Still Thinking
Urban PNW
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Figuring it out as I go. Generally like people, but also need my alone time.

4:36 AM yesterday Still Thinking commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Reader Advice Round-up.
BiDanFan and Capricornius, thanks for an interesting conversation. I think I might be developing internet crushes on you!
Apr 18 Still Thinking commented on Savage Love.
SHUTOUT may be male, which might account for, but not excuse, some of the virulence of his in-laws

Even if the in-laws can get their behavior under control and practice good manners now, SHUTOUT and his/her hubby having kids may ratchet up the tension even more. As a parent, sometimes you feel that you can put up with stuff you'd eschew as a single person for your kids' sake. Other times, you decide you don't want to expose your kids to toxicity.

I would recommend, rather than prescribing a certain level of contact or number of visits, that SHUTOUT and hubby say "This year we would like to spend time with you on these occasions: X, Y, and Z. We would appreciate this kind of behavior on your part: A, B, and C. In return, we will do P, D, and Q. If this year goes well, we might have more visits next year. If not, we may have fewer." They can always cancel visits, or add more, depending on what happens. But it could relieve some of the stress to be able to think "OK, one down, we survived this one OK, two to go."
Apr 11 Still Thinking commented on Savage Love.
Where are 21-year-olds getting the money for diamond bracelets? How can you be 20 and appear to have never heard bisexuality is a thing, and that a person need not be either straight or lesbian/gay? Perplexed, inquiring older minds want to know.
Apr 4 Still Thinking commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: She Needs Help! NOW!.
LW-NOW, you don't sound lucky to me - you sound distressed, humiliated, insecure and desperate. Or maybe I'm reading a lot into "how lucky I am to have him in my life, any way I can have him."
Apr 4 Still Thinking commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Blow, Blowing, Blown.
Thanks for the giggles #11 CMD and #20 EmmaLiz.

In my own case, I think I'd say I gave a blowjob if the recipient comes because of the action of my mouth (with or without my hands as the supporting cast members) on his penis, regardless of the length of time spent. I think this is because I always assumed "blow" meant come, and however enjoyable I find giving oral to be, it still requires a level of focus, sensitivity, and energy consistent with the word "job."

If I do my best, but the recipient doesn't come, then I'd probably say I went down on him, or sucked his dick.

And for the record, although giving a woman oral doesn't carry the same risk of choking or gagging that going down on a man does, I have found it to require a comparable level of focus, sensitivity and energy. If I give a woman oral sex, I would call it going down, whether or not she comes.
Apr 4 Still Thinking commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: After 15 Years, Her Husband Still Looks Like A Child & She's Not Into It.
Good Grief, IAHD, it sounds like you've had a tough time, but it also sounds like you're taking it out on your husband. I met a new dude when I was 45 - you can certainly do it at 34. Or better yet, at 35, after you've done at least a year's worth of quality work on yourself with the help of a therapist, spiritual leader, or whomever. Let your hubby go.
Apr 4 Still Thinking commented on Savage Love.
AIG = humblebrag #2. "Alas, it would be in poor taste for me to flaunt My poly lifestyle in the person of My girlfriend in front of My housekeeper. What shall I do?" = First World problem. The housekeeper 1) probably already knows, 2) is not surprised that rich dude has a girlfriend on the side, 3) likely wants to get her job done and be on her way with a minimum of fuss. Honestly.
Mar 28 Still Thinking commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: She Needs Help! NOW!.
Hi LW @57, and thanks for adding some important background info.
I am concerned that the online pics are something your boyfriend will be able to hold over your head to ensure he has the moral "high ground" in your relationship, so he can pressure you to make decisions his way. Either he has to get over it, or move on. You can't keep beating yourself up about them, either.
Mar 27 Still Thinking commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: She Needs Help! NOW!.
DonnyK - you are fortunate to have a combination of luck and good judgement. People who are not so blessed may write in for advice. At this point, this guy is clearly not a great guy, but I wonder at what point LW began to feel things were going south. When the stakes are high, people sometimes willfully blind themselves to the implications of their SO's behavior.

Also, consider the effect on children of learning their parent has been meeting up with someone the parent has come to care about significantly, and the kid(s) have been in the dark the whole time. Some kids might take that in stride; others may feel betrayed.

I myself dated for 6 months without my child's knowledge - it significantly reduced my already very limited opportunities to meet people, but that was the choice I made. I did not tell my child about my guy until 4 months in, and they didn't meet until 6 months in; I met his kids 7 months in. My child was definitely disconcerted to learn I had been dating for so long. And though we've been dating for over 3 years now, there are no guarantees.

NoCute @44 - thanks for the story. You point out that even when you do due diligence, people can have a change of heart. And you restate the obvious - it is difficult to determine when the balance has tipped in favor of introducing a boy/girlfriend to your children.