May 3 MrBAJ commented on Savage Love.
@3 I've accidentally entered a woman's butt after slipping out a couple of times, when there was lots of lube all around and I was too eager to get back into the action after slipping out. I did immediately realize what was happening as soon as I started to enter and pulled right back out and apologized. So it's not hard for me to imagine others making a similar mistake. However if the guy doesn't immediately realize he's entered the wrong hole, or it keeps happening, then I would start to get suspicious that it's intentional.
Feb 19 MrBAJ commented on Savage Love.
@130 I'm pretty sure that's not a widespread view even for women from that era. At least, most women in my family from that era, who were New York jews, pretty much all had long hair into their old age. And if I try to think in general of women I've seen who were born in the 30s it seems to me long hair is pretty normal. One thing I have noticed is a lot of them wear their hair in a bun, so maybe it is viewed as strange for an old woman to have long hair hanging down past their shoulders.
Jan 25 MrBAJ commented on Savage Love.
@BiDanFan @6, @9, @13: Just wanted to thank you and others for articulating what was wrong with Dan's response to the "naturally monogamous" woman. Even though Dan occasionally throws in a disclaimer acknowledging that for some people monogamy really does come naturally, a lot of his talk makes it seem to me like he doesn't really believe that, and thinks people who say that are probably just in denial or trying to be holier-than-thou or something like that. I think your comparison to people who insist everyone is bi whether they admit it or not is apt.

I would consider myself "naturally monogamous", and this is something I discovered about myself through being in an open relationship for several years. I tried it because my girlfriend wanted an open relationship, and many people in my circle of friends also considered that the more rational relationship model. I eventually realized that there were a couple of traits that my girlfriend and others in my friend circle shared that I did not.

For one, if my girlfriend would meet someone with whom she shared a mutual attraction, she felt very strongly like she was missing out on something if she didn't follow through with having a relationship with them. At various times in our relationship she tried being monogamous, but it felt like a big sacrifice to her. I on the other hand didn't feel like that at all. I regularly find other women attractive, but I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything important if I don't act on it. I just find sex with someone I'm really close to and exclusive with to me much more satisfying.

Second, she felt like she'd lose her sexual desire for someone if that was the only person she had sex with, regardless of how sexually compatible she was with them. She just felt she needed variety. This was something a lot of other people I've spoken to or read about say. I on the other hand don't experience that at all. If I'm sexually compatible with my partner and we are getting along well, then they end up almost completely dominating my sexual imagination, and seem completely compelling to me, even if that's the only person I've had sex with for many years. The only thing that makes me really want to have sex with someone other than my partner is if I'm not getting my sexual needs met with them.

I don't feel at all like I'm better than people who don't want to be monogamous. In fact if anything for a while I felt inferior, like I'd be achieving a higher degree of rationality and happiness if I could just get comfortable with being in open relationships. It took a while to realize that given a compatible partner I am actually very content being monogamous.
Jan 23, 2015 MrBAJ commented on Savage Love.
@130 I would guess that for most people on this forum, as long as what someone is doing isn't hurting anyone else then you shouldn't make fun of them. Fantasies don't hurt anyone, even fantasies about things that you would never do in real life. You seem to be drawing a line at vore fetishes based on the rationale that they're unrealizable, but the fact is that for any decent person, rape fetishes are just as unrealizable as vore fetishes, yet those are common enough that most people reading this forum are fine with people having those fantasies. Sure it's more obvious how to simulate a rape than a vore fantasy, but as Gift Horse stated, people come up with ways to role play vore fantasies too. So I don't think there's any fundamental difference between a vore fetish and other more common fetishes, it's just that you're unfamiliar with vore fantasies and don't get their appeal.
Dec 3, 2013 MrBAJ commented on Savage Love.
@169, Alison Cummings, that was a very interesting post. I agree with a lot of it, but I'm bothered by the way you seem to be downplaying the importance of life events that might cause depression. While I can understand a clinician maybe deciding it's too fraught for them to get into the business of weighing how "legitimate" one person's depression trigger is compared to another person's, that doesn't mean those distinctions don't exist. It just means maybe a clinician can't reliably make those kinds of judgments. You seem to be saying depression is depression, but it seems to me to be very useful to try to understand why each individual person is depressed, because it allows one to more intelligently weigh the pros and cons of different treatments.

