Home of the Whopper.

Oct 23, 2013 cork118 commented on Savage Love.
I work in the mental health field as a licensed counselor.

LW#2 has done everything right so far by notifying his mother and avoiding all other contact with him. Unless the author of the second letter is a qualified mental health professional (which seems doubtful) she should immediately call the police any time her ex makes a threat to hurt himself or others. His motives do not matter-- as a college student she is not qualified to assess them and they need to be taken seriously. She can inform the police that he has made repeated threats and ask them to do a well check. If they feel that there is due cause to involve local mental health professionals they'll do that. In addition she should seek an order of protection against her ex so that he is no longer able to contact her in any way. I say this because changing numbers is good advice, but it's so easy these days to find out someone's number.

It's super stressful to be in her position. It's also super stressful to be the one who got dumped. But regardless of that her ex's behavior is no longer her problem. I congratulate her on ending this damaging and manipulative relationship and for taking such a firm stance in maintaining the separation.
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Mar 1, 2013 cork118 commented on Savage Love.
@157:

False, women who haven't had kids can easily get IUDs (sometimes with a little perseverance).

There are two models of IUDs available in the US, the Paragard (nonhormonal) and the Mirena (hormonal). The Paragard is FDA approved for use in women who have never been pregnant while the Mirena is prescribed off-label for this purpose all the time. I should know, I've never been pregnant and I've had two Mirenas.

It's also a myth that male partners will always feel the strings on an IUD. None of my male partners have ever felt my strings, and we're talking about 5 years worth of sexual partners. The trick is to have the doctor keep the strings longer so that they can be tucked up and away. Sometimes women are misinformed and ask that the strings be cut very short, which means they're short and pokey and there's not a lot that can be done about that.

Not all women experience excruciating insertions or horrible side effects. In fact, 91% of women who get an IUD report being very satisfied with this chosen method of BC a year after starting to use it, which is a higher number than women who use oral BC, barrier methods, the ring, the patch, or the shot. I'm sorry your girlfriend had a bad experience but please don't turn other women away from one of the most effective and user-friendly forms of birth control available just because you didn't like it.

Ladies: Do some reading (check out the LiveJournal community "iud_divas" for great info), educate yourself, and find a knowledgeable practitioner to do your insertion. There's a 90% chance you'll love your IUD.
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Mar 1, 2013 cork118 commented on Savage Love.
I've had two Mirena IUDs over the last five years (had to get my first removed to donate eggs) and I love them. I've never been pregnant and I don't plan on having kids for the next decade or so. I haven't had a real period since 2008 and it's fucking awesome.

The first insertion was moderately painful (I'd say a 6 out of 10) and the second was way less, probably only about a 3 or a 4. No painkillers for either of these insertions and it was really no big deal. Yeah, it hurts a bit and things get a bit crampy. But you know what else hurts and feels crampy? Pushing a squalling infant out of your vagina. I visualized being a total badass for the next five years during each of the insertions and it was NBD.

I recommend the Mirena to everyone ever. Of course there's side effects and downsides-- everything in life has risks and benefits. For me the potential risks of the Mirena are FAR outweighed by the benefits and I couldn't be happier about it.

Thanks for talking up IUDs Dan!
Feb 1, 2013 cork118 commented on Savage Love.
We fundamentally disagree on what makes a good workaround. (initially I typed "good reacharound," which changes the point quite a bit!)

A white lie means a lie that's insignificant or trivial. Porn might be trivial to me, but if it's not trivial to my partner than I'm not telling a white lie-- I'm just lying.
Feb 1, 2013 cork118 commented on Savage Love.
Let's use another example.

Bob and Mary are in a relationship. Bob wants kids someday and Mary doesn't. But Mary is "emotionally invested" in Bob. Mary doesn't want to break up with Bob, and she doesn't want Bob to break up with her. When Bob tells Mary he wants kids, Mary says "Sure! Me too!" even though Mary knows she will never want kids. Mary hopes that Bob will just forget about the issue over time, or that he'll someday change his mind.

