Still Thinking
Urban PNW
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Figuring it out as I go. Generally like people, but also need my alone time.

1:16 AM yesterday Still Thinking commented on Savage Love.
LW1 - partner of the Fiddler - could be male, rather than female, as most commenters assume. The genders of the roommates are also undetermined. If all are male, would that affect the public fiddling dynamic - make it less awkward than a mixed-gender scenario? I still think fiddling is, at best, Not Good Manners, regardless.

LW2 - those who go by the book say "they made an agreement --> she has to put out." What smells funky to me is that it's not a "sex act A for sex act B" agreement. It's a "sex act A for basic hygiene" agreement. And it seems to be in the context of an "average" marriage, as opposed to a kink-dominated or sm relationship, in which that kind of imbalance might be part of the deal. I agree with those who think there's more to this problem than meets the eye.

LW4 - in my experience, cis women have a very wide range of sexual response, from anorgasmia to the ability to have multiple orgasms. Three months is not very long to be dating - give your (plural) processes time to evolve.

LW5 - it sounds like your girlfriend gets off from pressure on her clit that she controls (I'm assuming here that she's on top). Have you tried letting her rub her vulva on your penis without the boxers, without penetration, and with some lube? It may be that up til now, naked rubbing has lead to penetration before she gets to orgasm, whereas rubbing on your shorts gives her the amount of stimulation she needs, because there won't be penetration. You could let her guide you in after she comes.

LW6 - There's no way I could squeeze constantly during either vaginal or anal sex. Does anyone do that? Anyone?

LW7 - twins, suuuure.
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Nov 15 Still Thinking commented on Savage Love.
On the one hand, deportation will most likely be stepped up under a Trump/Pence administration. On the other hand, have they given any thought to how difficult, and expensive, it will be to deport EVERYONE they think they want to deport? Particularly using the smaller government they claim to espouse? I think the sheer logistics of actually governing, as opposed to blathering to the camera, will probably keep them occupied for some time. Even with their incredibly narrow definition of governing.

So unless KHH's boyfriend is already under government watch for something, I think KHH needs to stop hyperventilating, and proceed calmly (if reasonably swiftly) with his wedding plans. I say this as the former spouse of an undocumented immigrant who, although a hard worker, certainly did not contribute hundreds of thousands of dollars to, or create jobs for, the US economy.
Nov 8 Still Thinking commented on Savage Love Letters of the Day: What's In a Name?.
@34 Kuda - actually, you heard her call him by his secret pet name :)

Bad bad dynamic here between mom and dad - that's gonna cause young Mercutio more trouble than his name. Forsooth, take a page from Juliet's book - "...a rose by any other name would smell as sweet."
Nov 7 Still Thinking commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Husband-To-Be's Porn Use Causes Ex-Christian Bride To Despair.
Facials? No thanks. Cum on my face? Happens all the time, because blow jobs are messy. (To be fair, so is cunnilingus).
No opportunities for interaction during doggie style? I beg to differ!
Nov 4 Still Thinking commented on Savage Love.
#68 CMD - hilarious scenario!
Nov 4 Still Thinking commented on Savage Love.
DCP @ 36, fine if they're into it.
The point I'm making is that there are a lot of men who humiliate their partners who are definitely not into it, but put up with it because they can't afford to leave, don't want to inflict whatever whatever on the kids, don't think they deserve any better, etc. See: rape & domestic violence stats.
Nov 4 Still Thinking commented on I'm Quitting Twitter Until November 9.
#21 Venom and #26 Commentor - A bar of soap might be irritating enough that you might only want to use it once. Specially if it's that manly soap.
Nov 4 Still Thinking commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: WOES Gets It, JABBER Doesn't Get It (But Doesn't Mind).
Jabber needs to re-balance his priorities a bit. That much focus on a kid is unhealthy for everyone.

I don't buy the "we simply don't have time for it" argument. As Chi Type said at #15 - a 14-year-old MUST have a social life that would sometimes take her out of the house. It doesn't have to cost anything for her to hang out with friends, so if in spite of all the traveling and weird work hours, they don't have the money for kid to go on a weekend camping trip, or something like that, sleeping over at a friend's house is still free. Shoot, my 9-year-old has a social life that sometimes takes her out of the house, and that is as it should be!

Granted, I don't get as much sex as I would like because I sometimes prioritize sleeping in, or doing laundry, or grocery shopping further afield than usual. Sometimes one or the other of us is sick, or exhausted. Sometimes my partner & I prioritize talking, or cuddling, or work-related stuff. Sometimes we prioritize taking the kids to do something fun. But we make sure to get some sexy times in, even if it means the kids have to put together their own breakfast and watch a movie on a weekend morning. And it's healthy, I think, for the kids to know that we need our private adult time. It sets up more realistic attitudes/understanding/expectations for their futures.
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Nov 4 Still Thinking commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Husband-To-Be's Porn Use Causes Ex-Christian Bride To Despair.
A while back, I asked women the following question in the comments thread: How many of you imagine other things while having sex with your partner? The vast majority said they sometimes did. But about three women said they are so focused on their partner and on what they are doing, that there wasn't room in their heads for anything else. Maybe LW is like those three.

I myself sometimes imagine other things during sex, and my partner has also copped to an active mind movie involving other people besides me. Imagining it doesn't mean I want it to happen. It's just a boost, the way lube can be a boost if you're a bit too dry, or taking a break can be a boost if you're a bit too raw.

Some people may want or need a sexual imagination boost, and get it from porn - ethical or otherwise. I've seen a modest amount, mainly because it usually doesn't look like the woman is having a good time. I'm too lazy to search out porn that really fits my tastes, if it's even out there - I don't need or want it enough. Maybe amateur stuff? I'd rather put the time into actually doing something with my sweetie.

I definitely think LW and fiance should postpone the wedding until (or if) they can work this problem out to their mutual satisfaction.
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Nov 2 Still Thinking commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: His Woes Are Similar to WOES Woes.
Giving oral sex to a man or a woman = way more work than receiving PIV. Ditto for hand job.

Giving head is about the constant motion, trying to avoid the gag reflex, paying attention to your partner's responses and adjusting, thinking ahead a bit so you can change up your technique, etc. etc. PIV can just involve lying on your back or stomach, being lubricated, and making encouraging noises & hip thrusts. It can also involve more ;)