report this user
Mar 18, 2016 kallibean commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: The Longest Read.
Dude twists it all around to make his issues all the LWs fault. No wonder she's doubting herself, her friends and her therapist. LW, you got out and you know it's a good thing. The only thing you can do to make your next relationship easier is to trust yourself. So, if the next dude is telling you you're something you're not because he wants to control you, you'll be more confident in saying 'this is not what I want' and getting out before the damage is done. FTR, not being comfortable with things that break your boundaries doesn't make for a jealousy issue, and perhaps staying in the therapy that this dude forced you into is not the best thing.
Jul 25, 2014 kallibean commented on Savage Love.
@LW2, there are a lot of people saying to let HR know that you know this guy socially 'to cover yourself'. Please, please, please tread carefully if you do this. What you say to HR is quite likely to be heard as 'I don't think I can be fair dealing with someone I have spoken to outside of work' and it's likely to blow back on you, when it comes to a performance review or you are going for a promotion or pay rise. I don't know what your field is, but if it's one with lots of networking events or a small pool of qualified people, you will end up working with someone else you knew before you worked with them, with or without sex coming into the question. If you've already expressed concern about your ability to do so, then it will work against you if you're still there and it happens. So please, to protect your job above all else, be super careful if you take that route. Even 'Hey, I gave this guy some career advice a couple of years back, are you okay for me to supervise him because I'm good with it, but I wanted to be sure that you were too.' could be used against you, because why would you even need to ask? Many people wouldn't even remember doing that after so long.
Jul 23, 2014 kallibean commented on Savage Love.
NSA, please be aware that pulling this guy aside and acknowledging your past and etc., as Dan suggests could be just as awkward as in your imagination. Plus, it might give rise to a sexual harassment claim. The best thing to do, from an IR perspective, is just to pretend it didn't happen and keep it professional in the workplace. In a lot of small fields you find professional/social crossover, just because they're the only people you see, so you're not alone. Since he seems to be a professional, fairly confident and adept person, you could even take your cue from him. We can't comment too much more without a look at your workplace social policy, but face it - if he can deal and accepts the position, you can deal and keep work as work and outside as outside. As soon as you cross them over, even just to say you won't cross them over, you can't go back, and it just gets messier.
Aug 7, 2013 kallibean joined My Stranger Face
Aug 7, 2013 kallibean commented on Savage Love.
Sounds to me like #1 is dealing with a lot. Instead of the discussion being about whether this guy is appropriate for the younger brother or whether the LW did the right thing as a parent, perhaps the question, or part of it, should be 'what role does the LW want to have in his brother's life?'

He's an older brother, so he's already in a position where he's able to give advice, be a sounding board. Does he really need to be a parent as well? Maybe the LW needs to approach his brother and say something like 'okay, you're not responding to me, we're not talking anymore, what's happened, what do you need from me?' and they decide what kind of relationship they have. The death of a parent does not mean someone else has to step in as a parent, or that that will be accepted. Maybe what's happened here is the the younger brother is reacting to the LW's sudden use of authority, and adjusting his behaviour accordingly. Maybe he feels like he's lost his older brother, whom he's spent his entire life looking up to or being compared against, as well as his parents. Of course that's going to make him vulnerable, whether the boyfriend is a predator/immature/bad match or not.

In short: LW, fix your relationship with your brother first, then worry about who he's dating.