May 22
biggie commented on Savage Love.
LW#1 is a victim... of poor sex education. The experience she had, at least the best guess as to the experience she had according to the letter, was completely normal. The problem is, nobody ever set her expectations as to what a normal interaction between two sexually inexperienced people might be like.
Our American puritanical values have left virtually everyone learning how to conduct their sex lives through trial and error. The natural consequence of the trial and error method is a lot of error. And some of those error are going to include the parties getting more sexual contact than they would care for.
But... and here's the tip for all you sexually inexperienced folks who are lucky enough to be reading the comments for this column ... you don't have to verbally ask to get permission! I've probably touched one or both boobs in well over 100 sets of boobs. I can't recall ever specifically asking, "May I touch your boob?" It's awkward and most of the time the last thing a girl who really wants you to touch her boob wants you to do is stop and specifically, verbally ask if you can touch her boob.
For virtually any sort of basic sexual contact, you can telegraph your intent and give the other party opportunity to decline. In the case of boobs, make sure you remove the bra first. If there is no bra or it's been removed for a while, slowly run your hands along the skin in the direction of the boobs. If you're going downstairs, don't just throw your hand down the pants; unbutton them first, or if there's no buttons, to a little playing with the waistband.
The important part is, go slow! It gives the other party the chance to redirect you, and a little teasing will likely make for a better experience anyway.
Receiving parties: When hands or other things start going towards areas where you would prefer they were not, that's your opportunity to redirect! Block, or grab and redirect to where you'd like them to go, or just say, "No, grab my (whatever)".
If we had sex education that included basic lessons in sexual communication, we'd avoid a lot of situations like LW#1.
More...
Our American puritanical values have left virtually everyone learning how to conduct their sex lives through trial and error. The natural consequence of the trial and error method is a lot of error. And some of those error are going to include the parties getting more sexual contact than they would care for.
But... and here's the tip for all you sexually inexperienced folks who are lucky enough to be reading the comments for this column ... you don't have to verbally ask to get permission! I've probably touched one or both boobs in well over 100 sets of boobs. I can't recall ever specifically asking, "May I touch your boob?" It's awkward and most of the time the last thing a girl who really wants you to touch her boob wants you to do is stop and specifically, verbally ask if you can touch her boob.
For virtually any sort of basic sexual contact, you can telegraph your intent and give the other party opportunity to decline. In the case of boobs, make sure you remove the bra first. If there is no bra or it's been removed for a while, slowly run your hands along the skin in the direction of the boobs. If you're going downstairs, don't just throw your hand down the pants; unbutton them first, or if there's no buttons, to a little playing with the waistband.
The important part is, go slow! It gives the other party the chance to redirect you, and a little teasing will likely make for a better experience anyway.
Receiving parties: When hands or other things start going towards areas where you would prefer they were not, that's your opportunity to redirect! Block, or grab and redirect to where you'd like them to go, or just say, "No, grab my (whatever)".
If we had sex education that included basic lessons in sexual communication, we'd avoid a lot of situations like LW#1.
Apr 7
biggie commented on SL Letter of the Day: Porn Conundrum.
This one is easy - any sane evaluation of the risk/reward results in destroy the tapes.
If the tapes are discovered by ANYONE, it is going to have an immediate, severe consequence on your life. Even if both you and your girlfriend have every intention of keeping them a secret, you never know when someone else in either of your homes might come across them - what if either of you ends up with a nosy roommate or significant other? And that assumes your girlfriend is acting with entirely honest intentions.
And once found, it's very likely the existence of the tapes will be reported. And maybe you'll be lucky and you won't be prosecuted - but you'll still have the FBI show up at your house, you'll still be questioned, you'll still be in your local news paper as the guy interviewed by the FBI with the sex tapes of 14-year-olds. And while maybe morally it's OK that the tape is of you and by you, there are going to be plenty of people in your community who will forever think that you are a sick, sick fuck. "Why did he keep the tapes? Does he enjoy videos of 14-year-olds? IS HE GOING TO TRY AND TAKE VIDEO OF MY 14 YEAR OLD?!?!" Parents are crazy, and this just isn't something you want out there.
There is a lot more liability here than just the legal liability - you can get not prosecuted at all, but still have significant damage done to your life if it just gets out that you still have videos of your 14-year-old girlfriend.
DESTROY THE TAPES!
More...
If the tapes are discovered by ANYONE, it is going to have an immediate, severe consequence on your life. Even if both you and your girlfriend have every intention of keeping them a secret, you never know when someone else in either of your homes might come across them - what if either of you ends up with a nosy roommate or significant other? And that assumes your girlfriend is acting with entirely honest intentions.
