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American woman who assumes naturalism. My gmail address is philophiling.

Jan 16 Philophile commented on Savage Love.
I'm so tired.
LOCKS, unless you can make it into a good surprise for the dancer, leave the cage at home. Appropriate respectful disclosure and excellent tipping. Definitely say something if metal parts are involved.
Jan 16 Philophile commented on Savage Love.
LOCKS - Do we let the dancer know before she is on his lap? Or do we not mention it? Is it rude to get a dancer involved at all?
Yes if it could be a surprise. If it's not a good surprise, keep it to yourself. I'd say definitely if it's metal. You should respect the dancer's decisions and tip well, it's above par service.

COUGAR - I didn't want to ask him why he shaves, but I am wondering if this is common these days? Is there some "meaning" to it? And is anal touching now customary?
It's not about whether it's common or the right way to do sex nowadays, it's about 2 people having fun together. He shaves because he likes it. Maybe it's a hygiene thing, or a sex thing, or both. He really likes butt play. Does this stuff appeal to you? What do you like? Does he like it too? Do you want to explore the same areas in sex together?

FAGS - I feel guilty for using an antigay hate term while we're having straight sex. Is this okay?
I think it's fine to call your boyfriend a faggot for sex if he asks you to. It's not fine that you feel guilty. It's not fine to do it if it turns you off. Have you told him how you feel about calling him a faggot? (Or why you appreciate the small cock stuff?) You can ask him what he gets out of the stuff he likes in bed, maybe you'll get it, problem solved.. maybe he'll start to sound crazy and you'll have to rethink the price tag of this great sex..

Jan 16 Philophile commented on Savage Love.
NoCute - Yes exactly. I was wondering what that good reason, or as you say practical reality, was about. Wow, that would be a really creepy coworker to approach her for sex after meeting the couple. It would take her consent to become non-anonymous clients, though, and I hope she'd be practical enough to tell them it's inappropriate and warn bf that they are shady.
Jan 10 Philophile commented on Savage Love.
MYBRO - He said he wants to hire an escort just for drinks and conversation for his birthday, but he doesn't really know how to tell what's a reliable service or what criteria he should be looking for to tell whether an agency is legit, reliable, etc.
I don't understand his concern. I believe that buying a sexless date is legal everywhere in the US. I would imagine it's a lot like relationship counseling; talk to a few choices to see who clicks with you best. Unlike relationship counseling, you might buy the experience of someone acting sexually interested in you, instead of building the social & sexual tools to encourage sexual desire in another. So I also think bro will soon after wish to purchase a sex date. Nevada or Amsterdam seem like good places to shop for sex.

As an alternative for public dates from escort services, maybe ask a stripper he's into if he could hire her for a dinner date. Or take out a craigslist ad offering a nice dinner and a shopping trip in exchange for an attractive woman's take on men and sex.. If he understands women, he might be able to work with them well enough to get dates and sex by having good relationships instead of with money.

MBTCG - I don't disagree with Dan's answer. But why can't you say she's doing some light sex work at the moment? Isn't that the best way to destigmatize sex work?

CAW - Nevada or Amsterdam. Or cowboys4angels. Maybe online hookups in a nearby city if you need super discreet NSA sex, although you risk quality of sex.. I don't understand why dating, finding someone you like and arranging quick mutually pleasurable sex dates with them, seems to be out of the question.
Jan 2 Philophile commented on Savage Love.
How do I get my partner—who says he's into it—to top me "properly," i.e., work me into a sub space instead of him just melting into an ooey-gooey love ball?
You are the expert in how you like to be topped. And what turns you off. What exactly does the ooey gooey loveball shit actually look like? Can you tell him to cut it out before you play again? And tell him which stuff you like the most? And do you know what really turns him on in bed?

Trans man and cis female, happily married, planning to get pregnant in the next five months.
In the next five months?
How do we break it to my wife's family? Half of them don't know I'm trans and will be carrying
I suppose you've thought about having her carry?
, and we don't want to lie, but also we don't want them to see us as anything other than just a couple.
Your wife's family could be told that y'all are adopting and you can make yourself scarce through the pregnancy?

"Hall passes" don't work for many women because they can't orgasm when having random sex once with a random guy. What alternative would you recommend?
Where is it written on your hall pass—or anyone else's—that it can be used only once or only with complete strangers? Nowhere, that's where.

How do you propose a foursome with your longtime friends without freaking them out or ruining the friendship?
By bothering to find out how they feel about foursomes and how they feel about sleeping with friends before hitting on them any harder.

All straight guys want to put it in your butt, but when you suggest eating it first, they run for the hills. How can I bridge this gap and get my ass eaten?
Tell everyone you might sleep with that you don't take it up the butt without a thorough tongue job first.

How do I avoid lesbian bed death?
Keep exploring each other in bed.

I'm in a FMF poly triad, and I'm looking to incorporate another guy into the mix. I'd look online, but I'm a public-school teacher in a small town. How do I find someone without outing myself and risking my career?
Why don't you just date guys a bit until you find out if they are into poly or meeting your other lovers? Unless you are the M.. then I'd agree ask the F's to date bi guys and see if you click with any of them..

If you're married and in an open relationship, do you need to include that info in your Tinder profile? Or can you wait until later?
Include. Or make it clear that it's a ONS and there will be no later.

Happy 2017
Dec 28, 2016 Philophile commented on Savage Love.
SB53 - Thanks for being kind, sorry I was so nosy. I do love to hear good news from y'all. I'm sure she wouldn't have said anything immediately to my suggestion either, and you'd likely have to change the subject afterward.. but.. talking about improving your personal sex life may germinate over time, I think. As well as keeping nice touch alive. One of these times she may have something new to share.

