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See the world. Read! Laugh and be nice dahhmmmnnniitt!
May 8
AlyinSebby commented on Savage Love.
AlyinSebby commented on Savage Love.
TSTQ it's admirable you want to try to work on the marriage.
My depression looked exactly like yer hub, except if my hub asked me to do some laundry, or empty the dishwasher, etc. I did it.
I knew I was a mess and while I wasn't contributing $ I needed to give anything everything else I could muster as he was carrying the bigger burden.
Even while I was an f-ed up mess I still had a responsibility to my partner not to make him do it all.
So I would agree with many people that if he refuses to do anything besides video games and porn, you need to take steps to separate.
The only person you can change or fix here is you.
I've heard people relate experiences like yours and say "It was a starter marriage, I should have known better, now I do." If you feel peer or family pressure not to fail at this-LET THAT SH*T GO!
Do you really think you need to stay in this horrible life crushing hole just so they don't judge you? That's where your work on you begins.
In CA. you would start proceedings by filing for legal separation (this addresses many of the concerns others have cited i.e. moving out/lease ramifications, etc.)
Start calling the bank, your credit cards, etc. and taking his name off things, COVER YOUR FINANCIAL BEHIND FIRST.
My one caution about getting him professional help, getting him to use it and possibly changing; Is that I have had a recurring depression 10 years after recovery, his might come back and you would be here all over again.
You are young, you made a mistake, you have the rest of your life to learn and figure this stuff out, leaving is not the worst possible thing that would happen. You getting derailed from the life you want and being tied to him 'til death do you part' would be the worst.
More...
My depression looked exactly like yer hub, except if my hub asked me to do some laundry, or empty the dishwasher, etc. I did it.
I knew I was a mess and while I wasn't contributing $ I needed to give anything everything else I could muster as he was carrying the bigger burden.
Even while I was an f-ed up mess I still had a responsibility to my partner not to make him do it all.
So I would agree with many people that if he refuses to do anything besides video games and porn, you need to take steps to separate.
The only person you can change or fix here is you.
I've heard people relate experiences like yours and say "It was a starter marriage, I should have known better, now I do." If you feel peer or family pressure not to fail at this-LET THAT SH*T GO!
Do you really think you need to stay in this horrible life crushing hole just so they don't judge you? That's where your work on you begins.
In CA. you would start proceedings by filing for legal separation (this addresses many of the concerns others have cited i.e. moving out/lease ramifications, etc.)
Start calling the bank, your credit cards, etc. and taking his name off things, COVER YOUR FINANCIAL BEHIND FIRST.
My one caution about getting him professional help, getting him to use it and possibly changing; Is that I have had a recurring depression 10 years after recovery, his might come back and you would be here all over again.
You are young, you made a mistake, you have the rest of your life to learn and figure this stuff out, leaving is not the worst possible thing that would happen. You getting derailed from the life you want and being tied to him 'til death do you part' would be the worst.
Mar 13
AlyinSebby commented on I, Anonymous.
AlyinSebby commented on I, Anonymous.
lol Theodore, that's a great interloper spotting device!
Feb 28
AlyinSebby commented on I, Anonymous.
AlyinSebby commented on I, Anonymous.
LOL #22
It took us 22 posts to get to the coke and malt liquor!?
Where's Ziffereli? ;)
It took us 22 posts to get to the coke and malt liquor!?
Where's Ziffereli? ;)
Jan 30
AlyinSebby commented on Savage Love.
AlyinSebby commented on Savage Love.
@79
My bad, I think maybe yer scenario was too similar to what a lot of my circle is going through right now.
:/ and I was too hasty in my reaction to read the post more than once to see yer gender neutral.
Good points, like yer argument.
My bad, I think maybe yer scenario was too similar to what a lot of my circle is going through right now.
:/ and I was too hasty in my reaction to read the post more than once to see yer gender neutral.
Good points, like yer argument.
Jan 30
AlyinSebby commented on Savage Love.
