report this user


American woman who assumes naturalism. My gmail address is philophiling.

Mar 11 Philophile commented on Savage Love.
I thought that DDD stood for Disclose Downplay and Drop.

DMG - Disclose your need for giving head. Downplay it a bit and reassure her that your love for her happiness is most important, and you'll stay with her even if you can't give her head. Then drop it. Maybe she'll come around.

It may help the conversation move more smoothly if you ask what gets her off too.

BOMB - Disclose your need for your girlfriend to stop the control freak act and decide if it's a dealbreaker for her or not. Downplay it a bit and reassure her that if she really can't deal with a musty box of photos you'll get rid of them.. go bury them in a locked box somewhere I dunno. Then drop it. And look around for someone who's not such a shaming control freak...

PDUMN - Disclose your need to fuck around with hot guys on Grindr. Downplay the fucking a bit and play up the ways you indulge your own interests. Drop the idea of close relationships for awhile while you look around for someone you want to keep fucking. Then decide what kind of relationship would be fun for you both together.

CTOFA - Disclose your need for a casual or temporary relationship because you already have a wife. Downplay it a bit and reassure her that you understand if she doesn't want to see you again, and that she probably should be spending most of her time finding a balanced sexual relationship. Perhaps she may be mollified that you were under the impression that you had taken off your wedding ring for a cis woman for most of the night. And seriously drop the shady shit.

XG @44 A hookup is no more "stringing along" someone for an LTR than a date is "stringing along" someone for sex.
I also think you should disclose asexuality/medical problem preventing sex in your profile (or on the first date).

Sure, it's nice if it happens and some people may get their hopes up, but the person who doesn't want the same thing isn't responsible for the feelings of the person who was disappointed.
When we influence each other, we do cause feelings in other people. Everyone is responsible for their behavior. Everyone is responsible for managing their feelings. Feelings are reflexive. When I hear "I'm not responsible for their feelings" it always seems to indicate a disregard for others or an unwillingness to accept the consequences of their actions on others.

Taking off a wedding ring is done with the intent to mislead.
Mar 3 Philophile commented on Savage Love.
YIGI - During sex, if the man doesn't come, it's the man's fault, because he clearly has problems with his dick and is barely even a man and should be ashamed of himself. If the woman doesn't come, it's also the man's fault, because he's clearly bad at sex and doesn't even care and is barely even a man and should be ashamed of himself.
Why the focus on fault, blame, and how the "rules of sex" can be broken... afaik the only legal rule of sex is that you obtain valid consent with another age-appropriate partner. Other legalities differ from state to state, and the "rules of sex" differ from person to person. You are free to blame the woman if you don't come, and blame her if she doesn't come too. No one will throw you in jail. But you probably won't get many repeat partners that way... I've found that good rules of sex for repeat partners are: 1) don't just wait for reluctant consent (or worse just keep going until they say stop). Instead, try to refrain from initiating the next step until you see enthusiasm with the present step 2) Don't consent to things unless it feels comfortable. If you start to get out of it, initiate the things you need to get hot again. 3) Check in if you've been doing the same thing for a few minutes, especially if you notice decreased response, "Does it feel good baby? Is my pussy squeezing you nice? Do you want to do X or maybe Y?" (A guy might ask, is my cock pushing and squishing you good baby?) 4) Don't assume things are over until you've checked to make sure your partner is satisfied. Good sex is mutually satisfying. Ending things early is probably not going to score you a repeat performance. (& yes, there are guys who absolutely don't feel comfortable moving far the first few times, especially those with shy dicks, and if you barrel through that you're just going to get a pissed frustrated ex-lover.)

When someone breaks my "rules of sex", I don't fault them and demand recompense. I simply stop having sex with them. I'm aware that their personal rules may leave me high and dry but also that I have the right to end things at any point if I don't think the sex can be mutually satisfying. When I choose to take the risk of having sex with them, I take responsibility for my actions.

Short answer, yes you have issues because the personal rules you describe are misandrist and self defeating. But maybe you don't feel like finding a regular sex partner and your sex rules won't result in much loss of happiness anyway so maybe not much of an issue.

SPANKH - Are you sure you don't want to have an affair? Because this preoccupation with scratching your sex itch with anyone but your husband sounds like the first step to an affair. What would hold you back from taking it further if you found a great spanking partner?

Why is it not enough that your husband spank you? Why does your fun time have to be sexual instead of sport or hobbies? Sure you can find other people to spank you by attending kink events or placing personal ads. You're looking for a very particular kind of person who wants to turn you on but not take things further. Except you have a weekend spanking group? which is exactly the kind of casual you want but you're still searching. I think you should give some thought as to why you are ruling out at least a temporary open relationship.

