ECarpenter
Dallas, TX
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Jul 5 ECarpenter commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Taking a Break, Breaking a Heart, Casting a Ballot.
In my early twenties I got into a relationship with another guy who was 30. He was very different from me, and had lots of qualities I admired. And he dumped me after six months because I got too possessive, too needy, and was just not ready to pull my own weight in a serious relationship.

Well, he was right about my failings. I was devastated at first, of course, but over the next couple of years I managed to absorb what I'd learned from him on how to approach the world, and ended up a way better person - I managed to get rid of the jealousy and possessiveness, among other things, and I'll always be grateful for what I got out of that relationship.

So - whatever happens, like Dan says, you've learned more about being a better person - and that progress can continue. Treating her civilly at this point will bring you some personal benefit in the future, too - you don't want to be 30 looking back and thinking "what an asshole I was".
Jul 4 ECarpenter commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Man 4 Woman Annoyed @ Men 4 Men.
Years ago, a friend's favorite cruising spot was a nearby straight biker bar. He'd go in close to closing, and would often end up going home with a "straight" hot guy for sex.

Women's sexuality does seem to be different from men's sexuality, and I don't think that would have happened if the sexes were reversed, but a LOT of men are open to sex with other men even if they identify as "straight".

So yes, it's frustrating if most of the people responding to your ad don't fit it - but there are enough men around who's requirements sometimes get very flexible to ensure that it will continue.
Jun 30 ECarpenter commented on Savage Love.
@ FAITHFUL - When I've been in an open relationship I've definitely been glad my partner is having a good time out there, I've had good times with other men too, and I've been comfortable with it. But I do NOT want to know any of the details, and I don't want him coming home and burbling about how wonderful some other man was in bed.

This is not "dishonesty" or "keeping secrets from each other" or any of those armchair psychology buzzwords. It's respecting the separation between our relationship and whatever other relationships he's having (or I'm having) elsewhere. For me, that's what I need for my own peace of mind.

So no, don't discuss your exploits with your husband unless at some point he (unprompted) says that he has changed, and now wants to know details. He's made it clear he does not want to know for now, and you need to respect that.
Jun 29 ECarpenter commented on Gay Man Takes to Reddit to Complain About Pride.
I'm an old gay man now, and I remember quite clearly those of my contemporaries when I was young who called old gay men "trolls" and treated them with active contempt. And of course, as we all got older, more and more of those same men complained about being invisible, being rejected by pretty muscle boys, being devalued, and treated like - trolls. It warmed my heart, I admit.

So many men have absolutely no sense of irony when it comes to themselves.
Jun 25 ECarpenter commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Degraded And It Feels So Bad (Right After It Feels So Good).
@4 maybe one of his dates kissed him afterwards, or stroked his leg, or something like that - some straight-identified men have extremely narrow definitions of what constitutes sexual activity, and are freaked out by normal casual physicalness during sex with other men.
Jun 25 ECarpenter commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Degraded And It Feels So Bad (Right After It Feels So Good).
Is your therapist an openly kink-aware and kink-friendly therapist? If they aren't, you should probably find one and switch. Some therapists who are anti-kink hide their own beliefs about it, and act on those anti-kink beliefs to lead you in directions which will cause you much more trouble.
Jun 23 ECarpenter commented on Savage Love.
I had a friend years ago who had a massive cock and went by the nickname "Vlad", after Vlad the Impaler. His friends in high school had called him that, and it stuck.

Decades later, everyone (his minister, his co-workers, his wife) called him Vlad, and, I suspect, got quiet enjoyment out of it.
Jun 17 ECarpenter commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Weeded Out.
Was he shooting heroin or meth in secret? Snorting coke? No, he was smoking weed and doing it in a way that didn't affect anything except his own mental comfort.

It sounds to me like he's quite possibly still self-medicating a bit, and it's doing him good. From my own past experience with anti-depressive drugs, pot is good for muting some of the jittery and weird side effects. Which he may not want to complain to you about - we don't know the dynamics between the two of you around his depression and the prescription drugs and all. The weed may be a big contributor to his success with the anti-depressants.
Why not go with Dan's suggestion that he make the one time declaration that sometimes he smokes weed, and you accept that as good enough? There's no need to "confess" every instance to you, or even discuss why he likes it - if he liked PBJ sandwiches, would you want him to tell you every time he had one, because your parents had eating issues? This sounds about that serious.
Jun 15 ECarpenter commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Get Out There and Fight.
Sorry, I hit a shortcut I didn't know was there!

Responding to being attacked is normal. But then saying "fuck it" and going out to a mall wearing a flagrantly gay t-shirt, or doing some other publicly gay thing (as long as you are not in Iraq or Pakistan or some other much more perilous place) can exorcise that internal cringing.

You might get harassed, but probably not. You're much more likely to get positive responses from people you wouldn't expect them from. And no matter what the external response, you have done something brave when you didn't feel very brave, and that is good for you, and helps you keep moving forward.
Jun 15 ECarpenter commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Get Out There and Fight.
Of course we react to attacks on us. Of course we do. You may feel more fearful around strangers, or less comfortable at work, or whatever. That'