report this user
Jan 14 BiDanFan commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: My Ex Was Wrong For Me But The Sex Was Perfect.
FutureCat @74: Sex has been far better on average since I've been older, because I'm over those silly youthful notions of "a good lover should be able to read your mind" and that sort of nonsense, and am no longer afraid to offend a fragile ego by asking for what I want. Ask and ye shall get... who knew?
Jan 14 BiDanFan commented on Savage Love.
Liberal @62: Whoops, glad you got what I meant by "father your children."

DC270 @64: No one "self described" as "very oral"; that was COUGAR's review of her lover. I'm sure you've run across men using this phrase (though I haven't), and I'd find it odd as well. I reckon I'd prefer to let actions speak louder than words in that regard.

Griz: Congrats on the magic number this week!
Jan 13 BiDanFan commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: My Ex Was Wrong For Me But The Sex Was Perfect.
Harriet @51: My advice is: If the sex ISN'T amazing after three months, cut bait and run.
And I don't synonymise "repetition" with "commitment and monogamy." Firstly, you can have commitment without monogamy. Secondly, some of the best sex I've ever had was with an out-of-town FWB whom I (tragically) only saw every couple of months. Yes, I had to cut him loose because not seeing him more often was tearing me apart. And no, I haven't had sex that good since. But I've had sex almost that good with people who treated me better. As DarkHorse @33 says, you have to look at the total package.

Also in my experience, strong feelings do not lead to great sex. Great sex leads to strong feelings. I suspect that's how it worked with CUMM and her ex.

Emma @58: While, at 24, I was having the best sex of my life with my ex-husband, those memories did fade. I couldn't honestly tell you who was better, my ex-husband or my ex-FWB. The point is that equally good lovers are out there.

Harriet @65: Yes, Dan is a sex advice columnist. He used to have a general agony-uncle column called "Dear Dan," but that's been defunct for a few decades. Dan's advice will always skew sex-positive. Now you know.

RE @66: What's wrong with a bit of both? Verbally ascertain whether the woman you are with wants you to take the lead in bed. Ask whether screaming means "more" or "stop." Then proceed accordingly. The sexual style Fichu describes would be perfect for many women. Communicate! Communicate! Communicate!
Jan 13 BiDanFan commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: My Ex Was Wrong For Me But The Sex Was Perfect.
DarkHorse @49: You've misread the letter.
CUMM says: "things we didn't talk much about in college started becoming an issue, i.e. the fact that he wanted kids and I didn't".
So Sublime IS trotting out the old "of course you'll change your mind and want kids" trope.
Jan 12 BiDanFan commented on Savage Love.
Liberal @58: "The thing that really bothers me is that people immediately assume that the relationship isn't serious."

Yeah, I can see how that would be a drag. I wonder if it's because she's past childbearing age, and they're assuming you'll want to find someone to father your children? Because of course EVERYONE wants children. (Oh, how I detest this assumption. See also: same-sex couples should be denied marriage rights because they're obviously not "breeding pairs," and that's the whole point, right? UGHHH.)

You're right, no one would make those sorts of cracks if your ages were reversed. It's a shitty double standard. But glad it's living up to the stereotype in one aspect :D
Jan 12 BiDanFan commented on Savage Love.
CMD @53: I would call such a man a silver fox, perhaps?
Jan 12 BiDanFan commented on Savage Love.
Liberal again: Context and intent are everything when it comes to language. It's possible that these friends (or whoever) are calling you "cougar" and "toyboy" because they know it riles you. Perhaps instead of huffily responding "I have a career, I'll have you know!", you could defuse the insult by smiling and saying "Yes, I'm a lucky toyboy, I've got a sexy cougar." That might shut them up. Just a thought.
Jan 12 BiDanFan commented on Savage Love.
Liberal @49: I saw FAGS's boyfriend's fetish as being emasculated, as well. In the gay world there are bears and there are sissy boys. FAGS clearly isn't identifying with the Tom of Finland type when he asks to be humiliated this way -- and clearly isn't homophobic if he's partying in gay clubs. How many submissive feminists like being called "bitch" and "slut" during sex? But I also understand FAGS's reluctance -- I have dominant tendencies and I still find it difficult to overcome my natural instinct to treat people with respect, even if humiliation is what they've specifically requested.

If FAGS wants to up the ante, she could suggest pegging him. Something tells me that would push all of his kink buttons.
Jan 12 BiDanFan commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: My Ex Was Wrong For Me But The Sex Was Perfect.
DarkHorse @46: I admit that I am defensive about this due to the sheer volume of patronisation I've received on this over the decades (mercifully, it seemed to stop once I reached 35). And I did say that it was EITHER projection OR sexism -- the sexist bit being the comparative frequency with which women are told they'll change their minds, compared to men, who are far more likely to be taken seriously when they say they don't want kids.

Sublime's comment irked me because there was no evidence whatsoever that CUMM had reconsidered. Had they phrased the comment "if you're reconsidering" rather than "it sounds like you're reconsidering," which it absolutely didn't, I might have let it slide.
Jan 12 BiDanFan commented on Savage Love.
Ricardo @42: nailed it.
Am I the only person who read BREEDER as female? Of course there is zero evidence either way.