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Jan 26, 2015 kellarules commented on SL Letter of the Day: Wonderful Fiancé Turns Out To Be Total Shit Stain.
@166 you forgot the part where he blamed her for her own sexual assault and kept accusing her of being a shitty cheating slut.

People keep going back and forth about whether the guy at the bar was the friend, etc. Sure, I suppose if the guy at the bar was the friend then that lends the opinion of the shit stain fiance a little credibility.

But regardless of his reason for it, demanding your partner cut off ties with someone who is big in your life is a red flag. "If I loved him I would do this." That's manipulative shit right there.

It's possible for someone to do this in a way that doesn't raise red flags. You can express concern, you can explain why you have issues with your partner's friend. You can ask for assurance. etc. If it's a really intense situation, you might even be able to get away with asking for them to cut off contact-- but not demanding it-- and even that would probably raise red flags for people. And then when they say no, you drop it and let your behavior stand the test of time that you're not an controlling abuser. LW's fiance completely failed to do that. He increased his controlling abuser behavior.
Jan 25, 2015 kellarules commented on SL Letter of the Day: Wonderful Fiancé Turns Out To Be Total Shit Stain.
Hey @banned!

Demanding that your partner cut contact with all their exes/people they've ever slept with is an controlling abuser move. Most people in the slog comments know that.

"Anyways, the potential for children(cool, have a fucking tax break?) means no, I don't want you hanging out with someone you've banged. What are you missing here?"

What the hell does this mean? If I have kids, they could somehow be damaged by the presence of people I had sex with once 10 years ago? None of your points are clear and most of them sound like insecure bullshit.
Jan 23, 2015 kellarules commented on SL Letter of the Day: Wonderful Fiancé Turns Out To Be Total Shit Stain.
Fiance tells you to cut off contact with a 10-year-friendship? Red flag. Good job seeing that.

Fiance blames you for being sexually assaulted? DOUBLE red flag.

Fiance blames you for being sexually assaulted, even though he knows you've been sexually abused multiple times before and that at those previous times people don't believe you when you say you were assaulted? SUPER DOUBLE EVERLASTING RED FLAG.

Any one of these things should be enough to drop him on the spot. I know how hard that is, because I've been through it. You have to make the decision on your own time line. But you deserve better than this shit.
Dec 4, 2014 kellarules commented on SL Letter of the Day: Two Graves, One Book.
@11 I thought the same thing. If you're in an open marriage and seeing someone else, that someone else is trying to convince you to leave your marriage for them, that should be an instant deal breaker. What the fuck was this person thinking?

I'm also with other commenters about the wife. All the info we have on the wife is from the mouth of asshole husband and it sounds like it's been mostly crap. And I don't see how handing this book over would do much damage to him. The wife would either a. stay in the marriage for reasons already outlined and she'd take her anger out on him, but sounds like their relationships is shit anyways so that wouldn't be that much worse than it already is or b. get divorced which honestly he probably would be okay with. Handing over the book mostly hurts the wife if she doesn't know, or does nothing, if she knows already.
Dec 3, 2014 kellarules commented on Savage Love.
@2 Repressed religion really isn't necessary for a woman to have insecurity about her body. Our whole society is steeped in judging women by their bodies, and finding basically all of them lacking. I was raised Quaker, basically the most accepting loving version of religious that you can get, and I still grew up feeling awful about my body. Got a lot of that sorted out when I worked on other self worth issues and now I'm pretty in love with my body.

MiM might benefit in asking herself if she feels this level of insecurity about any other part of her body or herself? If it's a more wide spread problem she might benefit from a little therapy. She's not setting off any alarm bells for me here, but sometimes it can be really helpful to have someone to repeat to you over and over things like, "Your worth is not measured by the length of your labia," or, "You can't control what other people think of your body. But you can control what you think of it and focus on that."
Dec 2, 2014 kellarules commented on SL Letter of the Day: His Pace, His Rules, His BS.
Hmmm... dude leaves a relationship that's on the rocks without attempting to fix it for a relationship that ended in divorce and never worked. Even if Dan is wrong and you're not being played, why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who clearly has no idea how to manage a relationship well?
Nov 18, 2014 kellarules commented on SL Letter of the Day: Ex-Primary Screwing Up Next Primary.
It would be nice if the slog programmers could fix the weird gaps between paragraphs things. It's kinda annoying.
Nov 18, 2014 kellarules commented on SL Letter of the Day: Ex-Primary Screwing Up Next Primary.
"She isn't comfortable dating me while my ex and I have unresolved issues."

