May 14 slinky commented on Savage Love.
The feeling I got throughout NOTHARD's letter is that she wants to fuck, but more specifically she wants to fuck her husband. That whole bit about a casual thing becoming not-casual means she has serious concerns about the impact of a hall pass on her marriage. Feeling like she would be cheating, even if she had permission, is also a serious concern for her. None of this says to me, "I want out" or entitlement. It's screaming out that she wants to fuck her husband and screaming even louder that the health of her marriage is a very high priority.

I don't know how things are in their marriage, or what point they're at. We don't know if the husband is truly worried about medical things or he has his pride/dignity involved or he is kind of done with sex or what. He could be one of those people (of all points on the gender spectrum) who thinks if something isn't "natural" that you shouldn't do it. He could have had a nasty reaction (how bad were those headaches?) and he's gunshy.

But if they're willing to try, then there are cock rings, penile sheaths, strapons, vibrators for me, and all kinds of things like that that would let NOTHARD do what she wants (or rather who she wants...she wants to fuck her husband) the way she wants it and would spare her husband the side effects of medication.
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May 11 slinky commented on Savage Love.
I can't believe it's 57 comments in an noone has asked/suggested if LW#1's husband has tried cock rings.

LW #1? Have you two tried cock rings? If he's able to get it up but it won't stay up, and all he needs is some help in the "blood stays in dick" department, that might help him stay up AND no headaches AND more PIV for you. And if it doesn't work, it's not an expensive investment.

May 1 slinky commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: His Wife Wants Him Hard But Hates the Boner Pills That Get Him Hard.
@51 Chrissycrunch, Crisse sur la Calisse de l'osti du fucking tabarnak I HATE those people.

I hate them in all their forms. "Well, if you would just eat right and exercise and lose weight, you won't need XXX medication." Oh really? I do eat well and I just rode my bicycle 70 miles yesterday (when some of these folks can't even ride 7 miles without falling off) and my weight is between me and my doctor and please tell me again how eating right and exercising will make me not need an Epi-pen? Tell me how diet and exercise will make my immune system not mistake something mundane for mortal poison. Tell me how if only I spend 30 minutes at the gym 4 times a week and eat more vegetables that I won't need this lifesaving medication. Tell m. I dearly want to know.

May 1 slinky commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: His Wife Wants Him Hard But Hates the Boner Pills That Get Him Hard.
@29 (and also LW)...it can be disappointing when a guy loses his erection, but it's also disappointing when the forecast calls for rain and you get showers for 5 minutes and that's it and you really could have used more rain (obviously I do not live in Seattle) but you're not going to bitch about only getting 5 minutes of rain. But, assuming it's not Super-Drought, you can get the hose to keep your plants happy for 3-4 days until the next forecast storm and you can do plenty of other Fun Things without a rock-hard dick. And sometimes the nitrogen from the beans/compost isn't enough and you need some fertilizer to make the garden happy/ED-drugs and lube to make the sex work out. That's just life.

IOW, LW, your wife is being an asshole. Things change. If she wants a fulfilling sex life with a partner with a nice hard dick AND she does not want you taking medications that alter your bloodflow enough to have a nice hard dick, then one way or another she will be disappointed. If she is insisting on no medication, then she doesn't get laid. Simple as that. If she balks/whines, you point out to her that you're doing what she wanted you to do, and you're respecting her stated wishes (and have a nice wank).

As for not giving your kids appropriate medical care, though, that's a "call a family counsellor" combined with "call your family doctor and ask for a consultation to discuss options." Your children are not able to make decisions for their care on your own and it's horrifying to me (a person where pediatric mental illness also runs in the family) that she point-blank refuses to give your kids appropriate care.
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Apr 19 slinky commented on Savage Love.
Bother-in-law was intentional. :)

I'd like to say Bother and Sibling's married name is the Bickersons, but sadly that's not the case.
Apr 18 slinky commented on Savage Love.
SHUTOUT, my bother-in-law is a racist, sexist homophobic dipshit who has been appallingly ugly to me as long as they have been married to my sibling.

I don't make any effort to communicate with them, my communication with my sibling is limited, and I send presents to their kids and maybe talk on the phone twice a year.

If your inlaws are horrible people who go out of their way to make your life miserable, they haven't earned respect or any of your time. Your husband can see them on his own, in limited doses, and you can point to all the very valid reasons that you're not going to waste another moment of your life on people who deliberately tried to break you up.
Apr 18 slinky commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Caught Between Her Man and His Hot Friend.
@ 32, "This doesn't really seem like he's trying to pressure or manipulate her."

