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2:05 AM BiDanFan commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Mom's Boundless Boundary Issues.
Sounds like my mother, which is why I moved out at 17.

If you're moving out soon, DAMNED, this problem will resolve itself. But I do agree that both of you have issues about how adult children and parents relate to each other. Your mother is not recognising that you are an adult. If you didn't already have plans to move out, "offer to pay rent" would be my first suggestion, since that's what adults do. Your mother has it in her head that teenageres live at home, and therefore is still treating you like a teenager. "Stop acting like one" would be the next bit of advice -- by which I don't mean don't smoke weed and have casual sex, but put weed and sex into your own grown-up, none-of-my-mother's-business category of life experience. As Dan says, telling the truth doesn't require telling the whole truth. As an adult, you're entitled to your own private adult activities; do the both of you a favour and keep those private.
1:52 AM BiDanFan commented on Savage Love.
Sorry, Woof @148. "It all started" with someone dismissing a mother who was protecting her child from a situation the child found upsetting as "an uptight, hyper-freaked-out, danger-is-everywhere contemporary American parent, who completely over- and misinterpreted a harmless gesture from a friendly, slightly tipsy person." Not with my musings on why a person might hold such a dismissive attitude.

Don't @150: "FFS, people, this isn't about whether to believe our kids when they say the babysitter fondled them."
Actually, it is.
But where do you get "as long as the teller is female" is from? Do you think we'd have had a substantively different discussion if the father had written in? Or do you think the father wouldn't have written in, because a man wouldn't have overstepped a child's boundaries in front of another man?
Personally, I believe stories on the Internet so long as they are plausible. And you yourself even admit that this was. So what is your issue? You just want to make sure we all know you're a liar and there are plenty more out there? Yes, we know. Thanks.
The "false accusations of rape" rate is estimated to be about 8%, with estimates varying from 1.5% to 10%. Funny how that is higher than the conviction rate, given that 92% of allegations are true. I wonder why this is? I also wonder how accurate the numbers can be, because, again, by your logic if the accused can't prove the accuser made up the story then how can we believe he is innocent?…

If you believe LW1, then I'm not sure where your tenacity in trying to convince us all that some people lie comes from. What's your agenda? Again (and again and again and again), no one is saying that people should be thrown in jail without trial. We are saying allegations of abuse should be taken seriously.

Hunter @152: And again (and again and again), if this nine-year-old learns an instinct for self-preservation from her mother, isn't that FAR better than the lesson Apoptopic @99 learned, which was, you must let adults touch you in any way they like?

Some utterly ridiculous leaps of logic in this week's thread. Can't wait for new letters, I feel a bit sickened by the human race right now.
10:03 AM yesterday BiDanFan commented on Savage Love.
Sigh. "Believing everything one is told" is not the same thing as "erring on the side of protecting children from harm." But hey. It's not often someone actually admits they are wrong on the internet, so well done Fissile for showing the ability to learn. Kind of.

And "sweetie" is condescending. "Cunt" is misogynistic. Glad we've sorted that out.
4:42 AM yesterday BiDanFan commented on Savage Love.
I also want to make the point, and parents here can back me up: Parents, you can usually tell when a child is making up a story; correct? You'd almost certainly know the difference between a child who had actually been traumatised by unwanted contact or just creepy vibes, and one who was telling a story in order to get out of something they didn't want to do?
3:46 AM yesterday BiDanFan commented on Savage Love.
Griz @126: Ugh, that sounds awful. Amazing how any sort of non-consensual contact can creep us out for years to come. I think most men honestly do not understand how it is to be in a situation where someone is bigger, stronger, and more powerful than you, and the only thing coming between you and rape victimhood is his self-restraint... which we certainly cannot trust when he has already violated our boundaries. Or when someone else has in a similar situation. Powerlessness is an awful feeling. Snail @120, I guess I can't blame you, and I certainly hope you don't end up in the situation where a strong man wrestles your gun away from you and you end up raped AND murdered. (This would undoubtedly be the outcome in my case; besides, guns are thankfully not legal where I live.)
3:23 AM yesterday BiDanFan commented on Savage Love.
Oh Fissile. You've just wandered into these boards, a green newbie, and insulted one of our best loved members, who was 100% right about your attitude. Your fun here is over, sweetie. Oodletrend, who's now rightly run away with his tail between his legs, should use @124 as an example of the "civilized discourse" he laughably accused me of lacking.

