. lasagna was one of my grieved losses for a while, too. (although i'm not sure how you would have sugar in a lasagna)
i'm not sure what foods you have available where you are, but the skins that are a by-product of tofu making, often sold as 'tofu-skin', make a very tasty alternative. they are a bit harder to prepare though. they usually come oiled and salted, so need to be gently cleaned before use. on the up-side they are huge, and you'll probably have to fold them in half to fit in the dish. good luck.
Sep 2, 2013 sappho commented on Savage Love.
EricaP @325 - i had the knife. they were friends of my friend, it was at a house party, but i don't think i'd met them before that day. what happened next: they took the handcuffs off, very quickly. i think they got a real fright. they went around telling people i was psycho, but when people asked i told them i said 'no' already, but the boys weren't listening. and no-one could really argue with that, even though it was obvious that in their corner of the world females were expected to put up with it....
one of them is still in my life, not my personal friend, but still friends with our household - he treats me a bit like one of the boys, not like other females. the other one is still scared of me, last i saw, and not connected with our family directly.
i think they saw it as 'harmless fun', i also think that the sexual intimidation and discomfort of the girl in question was explicitly part of the 'fun'. they certainly intended to hold me against my will, and they certainly had a social construction that this was 'ok'. it was not ok with me, and wouldn't be for(i'm going out on a limb here)most females, and someone has to make that clear.
it was a long time ago now, i'd probably do things differently now, partly because i'm living in a different world. i probably would never find myself in that situation these days. but i still think that it was the most direct and simple response to the situation at the time.

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Sep 1, 2013 sappho commented on Savage Love.
EricaP @244 - i think i only said "I said NO". given there was barely space for the knife between us, and these were entitled (and sheltered) middle-class white boys.... it seemed enough. they didn't seem to view the word 'no' as having any particular meaning. i didn't think of it as a threat in any way, simply an illustration of cause and effect. if you violate my physical space, i will defend myself. not talk about it, or make a fuss. i don't see how that is particularly note-worthy, just common-sense.
having said that, i'm with mydriasis, i can't imagine being intimate or in a relationship with someone i couldn't trust with my body. i expect relationship violence to be pre-negotiated :-)
Aug 28, 2013 sappho commented on Savage Love.
just a word... i didn't read the knife story as a threat of 'assault'- despite the words used, but as a very direct defense "here is the line, DO NOT cross it".
although i can't imagine being in a relationship where that level of defense was required, i have been in that situation : where entitled arseholes (friends of a friend, at a party) thought that the word 'no' was meaningless, and that it was cool to sexually intimidate a 16 year old; and they needed to be shown that i was to be taken seriously. i was drawing a line - this is my body and i will defend it - not threatening to attack. there is a difference. but i know that they thought i was crazy, and my response unjustified. for the record, they had hand-cuffed me without consent, and were refusing to release me.
Jul 3, 2013 sappho commented on Savage Love.
@32 - from oxford dict.:
emasculate
verb
1 (usually as adjective emasculated) deprive (a man) of his male role or identity
2 make (someone or something) weaker or less effective
Jul 2, 2013 sappho commented on Savage Love.
- for what it's worth, i also assumed that the original statement @51 referred to trans-men, because it was in a list of 'men'. and i assumed ignorance or confusion -not malevolence- on the part of the poster, because most (not all) trans-men transition post puberty, and obviously have had periods, pregnancies, etc.
it would never have occurred to me that the poster meant trans-women, because they are not generally considered a sub-set of the group 'men'. so the following comments posted by migrationist and eirene are not an attack on the original poster, but simply an attempt to clear up some confusion, and correct the error.

hysteria is not required in this situation, i think.