Is that ok? Or is Mary being a huge douche?
Feb 1, 2013 cork118 commented on Savage Love.
If we believe our partner's expectations are unreasonable how do we help the situation by saying "sure honey, I'll totally do what you're asking!" That's only reinforcing an unreasonable expectation.
Feb 1, 2013 cork118 commented on Savage Love.
"If the only issue you had with your boyfriend was that he got upset when you looked at another guys ass you would rather dump him than just pretend you didn't look at another guys ass? "

If looking at other dudes' butts bothers him THAT badly, I'm not a very good person if I promise to never look at another dude's butt ever again and then still do it. At that point I know I'm doing something that harms my partner. I choose not only to do it anyway, but to lie about it so they can't make an informed decision about whether or not they can adjust to it.

So no, I wouldn't dump my boyfriend out of hand, but I wouldn't lie about it either. I'd (shock, gasp!) negotiate to what is hopefully a mutually satisfying agreement. Does he want me to not openly ogle asses when he's around? Does he want me to be more discreet? Does he want me to reassure him more often that I think his ass is the best ass of them all? Ok, cool. I can do some or all of those things, and in exchange I get to ogle booties with his blessing. Everybody wins!

If, on the other hand, there was no middle ground on the issue and no matter what I did my boyfriend was going to be hurt by this, I have two choices. I can 1. lie about it like a douche, or 2. keep doing it and tell him 'sorry, but if you don't like it you have the choice to leave.'

Option 2 is what assertive adults with good communication skills do. Option 1 is what's done by cowards who are afraid of consequences. Option 2 shows respect for my partner by being honest and accepting his right to make choices for himself, while option 1 is a childish attempt to have my cake and eat it too.
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Feb 1, 2013 cork118 commented on Savage Love.
""
"No dear, I never look at other women's breasts."

We all lie at some point. And often we lie BECAUSE we are emotionally invested."

Then you're doing it wrong, sorry. If a man lies and says he never looks at another women's breasts, that's fucked up. If he does it, he needs to own it. Women can either live with that, ask him to change, or dump him.

I can't for the life of me fathom why anyone would want to be in a relationship with someone they can't be honest with. If my boyfriend freaked out when I look at another dude's ass, I would dump him for being a childish douche. I'm emotionally invested in him, but the reason I'm invested is because *he's not a douche.* If he suddenly becomes one my emotional investment (and my boyfriend) will go right out the window.

We don't lie because we're emotionally invested, we lie because we're cowards. I'm emotionally invested in my partner and that means I take the risk of telling the truth. Lying is easy and it doesn't have anything to do with emotional investment.
Feb 1, 2013 cork118 commented on Savage Love.
No Fortunate, you're wrong.

"If you don't want to be lied to, don't make unreasonable expectations" completely neglects to recognize that we are all responsible for the choices we make. If you choose to be unreasonable about porn viewing, you might get dumped; if you choose to lie about porn viewing, you might get caught.

"But if a woman waits until she knows the guy is already getting hooked on her to roll out the demands and conditions then she is getting what she is asking for as well."

Wow, really? I'm pretty sure that in the real world of relationships we generally talk about our feelings about things as situations arise. Neglecting to mention that I have a problem with porn until the topic comes up isn't being sneaky, it's being normal. Sometimes the goalposts have to shift for a relationship to continue. You either both agree to the change or one (or both!) of you declines to continue playing. It's gross and douchey to agree to change the rules but still secretly play the game the old way.

Sometimes we don't learn about our partners' limits on a certain topic until we've been together awhile. That's how relationships work. If a partner sets a limit with us and we aren't douches, we either respect that limit or we be honest and let them know we have no plans to do so. If we lie and say we're going to respect the limit and then don't, we have 100% of the responsibility for being a douchebag.

"but I'm emotionally invested!!" Apparently not enough to be honest with your partner!
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Feb 1, 2013 cork118 joined My Stranger Face
 
 

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