Still Thinking
Urban PNW
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Figuring it out as I go. Generally like people, but also need my alone time.

May 17 Still Thinking commented on Is Spokane the Next Big Thing? Maybe..
I dunno - Spokane was the environment in which Rachel Dolezal throve. How's the Latino community doing? The Jewish and the Muslim communities?
May 17 Still Thinking commented on Welcome to Texas, Where Fewer Foster Homes Helps More Children and Protecting Kids Means Denying Them Life-Saving Vaccines.
#7 - property rights, def.

OK folks, I have been a foster parent in WA state, where I was required to have the child in my care, who I later adopted, go to the doctor for what DSHS deemed appropriate medical care, including vaccinations, regardless of my views on the matter. DSHS would have removed her from my care if I had refused to have her vaccinated.

DSHS was not the only decider; I had to get permission from both her birth parents, one of whom was incarcerated, for her to get a haircut. It seemed odd to me that a person can neglect or abuse a child so badly that the government takes the child away, and yet that person can veto a haircut.
May 17 Still Thinking commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Young Lovers Lie, Cheat, and Wonder Why Their Relationship Sucks.
@8 the same person who takes a pill abortion. I'm with #9 here, and guess the writer's first language is one in which the noun precedes its modifying adjective.
May 17 Still Thinking commented on Savage Love.
Hi Ricardo! Nice to see you back again.

Tldr! Re: LW #1 - There was a time when I could reach orgasm during PIV, mostly with some clitoral stimulation along the way, and generally within 10 seconds of my partner. I liked that a lot. Sometimes knowing my partner was about to come helped me over the cliff. Sometimes knowing he had already come allowed me to stop holding back. Sometimes I was just ready, and he followed up. Although I was also happy to orgasm in other ways, or not to orgasm at all, during sex, if I had to pick one way, that would be it. It almost never happens nowadays, and I miss it. Not enough to write in to Dan about it, but I do feel wistful. My current partner rarely comes from PIV, and I do miss that, too, but oral seems to work well for him.

However, I still get to orgasm pretty reliably during sex, and he does most of the time as well, so I don't feel in a position to complain. Similarly to Mrs. Clif, I sometimes experience the "needing to pee" sensation, as mentioned by other posters above. It can be very similar to feeling sexually aroused. It does cause me to hold back some, and I've toyed with the idea of suggesting to my current partner that we try the towels and see what happens. I think he'd be game. Hopefully Mr. & Mrs. Clif can give it a try. If it doesn't work, and the sensation is unpleasant, then maybe finding a sex-positive doctor would be a good idea.
May 17 Still Thinking commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Getting Off with a Selfish Top.
Nocute - I just wonder how someone can be in love, and not care about their partner's sexual satisfaction. It doesn't compute for me. I feel like such a person must be lying about something, to themself or to others, or both.
Apr 29 Still Thinking commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: His Wife Wants Him Hard But Hates the Boner Pills That Get Him Hard.
Dark Horse, I suspect that any woman who would shame other women for having C-sections (often enough a matter of life or death) would be unmoved by even the most impassioned testimony on the effects of ADHD - which she may not even believe is a real thing.

LW - I can testify from a woman's perspective that it can be very discouraging when the man you are having sex with doesn't get/loses his erection. It is easy to jump to the conclusion that he doesn't find you as sexually attractive as he used to do. I think a typical woman could worry about losing her appeal, or get mad that her man is losing his virility, or both, which makes sex a higher stakes proposition. Your wife seems both more judgy and more passive-aggressive than the typical woman, leading to the unpleasant situation you describe.

A variety of sexual activities appeal to me, and I can climax with or without piv, but I was pretty taken aback when my sweetie of a couple years standing began losing his erection during sex. He gently pointed out that I was not getting as wet as I used to, either, and that he was not taking me to task for that. I had not even considered these two things to be in the same realm. Not getting wet had nothing to do with whether I wanted him or not - at least 98% of the time, I said. The same was true for him and his dick, he responded. It has taken a few rounds of that conversation for me to relax and trust in our mutual attraction (supplemented by some nice silicon lube, patience, and variations in technique). We tried boner pills a couple of times, but so far prefer to go the lube/patience/variation route.

Your wife seems pretty stuck in her philosophy, though, and it's manifesting in a bunch of unhealthy ways - for you, for her and for the children. I think all the members of your family would benefit from some counseling and/or medical help.
Apr 28 Still Thinking commented on Savage Love.
He might need an open marriage like a fish needs a bicycle.
She might think she's an inter-tidal fish, and turn out to be a freshwater fish after all. Whether she turns out to be a fresh- or salt-water fish, or an inter-tidal fish, may not matter to the fish struggling to make the bicycle work.
OK, sorry for the mixed metaphors!
Apr 24 Still Thinking commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Reader Advice Round-up.
BiDanFan and Capricornius, thanks for an interesting conversation. I think I might be developing internet crushes on you!
Apr 18 Still Thinking commented on Savage Love.
SHUTOUT may be male, which might account for, but not excuse, some of the virulence of his in-laws

Even if the in-laws can get their behavior under control and practice good manners now, SHUTOUT and his/her hubby having kids may ratchet up the tension even more. As a parent, sometimes you feel that you can put up with stuff you'd eschew as a single person for your kids' sake. Other times, you decide you don't want to expose your kids to toxicity.

I would recommend, rather than prescribing a certain level of contact or number of visits, that SHUTOUT and hubby say "This year we would like to spend time with you on these occasions: X, Y, and Z. We would appreciate this kind of behavior on your part: A, B, and C. In return, we will do P, D, and Q. If this year goes well, we might have more visits next year. If not, we may have fewer." They can always cancel visits, or add more, depending on what happens. But it could relieve some of the stress to be able to think "OK, one down, we survived this one OK, two to go."