Nov 26, 2014
commented on SL Letter of the Day: Criminal in Canada
People's consent matters. That means that it matters if someone says that they want to be woken up with sex, or want their partner to have sex with them while they are passed out. I hadn't heard that in Canada I can't consent to having my body used by a partner of mine while I am unconscious. What a shame. 'Cause that turns me on.
Because consent matters, it also matters that the LW isn't comfortable with the passed out sex done to him. His wife needs to accept that he's not down with that, that this wasn't funny to him, and that she shouldn't lie about what she's done to him.
It's not gender that matters here, it's desire. Flipping the genders doesn't change anything. The lying is bad, period, but the moral situation of the sex itself depends on the opinion of the people involved.
And I will continue to tell my partners, early and often, how much I approve of passed out sex.
Nov 21, 2014
commented on SL Letter of the Day: Profile & Courage
So glad to hear that your wife is taking you out on a date! That is the way to solve this: for you not to be lonely because you're getting enough attention from her, for her to scale her dating to something that fits in with the rest of her life, which includes you. As a happy poly person myself, while I vehemently argue that love is infinite, time sure as hell is not.
In addition to you continuing to look for partners, I suggest that you ramp up your platonic friendship stuff. "Hang out with the guys" or do other social social stuff with friends on days your wife is on a date a great way to not be lonely. Are there any activities or groups of friends of yours that your wife is really not into? Say, if you happened to like ice skating, and she didn't. So you go ice skating, while she goes on a date. Bonus: platonic activities and things you simply don't share with your wife are really awesome in of themselves, and getting out and doing them can be crazy fun.
Sep 23, 2014
commented on SL Letter of the Day: Played Out
I'm surprised CHEAT describes herself as in an "open marriage." Her marriage doesn't sound open, because it sounds like neither she, nor either of her partners, can date new people without it being considered cheating. That's not open. Not monogamous, but also not open. Personally, I'd suggest making both of her relationships actually open: give both her husband and her boyfriend permission to date new people. Assume they are dating new people, unless told otherwise, instead of the other way around. As a person who insists that all of my relationships be open (I must be allowed to date whomever I want, and I refuse to have veto power on who my partners date), I do like to know what's going, but being in the dark doesn't mean you are being cheated on!
Aug 29, 2014
commented on SL Letter of the Day: The Escape Snatch
I am a small person with a small snatch. And I have never found a penis that is too big for me. I have had several sex partners whose penises are too big for standard size condoms, but never too big for my vagina. Because my vagina, like most vaginas, is good at stretching, when happy and wet. Penises that are big enough to make blowjobs uncomfortable fit very comfortably inside my vagina. And the (well-exercised!) muscles around my vagina mean that I can squeeze small and large penises very tightly. When we think and talk about vaginas, we should think of "tight" as the kind of strong that comes from exercise, not as a limitation, not as something that only virgins or inexperienced women are, not as something that comes from body size and can be ruined by sex.
HHH's wife might not have a vagina as strong, flexible, and wet as mine. But if HHH takes it slow and sometimes has sex with his wife without penetrating her, I strongly suspect that HHH's wife could absolutely adore vigorous penis in vagina sex with HHH, if only about 10 minutes of it per week.
This problem really seems to be more about two people who don't know how to communicate with each other, and to sexually please each other, than two people who are physically, sexually incompatible.
I was sexually incompatible with my husband of 7 years. But it wasn't a physical problem (despite his girth and my small body size): he likes egalitarian sex, I like to be submissive. He likes sex to last hours (literally), and not be about orgasms: I like to come hard and often, but not have sex for more than 45 minutes at a time. He's monogamous, I'm polyamorous. And yet, our marriage was wonderful. It did end, but it didn't end with us bitter and hating each other. We lasted as long as we did because we were good at communicating, exploring, figuring out how we could mutually please each other. And because our relationship was anchored and sustained by being excellent roommates, walking partners, and conversation partners, not by sex.
Mar 11, 2014
commented on Ban Bossy? I Don't Think So. Be Bossier.
Not for juche, because I doubt they'll read it, but if anyone wants a description of what we known and what we don't know about the psychology of gender differences, and of problems with many of the studies, Delusions of Gender: How Our Minds, Society and Neurosexism Create Difference by Cordelia Fine (2010), is excellent. Even if you don't agree with it, you'll learn how much we really don't know about gender, and how things are so much more complicated than "hormones!"
Jan 14, 2014
commented on Man Killed By the Freezing River That Killed His Cellphone
I strongly recommend A Paradise Built in Hell: The Extraordinary Communities That Arise in Disaster by Rebecca Solnit.
I recommend his book to Charles, to those who are interested in his tying these deaths to capitalism (or, rather, a situation not about capitalism), to those flummoxed and upset by the link, and to people who simply enjoy good fiction. As a writer, Solnit is nothing like Charles: her writing is simple and elegant instead of convoluted, and she makes the links between ideas very clear. But in Paradise, Solnit describes horrible events as useful insights into human character, and humans as essentially altruistic in disasters (in part because they don't set precedents, and so are outside of the status quo).
May 3, 2013
commented on Who Is More Qualified for Public Office?
I love me some chocolate ... but hard candy is much better for when you are in public. The 2nd bowl is a sign of an unrealistic, indulgent, fuzzy thinker. Not someone I want in public office!
Mar 23, 2013
commented on The Story of How I Was Detained and Almost Arrested This Afternoon
I think this post is very interesting and well written, and, Dominic, I'm very sorry that this happened to you. But, as others have said, you were not "almost arrested!" The title is misleading and suggests that you are about to tell us about police misconduct that you personally experienced. It sounds like the police officer was extremely reasonable and did some good deescalation and conflict resolution: you shouldn't repay that with a post title that implies police misconduct.
I think you should change the title. Something like "The Story of How I the Police Were Called When I Asked Questions" or maybe something else that does include the CITIZEN detention you suffered from. But do not imply police misconduct.