This is why I say it doesn't matter what his intentions are. The end result is that LW is not happy with the situation. It doesn't matter what the timeline of events is...if LW isn't happy, it doesn't matter if these encounters took place over a period of 6 months or 6 days.

And I disagree with you about him not trying to manipulate her...because after she shut him down when he was masturbating in front of her, he asked her for the ride home and when they were alone together and she had no way out, he started talking up the BDSM sessions, AND when she shut him down again, he told her to not let her boyfriend know. Isolating her, escalating, and then trying to get her to keep what he said to her a secret IS manipulative. If she feels manipulated, she needs to trust her gut.
Apr 18 slinky commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Caught Between Her Man and His Hot Friend.
"Whether or not B. is acting with intentional malice,"

This is a key point. It does not matter if B is deliberately trying to sabotage LW/Boyfriend or if he's only thinking about his dick or if (as 12 suggests) he has a paraphilia. The end result is the same.

LavaGirl @16, that's why I suggested the script of, "Since that night things are kind of weird." It leaves their history alone, is true, and gives everyone a constructive way out (if we are hanging out with him it needs to be together).
Apr 17 slinky commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Caught Between Her Man and His Hot Friend.
Lots to unpack in here.

LW, I suggest that you back away from B as fast as you can for the time being.

Twice you and B were alone together, and he came on to you. The first time he was actually wanking, yes? You told him no and it made you uncomfortable. If that were all that happened, then yeah, maybe a bit tactless since friends-of-friends are off-limits in your relationship but not a deal-breaker.

But then he did it again. And when B propositioned sexytimes at you, he deliberately isolated you from B, came on to you again, and then when you told him no he begged you to not tell your boyfriend because it would hurt your partners. Not YOU (the person he cornered in the car), but your partners. If you're feeling preyed on, it's because at least on some level you were. B could have asked your Boyfriend to drive him home, or taken an uber, or what have you. He didn't, he asked you.

What raises red flags to me is how B has done this twice now, deliberately isolating you and not taking your no for a solid answer. By isolating and escalating again, he's treating your no as an opening point to negotiation. Another red flag is by trying to trap you into secrecy, meaning trying to use shame to keep you quiet.

You did nothing wrong here. You, personally, have not broken any boundaries or rules of your relationship. Being attracted to a person is not wrong, and being attracted to a friend of your boyfriend is not wrong. Do you need to tell your boyfriend what happened? Yes, you should. You can say, "Since that night where we all had fun, it's been a bit weird around B so if we're going to hang out I want it to be with you." Do you need to go into sordid details? Maybe. I think you should be prepared to, especially if B continues doing this. Once is something you can handwave away. Twice is heads up. Three times is a pattern. If B keeps hitting on you or isolate-and-escalate, definitely tell your boyfriend.

There is a risk of imploding Boyfriend and B's friendship. But you're not the one who is undermining it. You've followed the rules of your relationship. If B's behaviour leads to him and Boyfriend having a falling-out, you're not the one who started the implosion...he is.

TL;DR, time to pull back from B.
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Mar 29 slinky commented on Savage Love.
If LW1 wants to forgive and move on...then he has an important piece of information about his potential partner, meaning, if he wants something badly enough, potential partner will lie to get it. Whether it's tail or something else, that's something to be aware of.

"Wants something badly enough" could also translate to "is seriously ashamed or afraid of," and therefore potential partner lies and minimises and bends in circles around the truth (which I suspect is the case of the former boyfriend Ricardo @4 describes).

On a broader scale, not disclosing HIV status is *dumb,* not just for the potential partners, but for the HIV-infected people themselves. Herpes for an otherwise healthy person is not the world's best situation, but it's not life-threatening. Herpes for an immunocompromised person means the possibility of open sores, which can lead to other infections which are more serious. That obnoxious cold which has made an otherwise healthy person cranky and miserable can bring all world of nastiness down on an immunocompromised person. (This is equally true for any immunocompromised people...I have a friend with MS and I've cancelled on her due to possibly being exposed to a nasty strain of flu before. We were both disappointed but agreed it was the smart option.)

Anyway, LW1, if you decide to give this bloke another shot, get thee to your primary care provider, get tested, and get on Truvada.
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