Or... my newest lover has a thing for dirty talk. He's very encouraging and patiently answers my questions. Maybe that might work for your Miss N? I'm motivated to go along because it doesn't seem like he is trying to mold me to be like some other dirty-talking crush.. it's a new way to focus on the sex we're having (or wish we were having).. and he will take off his shirt for me while we're hanging out the way I like sometimes.. I'm not sure if the key is that he shows his appreciation well, or that I know that he does things that are a little awkward for him just for my enjoyment sometimes and I want to contribute equally. He has some great lines. "Will you repeat that please?" "Please say that right into my ear." Maybe it is how he says them.

Hun - Damn, I had it all wrong. I thought sapiosexual was like pansexual. Attracted to a beautiful mind seems common enough. But this extreme is weird to me too; a healthy body is just as important. I'm turned off more by an unhealthy body than an unhealthy mind, I think. Smell is so important to me.
Dec 27, 2016 Philophile commented on Savage Love.
After reading the comments, one of GUILT's sentences stands out to me.. "I've been told that if I'm attracted to women, it shouldn't matter what genitals they have." If he shares this opinion, that is skeevy. Does he go around telling other people that genitals shouldn't matter to them, too? I guess that's why Dan put in the warning about not dehumanizing his lovers or denigrating others... Along with this inability to stand up for his preferences as perfectly fine, contributing to happy relationships, and no he's not going to date men with penises just because some random guy says he should. If he happens to want to date men with penises, that doesn't mean that dating men with penises is mandatory for all "good" people. It's ok because it doesn't hurt anybody.
Dec 27, 2016 Philophile commented on Savage Love.
@50 sb53 - I'm sorry but I bet that will be too indirect. If there's a pause afterward, could you catch her eye and smile and tell her that you'd love to hear about a new fetish of hers? Verbally poke at the idea of growth in your own sex lives?

Nocute@69 Yes, when you let your feelings blind you to the reality of the person you are with and respect goes out the window.. You wrote some beautiful pieces this week.

Hun - I think it's more like bisexuals. They're looking for something they are or they aren't and everything in between. Well.. we are omnivores.
Dec 26, 2016 Philophile commented on Savage Love.
AIC - I don't know if I am the crazy, paranoid, controlling party here
irrational jealousy
my toxic feelings
I feel lied to, and I feel insecure.
He acted like I was being ridiculous.

This might be the main problem (although there doesn't seem to be much mutual sexual attraction either). He acted like what was ridiculous? Your feelings or your behavior? There's nothing wrong with your feelings. You are not wrong for having uncomfortable feelings, they let you know when something is wrong. Sometimes, people cannot feel right about their life no matter what they do, and go to a therapist for help.

Feelings are involuntary reflexes. But you are responsible for your behavior, and there is some bad behavior listed; snooping, lying, ridiculing, blaming... Look, maybe it was a big turn off that he was so attracted to his intern. Don't blame him for being imperfect. If he's not right for you, better to spend your time looking at the alternatives or separate or introduce some distance than trying to pound a square peg into a round hole. Do you really thing you would have looked like the bad guy if you had left him because he couldn't quit hanging out with his intern? You would have looked sympathetic before; staying with him and beating him up about it doesn't look so good. You can't change people who don't want to change. Maybe this is asshole but fuck it break the chain and go get well laid already.

FOMOOF - Golden. If you can't negotiate a good sex life with her, that's not a reason to be shitty to her. You'll survive if you break up, but you might feel like shit for the rest of your life if she catches you cheating and never speaks to you again.

GUILT - You know who likes to guilt others into following their rules? Assholes. Is there some logical reason you should get sexual with penises attached to guys? Nope. You get sexual with the stuff that gets you off good and stay away from the guilt-trippers. There's some societal obligation to treat people fairly and politely.. but would you tell someone else who they should be sleeping with like this? I'd only keep talking to guilt trippers if you're curious about assholes.
Dec 20, 2016 Philophile commented on Savage Love.
DONE - looking at those results has me wondering why the fuck they didn't do better in reaching out to their shitty relatives?
I think a better question might be, why the fuck haven't more white people ridiculed, ostracized then completely cut off any shitty relatives that talked about voting in a racist misogynist unethical irresponsible politically-inexperienced douchebag as president. You can't argue ethics with people who don't think that equal rights are important, and the longer these groups grow unchecked, the more inequality will be permitted by law.

It was suspicious that Dan didn't include the statistic of how many queer white people voted for Trump.

Refusing to fuck someone because of their race isn't racist. It's not punishing anyone or neglecting a social duty or impolite. It's a sexual preference. When a white guy refuses to fuck anyone but Asians it's not racist either. So I wouldn't worry about forcing yourself to fuck white people out of some misguided sense of duty.. the only people you have to worry about keeping in your life are those who add to your life, and that's a duty to your own happiness, not to anyone else.

UNSUBS - Sounds like being controlled isn't great as playtime when your daily life involves worrying about a president-elect actually intent on controlling your reproductive choices. Since you don't have to worry about a president-elect who is intent on outlawing masturbation and sperm death, I agree with Dan that you should pass the reins on to your wife for a change. Maybe submitting to another's sexual agenda will again become more about mutual pleasure and less about women dying to save their unborn children, or raising one's rapist's baby, because fetuses are so much more important than women to a certain president-elect dom.. and she'll be able to orgasm from submission again.