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Still Thinking
Urban PNW
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Figuring it out as I go. Generally like people, but also need my alone time.

Aug 26 Still Thinking commented on Savage Love.
What is it about the asparagus?
Aug 24 Still Thinking commented on Savage Love.
Mr. Ven - do you know about this game (describd by a friend of a FB friend of mine)?

The Professor of English was astounded I was off to spend my evening playing a game called 'Marrying Mr Darcy'. 'With women...and gay men?'
'Umn, not gay to my knowledge.'
What transpired was a quite difficult strategy card game, in which the winner (male) thoroughly enjoyed role-playing Caroline Bingley as Queen Bitch, and annoyingly won: snapped up Mr Darcy!
I was Mary Bennett and narrowly avoided eloping with Wickham. Even funnier, Lydia nearly got hitched to Mr Collins.
All we needed were fans and cucumber sandwiches. However deconstructed banoffy pie (had no time to make the pastry) was an acceptable accompaniment.
My conclusion: that getting married in the Austen era probably was a quite difficult strategy game.
Aug 11 Still Thinking commented on Savage Love.
And since I'm already on oral, so to speak - I know the received wisdom is that oral comes standard, but I think it can be an acquired taste for some. I certainly remember working my way up to it with partners of both genders, and being motivated to try harder when on the giving end by the fact I liked being on the receiving end so much. If Domme's husband likes getting it, then he needs to learn to give it. If he can't learn to like it, then he needs to step up to giving her pleasure in some other ways.

The "right way" to masturbate, and the relationship between masturbating and sex with a partner - wow! The idea that there is one "right way" to masturbate makes me want to run screaming from the virtual room. OTOH, the experience of masturbating almost exclusively face down from the age of 9 (!) continues to affect my preferred partnered sex positions, and I would like to be able to come more easily in a wider variety of positions. In fact, maybe I'll go work on that a bit now!
Aug 11 Still Thinking commented on Savage Love.
Wow - come back after a few days away, and SLOG has covered a lot of ground!
Alison Cummins and nocutename - I appreciate your thoughtful and articulate posts.

I should perhaps start by saying I identify as a feminist, and have since coming of age in the early 80's. By feminist, I mean someone who believes women, and men, should not be limited by their gender in their personal or professional lives. Feminism had, has, and will have its share of problems - both internally, and wrt its public image. On the other hand, I am shocked and dismayed by the recent backwards stampede in areas I naively thought secure, such as access to contraception - brought to you by the unremitting efforts of ... feminists! So I think we still need feminism.

Hair - ummmm. I think women, and men, should be able to do what they want with their hair. I also think awareness of the cultural history and "meaning" of hairiness or lack of hair doesn't hurt. Personally, I compromise in some areas - like shaving my legs in spring and summer when I expose more leg, and not shaving in fall and winter, because shaving is a drag. I don't shave my luxuriant pubic hair - I rather like it. I'm willing to hold it out of the way for, umm, easier access to the juicy bits. And I don't mind a pubic hair or two in my mouth - I can usually work it forward while licking the juicy bits and grab it with my fingers or lick it off onto another body part. I've only been to bed with one person who shaved pubic hair - a woman - and I found it somewhat off-putting (not to mention dealing with razor burn and 5 o'clock shadow).

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Aug 5 Still Thinking commented on Savage Love.
Wifely duties = rapey sex and no oral??? Ouch!
Penis in between a mattress and box spring??? Ouch!
Thanks for making me feel very, very lucky, Dan.
Jul 31 Still Thinking commented on Savage Love.
My risque and sexually adventurous younger self is tickled pink to discover that my current self is quaint by Slog standards. Granted, at the time of my return to the fray, I had not dated in 16 years. To complicate matters, I didn't know what I really wanted, and started out with pretty broad parameters. Still, it took me until the fifth (!) date to open up (so to speak). And even then, it was more an act of faith than a calculated move.
Jul 30 Still Thinking commented on Savage Love.
If all SHOP wants is sex, and he's looking for women who also just want sex, why is he concerned about "offending" potential partners with his unavailability?

It sounds like his real problem is that he gets off on sex with women more strongly attached to him than he is (or will be) to them. First, he has to "hook" them by pretending to be something he's not. Then he can deliver the dose of reality that either 1) puts them at an emotional disadvantage if they want the relationship to progress, or 2) causes them to decamp if they are pissed at his deceit or realize that he's not a good fit. Either way, he called the shots.

My guess is that too many women have been decamping lately, and he's feeling, umm, deflated. He wants his mojo back, and is looking to Dan for help.

Pookie.

Jul 23 Still Thinking commented on Savage Love.
@ Alison #13 - youth pastor ftw! Hahaha ;)
@ seandr #41 - aaaargh! the socks! Where did you find that picture?
Jul 9 Still Thinking commented on Savage Love.
re: SCARED - I have to admit that a couple decades ago I read a boyfriend's journal - he left it lying on our dining room table. From it I learned that he had been cheating on me and that he was really still in love with a previous girlfriend (not the one he was cheating on me with, though). That knowledge did a lot to reduce my feelings of guilt over reading his private journal. The relationship was already on the rocks, and the Journal Contretemps was just another wave that helped pound it to pieces.

re: NSFW - as someone who is getting back in the swing of blowjobs after a 5 year hiatus, I appreciate the pro tips (so to speak) from Dan and other commenters.
Jun 14 Still Thinking commented on Savage Love.
Tim - I don't know how demanding a job you and your wife have, or how much both of you participate in the smooth running of your household. From the perspective of a single working parent with an energetic, high maintenance kindergartener, I know how much energy goes into simply keeping my kid fed, bathed, schooled and entertained, never mind the house somewhat cleaned, laundry not too far behind, car maintained before the display won't show me anything but OIL CHANGE, etc. You and your wife are likely feeling tapped out 95% of the time. It is hard to feel sexy when you are physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted.
But ... the 8 year old is old enough to entertain the 4 year old for an hour or two on a weekend morning. Playdates for both kids can be arranged to happen at the same time, so you can have time alone in your own home. Start slow, nice and easy. Getting away can be hard to arrange in practice, but do it if you can.

As for the mythical 40+ woman craving sex - at closer to 50 than 45, I can personally attest to being, not necessarily more interested in sex, nor having better technique, but certainly being much less inhibited and more joyful about it (now that I'm getting some after a 4 year dry spell) than I was in my 20's. Granted, having a new partner after 12 years of marriage followed 4 years of celibacy is a major factor. But even in the depths of grief and dissociation at the end of my marriage, we were still having sex at least weekly.

Shout out to Sissou Cat and Ovid - that's some Latin I never got to translate in high school!! I did get a bit of racy Catullus in college ...

And as for the orientation shift discussed above, I have friends and acquaintances who appear to have shifted along the Kinsey scale at various phases of their lives, seemingly without provocation. I have slid back and forth along the scale myself in the past. I think sexuality is just more fluid for some people than others.

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