Cat in fez
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I am a cat in a fez

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Mar 14 Cat in fez commented on Savage Love.
I wondered why SHHH couldn't remove the humiliation play and see how that works? The beating might be harder to work around if that specific act is a problem, but humiliation play is a massive live wire -- it's hurtful to some people, hot as hell to others, and sometimes both to the same person in a complicated way. If it's her feelings that get hurt by the sort of play they used to do, why not see if the emotional tenor of the play can be changed without removing the kink? There are loads of dynamics out there to play with, and the erotic charge might not have to be lost just because the dynamic that used to work for you guys is too destabilizing now you're in love. If being beaten because you're trash is no longer working, how about being beaten because it's sexy and he thinks you're amazing for how much you can take?

Also: aftercare, loads of aftercare. Loving aftercare can be incredible, and vastly affirming to the emotional bond.
Mar 14 Cat in fez commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Help! He's Fallen Down The Wrong Clickhole!.
@5 It's an artifact of awkward phrasing. He is using Google Image Search to find porn, and calling that "Google imaging porn." It threw me as well, and I use Google Image Search all the time! (though not for porn. I'm way too picky.)
Mar 13 Cat in fez commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Trump Killed His Wife's Libido.
Huh. I guess I had the terror-sex response. My boyfriend and I were both kind of like "oh, I don't know if I'll really feel --" and then had massively cathartic kinky sex for the rest of the evening. Maybe kinksters have an easier time getting catharsis out of sex? Time for a spanking experiment, everyone else?
Feb 21 Cat in fez commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Ex-Mormon Wants to Come Out as Poly to Mormon Family.
I second the other poly folks telling him to cool his jets. I have a liberal-ass family and a form of poly life that is pretty easy for my family to accept (my husband is ace-spectrum and therefore hasn't chosen to have other partners; we don't live with my other partner, we don't have kids, yada yada) and they were still dubious to the point of anxiety and confusion and distress.

With conservative families (and there may even be MORE anti-poly blowback from mainstream Mormons since they've had to distance themselves from polygamy so hard) you're looking at probable intervention attempts, total cut-offs, never being allowed around their kids, getting CPS called if/when you have kids...and that's without figuring in the fact that you just became an apostate, so they may think you've been brainwashed or that this is what lack of Mormonism brings or something.

Get some more road miles on your poly buggy and be sure you have a good support net for a very bad family explosion before even making sure both you and your wife (and your polycule to the extent they'll be affected) are really on board.

But I'm very happy for you that you're happy and out of the Church.
Sep 8, 2016 Cat in fez commented on Savage Love.
@57 Weren't those like...2 weeks ago in some letter? :-p

Rereading LW2, I do find that the 'furious' thing makes me doubt my first read: that she is actually turned on by the idea of her husband's spank-material and that's why she's 'obsessed', so his clearing the browser history wasn't actually going to help (unless it made her realize she missed it!) Ah well, I suppose it's a less kinky world than I hoped!
Sep 8, 2016 Cat in fez commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: The End of the Kinky Affair.
I agree this guy is a giant CPOS and pretty likely a DTMFA, but I want to point something out:

In the letter she says "Unlike most new moms, I was ready to jump back into bed early on. The affair has given us a chance to talk about sex and our interests....We are having sex regularly, typically after me initiating....How do I get back to feeling strong, sexy and confident again"

So I find it a little odd that she's being depicted in the comments as "tending to [her] husband's cock", "wanting to please"...yes, HIS actions have been all about him, but I'm not convinced this letter is. If a woman wants to jump back into sex right away after having a baby, that seems like probably a very sexual woman. He may not find 'going through the motions' kink enough for him, but now she's wondering if he's 'going through the motions' with her, and that isn't enough for her either. He's not only betrayed her, he's fucked up her sexual self-concept (if she thinks she's a sex-bomb and he doesn't even try to tell her about his light kink?) which is getting in the way of HER SEX LIFE as well as their marriage.

I gotta say, another reason she might be resisting the urge to DTMFA is that being a horny woman trying to DATE while parenting a six-month-old sounds AWFUL. Whatever else he is, he's her stable source of dick, and she'd like to troubleshoot that source because she wants dick.

That's my take. Probably going to need therapy if she wants to rehabilitate this dick and feel sexy again, though, I think.
Jul 5, 2016 Cat in fez commented on Savage Love.
Wait...there are no comments yet? Uh...

Well, LW1's marriage is definitely over, like Dan said.

The question is whether he can get over his anger and build a new working one with his wife. It might end up being better, because it won't be built on lies, but it's hard to know. He seems a fairly level-headed guy, for this level of revelation, so it seems like there's some hope.
Jul 4, 2016 Cat in fez commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Pregnancy Derails Poly Bliss.
@56 Yup, got carried away while brainstorming and forgot that detail. There are a lot of reasons the GF might be pulling back though, and they can only know through some of that good ol' poly processing.

I meant Unicorn Trap in the unicorn-hunting sense: if she's afraid they'll expect her to be an unpaid nanny and sexual convenience rather than a beloved autonomous part of the family, that would be a reason for her to spook.
Jun 30, 2016 Cat in fez commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Pregnancy Derails Poly Bliss.
I have actually been a new poly third during a pregnancy and new-baby-stage. It was really shitty timing but luckily we all behaved well and got through it. I guess I also read this letter pretty generously: the girlfriend's feelings seem reasonable for her history, and she isn't sending up any major red flags.

I think Dan's advice is right on: everyone needs to think about what they want and be upfront about it. And I do think that's possible. GF sounds like she might not know what she wants. We don't know if what LW seems to want (a deeper relationship with GF) is possible. Maybe GF is in fact super into the LW but freaked out by her own child-want-issues, freaked out by sex with pregnant bodies, afraid of a Unicorn Trap, repelled by babies, or realizing that she's not prepared to only date potential primary partners who are cool with All This Poly Stuff for the rest of her life (much smaller pool, even lower chances of getting her partner and baby soon). Everyone needs to figure out what they want and whether it's possible. Call me an optimist, I think that can happen maturely, whether the end result ends up being break up or not.
Apr 4, 2016 Cat in fez commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: The Affairs We Don't Hear About.
@54 He does, and I have a wonderful kink partner and boyfriend now, too!

@63 Ditto. A stranger's dick is of less than no interest to me.