And once found, it's very likely the existence of the tapes will be reported. And maybe you'll be lucky and you won't be prosecuted - but you'll still have the FBI show up at your house, you'll still be questioned, you'll still be in your local news paper as the guy interviewed by the FBI with the sex tapes of 14-year-olds. And while maybe morally it's OK that the tape is of you and by you, there are going to be plenty of people in your community who will forever think that you are a sick, sick fuck. "Why did he keep the tapes? Does he enjoy videos of 14-year-olds? IS HE GOING TO TRY AND TAKE VIDEO OF MY 14 YEAR OLD?!?!" Parents are crazy, and this just isn't something you want out there.
There is a lot more liability here than just the legal liability - you can get not prosecuted at all, but still have significant damage done to your life if it just gets out that you still have videos of your 14-year-old girlfriend.
DESTROY THE TAPES!
Apr 2
biggie commented on Savage Love.
Advising "waiting a hear and maybe your wife will give you a pass to explore your fantasy with a chick with a dick" is about the same as advising "But a bunch of scratch-offs and you might get enough money to pay off your credit cards."
Sure, that outcome is possible, but it's not very likely, especially if it's already causing relationship friction.
Sure, that outcome is possible, but it's not very likely, especially if it's already causing relationship friction.
Apr 2
biggie commented on Savage Love.
Geez Dan, what's gotten into you?
Fortunately, there's an answer to a girlfriend who withholds sex to get you to do what they want: DTMFB.
It's like negotiating with terrorists.
Fortunately, there's an answer to a girlfriend who withholds sex to get you to do what they want: DTMFB.
It's like negotiating with terrorists.
Jan 30
biggie commented on Savage Love.
What does SAD mean by interactive porn?
If it's a game, ok, but if her boyfriend is talking to another actual person and directing a scene or action (cam girls) that's a bit more than just "looking at porn".
I've been in relationships with some pretty progressive women, but any instance where you can ask someone to "say your name" and have your request fulfilled is probably not something you should do in a relationship without specifically communicating about it first.
If it's a game, ok, but if her boyfriend is talking to another actual person and directing a scene or action (cam girls) that's a bit more than just "looking at porn".
I've been in relationships with some pretty progressive women, but any instance where you can ask someone to "say your name" and have your request fulfilled is probably not something you should do in a relationship without specifically communicating about it first.
Dec 20, 2012
biggie commented on Savage Love.
@52:
It was meant as a general comment on the state of education in the US, specifically its inability to turn out 17-year-olds who can write, to the point that the expectation has become that 17-year-olds can't write.
Not directed at you personally.
It was meant as a general comment on the state of education in the US, specifically its inability to turn out 17-year-olds who can write, to the point that the expectation has become that 17-year-olds can't write.
Not directed at you personally.
Dec 19, 2012
biggie commented on Savage Love.
The saddest part about about @fif is the EXPECTATION that a 17-year-old can't know how to write well in their native language.
How low the bar has fallen.
How low the bar has fallen.
Nov 27, 2012
biggie commented on Savage Love.
Poly isn't a sexual orientation, as by definition your sexual orientation is which gender(s) you're attracted to.
But poly can be just as if not more important to someone's identity as their sexual orientation is, and it can carry just as much if not more of a stigma as being gay does.
But poly can be just as if not more important to someone's identity as their sexual orientation is, and it can carry just as much if not more of a stigma as being gay does.
Oct 23, 2012
biggie commented on Savage Love.
@9: Uh, what fiscally conservative Republicans?
Republicans are not fiscally conservative. Republicans are, in fact, even less fiscally conservative than Democrats, because at least Democrats will try and raise taxes to pay for their spending. Republicans spend just as much, although on different things, and cut taxes on top of it.
Remember, Republicans on the campaign trail want to cut spending. Republicans in office spend more money on corporate welfare, defense spending, and tax cuts targeted at the wealthy.
Republicans are not fiscally conservative. Republicans are, in fact, even less fiscally conservative than Democrats, because at least Democrats will try and raise taxes to pay for their spending. Republicans spend just as much, although on different things, and cut taxes on top of it.
Remember, Republicans on the campaign trail want to cut spending. Republicans in office spend more money on corporate welfare, defense spending, and tax cuts targeted at the wealthy.
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Never felt an apology was necessary ... learned after that that if you've got your naughty bits grinding against each other and you don't want actual sex you really need to say so as penetration is the obvious next step.
This goes back to my previous sex ed post - if someone moves your clothing to the point that your penis or vagina is exposed and your penis/vagina is anywhere in the general vicinity of the other party's penis/vagina, and you DON'T want penetration, this is the time where you need to say so, because the obvious next step when two uncovered penises/vaginas are next to each other is, well... that's what they were built for.