But of course the problem is the issues are unresolved because the ex has refused to acknowledge her shitty behavior, despite the LW's generous willingness to be on decent terms with her. It sounds like his new lady is waiting for him to bridge the gap, and not expecting the same of the ex. This of course is the exact same pattern that the abuse took in the relationship: He's responsible for fixing stuff and putting up with whatever, she doesn't have to anything she doesn't want to.

If I were EG, I would go to my new love interest and say, "I know it's weird for you to be involved with me when I'm on bad terms with a good friend of yours and I know you want us to work things out. I am willing to be on civil terms with her if she is willing to admit that her behavior towards me was shitty and that it's something she should work on. She has refused to do this. Sucking it up and being civil to her anyways feels just like the crap she was pulling in the relationship and it seems pretty unfair to put all that responsibility on me. I'm not trying to mess up your friendship. You do what you need to do. But I've already offered her what I've got to offer and she said no."

I think Dan was wrong on this was but I kind of understand where he's coming from. Sometimes abusers are good people who have shitty behaviors that they are capable of changing. Abuse is a spectrum. Some people can inhabit the same community as their abuser without it being seriously detrimental to their mental health. Lots of people can't. The fact that EG said he was willing to be on good terms with his ex seems to imply that being in her presence isn't not traumatic to him and he gets to decide that, not us commenters.
Oct 29, 2014 kellarules commented on Savage Love.
I think Dan missed a couple things on POPS. Buying his kid some butt plugs or giving him a gift certificate to an online sex store are great ideas. But does this kid know about the existence anal sex toys? Does he know why you use them and not tooth brushes? Does he know how to stay clean and safe during anal play? I'd say, if he's got access to the internet, he's got partial answers to these questions but may have bad information about most of the rest. This father needs to have a longer butt-related sex talk with his son rather than trying to push away the existence of his son's masturbatory habits. Better to have the embarrassing (for both of them) talk than for the kid to end up in the ER with a household item stuck in his butt.
Oct 3, 2014 kellarules commented on SL Letter of the Day: Sarcasm Uptake Inhibitors.
I'm voting for the controlling psycho explanation. Someone mentioned if it was that it would've showed up in more aspects of their relationship, but not necessarily. Sometimes controlling abusers gradually increase the controlling behavior over time, which can lead to the partner getting used to it and be less likely to end the relationship suddenly.

Two things stood out to me here that pointed to controlling psycho. The first one was this sentence, "When I got dressed he got mad. " So, she dresses up for *him* on HER birthday, he ignores her for several hours, she's feeling upset, disappointed, sexually frustrated, angry, and she does the logical thing. She gives up, disengages, and gets dressed. And only then does he participate by getting mad. I'm sure it kept the drama going and gave her some serious emotional whiplash. That sounds like controlling behavior to me, not just asshole behavior.

Second thing: "He says I'm making up stuff or that I'm just being insecure." Unless this only happened the one time, she's got multiple concrete examples of times he used to get excited when she dressed up, and now does nothing; how they used to have awesome sex, and now they don't. To say, "No those things did not happen, you are making them up," that's some serious gas-lighting there. She takes the bait, believes the gas-lighting a little bit, believes the insults a little bit, and then he finishes with, "You're just being insecure," and BAM it's true! She is insecure! And suddenly the things he says sound like truth.

Gas-lighting is a problem for two reasons. We, especially men, are taught to use it on women anytime they're having feelings that are uncomfortable for us. That's awful. But what's even more awful is that when women experience gas-lighting, they are taught to believe it and accept it as truth. That's how a secure woman like this can turn into an insecure one who's reluctant to break up with her short term asshole boyfriend.