Achieve the Four Modernizations.

Aug 11, 2011 UKGuy commented on Savage Love.
I wish it were true that bi people can't be biphobic, but sadly it's not true. It ranges from bi women not believing bi men exist, bi men/women believing 'everyone is bi really' and in one specific case, a famous bi woman saying she'd only sleep with lesbians, not bi women..

If I had to offer advice to HNH, I'd note an appreciable number of women will turn you down if you're bi. If it's up to you if you want to be completely upfront, wait a while or stay secret.

Staying secret does a great dis-service to the bi community, but sadly it also helps you get laid by women. There are women who won't care; many of them will openly or secretly be bi, if my experience is anything to go by.

I've found gay men much less judgemental
Jul 20, 2011 UKGuy commented on Bisexuals.
You're hitting the wrong target Dan. Place the blame where it really lies : people who aren't bi.

If every person in the world was GGG then bi people would be able to come out without issues. As it is we get hassle from both the straight and gay communities.

Straight women are probably worst for this. I have been told repeatedly that I'm 'really gay' (I'm not, in fact I generally prefer women), that they couldn't date me because I'd been with a man (so what?), because I'd obviously be too kinky for them (I'm not) and that I should hide my identity to increase the likelihood of dates.

Neither does it help that the last guy who I was really attracted to on initial sight didn't conform to many of the gay subcultures but immediately discounted me as being a 'dirty bi'. This was at a Pride event..

Why is it so hard for people to accept that my sexual identity is important to me, even if I am a monogamous bi man who isn't looking for a lot of partner swapping or orgies?

There's lots of ways of being bi. Everyone should grow the fuck up and actually *ask* people what sort of relationship and sex they want rather than making unwarranted assumptions.
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Sep 10, 2010 UKGuy commented on Savage Love.
It may be funny to make fun of vegans, but if you think it's all about meat substitutes and beans you're doing it wrong. Do remember that plenty of Indian and Oriental food is vegan and there's lots of opportunity for eating food around the world.

I've not been to a bad vegan restaurant yet (although individual dishes may vary, same as any restaurant). A vegetarian and vegan restaurant is already a niche market, so if they're no good they're not going to last long.

No, I'm not vegan myself and have no intention of being, but I do cook a fair bit of tasty vegan food and cakes.
Jun 10, 2010 UKGuy commented on Savage Love.
I've seen behaviour like MHIO before, and it has two sides.

His side : inappropriate behaviour, impulsiveness, somewhere on the autistic spectrum.

So far, so bad, but..

Her side : thoughtless, inconsiderate, judgemental.

I'll bet money that as well as his behaviour, she hasn't bothered to analyse why he's behaving that way and never discussed sexual compatibility before marriage, let alone now.

When someone says they want to wear panties and have fun made of their small cock, it is not a 'but whatever' - it's something to be discussed and understood.

Dan's advice is pretty good, but MHIO also needs to understand that when he sees that therapist she's also going to have to have a long hard unfavourable look at herself.
May 21, 2010 UKGuy commented on Savage Love.
There's nothing wrong with DU having a sex doll if he enjoys it, and has plenty of cash to spend on it.

What doesn't ring true is that he has no time for a woman. Clearly he has enough time for sex, and probably enough time to socialise, so the answer is that he's not prepared to maintain a casual relationship.

I can understand that viewpoint - I don't put up with bullshit behaviour like being asked to drop everything at short notice for no sensible reason. However, the solution is to look for a no bullshit woman - not to buy a sex doll.
May 20, 2010 UKGuy commented on Savage Love.
@Creezy - right, just as if being 100% honest in the rest of your life is always the right option.

If you were desperate to get out of your job, and knew your boss would fire you if you told them that, would you be honest or perhaps use half a brain and continue to look for something else whilst still in a job?

His parents want him to be educated and find a decent job - he's holding up his end of the bargain. The fact there are also unspoken conditions isn't necessarily relevant.
Mar 24, 2010 UKGuy commented on Savage Love.
Doot - it could easily be said that you're a bi guy that's mostly into women. Of course, if you decided on the bi label, you'd have to handle the associated issues (such as women not wanting to get involved), so it's far easier not to..

You can draw your own line about where being 'bi' starts - at attraction, sexual behaviour, or relationship.

TGOE didn't say whether he'd had sex with other men, or whether he'd experienced the same problem with women.
Mar 4, 2010 UKGuy commented on Savage Love.
It really doesn't help to say 'DTMFA' without offering some suggestions to make the guy happier with cunnilingus.

I'm not particularly attracted to pussy, I couldn't stand the smell of an ex girlfriend (who refused to give me a blowjob, incidentally..) and I only go down on women I'm very keen on as otherwise I find it unpleasant.

I could probably learn to like it better, but this first of all needs a bit of understanding and guidance and second some appreciation and encouragement of any effort offered.

After Ms 'smelly pussy' my next girlfriend was uncomfortable with men going down on her. Is it any wonder it takes time to get over that?

I am bi, but trust me when I say that I very definitely like women. I just don't stick my head between the legs of every woman I get into bed with.

If you choose to remain in a sexual relationship as an adult, you have the responsibility to help your partner sort out some of their sexual issues. This goes double for sex advice columnists, who should be helping everyone improve their sex life rather than resorting to finding a new partner.
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Feb 3, 2010 UKGuy commented on Dan Savage.
@20 'dexters mom'

You're forgetting consent. Children are (on average, which is what the law is based on) emotionally incapable of giving consent, therefore it's wrong. Ditto bestiality and rape.

Adult gay men are fully capable of consenting, therefore it isn't wrong. The bigots aren't given any ammunition at all, with the above letter.
Jan 27, 2010 UKGuy commented on Savage Love.
@77 I get your point, but it doesn't stand up to close scrutiny.

This hypothetical gay guy isn't pretending to be straight - he's pretending to be bi. This isn't a good idea (as proven extremely well by this thread) as it gives you shit from both the straight and gay communities.

There's so many other reasons a marriage can fail that I'm really not sure the potential that your partner is gay should be right up there on your list.

If you believe the statistics then choosing a bi man as a partner has a higher chance of issues that might not affect a straight man. The problem is that this is myopic thinking - people are not statistics and whilst stereotypes can be a useful guide in some cases, people should be assessed on an individual basis.

To be more precise, such viewpointscan be actively dangerous - first substitute 'bi' for someone that lives in a town where the stereotype is of them being thieves, or for a person of colour where the statistics show they're more likely to commit violent crime. Still sound acceptable?

Now cover dangerous assumptions such as that bi men are 'unsafe' in bed and straight men are 'safe' and marry it to a general lack of knowledge and stupidity about STIs (other than possibly on Savage Love, I have yet to read any such discussion where the majority weren't ill informed and worse - unwilling to learn). Generally unsafe behaviour ensues.

All of the above is a long winded way of arriving at my main point : you reap what you sow. A sizeable proportion (no, not all, not even the majority) of straight women refuse to consider bi men who want to be faithful. Bi men don't want to restrict their dating choices so they lie about their sexuality. End result : letters from HH and misery on all sides.

If we could all be a bit more honest, this wouldn't be a problem. Doesn't look likely to happen soon, does it?
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