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kellarules
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Apr 8 kellarules commented on SL Letter of the Day: Pretty Little Hippie.
I live in a town full of hippies and I'm definitely a bit of a hippie myself: recycling, organic, open mind--all cool stuff. But the people that *I* call hippies are people like this, the people who say, "Love everybody and everything!" and what they mean is, "Boundaries? Fuck that! I'm gonna do whatever I want and pretend that other people enjoy it! And then I'm going to say that I'm better than the people who don't enjoy it!"

There's a weekly dance that happens before an event I attend, where you can go and dance however you want to, but for whatever reason, it very much caters to these kinds of hippies. All of my least favorite people ON THE PLANET go to this dance. They all share a blatant disregard for boundaries and an extreme self centered nature.
Apr 5 kellarules commented on Savage Love.
This is such a controversial column and I'm agreeing some with both sides of the debate.

I think that Dan's language was transphobic and insensitive. While he uses similarly harsh language for EVERYBODY, it's particularly harsh to do so for a group that is still pretty early it's in civil rights movement and needs all the support it can get. It's been my impression that being respectful of trans issues in his language is something that Dan has worked on and improved, but this is an issue that I'm relatively new to and haven't done tons of research on.

The biggest problem with Dan's language being so transphobic is that people equate transphobic language with "You are saying that this person is bad because they are *trans*." I've done this before, and it's an easy mistake. But while this happens frequently, it's possible for the two to be separate.

"My son's father, my ex, is a gay man. We've accepted this and we love him dearly, but there are issues affecting my son that my ex is ignoring. " THIS is the issue. The problem is not that the father (now mother?) is trans and wants to transition, the issue is that she is ignoring the way her actions are affecting her son and not doing anything to protect him from some really difficult life changing stuff. Which is why Dan said one of the things she could have done to help out the son was wait on transitioning. I don't know that I agree with this idea, but I agree with the sentiment.

Divorce, HIV, transitioning, these are all things the father/now mother could be going through and still show some consideration and care for her son. If I were in position and I felt like I had too much to handle without unloading it on my son, I might take some space from my family until I had my shit together, after letting my kid know that I loved him and it was not his fault, and that I'd be back when I could be a better parent.

So, I think Dan handled this quite badly, but I think it's silly to assume that a column he wrote in 2003 necessarily represents his opinions now. People change. We count on that to further these civil rights movements. And it's important to remember that a trans person is still a person (that's the whole point!!!) which means they are still capable of making bad, hurtful decisions, just as they are capable of being wonderful awesome people.
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Apr 3 kellarules commented on Savage Love.
This comment thread is my favorite part of this particular column. Makes me laugh every time.
Mar 25 kellarules commented on SL Letter of the Day: Got It Good.
There's a difference between having a high libido and thinking that your partner is completely responsible for satisfying your high libido at all times, and entirely through vaginal intercourse. The other types of sex she's offering are still fun and still sex. And when none of that is offered, TAKE CARE OF YOUR OWN DAMN SELF.
Mar 18 kellarules commented on SL Letter of the Day: A Short Answer to a Hard Problem.
It makes perfect sense to me that a woman who wouldn't leave a sexless and borderline abusive relationship for 12 years would have a hard time a. identifying what it was that she wanted, if she wasn't used to ever getting it and b. verbalizing what she wanted. Someone who has never had a healthy sex life *is* naive about how healthy sexual desires work. Also, as Dan pointed out, this guy is comfortable with her going and sleeping with other guys. Comfortable. Not pushing her over and over again to do it. He abandoned the idea when she reacted badly and is now asking Dan for advice on what *else * he could do. How is that making it all about his dick or equivalent to a cuckold fetish?
Mar 16 kellarules commented on Women's Health Care Clinic in Montana Destroyed by Anti-Choice Vandal.
Raindrop, the reason we equate the actions of the GOP with the actions of his violent anti-choicer is that they work to accomplish the same goal: To restrict (or eliminate) women's access to reproductive health services. Both are destructive. One is doing so with violence and the other is using the law. Personally, I am just as opposed to the message they are sending as I am to the violence, if not more so.
Mar 12 kellarules commented on Savage Love.
I find it super hilarious that ICING's girlfriend was worried that being turned on by the idea of two guys coming on her face made her a bad feminist. The things that people come up with that apparently exclude you from feminism.
Mar 7 kellarules commented on SAVAGE LOVE.
14 years too late but there totally was a reference to crystal meth in "Hair." In the song "Hashish" they are just listing a whole bunch of drugs, and one of them is "methedrine" otherwise known as crystal meth.
Feb 24 kellarules commented on Closeted Bisexual Complains About Bisexual Invisibility.
I came out as bi to one friend as a time, but didn't tell my parents for a while. I knew they would be cool with it but it was a bad time to confide in them about things. Eventually, the way I did come out to them was by telling them I had a girlfriend.

After a number of years of identifying as bi, being out to my friends, and being out on facebook, I figured out a good way to combat bi invisibility without having to go "Hi, nice to meet you, I'm bisexual." I just drop it into conversation, casually, with no baggage attached. In addition to talking about my boyfriend, I'll mention "My ex-girlfriend and I had dinner..." or, "There was this really cute girl there and it got me all flustered and embarassed.." It makes it seem more normal, which is the whole point of encouraging people to be out in as many contexts as possible.
Jan 31 kellarules commented on SL Letter of the Day: Dimpure.
My advise for Mismatched On Sex:

You've got it right there in your sign off. The two of you are not a match when it comes to sex. He's never had sex before, you have, and he doesn't like that. He doesn't masturbate, you do, and he wouldn't like it if he knew. He doesn't watch porn, you do, he's not okay with it. You're into girls. He's uncomfortable with same-sex stuff and thinks (or thought) it's deeply evil. I may disagree with his opinions (religious or not) but he's got a right to them. But you don't have to continue to date someone who doesn't like you doing stuff that you find enjoyable and fulfilling.

Dan, and a lot of the Stranger regular readers think you should DTMFA. I think there's a good case for doing that. But this guy is young too, probably doesn't realize that his opinions may cost him a bunch of otherwise awesome realtionships, and may eventually change his mind. I think it would be to his benefit for you to sit him down and say, "Look, I like being with you, I like what we've got. But here's the deal: I'm into girls, that's never gonna change. I'm not a virgin. That's never gonna change. I enjoy watching porn and masturbating. That's never gonna change. I'm not into being guilt tripped for all this stuff that's just me and who I am and what I like to do. I won't stick around and deal with that. If you don't like this stuff about me and you can't get over it, then let me know and we can walk away right now."

Who knows, standing up for yourself might blow his mind and make him reconsider. Or give him an opportunity to be honest that no, he's not okay with that, and then you can part ways.

I don't like the opinions of MOS's boyfriend and I think they are controlling etc too. But I don't think demonizing him is the most helpful for a young woman in her position especially because it would be FINE for this guy to have such different opinions from her as long as he was showing her the same understanding as she's showing him. Understanding can be dangerous when taken too far but it's also a gift. I don't wanna talk this girl out of respecting someone else's right to a different opinion. She can leave this guy without changing that.
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