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Oct 21, 2010 kimberkit commented on Savage Love.
Ouch. I hope PTSD isn't actually reading all of these nasty responses, after Dan verbally slammed on her.

I hope she actually finds someone who's willing to hear her out, without judging her -- because having been raped, I know how terrible the judgmental voice in your head already is, without everyone else piling on about how so and so is not acting like a *human being*! (Man. Since when does handling things badly in a relationship mean that you're suddenly disqualified from being a member of the human race? That seems a bit extreme, don't you think?)

"Get therapy" is solid advice, but a bit simplistic -- not every therapist is going to be a good listener, not every therapist is going to be compatible with your needs, and not every therapist is going to ask the right questions about the polyamory situation, and be able to withhold judgments.

"Get rid of the boyfriend" is also a simplistic piece of advice. The problem is that the husband feels bad -- but he will *continue* to feel bad if she gets rid of the boyfriend only to be miserable because she was bullied into doing so. It's very hard for people to give up what they love, but I hear a lot of people essentially asking her to do just that, without asking any questions about whether her relationship with her husband is stable enough to be able to handle such a maneuver and the ensuing depression likely to come up.

FWIW, I think couple's counseling for both couples is just as important as individual therapy, in this case. It's likely that there's some level of not-talking-about-what's-in-her-head happening with both of her partners. What is she telling one partner that she's not telling the other? What isn't she telling the partners about each other, and her relationship with each? That affects how she views herself and each of her relationships.

Good luck, PTSD.
Sep 18, 2009 kimberkit commented on Savage Love.
I wonder whether HOLIK's complaint is not just that she resents having only kinky sex, but whether she dislikes having to take the lead all the time -- having to be in charge all the time even when you're having "just" vanilla can be tiresome.
Jul 3, 2009 kimberkit commented on Savage Love.
I love Dan Savage :) Seriously, I trust that Dan has more back story than everyone in the comments as far as NSA's back story (like, whether everyone was friends first, or whether her current guy was attracted to ex anyway, or how long it's been since she broke up with her ex, etc. All of those factors change the equation a lot, people. Each of those is a good indicator of where your headspace actually is.)

In any case, giving NSA the benefit of the doubt, because she actually sounds pretty sane, I'll say that getting your needs met and having hot sex in the bargain is pretty win-win.
Jun 5, 2009 kimberkit commented on Savage Love.
I'm *really* surprised by Dan's "advice" to LIAR. Not only do I disagree with the broad prescriptive note that "no one should be talking about marriage at three months" (clearly, as comments reflect, longterm and happy marriages do occur even when you've *gasp* started talking about marriage at 3 months) but Dan's advice to LIAR is also just extremely unhelpful. What is she supposed to do with, "you were stupid for talking about marriage anyway"? Is that going to help her deal with her lying boyfriend? Is that going to help her be better in this relationship OR the next one, when she has been yelled at for talking about what she hoped for? No.