Sep 21 MrBAJ commented on Savage Love.
@98: I still don't buy it. First of all, I know for me, and I suspect for many people, especially if they are considering it when they're relatively young, the biggest concern about getting sterilized is losing the option to change your mind later about having kids. That risk is the same for men and women.

Second, even if it's true statistically complications are less likely with vasectomies, humans simply aren't that robotically logical when it comes to fear of consequences, especially when we're taking about very small probabilities in both cases. The fact that there might be a 1/1000 chance of a complication from a vasectomy as opposed to a 1/500 chance from a tubal ligation isn't going to make me feel much better if I'm scared of taking the risks.

In my own situation, my wife and I both agreed we didn't want more kids, but she didn't feel comfortable about getting sterilized. I eventually decided to get a vasectomy, but my decision had nothing to do with the relative risks of the procedures. Even if the risks were reversed, I would never in a million years have felt entitled to pressure my wife into getting a medical procedure that she was scared to get, just for my benefit, especially if I wasn't willing to take the same risk. I also would have felt very hurt if she had tried to pressure me. It just seems like basic respect for another person's right to decide what risks they're willing to take with their own body and life, especially if it's someone you love.
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Sep 21 MrBAJ commented on Savage Love.
@69, @93: I just realized there are two posts numbered 69. My post @93 was in answer to BiDanFan's post 69.
Sep 21 MrBAJ commented on Savage Love.
Regarding the people making the argument that men should be much more willing to get a vasectomy than a woman should be to get tubal ligation, because vasectomies are a more minor procedure, I don't buy it.

I do believe that a vasectomy is a more minor procedure with a shorter recovery time, but when I was considering a vasectomy, the amount of pain during the procedure, and the expected recovery time, were the least of my concerns. It wouldn't have made much difference to me whether the recovery time was two days or two weeks, as long as I would eventually recover. What did matter to me, and gave me pause, were:

1) Wondering if I'd possibly later change my mind and regret cutting off the option to have children, and

2) Worrying that I'd end up one of the small percentage who has complications that end up permanently injuring me in some way.

These are risks shared by both men and women getting sterilized, so I don't buy that there is any inherent reason that there should be a bias toward men getting sterilized as opposed to women. If a hetero couple wants to be child-free, but neither wants to get sterilized, I don't see any justification for singling one of them out for being more selfish than the other.
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Sep 21 MrBAJ commented on Savage Love.
@69 What's missing from your anecdote is an equivalent story of a childless man in his 20s who has no problem finding a doctor to give him a vasectomy. I"m not denying there's a double standard -- I'm honestly curious if there is. I've heard that doctors are reluctant to give young men vasectomies too. When I looked into it, even though I was in my 40s and have a child, I still had to answer a couple of rounds of questions assuring the doctor that I don't want any more children.
Sep 9 MrBAJ commented on Savage Love.
@65 Only Alison knows for sure what she meant to say, but I didn’t interpret her comment as implying anything like "mothers are somehow conned into breastfeeding”, and I certainly wouldn’t have defended her comment if I thought she meant anything of the sort. I’m firmly in the camp that believes breastfeeding has great benefits for both babies and mothers. I also firmly believe women should be able to breastfeed pretty much anywhere, any time, without being hassled or people acting grossed out by them, and I’d love to see any stigma associated with breastfeeding in public completely eradicated from society.

However, I’m also firmly in the camp that objects to unsubstantiated ideas being presented as facts, even when those unsubstantiated ideas are used in support of something I agree with. I interpreted Alison’s comment as being motivated more by this sentiment than by any animosity toward breastfeeding.
Sep 9 MrBAJ commented on Savage Love.
@48
I find that a really offensive comment of yours, to suggest encouraging breast feeding is a way to keep mothers from seeing the story they have landed in.


I'm sure Alison is perfectly capable of defending herself, but I can't resist pointing out that Alison didn't say what you're suggesting she said. She suggested that the unsubstantiated "nipple communication" theory about breast feeding, not breast feeding itself, was invented to make women feel better about breast feeding.
May 3 MrBAJ commented on Savage Love.
@3 I've accidentally entered a woman's butt after slipping out a couple of times, when there was lots of lube all around and I was too eager to get back into the action after slipping out. I did immediately realize what was happening as soon as I started to enter and pulled right back out and apologized. So it's not hard for me to imagine others making a similar mistake. However if the guy doesn't immediately realize he's entered the wrong hole, or it keeps happening, then I would start to get suspicious that it's intentional.
Feb 19 MrBAJ commented on Savage Love.
@130 I'm pretty sure that's not a widespread view even for women from that era. At least, most women in my family from that era, who were New York jews, pretty much all had long hair into their old age. And if I try to think in general of women I've seen who were born in the 30s it seems to me long hair is pretty normal. One thing I have noticed is a lot of them wear their hair in a bun, so maybe it is viewed as strange for an old woman to have long hair hanging down past their shoulders.
Jan 25 MrBAJ commented on Savage Love.
@BiDanFan @6, @9, @13: Just wanted to thank you and others for articulating what was wrong with Dan's response to the "naturally monogamous" woman. Even though Dan occasionally throws in a disclaimer acknowledging that for some people monogamy really does come naturally, a lot of his talk makes it seem to me like he doesn't really believe that, and thinks people who say that are probably just in denial or trying to be holier-than-thou or something like that. I think your comparison to people who insist everyone is bi whether they admit it or not is apt.

I would consider myself "naturally monogamous", and this is something I discovered about myself through being in an open relationship for several years. I tried it because my girlfriend wanted an open relationship, and many people in my circle of friends also considered that the more rational relationship model. I eventually realized that there were a couple of traits that my girlfriend and others in my friend circle shared that I did not.

For one, if my girlfriend would meet someone with whom she shared a mutual attraction, she felt very strongly like she was missing out on something if she didn't follow through with having a relationship with them. At various times in our relationship she tried being monogamous, but it felt like a big sacrifice to her. I on the other hand didn't feel like that at all. I regularly find other women attractive, but I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything important if I don't act on it. I just find sex with someone I'm really close to and exclusive with to me much more satisfying.

Second, she felt like she'd lose her sexual desire for someone if that was the only person she had sex with, regardless of how sexually compatible she was with them. She just felt she needed variety. This was something a lot of other people I've spoken to or read about say. I on the other hand don't experience that at all. If I'm sexually compatible with my partner and we are getting along well, then they end up almost completely dominating my sexual imagination, and seem completely compelling to me, even if that's the only person I've had sex with for many years. The only thing that makes me really want to have sex with someone other than my partner is if I'm not getting my sexual needs met with them.

I don't feel at all like I'm better than people who don't want to be monogamous. In fact if anything for a while I felt inferior, like I'd be achieving a higher degree of rationality and happiness if I could just get comfortable with being in open relationships. It took a while to realize that given a compatible partner I am actually very content being monogamous.
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Jan 23, 2015 MrBAJ commented on Savage Love.
@130 I would guess that for most people on this forum, as long as what someone is doing isn't hurting anyone else then you shouldn't make fun of them. Fantasies don't hurt anyone, even fantasies about things that you would never do in real life. You seem to be drawing a line at vore fetishes based on the rationale that they're unrealizable, but the fact is that for any decent person, rape fetishes are just as unrealizable as vore fetishes, yet those are common enough that most people reading this forum are fine with people having those fantasies. Sure it's more obvious how to simulate a rape than a vore fantasy, but as Gift Horse stated, people come up with ways to role play vore fantasies too. So I don't think there's any fundamental difference between a vore fetish and other more common fetishes, it's just that you're unfamiliar with vore fantasies and don't get their appeal.