commented on Who Is More Qualified for Public Office?
I love me some chocolate ... but hard candy is much better for when you are in public. The 2nd bowl is a sign of an unrealistic, indulgent, fuzzy thinker. Not someone I want in public office!
commented on The Story of How I Was Detained and Almost Arrested This Afternoon
I think this post is very interesting and well written, and, Dominic, I'm very sorry that this happened to you. But, as others have said, you were not "almost arrested!" The title is misleading and suggests that you are about to tell us about police misconduct that you personally experienced. It sounds like the police officer was extremely reasonable and did some good deescalation and conflict resolution: you shouldn't repay that with a post title that implies police misconduct.
I think you should change the title. Something like "The Story of How I the Police Were Called When I Asked Questions" or maybe something else that does include the CITIZEN detention you suffered from. But do not imply police misconduct.
commented on SL Letter of the Day: Label Me
I'm surprised I missed this fail four years ago, and surprised Dan decided to re-run it with fail. I think that it's probable that Dan is correct that WANK enjoys, in part, the power dynamic switch up, although Dan could be wrong. Where Dan absolutely is wrong is in his assumption that being submissive necessarily means being humiliated. It does not. Being submissive can be surrender to a wonderful thing, or a terrible thing that is wonderful, without being about humiliation.
commented on SL Letter of the Day: Plan Ahead and Plan B
I have a male partner with his favorite brand of very thin, well fitting condoms, and he honestly can't be certain that the condom is still on. When your condoms don't make a noticeable difference in sensations, you often don't notice.
I have a vagina that, when I orgasm, I can yank the condom off.
This combination of facts led to this particular partner being nervous and unhappy about me orgasming while his penis was in my vagina. We've got things figured out a bit more now (and he's got a vasectomy), so he doesn't worry about it, but has been a worry.
And I haven't bothered to tell guys to check for the continued presence of the condom. I guess should. I do tend to have sex with experienced partners (because of my age and preferences), and they tend to check for condom position (or I do, if you aren't), but I shouldn't depend on that.
I am a fertile women who only uses condoms for pregnancy prevention (well, except for the partner with the vasectomy, and I'm very comfortable with that. I need to use condoms absolutely all of the time anyway (for STI protection because I am non-monogamous), so no other method could save money compared to condoms. I and my sex partners are pretty good when it comes to condoms use (we usually catch slippage before the condom comes off, and I'm simply not that worried about Plan B or abortion. Yes, they are not cheap, and abortion is a reasonably major procedure, so I don't want to go through it, but, for me, abortion is my last line of defense against pregnancy. I'm OK with using an imperfect primary method. Stop shaming people for using condoms alone as a birth control method. Yes, there is a not just measurable but also substantial failure rate with condoms, but that doesn't make them inherently stupid to use.
commented on You May Now Kiss the Bride and the Other Bride and the Other Bride and the Other Groom
My slippery slope went the other way. I actually got interested in gay marriage by being in favor of poly marriage first. I was in college, dating a guy who was also dating another person, and I thought about the fact that we couldn't all get married. It didn't seem fair. And then I thought about other people who couldn't get married, including gay folks, and gay marriage seemed like a pretty good idea
I was monogamously married for about seven years in the interim, but I'm back to being actively polyamorous. And I'm completely uninterested in ever being married again. Not to one person, not to three people, not at all. But I do wish that poly people who wanted to be married could be married. It's not the kind of polyamory I'm interested in, but is is the kind of polyamory a lot of people at least idealize (including Mistress Matisse's ex, it seems).
Personally, I want to live with a lot of people who I get along very well with. It's OK with me if some of them are lovers or important emotional partners live with me. If I live alone, or only with roommates who aren't that important to me, that's OK, too. What isn't OK for me is to have one person who is my emotional, sexual, and economic touchstone, who I live with and love and am strongly interdependent with. I dislike not just marriage and monogamy, but both the assumption and the system that you should find a person to share your life with.
What I want to do about marriage is weaken it. Make fewer and fewer laws and benefits depend upon it, make society not expect it, make it one strange choice some weirdos make. And I think those weirdos should be able to be polyamorous in addition to being monogamous.
So chalk me up as one more polyamormous person who isn't going to do any fundraising or activism for polyamorous marriage. It's for different reasons than Mistress Matisse (polyamory is quite a broad category), but I agree with essential conclusion.
Jun 15, 2012
commented on SL Letters of the Day: Bonus Questions from Last Night's "Savage Love Live" Taping
Dan, people going on first and other early dates should each pay their own way! For one thing, how do you figure out who asked who out? The one who sent the first message on the online dating site? The one who suggested that we meet? The who floated the time that worked out? The one who suggested the venue?
Sure, if you happen to be the one who did all of that, or some equivalent, you should be prepared to pay. But if it's going to be a good date, it's a mutual assessment, not a one-sided courting, so having one person pay for the whole thing is just silly.
Jan 23, 2012
commented on SL Letter of the Day: Girlfriend, Interrupted
I am a poly person who doesn't want to "prioritize one person above anybody else" (although that's not quite how I say it), and I've got a partner who feels the same. Right now we're really close, and in some ways we feel like primary partners, but we're both happier not labeling our relationship as "primary." I've got another partner who really wants a primary partner, and I've made it crystal clear to him that I can't be that person for him, so he's looking for a primary partner (his other girlfriend might end up being that person), and sees me as a secondary partner. There are all kinds of healthy ways to be polyamorous without having a primary partner.
I think that ATGDMIO's partner failed at clearly communicating the situation to him in a timely fashion (I don't know where the communication breakdown was, but there was one). I think it's helped my communication greatly that my new partners know that I currently have other partners. Everybody knows that polyamorous people in primary relationships have secondary partners, right? So if you start out in a situation where the new person seems like a secondary partner, I think it's easier to communicate that primary partnership is not going to happen.
When I describe my relationship style, I prefer to say that I don't want to make rules about my future emotions. Right now, I've got two really good relationships going, and I think the best way for me to nurture those relationships and myself is to let those relationships change over time.
I really liked Dan's answer, but I do want to say something directly at ATGDMIO:
There isn't one way to do polyamory. It's not normal to be polyamorous, and being disinterested in having a primary partner is a minority way to be polyamorous. But that doesn't make it any less real, any less important, any less of what your girlfriend actually wants (assuming she's telling the truth, but what she's telling you is all you've got to go on).
Dec 2, 2011
commented on SL Letter of the Day: The Kindest Cut
I look like a lesbian in part because of my short hair, and I treasure the appearance. I've never taken "you look like a lesbian" as anything other than a compliment, and so can always respond with "Thank You!" If necessary (for some reason), I can clarify that I'm bi.