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Feb 21 EricaP commented on Savage Love.
WHIP's husband may be a total pervert (scared of freaking her out with the truth about his fetish). Or he may be super vanilla. Or asexual.

If I were her, I would try to figure out what he masturbates to. Preferably by asking while both of them feel relaxed, maybe after a glass of wine.

If he doesn't masturbate and they mostly have sex when she initiates, the evidence tips towards asexual.

If he refuses to talk about his masturbatory fantasies, and initiates sex often but shuts down when she tries dirty talk in bed, then the evidence tips towards pervert with an embarrassing or dangerous obsession.

Unfortunately, it would probably have been wise to sort this stuff out before you got married.
Feb 13 EricaP commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Straight Guy Can't Win.
zev423 @62, "As a woman, if my stuff decides to malfunction, it's generally not apparent."

I used to feel that way too. Then I hit 45 and perimenopause. I used to get very wet, reliably, and never needed lube for PIV. And now I can still feel very interested in sex, mentally, and my heart rate & breathing get noticeably excited, but quite often I don't get noticeably wet. Turns out lube isn't just for anal anymore, in my life.
Feb 7 EricaP commented on Savage Love.
"Why are liberals okay with people self-identifying their gender but not their race?"

I think the Rachel Dolezal case took people by surprise. This essay provides some arguments for letting people self-identify by race as well as gender: "Being Blackish: Race and Self-Identification," by Mirah Riben
Jan 28 EricaP commented on SL Letter of the Day: One and Done?.
Ricardo @33 *wave*
Jan 25 EricaP commented on Savage Love.
Hunter @13, it's *not* that kink-shamer-shaming itself provides the desired aura of disgust.

Instead, I'm saying that plenty of kink-shamer-shamers still feel disgust for whatever the kink is. There's no contradiction between (a) finding something disgusting and (b) shaming those who kink-shame it.

So I was urging POSW to look on the bright side: most of the people shaming the kink-shamers probably still find your play disgusting. They just don't want you or others harassed for it.

Griz @7 -- hugs if you still want them. And thank you for your work at the domestic violence center.

Nocutename @8, dark days indeed.

Jan 24 EricaP commented on Savage Love.
People who think your kink is disgusting and yet acceptable can express that by saying "that squicks me." Another common phrase is Your Kink is Not My Kink But Your Kink is OK (YKINMKBYKIOK).

That's different from saying your kink is not OK, or is acceptable in fantasy only. Along those lines I like this essay (bedsores!):…

As Dan says, there will always be kink shamers. If you figure that most of the kink-shamer-shaming is done by people who are either themselves fans of your kink (some of whom get off on it being disgusting) or else squicked by it, then that reflects plenty of disgust to inspire you and your partner.
Dec 1, 2016 EricaP commented on Savage Love.
EmmaLiz @49 wrote "Also, give some feedback...moan or something, seriously, or it can be really boring...And if it goes on for a while, pull out and jack off or do something else."

I agree with the general advice but wanted to add that the recipient of oral can also lend a hand to let the giver have a break. I get us off to a good start, then keep my mouth busy (on the tip or the balls) while his hand gets him close to the edge, then he can finish in my mouth (or on my tits, face, etc.). When he goes down on me, I have my vibrator handy, so he can take guilt-free breaks.

Theodore Gorath @87 "none of the women I have been with have had trouble getting off with penetration, so maybe I am just lucky."

Lucky or possibly a bit naive, if not one of them needed extra clitoral stimulation during intercourse.

"I kind of wish she was more into cunnilingus than she is"

Have you tried suggesting she read erotic stories or watch porn while you go down on her? Some women find it hard not to worry during, so a distraction can be helpful.
Nov 30, 2016 EricaP commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: We Will Never Get Closure On CLOSURE.
FJWL wrote: "And it can be insanely disheartening to find out that you had placed that level of trust in the wrong person. This hardened me to others, and made me constantly wonder if I could trust anyone."

Well -- I think there's a good lesson there, about not taking people for granted. They're in your life for a while, some of them for a long while, but there are no guarantees. And whether it's a tragic car crash or a secret lover or boredom or old age that ends a relationship -- all relationships end.

I will say that if a housemate moved out secretly and I didn't find out until they'd left... I would talk it out with a therapist (or an old friend) to explore whether maybe I am scary when I get angry. Your ex went to a lot of trouble to make sure he and his stuff were safe from any reaction you might have to the news he was leaving. Maybe that was due to his own issues, but maybe it was yours. Or it could just have been a bad match between the two of you.
Nov 28, 2016 EricaP commented on Savage Love.
Mr. Venn, I've just been catching up after a couple of weeks and saw your announcement of your upcoming departure. Reading your recent posts all at once is rather disturbing, with references to no “angel’s deigning to save me,” to collecting “sufficiently heavy stones”, and to various wills and bequests.

If you do have dangerous plans, and if they are partially motivated by your straitened circumstances, then perhaps the Tech Savvy At Risk Youth could put together an online fundraiser for you? You have been a valued contributor here for so many years -- I do think people would chip in to help. And that tangible support might encourage you to stay around and post more too, which would be good for all of us.
Nov 28, 2016 EricaP commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: She Done Dumped Me Wrong.
" She didn’t talk to anyone, even her close friends and roommate, that she was unhappy during the relationship."

Or maybe she did, but when you confronted them, they didn't feel like telling you they knew before you did that the relationship was ending.

"I didn’t always have perfect responses to things she said. However, we always seemed to resolve things eventually."

Did you generally resolve things along the lines you favored? Did she bring up the issues like "You live far away" and "We didn’t spend enough time together" while you were still dating? And was your response to dismiss her concerns?

People don't necessarily say things in the form of an ultimatum ("move closer & spend more time with me -- or I'll leave you"). People want to see that you care that they're upset and are interested in compromise, even without the knowledge that the relationship is on the line.

"she has been pretty heavily out there dating since we broke up. No serious relationships, but she’s definitely hitting the market hard. For whatever that is worth." -- what do you think it means? If nothing else, it means that she didn't leave you for someone else. She left you because your relationship didn't satisfy her, and she would rather be alone than be with you.

It could mean that she loved the sex with you, and is auditioning people to find someone just as good. Another possibility is that she did not enjoy sex with you, and is auditioning a wide range of people to make sure that she gets a solid sexual connection the next time she settles down into a relationship. Your tone seems a little shocked that she is having so much sex.

Do you truly understand that it's not your business how much sex she has?