Feb 24, 2016 aquavit commented on Savage Love.
@31 P.S. Hair testing isn't as accurate as the testing services would like you to believe. They're not completely inaccurate, but shouldn't be considered definitive.
Feb 24, 2016 aquavit commented on Savage Love.
@23 drugs are often illegal, but I don't share you opinion that they're unethical, nor do I think that drug use is automatically immoral. DUI is unequivocally immoral, smoking in an enclosed space with kids is arguably immoral. But in general drug use is not automatically immoral.

@31 I agree. That's the first thing I thought of. I'm intimately acquainted with an addict who I have witnessed under the influence a wide variety of drugs, from heroin to meth and many things legal, quasi-legal and illegal, in between. If the guy is sleeping 15 hours every day is obviously not using meth. But if you don't see him every day but when you do see him he sleeps 15 hours he could very well be bendering on meth. Now, the letter sounded like they live together, and I read it as sleeping *every* day for 15 hours. That sounds a lot more like depression, and the searches for meth sound a lot more like someone grasping at straws to "jump start" his motivation. But for clinically depressed people, the comedown from any sort of amphetamine high is usually even worse than the baseline depression. For an addict, they strive for that high and the low is "worth it" to them as the price of admission, but watching it happen as a loved one from outside the addicts brain is torturous as I've experienced learning the hard way and am currently trying to figure out how to navigate through (or from).

SNAFU should start from the assumption his boyfriend isn't actively using but needs to get back into treatment for depression. Now is not the time for judgement of any kind, only gentle support and daily encouragement to re-enter treatment for depression. That the guy is 48 is really irrelevant. Expecting strong people to be strong all the time is a false assumption. If you love your boyfriend, gently encourage him to re-enter treatment. You don't have to stay forever if he won't get treatment, but be prepared to spend weeks, maybe a couple months, trying to lead him back into treatment.
Sep 21, 2014 aquavit commented on Savage Love.
To Gay Lost Cause:

You don't have to be perfect, Dan's right about that, but you do have to be trying to improve. I'm gay, and my now-husband had a past similar to yours and he's doing better now. And I'm someone who many would consider quite a catch (sorry to flatter myself, but it's objectively true - I'm emotionally stable and caring, not a model but not bad looking, a good lover, Ivy-educated, six-figure salary, own a home in a great location, work flexible hours and don't normally flatter myself like a bore like I'm doing here).

Get yourself stable. Get interesting interests. Learn how to earn and keep someone's trust. I'm not promising you'll right a perfect man, but if you can do those three things, you'll have a better shot than you may think at finding stable and real love, despite your past.
Mar 5, 2014 aquavit commented on SL Letter of the Day: Reefer Madness.
I've told my spouse to stop drinking because about 1/3 of the time he gets excessively angry and sometimes violent when he does but he's fine when he doesn't drink. I'm willing to stop drinking, too, even though I have no such problems when I drink.

I guess it depends on how important drinking or getting high is to you. Sure, it's nice, but for me if someone is close to perfect in every other way I'd rather be sober, healthy and happy than roll the dice finding someone new.
Jan 29, 2014 aquavit commented on Savage Love.
Hear, hear, wayne!

Also, HSMTIT, if he put up a huge complaint when asked to cut back you should probably ask yourself what level of attachment is forming between him and the dom.

Not to freak you out, but I'm now engaged to a guy I met while trying to meet needs via a paid service when my previous partner wouldn't. Just because he's paying now doesn't mean there isn't something real going on - I'm proof positive of that.
Dec 4, 2013 aquavit commented on Savage Love.
For the bosses son, she knows about his kinks, so apparently she and the boy have spoken at length. That being the case, the only way for her desired hookup to happen safely would be for her to tell the son that she can't/won't do anything with him because she works with the father. She should not suggest the boy seek permission, but if the boy is really interested and he has a good relationship with his father, and is mature enough to consider these things, he may then approach his father and say, "Hey, can I hit on your underling?"

At which point father can either say, "No, I can't risk a sexual harassment lawsuit," or he can go to his employee and say, "My son tells me he's into you - this is awkward, but if you and he pursued something I'd be okay with it as long as you treat him respectfully and don't get preggers."
Jan 24, 2013 aquavit commented on Green Pizza.
I've never lived in Seattle, but I could pass that test.
Jan 9, 2013 aquavit commented on Savage Love.
#14 is partners' therapy for a "triad" known as "triage"?
Dec 5, 2012 aquavit joined My Stranger Face
Dec 5, 2012 aquavit joined My Stranger Face