AlyinSebby commented on Savage Love.
@ 52,
Most every marriage ends up where you are.
Parenting is not sexy, often not fun or as fulfilling as others things we crave.
Your post is almost a form letter example of why people need to go to therapy/couples counseling.
If all that is your internal dialog and you have never bounced it off a friend or trusted adviser, you are disassembling your marriage and never giving your wife the possibility of helping create change in your lives.
You took part in bringing those kids into the world. As a parent you are responsible for making choices with their best interests first.
Not saying people shouldn't break up ever. But this is boilerplate Marriage & Kids 101.
Most every marriage ends up where you are.
Parenting is not sexy, often not fun or as fulfilling as others things we crave.
Your post is almost a form letter example of why people need to go to therapy/couples counseling.
If all that is your internal dialog and you have never bounced it off a friend or trusted adviser, you are disassembling your marriage and never giving your wife the possibility of helping create change in your lives.
You took part in bringing those kids into the world. As a parent you are responsible for making choices with their best interests first.
Not saying people shouldn't break up ever. But this is boilerplate Marriage & Kids 101.
Jan 30
AlyinSebby commented on Savage Love.
AlyinSebby commented on Savage Love.
LOL geralinda you said it way better than me & in less words! Kudos!
Jan 30
AlyinSebby commented on Savage Love.
AlyinSebby commented on Savage Love.
SAD I was you many years ago.
Raised in the 80's I felt kind of socially trained to believe all forms of pornography were filthy, degrading to ALL women, bad for communities and society at large.
Then I went out into the world as a single gal living on her own in the big city.
I discovered some great sex positive advice columns and evolved my thinking. I also acted on advice - like check out a sex positive Adult store in my area.
I delved into written erotica, experimented with toys and in a few years many of my previous beliefs shifted dramatically.
Shortly before I married my hub I found he had looked at porn on our computer.
My initial reaction was just like yours but I kept it to myself and processed for a few days.
Then I opened the files he had downloaded. While it didn't do anything for me, I could see it was harmless whack off material.
Next I ASKED him about it (not confronted or demanded). I asked why he enjoyed it and accepted his explanation.
Finally I processed all of that an decided that I would rather be in this relationship with this guy and his porn habits than not.
15 years later we both enjoy watching porn together now as part of our repertoire.
I accept that he has self pleasure that works for him and doesn't include me or have anything to do with how desirable he finds me.
I have my own too.
Broaden your horizons and your views on this may change.
Your reaction is much more about you than your guy or the porn.
You get to decide if that is who you want to be in a relationship with. But you don't get to decide or demand anything about his porn habits. You really don't want that BURDEN, not in a healthy relationship.
More...
Raised in the 80's I felt kind of socially trained to believe all forms of pornography were filthy, degrading to ALL women, bad for communities and society at large.
Then I went out into the world as a single gal living on her own in the big city.
I discovered some great sex positive advice columns and evolved my thinking. I also acted on advice - like check out a sex positive Adult store in my area.
I delved into written erotica, experimented with toys and in a few years many of my previous beliefs shifted dramatically.
Shortly before I married my hub I found he had looked at porn on our computer.
My initial reaction was just like yours but I kept it to myself and processed for a few days.
Then I opened the files he had downloaded. While it didn't do anything for me, I could see it was harmless whack off material.
Next I ASKED him about it (not confronted or demanded). I asked why he enjoyed it and accepted his explanation.
Finally I processed all of that an decided that I would rather be in this relationship with this guy and his porn habits than not.
15 years later we both enjoy watching porn together now as part of our repertoire.
I accept that he has self pleasure that works for him and doesn't include me or have anything to do with how desirable he finds me.
I have my own too.
Broaden your horizons and your views on this may change.
Your reaction is much more about you than your guy or the porn.
You get to decide if that is who you want to be in a relationship with. But you don't get to decide or demand anything about his porn habits. You really don't want that BURDEN, not in a healthy relationship.
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