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Jun 28, 2016 Luluisme commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Old Dirty Pics Piss Off Sex-Starved Spouse.
@29 Brilliant reframing
@32 and @36 - really helpful perspective

Definitely, there's a lot of anger and grief going on with the letter writer. Agree: counseling, grief/anger management, support groups for care-givers: all of this could use attending.

Someone earlier in the comments thread, I've lost who, mentioned needing to come up with new ways for intimacy that wasn't all about sex. This made me think of an earlier SLLOTD, I think the topic was post-pregnancy recovery and its effects on sex life, and a commenter there had some really helpful ideas for non-sex focused intimacy. It had to do with finding some way to be kind or sweet to each other every day, without the end goal of sex as part of that. Since your mileage will vary based on the illness in question, these suggestions may have no specific relevance, but think things like showering together, holding hands, sending silly IMs. Just, ya know, look for ways to be kind to your partner and also to yourself. And it doesn't have to be every day. That might be overwhelming to think of it in those terms. Good luck.
Apr 5, 2016 Luluisme commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day:.
fwiw, the people saying noone is going to do oral w/ a condom can only speak for themselves. My husband and I use condoms for oral with other people unless we are in dedicated relationships where we can request/expect a certain amount of regular STD testing. That being said, we mostly screw around with people we know. So, I second Dan's point about friends. Also, whoever pointed out mutual masturbation, that can be a nice low-risk easy first activity with a new partner.

As for where, if your existing friends aren't likely to be interesting or interested, maybe check out polymatchmaker or okcupid instead of grindr/craiglist, and IRL I'd familiarize yourself with local social groups that push social boundaries a bit (ie, are used to people telling them what their relationship rules are). Examples that would happen to work for me in my city: kink scene, SCA, drag king community, bi activist community. YMMV, but go meet some new people is always a good start when you're striking out. Good luck!
Mar 28, 2016 Luluisme commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: The Terminator.
@6, spokane, that donut in your icon looks amazing
Mar 21, 2016 Luluisme commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Mated and Checkmated.
Ugh. Yeah, I'm sorry FSA, but things have gone awry. You're not crazy. Just remember you get to decide who you live with, do business with, and have a family with. This guy does not seem like someone even to do the former with. As for the latter, seems painful but doable (much of pregnancy falls under that category though.) Maybe document this situation carefully in case you end up needing a lawyer. Good luck.
Feb 16, 2016 Luluisme commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: The Ex Files.
I second @4 and @5. She might just be feeling a lot of emotions. JEB, don't follow up, but if she reaches out to you again, you could be appreciative that she kept you informed (if you haven't done so already and I guess feel that way), and gently express you don't feel you can be a good support person in this situation and ask if she has girlfriends or a therapist to unpack this with. Basically, state your boundary, but try to be nice about it. Pregnancy hormones are no joke. They will make things just feel worse than you would have thought before you had them. Not on pregnancy hormones *stubs toe*: ow! Grumble. On pregnancy hormones *stubs toe*: aaagh, god why am I weeping it doesn't even hurt that bad fml *cries for five minutes*
Dec 31, 2015 Luluisme commented on Savage Love.
Re coping with jealousy:
Fwiw, i'd recommend accepting that you're going to feel how you feel. If that includes jealousy, is OK. What's important is how you treat your partner. Figure out ahead of time what behaviors are acceptable reactions and focus on doing those things. These can include things to do when you're alone and jealous (ex: a list of distracting activities, maybe things you only do when you're alone anyway), and things to do when you're around your partner and jealous (guidelines on the best way to express discomfort to your partner). Once you've got coping strategies in place that you can depend on it gets easier. Good luck!
Dec 11, 2015 Luluisme commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: My Fuckbuddy, My Cousin.
@14 well done!
Nov 7, 2015 Luluisme commented on Savage Love.
@56 That sounds like great advice. My husband and I have a new baby - between the exhaustion for both of us, my libido taking a dive during pregnancy, and my ladyparts still feeling weird post delivery, we haven't been really making time for sex. I do miss the intimacy.

@auntie grizelda - re hormonal birth control, add me to the list of those that suffered ill effects from prolonged exposure. I got off it 5 years ago and I haven't felt inclined to risk it again. Actually, my post labor weirdness bears a striking resemblence to BC weirdness. Although worse in terms of discomfort. But better in terms of low libido means I don't care as much. Or maybe thats actually worse? Babies! Barely coherent! Woo!
Jul 25, 2015 Luluisme commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Gone Camping.
eh... this is one of the reasons I think the whole "veto rule" thing is such a minefield for new people trying out open relationships. There they are happily depending on their perceived power to end anything that makes them uncomfortable, and then the moment they get uncomfortable their actual power over the situation (not much) is put into extremely strong and unpleasant relief. Basically, you've put the person who's least uncomfortable (the one having a good time) in the position of having to do the hard thing (pull the plug on the good time and/or be an ass to the person they've been spending time with). And then everyone is surprised and upset when it doesn't work out very well. fwiw, for those contemplating jumping into open relationships, I don't recommend thinking you can veto someone. Either you're in or out. If you can't be comfortable with your partner fucking someone else, just ya know, stick with monogamy. Rules are fine, but coping strategies are better. Choose things to do that will support you when things are hard, not make things harder. Ricardo's rules seem reasonable. A variation I like on the sleeping arrangements is "give me 24 hours warning if you're not sleeping at home". I also like to differentiate between hard and soft rules. Dealbreakers vs preferences. This thing over here will end our relationship. This thing over there might make me sad and we'll have to talk about it.

Related: this whole thumbs-up/thumbs-down non-verbal cue thing CETI and bf have somehow pre-arranged they're allowed to do to/at each other and the other person? I'm not sure I can adequately express how utterly revolting I find that practice. I am hoping a certain amount of discretion is engaged here, but I'm guessing the third will notice some of the time. What an awful thing to do to someone.
Jun 10, 2015 Luluisme commented on Savage Love.
@26 - re "assigned" - At least some of the (many) situations this terminology is expected to cover are, in fact, somewhat arbitrary: intersex babies whose drs/parents chose surgical routes to conform their bodies to a particular gender, is one example. I would think there is also a sense of "I didn't choose this" going on that the term accurately reflects. fwiw.