Say I'm depressed and considering going on some antidepressant that has unpleasant side-effects. It makes a big difference whether my depression is being caused primarily because of some very stressful work situation I'm in, vs. some chemical imbalance that happens no matter what my life situation is. If I know that certain work situations cause me to be depressed, I can weigh the costs of changing my work situation vs. the side-effects of the medication I'm considering taking, and possibly decide I'd rather look for a different job. On the other hand if I understand that I'm very predisposed to being depressed no matter what situation I'm in, then it might make more sense for me to try the drugs, even with the side-effects.

To use your knee injury analogy, if I was trying to decide between getting knee surgery, using painkillers, or just avoiding a certain activity that bothers my knees, a good understanding of what's causing my knee to hurt would certainly be very useful in making an intelligent choice. A doctor who just automatically prescribed painkillers or surgery without researching other options like changing the patient's behavior would seem irresponsible to me.
Oct 30, 2013 MrBAJ commented on Savage Love.
@29 Are you disputing what Hunter said and insinuating that it actually is common for women to wear men's pants, or are you just being snarky?
May 25, 2013 MrBAJ commented on Savage Love.
@121, shurenka: sorry, but this sentence, and the sentiment behind it, are BS
If WSN feels violated and didn't consent to what happened, then she was on some level assaulted.

Surely the intent of the boyfriend is relevant in this situation too! It sounds like you're saying all that matters is how she felt about what happened. It sounds like in your world view, if I left a $20 bill on my dresser, and found it was gone later when I looked for it, and jumped to the conclusion that it had been stolen and felt violated, it wouldn't matter at all if it turned out my wife had actually just put it away in my drawer. All that matters is that I felt violated, no matter what sort of misunderstanding of reality on my part led to that feeling. People are right to feel threatened by the prospect of this world view catching on. Sure she's entitled to her feelings and shouldn't be shamed for feeling them, but that doesn't mean she's entitled to have them confirmed as reality.

May 19, 2013 MrBAJ commented on SL Letter of the Day: Living Discomfortably.
@44, That's a poor analogy. If you really think that trusting your friends to not be assholes and take advantage of you when you're down is equivalent to walking drunk into traffic at night, then you really need to find some new friends.
Feb 7, 2013 MrBAJ commented on Savage Love Episode 327.
I came here to comment on Dan's assertions that men who claim to feel less with condoms on are lying, but I see a number of others beat me to it, and explained why better than I would have. @29 said what I would have said very well. I definitely agree that people shouldn't feel pressured into being unsafe just because their partner doesn't feel as good with a condom on, but it's just BS to claim there is no difference in feel. All you're accomplishing by denying it is to lose credibility with those who know from personal experience that you're wrong. It's far more helpful to acknowledge that for a lot of men condoms do cause some loss of sensation, reiterate the risks and irresponsibility of unprotected sex, and give some tips on how to make sex feel better with condoms on.
Feb 7, 2013 MrBAJ commented on Savage Love Episode 328.
Overall liked the show, but I have to push back a little on your condom rants in the last two podcasts. Particularly I took issue with you claiming men who say condoms make them feel less are lying. I can assure you as a fellow dick-haver that at least some men do have a harder time staying hard and feeling as much pleasure with a condom on. And I don't think your point about people not always noticing when their condom slips off proves otherwise as you seem to think. What I find is that the closer I am to orgasm, the more sensitive my dick is and the less having a condom on matters. If I'm not as close to coming, it can make a much bigger difference, even to the point of losing my erection. So if my condom slipped off when I was really turned on I very well might not notice.

Now mind you, I don't think this means anyone should feel pressured to compromise their own health and safety by allowing their partner to not use a condom, and any man who says otherwise is being a selfish jerk. I just don't think it's helpful to deny a real phenomenon exists. All it will do is hurt your credibility with men who do experience a difference with condoms on, and help create more communication problems between men and women if some women actually believe you. I think the rest of your advice was much more useful, where you reiterated the risks of unprotected sex, and gave some tips on how to overcome the problems some men have with condoms. Particularly I have found that using a good fitting condom, masturbating sometimes with condoms, and putting some lube on the end of my dick before putting the condom all help a lot.