ECarpenter
Dallas, TX
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Nov 24 ECarpenter commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Let's Give Thanks for Threesomes!.
With the all the depravity in the bible (Yaweh murdering Job's family on a bet, Lot offering his daughters as victims to rapists, Paul telling slaves it's a sin to disobey their owners, etc. etc. etc. ) it always amazes me that Christians think the bible is all ok and moral, but grownups treating each other well and giving each other pleasure is not.

Poor Bob is confusing depravity with being a well rounded adult human - he probably undresses and has sex in the dark and thinks orgasms are wicked if you enjoy them. Which I think is totally depraved.
Oct 22 ECarpenter commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Guys Keep Putting Him In "The Bottom Zone".
Keep in mind that topping is a combination of eliciting consent from your bottoming partner and then consuming that consent. Assertiveness is not being aggressive, and forcefulness is not being violent - both assertiveness and forcefulness work with consenting partners, and don't go over the partner's limits (although they sometimes move the limits towards more intensity).

With this guy - next time you have sex, tell him to top you as if he were his own fantasy of a perfect top, the kind of man he most wants to bottom for. Tell him to just go for it, no holding back, and see what he does - and go along enthusiastically with whatever happens unless it's physically dangerous. For you, this is essential research.

And then think about it, and see how what he did is different from how you are as a top, and think about what it would be like to work that technique/attitude/whatever into your own topping repertory - would it work for you?

Also if, as you say, you love butts, think about expanding your relationship with butts (maybe his, maybe the next guy's). Some men aren't as easily butt-satisfied as others, and getting dick fucked isn't as pleasurable as it is for other men. Well, that's why you've got hands! I've known several short, slender, non-macho men who loved butts, loved topping, and were in great demand as fisting tops and romantic interests. The dynamic in that world greatly favors creative, intense tops, and is not so stereotype-bound.

Before rejecting this thought out of hand, keep in mind - whatever you imagine fisting to be like, it's not like that. Just like no one can accurately imagine the taste of lobster who's never eaten one, no one can accurately imagine either side of fisting who's never done it. It can be intensely wonderful on both sides.

Good luck with this guy, and good luck going forward.
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Oct 15 ECarpenter commented on Savage Love.
Whenever a man says he's some number of "years young", big red flags should go up. Those guys have weird and unreal attitudes and beliefs about themselves and other people's ages. And are rarely datable or fuckable without angst and drama, unless you are a young person who's turned on by old people with major age issues.
Oct 6 ECarpenter commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Minor Inconvenience.
@6 Yes, this is an ancient scam, with several common twists. "Daughter and Dad" and "Wife and Husband" are the most common pairings, with money or marriage or national secrets as the perpetrator's desired payoff.

My favorite instance of it in pop culture is the song "It's a scandal, It's an outrage" from the musical Oklahoma.
Oct 4 ECarpenter commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: A Counterpoint to Last Week's Tweet Storm of Advice for Straight Men.
From what I've seen over the years, NICE is describing a very real phenomenon.

It's not true of all women, of course, and it's more common in young women than older women, I think (I've known several older reformed jerk-lovers) but I've seen quite a few women put up with bullying and misogyny and being ripped off one way or another by aggressive jerks, sometimes for years.

And I've known nice straight and bi men who I thought were attractive and good romance material who had a lot of trouble finding a woman who'd take them seriously.

As a gay man I'm looking at this stuff from the outside, so perhaps I'm missing some nuances - but perhaps I'm also seeing patterns that may be harder to see when you're in the middle of them.
Sep 29 ECarpenter commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Too Good To Be True.
@18 Yes, therapists are a very mixed and odd bunch. I've met a lot of them socially who I'd never trust as a client. But I've met a small number who seemed to be both sane themselves and good at helping clients resolve problems. It's really hard to find a good therapist.
Sep 21 ECarpenter commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Daddy Issues.
@25 - you never did answer the question "when did you decide to be straight?". That was asked quite a way back in this thread.

Is it because you never had to decide, because you were born straight? Or maybe you're a Bi person, and did decide to ignore your gay side? Or you're asexual and asocial and never had any interest in sex or romance anyway? Do let us know, we're curious, if you have any honesty in you at all.
Sep 20 ECarpenter commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Daddy Issues.
You're attracted to men you're ashamed to be seen with - and that's pretty fucked up for you. If you can't find your way on your own to understanding that it's much more rewarding to get into a relationship with someone you enjoy, who's fun, and who turns you on than someone who's not like that, I'd say find a good gay-friendly therapist and go to work with them.

A good therapist can help you find your way to enjoying who you are instead of being repelled by who you are.

But - be cautious in picking a therapist, and verify ahead of time with other people that they're good with gay issues. A lot of therapists have their own hangups about gay relationships and about relationships between people of different ages, and they can do much more harm than good. Avoid any therapist who starts to make you feel worse about who you are - they're dangerous.
Sep 18 ECarpenter commented on SL Letter of the Day: What's in a Ring?.
@15 - if your facts were correct, your conclusions would be correct. Unfortunately for your conclusions, though, twin studies and other genetic studies don't support you the way you claim. Sexuality in the real world is not a binary homosexual/heterosexual thing (if you look at real people instead of your imaginary ones). On the spectrum of totally-gay to totally-not-gay, being on one side or the other of the middle of the spectrum does run in families. Some family members may be gayer than others, and some may be straighter than others, and if your mom's family is mainly on one side but your dad's is on the other anything can happen, but sexuality is to a large degree heritable.

http://www.wiringthebrain.com/2010/05/se…
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11058…
Sep 17 ECarpenter commented on SL Letter of the Day: What's in a Ring?.
It's much better to be open about being married from the beginning. Then single men who are hoping to meet a long term partner will be warned that you are not that. And single or married men who are actively not looking to get married will know you're closer to what they're looking for.

And as for opposite-sex couples being more monogamous - I'm not sure that's as true as some would claim, judging from the number of "straight" married men who've hit on me over the years, and the number of married men who've hit on women friends. I think it's more that non-gay men have fewer opportunities, not fewer desires, for adventures outside of their marriages.