Nov 25, 2012
commented on Savage Love
Letters aside, as a poly woman I wanted to chime in on this debate. I do not believe that being poly is a sexual orientation, nor do I believe that it is a choice. Sexual orientation is defined by what people you are attracted to, not how many of them there are.
That being said, it isn't exactly a choice to be this way. I did not one day decide, "You know what? Loving and engaging in relationships with multiple people sounds nice. I'm going to do that instead." I have never understood monogamy. I do not understand why "the nuclear family" is THE family to have. I've certainly never been happy in monogamy.
I think being poly IS an identity, much in the same way we have cultural identities. Matter of fact, I think poly IS a cultural identity. This sounds strange to say, as most poly people I know do not come from poly backgrounds. They were not raised around anything similar. How could such a firmly established culture come from completely different cultures? I don't know. But it fits.
Perhaps we will find it has something to do with genetics?
I don't have all the answers. All I know is that it is not just a choice. I do not want to hear it called this, because frankly, this statement is followed by slut shaming. Is it orientation? No. Is it a choice? To act on it? Yes.
Yes, I know people are attracted to multiple people. Fucking multiple people does to make you poly, even if its honest and everyone knows.
What makes you poly is engaging in sustainable relationships with multiple people. Requiring a network of support like a non-traditional family. It feels natural to do this.
Can someone become poly, having not been previously? Yes. People change all the time. Again, it feels more like a change of culture though. Like someone moving from Mongolia to Ireland because Mongolian culture has puzzled them their entire lives, but knowing Ireland has got it exactly how you want it!
I don't know where the definition lies in this, but its more than just a, "Man, I think flying kites is cool. I'm gonna go fly kites." It's like having kite arms. "It's my choice to fly my kite-arms, but I did not choose to have kite-arms."
May 16, 2012
commented on Savage Love
@24 and 29
I could be incorrect, but that whole bit about the time machine, I felt, was more advice to other younger women to not get themselves in that position. And let's face it, any sex positive or sexually open men (or women, for that matter!) are looked at like kinksters by a lot of people. I felt the spirit of that response was that WHIP's situation is due much more to societal pressure and repression, and his message was to other women not to let that sink them into something that leaves them no option to get creative later, even if they don't want to now! The last paragraph wa the only bit that was truly just for WHIP alone.
Also, I see other people thought that was harsh, and that the man is in his rights to refuse. Well, of course he is! He is no more obligated to comply if he's avidly against it than she would be. HOWEVER, that does mean that neither of them is getting what they want, which means some unhappiness. They should definitely make an attempt to work things out, via conversation, negotiated infidelity, or counseling, but should all that fail, then she should DTMFA. (As an expression, not saying anything negative against him, as we don't know him/their real situation.)
So...ease up, guys!