commented on SL Letter of the Day: Sail Away
If you're foolin' around with 30+ dudes, you will find that they aren't hard all of the time. They're not 20. Just being in bed with a naked woman isn't necessarily going to give them a stiffy: you have to touch their dick. Being nice about that is a life skill, and the older we all get the more necessary it is.
Nov 25, 2014
commented on SL Letter of the Day: Criminal in Canada
Yeah 6. IMO this dude is wound awfully tight.
He: don't drink so much, for you are unable to handle things that ordinarily happen between drunken people in trusting relationships. If you think she meant anything other than that she wanted to fool around some more and hoped you would come to and find it sexy, then by all means dump her. If you truly think she acted with malice, that is your best option. But if you do not think that, then you need to let this go yesterday. It's normal.
She: if he won't let go of this and starts holding it over you, consider le dump.
Nov 17, 2014
commented on SL Letter of the Day: Ex-Primary Screwing Up Next Primary
I kinda think Dan muffed it here. I think it's better to only date (let alone make "primary") people who are solidly on one's team. Especially when the other team is Team Maliciously Batshit. I don't think it unreasonable to make it a condition of fucking me that the fucker must take sides, and specifically that they must take my side.
I don't know whether EG needs to date out of his social group, but in his shoes I'd be asking new-person what information she needs to decide who she's going to believe, and insisting that she does decide, and not continuing to date her if she isn't going to believe _me_.
Why would you want someone as primary who doesn't believe you or isn't your ally? No sex is good enough.
Sep 26, 2014
commented on SL Letter of the Day: Down the Road
Dittoes to the 'break up' chorus. If you feel sick about it, probably nothing she can do will make you not feel sick about it. (The pattern I see around me is people having horrible trainwrecks in the first relationship they try to open, and then afterwards being more or less OK with poly...but that first relationship, where they did it without being OK with it, isn't salvageable. Dunno how typical that is...)
but what I mainly want to mention is that there's a significant probability that asking for this is her way of breaking up with you without having to do it herself. If that's the case it doesn't matter how much work you put in trying to find a compromise or make yourself happy with nonmonogamy. One can get hurt very badly trying to measure up to a partner's expectations in this scenario, because they _want_ it to be impossible and will keep raising the bar until you're abjectly miserable.
Just to say that before putting in a lot of effort here, I'd recommend seriously laying it on the line, to try to find out if she'd rather just have a no-fault break up.
Sep 24, 2014
commented on Will "Cisgender" Survive?
I do find "cisgendered" useful on a regular basis. I'm a deep-voiced, heavily muscled woman, and I'm sometimes asked whether I'm trans. I've been asked this by transpeople. I guess I don't read enough gender discourse to feel "cis" as a slur, and it's convenient to have a word I can use in the sentence "Thanks for asking, I'm ____".
In that sentence it's hard to get the inflection on "not trans" perfectly right, so it doesn't sound like I'm offended by the question. Having a positive descriptor to say that I am the gender I present as, was born this way, am not doing anything about it at this time, comes as a relief to me, and until someone brings me another one I'd like to go on using this one.
Sep 9, 2014
commented on SL Letter of the Day: Forever Grateful
Long distance monogamous relationships aren't, IME, a thing. If there's no plan to live in the same place within a year, that's not a relationship, it's just people kidding themselves. Don't do that -- wish each other well, go your ways, and maybe circle back later.
Especially with less than a year of setup time. (Anyone want to bet that "about a year" means "more than a year"? I thought not.)
Lastly, "very traditional" guys are lousy bets for the long term. It's a strong indicator for 'inflexible and controlling'. Please, at least get some experience elsewhere before diving into that long-term.
Jun 24, 2014
commented on SL Letter of the Day: Dominance/Coincidence
Another vote for these guys having sex confused with porn. Gotta shut that down on the spot. If the discourse can't accommodate that, maybe screen dudes harder before going to bed with them? If you can say that, and they can't listen and reboot, it was nice to visit but you/I need to go home now.
Dec 4, 2013
commented on 18403891
#17 correct. Dan is just wrong: on Monday they will be comparing notes. This is not a big problem provided you get out in front of it by, yes, mentioning the situation to both of them. If you do it's funny; if you don't it's underhanded.