Sep 4, 2014
commented on SL Letter of the Day: One Man's Pegging-Enhanced Journey to Self-Acceptance
@17,@20 - I see this opinion a lot (big cock = unthoughtful/careless/otherwise poor lover), but the three biggest men I've been with were also the most talented/thoughtful (in the sense of paying attention to what they were doing and what worked, and discussing those things with me) men I've been with. I've always seen that as purely a coincidence, but I've never really believed the common assumption that owners of large penises don't think they need to try, either.
I don't know if I've just been lucky, or whether people are being very unfair on many owners of large cocks.
Aug 28, 2014
commented on SL Letter of the Day: Innocent Virgins
It's unfair to categorise all relationships that happen over the Internet as not being "real," and I think suggesting the LW doesn't know this person etc. is more likely to cause her to turn off and disregard other, pertinent advice than help her in any way.
It's also unfair to suggest people don't know their kinks if they've not had sex, but I completely agree that they may not map to reality, and these two may not realise that yet - but hey, that's hardly an end of the world situation, especially as they seem to have entirely different kinks anyway.
My main concern would actually be the last paragraph. I understand why the boyfriend doesn't want to be touched, although I don't think it's the healthiest way to deal with it, but the questions around that issue need directing *to the boyfriend* rather than an advice columnist. If LW and her boyfriend are able to discuss all kinds of kinky fantasies at length but they've not properly discussed how the more vanilla stuff is going to work, despite LW saying she wants to take things more slowly, I think that's something that needs discussion before he gets on the plane. Also, will the not-below-the-belt rule be permanent? Is LW OK with that?
The point about being afraid she'll do something wrong and he won't want her anymore is concerning, too. Has the boyfriend said something to make her think this is possible? Huge red flag, if so. Or is she just being nervous due to inexperience and a weird situation? If it's the latter, that needs discussion before the visit. I wouldn't be surprised if he's nervous, too!
Successful relationships which are mostly or entirely carried on online require a really high level of communication and openness. I would want the LW to make sure that before meeting up, there aren't any taboo topics between these two, and that her boyfriend is aware of her intentions as far as taking things slowly, and will be understanding about her nervousness and questions about what they can/can't do.
Jul 19, 2013
commented on Savage Love
May be a bit late, but I think everyone deciding that FURFAG is asexual is making some massive assumptions. Don't scare the poor guy!
I've been in a similar position as far as lack of sexual interest - I beat myself up over it for a long time. In my case I'd gone through my hormonal teens and had a very high libido, but then it vanished. And ever early on, I never masturbated, seeing porn or people fucking never did anything for me (and still doesn't really).
I am far, far, far from asexual, even though I've had people think I was. I just have really specific tastes, and without anyone around who I was really interested in, my libido just completely went. As soon as I found someone I was really interested in, it came back and then some.
FURFAG, if you're reading - it's possible you're not gay. It's possible you're asexual. It's also possible you've just not found exactly what you're interested in, yet. I wouldn't turn it into gay or not gay, sexual or asexual. You just haven't figured it out yet, and there's not much you can do other than get out there (the meeting up thing is still key there, as far as the current guy). I would say though... you care about this person, try to be really open with him. It will probably be painful, it's not nice to hear that someone you are attracted to and care about isn't sure they're attracted to you. However, you don't want to meet up with this guy to see if it works and then find out you're not up for it, and he's expecting sex.
I would also say that "I think I love him," and "I'm certainly... fond of him" do *not* sound like love to me. Hard to know, we're all different, but if nothing else that is definitely not the sort of feelings I'd be making important life decisions based around! Have discussions, meet up at least a few times, and make sure that this is what *both* of you want. You deserve to be sure you've found what works for you, and he deserves not to blindly screw his life up following the wrong person around.
Feb 1, 2013
commented on SL Letter of the Day: Get Your Twink On
I would definitely caution the LW to wait before considering a long term commitment here, until she knows what is most important to her.
I am a woman pretty much exclusively attracted to one type of man - not far away from the LW's type. I thought this was just a "physical ideal" and something I could compromise on. I also thought at times I was being shallow, and too picky.
I ended up in a relationship with a man who was tall, broad, quite muscular. A long way from my type. We spent nearly a decade in a relationship which despite trying and trying just didn't work sexually due to my lack of sexual attraction to him.
After a lot of kidding myself that my sex drive was in the wrong we split up for a bit, prompted in large part by me getting involved (with my partner's knowledge) with another guy who was much more my type. I realised then that it was really important to me to be with someone I had a strong sexual desire for.
Then my long-term partner and I got back together on the basis of having an open relationship to deal with my need for adorable hairless men with questionable sexual orientations, and on the basis he could get the sex he wasn't getting from me elsewhere. We did this because we get along so very well as people, we share finances so well, we trust each other so much, we share a lot of interests and dreams for the future, etc.
That lasted until I got involved with another guy who was more my type. Having real intimacy with someone I also desperately want to screw is something I now realise I really need, and I found myself closer and closer to the new partner and with less time for the long term one. I realised I really can't balance multiple serious partners - I focus on one person. This caused a whole load of friction, and before long a conversation where he and I realised we'd really done a lot of damage to each other's self esteem and sex drives. Both of us really needed a partner who offers more than commitment and stability, and really good sex once in a blue moon. I needed someone I really wanted, and he needed someone who really wanted him.
So we split up, but since we work so well and in a lot of ways we're sharing the house, the car, our finances, and so on. Why throw out the good bits? It was hard work but we're as close as ever, just minus the sexual/romantic relationship bit which really wasn't working.
I'm sure for some people compromising over the sexual attraction bit is workable. For other people I'm sure open or poly relationships help sort this situation out. But neither worked for me, and it took me years to figure out the solution. I'm very glad I didn't get married during those years, it would have made an already complicated and difficult situation even worse.
I would also like to echo those commentors who mentioned the effect this might have on your partner - my lack of desire definitely had an effect on my ex. Years of thinking or knowing that you can't turn on the person you desire and love would surely hurt anyone, if the situation is not resolved in some way. Don't ignore this situation and just try to put up with it for both of your sakes. I think there are a lot of potential ways to deal with it, but you need to figure out which one works best for you both.
Feb 1, 2013
joined My Stranger Face
Feb 1, 2013
joined My Stranger Face