PEE - Maybe.

MORE - Really awesome advice from Dan here. There's nothing wrong with your feelings MORE. But I think it's wrong that you were dumped by text after 4 months. I don't think Dan remembers that you can fuck someone hundreds of times in 4 months, while other couples might only see each other a handful of times. I'm guessing you thought you "were in love" because you were fucking a lot.. and breaking off regular sex by text is such a shitty move.. it is possible you are correct, the ex just quickly texted in order to have sex with someone else without cheating.. is she trying to be friendly now?

It's really hard to give advice with so little background.. if she's a general jerk he should stay away, if they are incompatible he should focus on other women but there's no harm in trying to find ways to overcome initial incompatibility... it seems like MORE is thinking that a nonmonogamous relationship might work for them but hasn't brought it up... bringing it up now would be trying to give that relationship one last shot, but if he guessed wrong, if she won't tell him or maybe she doesn't even know why her feelings changed.. he needs to let her go figure her shit out and get on with his life and talk about nonmonogamy with his next sex partner.
Feb 1 Philophile commented on Savage Love.
If that doesn't slake your hunger for cock, maybe your girlfriend would be up for a threesome
Dan thinks a self identified lesbian may be up for getting down and dirty with men? So I have a chance with Dan? And maybe Terry can come along too? Cmon baby let's hook it up!
Jan 30 Philophile commented on Savage Love.
Adult men get circumcised. From the little I've read, some like it, most eventually wish they hadn't had it done. I think men worry whether they are attractive, just not out loud as much as women do. I don't think that men typically vocalize their insecurities as much as women seem to. I've been asked if my preference was cut or uncut and felt like I was on very shaky ground. I'm embarrassed that I answered that question once sorta.

Getting hair plugs doesn't change sexual sensation.

Ric - As for the men: whether circumcised or not, unless theirs is extremely small (and even then), most men are childishly proud of their dick and expect their partners to share that feeling
I think most women like our boobs too, perhaps in a childishly proud way. I expect men to like my body enough to get used to the 'flaws' if they choose to date me. I feel bad for the women who got boob jobs and any men who may have gotten cut in order to work in older, very large boob and uncut cock dominated porn.
Jan 30 Philophile commented on Savage Love.
NAW - I just wondered if people would be okay with this, if people were aware of behavior like mine when they post, and if I should ask these girls for their permission to wank to their selfies.
Some people like exhibitionism, some people don't. You like voyeurism. Many people are aware of these kinks. You can like whatever you want, but you have a responsibility to be reasonably considerate to others as well. You need permission from others to obtain their time or extra effort toward your goals. Asking permission for anything else is annoying because it doesn't make sense. Try your best not to make others uncomfortable and we will speak up if you're messing up too bad. In that vein. Don't approach a woman by announcing that you are a voyeur who is attracted to her. It can be difficult to bring up your sexual preferences that don't involve pleasing your woman, because then she might reject you, so try to give her a reason to like you first. If you want a closer relationship with a consenting woman or even an enthusiastic exhibitionist, maybe OK Cupid would work better.

POSW - But everyone, please stop telling your friends not to kink shame so that my boyfriend and I can get back to the business of pissing on each other and feeling disgusting about it and horny because of it.


A recent thread discussed breast enlargement. I was surprised that the common male parallel involving changing sexual sensation... circumcision.. wasn't mentioned at all. I believe that a man weighing in on a woman's decision to enlarge her breasts may be about the same as a woman weighing in on the decision to circumcise a baby or a partner's decision to try an adult circumcision. (Although I think that as circumcision grows less common, parents and partners should be very vigilant about foreskin cleanliness. That was the original reason it became common I believe.. Women weren't just visually on board, but sick of yeast infections)
Jan 16 Philophile commented on Savage Love.
I'm so tired.
LOCKS, unless you can make it into a good surprise for the dancer, leave the cage at home. Appropriate respectful disclosure and excellent tipping. Definitely say something if metal parts are involved.
Jan 16 Philophile commented on Savage Love.
LOCKS - Do we let the dancer know before she is on his lap? Or do we not mention it? Is it rude to get a dancer involved at all?
Yes if it could be a surprise. If it's not a good surprise, keep it to yourself. I'd say definitely if it's metal. You should respect the dancer's decisions and tip well, it's above par service.