Fissile, I too am curious to hear your answer to Lava's question @131 (and repeated several times). If a child has been molested by an adult, and they were the only two present, how do you propose that child give evidence of what happened to them? I think we are all waiting. Your examples are bogus. Can you not see that potentially preventing child abuse is important enough that possibly, just possibly, a child's word should be enough to keep them away from a person who they claim creeps them out? Even if they just said the person creeped them out because they had bad breath or something, how on earth is society as a whole better served by forcing them to be alone with that person, when it is in fact entirely possible that person is an abuser -- or if not them, the next creeper, who they now know they'd best not speak up about because they won't be listened to?

Nobody is asking for donations here. We are talking about children's safety, not scams, not sending innocent people to jail without trial.

And regarding racism, that is largely learned too. A child may see a person with different coloured skin or hair that seems strange and ask, "Mommy, why is that man's skin so dark?" And depending on the answer, they formulate their attitudes toward other races. My parents managed to teach me both to be accepting of people of different races and abilities and to not let anyone touch me without my consent. It is not rocket science. It's called parenting.

Hunter @115: Should have known you'd come down on the "benefit of the doubt for drunken gropers" side. Sigh. Would you mind re-reading @99 once more to see the consequences of encouraging children to give the benefit of the doubt to adults who probably.... probably... don't mean any harm?
Oct 23 BiDanFan commented on Savage Love.
Slinky @103: "Can we dispense with the premise that women don't know the difference between somebody intending to creep on/prey on them, and somebody who is just going about their business? That we're incapable of reading body language and people who intend to push on our boundaries and our safety because our poor little ladybrains can't handle the cold cruel world?"

Good story, but I think this approach could be dangerous if you look at the flip side. Why did that woman accept a drink from a guy who'd spiked it? Surely she should have been able to tell he was a predator, not the charming guy he appeared to be? Obviously her own instincts let her down; it's her own fault she missed the signs and got raped.

To Mexas and Fissile: Sure, there is a slim chance that somebody is exaggerating or making something up. But how about we compare the outcomes? A child reports that someone did something creepy. You choose to believe the child and keep them away from that person. What's the worst that could happen? An adult gets their feelings hurt. But what if the child is telling the truth, or at least the 90% truth, and you choose to disregard their worries? What's the worst that can happen? See post @99. I can't believe anyone would be so callous that, if a child said a neighbour or babysitter molested them or made them feel uncomfortable, would say "Prove it."
Oct 23 BiDanFan commented on Savage Love.
Capricornius @102: "they want to maintain a conservative majority in the Supreme Court"

See, even this, to me, means they are terrible people who want to deprive the less privileged of their rights. Why should I accept that view as equivalent to the one who says, all people deserve rights and equality? It isn't, and never will be.
Oct 22 BiDanFan commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Guys Keep Putting Him In "The Bottom Zone".
Tachy @11: 24, and two months. Which, yeah, if they're already falling into a rut sexually and BF already is blowing off LW's concerns about their sex life, would seem to put him squarely in the 90-day money-back-guarantee period.

Agree with Saxfanatic: If men are reading LW as a bottom (perhaps he's subconsciously attracted to only dominant guys?), he should probably start by declaring himself a top instead of "versatile." Our resident gay men can speak to this better than I can, but I've heard gay men joke that "versatile means bottom." Start out topping your guys, and then when they get used to seeing you in that role, you can start switching it up. And what Dan says -- you can have lots of hot gay sex without anyone's asshole involved. Experiment and have fun!
Oct 22 BiDanFan commented on Savage Love.
Apoptotic @99: I want you to know that I did read, and I do care. I have angry tears in my eyes right now, anger at those who violated young you. I am so sorry you had to go through those things. Hugs to you, and if it were somehow in my power to find those men and kick them hard in the balls, I would.