BiDanFan
report this user
in the past hour BiDanFan commented on Savage Love.
@106: Only fools use the terms "alpha male" and "beta male."
in the past hour BiDanFan commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Reader Advice Round-up.
Good points, Castalia and Sanguisuga. These days, being child-free is an option; in previous generations, societal expectations and lack of birth control and abortion meant lots of people having kids very much against their preferences.
in the past few hours BiDanFan commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: His Wife Wants Him Hard But Hates the Boner Pills That Get Him Hard.
Emma @17: That was my first thought. I sure hope these kids have been vaccinated!
5:06 AM yesterday BiDanFan commented on Savage Love.
Lava @80: Yes. Since you insist on your own terminology, she wants her husband's consent to have an "affair" with this man. Which is known in modern circles as "being poly."

Now, you can say that it's not fair for her to ask, because she committed to a monogamous relationship. You can say that he doesn't have to agree, because he does not want to be non-monogamous himself. Both of those views are completely valid. What is inaccurate is these allegations of dishonesty on her part. She has been nothing but honest about what she wants; whether she should get what she wants is what's at issue here.

There are several ways people go from being monogamous to being poly. As Ciods, Cat_in_Fez and Biggie have observed, being in a monogamous relationship and developing feelings for someone else -- as many long-term partnered people do -- is one very common way. If you're happy with your spouse, you might not want amorphous others, but then blam, someone rocks your world and makes you reconsider. That's not a "con"; that's real life. In the world of monogamous expectations, partnered people are expected to either repress their crushes or leave their partners. This woman has seen a third way, a way that she feels could work for all of them. She may be wrong; it may not work for her husband, but she'll never know unless she asks, which, possibly after seeing how Friend's poly marriage is working well, seemed an attractive option.

There is, of course, also the Mr EricaP impetus for going poly, which is having many crushes on many people that he wanted to be able to act on, and the BDF method, which was being single and getting involved with people who were in existing poly relationships. I'm sure these paths are not exhaustive. Wife is not "disparaging" anyone else's journey by experiencing her own reason for wanting non-monogamy.
More...
1:26 AM yesterday BiDanFan commented on Savage Love.
*knowledge and consent. Copypaste error.
1:25 AM yesterday BiDanFan commented on Savage Love.
Lava: Let me see if I can state this simply.
Having a sexual relationship with a third party without your partner's knowledge or consent = "an affair."
Having a sexual relationship with a third party with your partner's knowledge or consent = "polyamory."
1:03 AM yesterday BiDanFan commented on Savage Love.
Lava @75: Yes, it does sound like she wants to have an affair, and she has asked her husband's permission to have this affair. There is no con. Poly does not mean you want to fuck everyone under the sun. Poly people - surprise! - can be quite picky. She's using the word poly because poly means having more than one relationship and what she wants is to have more than one relationship. She wants to be poly. With her husband and her friend.
12:58 AM yesterday BiDanFan commented on Savage Love.
Semantics point: When I say "open the marriage," I am using "open" as a verb to mean "end the requirement of monogamy." I am not using it to imply that they should move to an "open relationship" (defined by some here as "casual sex only") instead of a "poly relationship," when what Wife has asked for is specifically a poly relationship.
Wife should agree to whatever form of ethical non-monogamy Husband wants for himself, that's only fair.
12:45 AM yesterday BiDanFan commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Reader Advice Round-up.
People who are child-free generally end up grandchild-free too. Funny how that works. (If they were the sort who didn't like children, they wouldn't have had their own a generation ago. If they were enthusiastic about those, it does seem odd that they would be aloof towards ones they can give back in a few hours.)
12:39 AM yesterday BiDanFan commented on Savage Love.
And, of course, step two comes after step one, not a second step one. More coffee is needed.