COUGAR - I didn't want to ask him why he shaves, but I am wondering if this is common these days? Is there some "meaning" to it? And is anal touching now customary?
It's not about whether it's common or the right way to do sex nowadays, it's about 2 people having fun together. He shaves because he likes it. Maybe it's a hygiene thing, or a sex thing, or both. He really likes butt play. Does this stuff appeal to you? What do you like? Does he like it too? Do you want to explore the same areas in sex together?

FAGS - I feel guilty for using an antigay hate term while we're having straight sex. Is this okay?
I think it's fine to call your boyfriend a faggot for sex if he asks you to. It's not fine that you feel guilty. It's not fine to do it if it turns you off. Have you told him how you feel about calling him a faggot? (Or why you appreciate the small cock stuff?) You can ask him what he gets out of the stuff he likes in bed, maybe you'll get it, problem solved.. maybe he'll start to sound crazy and you'll have to rethink the price tag of this great sex..

Jan 16 Philophile commented on Savage Love.
NoCute - Yes exactly. I was wondering what that good reason, or as you say practical reality, was about. Wow, that would be a really creepy coworker to approach her for sex after meeting the couple. It would take her consent to become non-anonymous clients, though, and I hope she'd be practical enough to tell them it's inappropriate and warn bf that they are shady.
Jan 10 Philophile commented on Savage Love.
MYBRO - He said he wants to hire an escort just for drinks and conversation for his birthday, but he doesn't really know how to tell what's a reliable service or what criteria he should be looking for to tell whether an agency is legit, reliable, etc.
I don't understand his concern. I believe that buying a sexless date is legal everywhere in the US. I would imagine it's a lot like relationship counseling; talk to a few choices to see who clicks with you best. Unlike relationship counseling, you might buy the experience of someone acting sexually interested in you, instead of building the social & sexual tools to encourage sexual desire in another. So I also think bro will soon after wish to purchase a sex date. Nevada or Amsterdam seem like good places to shop for sex.

As an alternative for public dates from escort services, maybe ask a stripper he's into if he could hire her for a dinner date. Or take out a craigslist ad offering a nice dinner and a shopping trip in exchange for an attractive woman's take on men and sex.. If he understands women, he might be able to work with them well enough to get dates and sex by having good relationships instead of with money.

MBTCG - I don't disagree with Dan's answer. But why can't you say she's doing some light sex work at the moment? Isn't that the best way to destigmatize sex work?

CAW - Nevada or Amsterdam. Or cowboys4angels. Maybe online hookups in a nearby city if you need super discreet NSA sex, although you risk quality of sex.. I don't understand why dating, finding someone you like and arranging quick mutually pleasurable sex dates with them, seems to be out of the question.
Jan 2 Philophile commented on Savage Love.
How do I get my partner—who says he's into it—to top me "properly," i.e., work me into a sub space instead of him just melting into an ooey-gooey love ball?
You are the expert in how you like to be topped. And what turns you off. What exactly does the ooey gooey loveball shit actually look like? Can you tell him to cut it out before you play again? And tell him which stuff you like the most? And do you know what really turns him on in bed?

Trans man and cis female, happily married, planning to get pregnant in the next five months.
In the next five months?
How do we break it to my wife's family? Half of them don't know I'm trans and will be carrying
I suppose you've thought about having her carry?
, and we don't want to lie, but also we don't want them to see us as anything other than just a couple.
Your wife's family could be told that y'all are adopting and you can make yourself scarce through the pregnancy?

"Hall passes" don't work for many women because they can't orgasm when having random sex once with a random guy. What alternative would you recommend?
Where is it written on your hall pass—or anyone else's—that it can be used only once or only with complete strangers? Nowhere, that's where.

How do you propose a foursome with your longtime friends without freaking them out or ruining the friendship?
By bothering to find out how they feel about foursomes and how they feel about sleeping with friends before hitting on them any harder.

All straight guys want to put it in your butt, but when you suggest eating it first, they run for the hills. How can I bridge this gap and get my ass eaten?
Tell everyone you might sleep with that you don't take it up the butt without a thorough tongue job first.

How do I avoid lesbian bed death?
Keep exploring each other in bed.

I'm in a FMF poly triad, and I'm looking to incorporate another guy into the mix. I'd look online, but I'm a public-school teacher in a small town. How do I find someone without outing myself and risking my career?
Why don't you just date guys a bit until you find out if they are into poly or meeting your other lovers? Unless you are the M.. then I'd agree ask the F's to date bi guys and see if you click with any of them..

If you're married and in an open relationship, do you need to include that info in your Tinder profile? Or can you wait until later?
Include. Or make it clear that it's a ONS and there will be no later.

Happy 2017