Cat in fez
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I am a cat in a fez


Actually, I'm not a cat But whether… more »

Jul 5 Cat in fez commented on Savage Love.
Wait...there are no comments yet? Uh...

Well, LW1's marriage is definitely over, like Dan said.

The question is whether he can get over his anger and build a new working one with his wife. It might end up being better, because it won't be built on lies, but it's hard to know. He seems a fairly level-headed guy, for this level of revelation, so it seems like there's some hope.
Jul 4 Cat in fez commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Pregnancy Derails Poly Bliss.
@56 Yup, got carried away while brainstorming and forgot that detail. There are a lot of reasons the GF might be pulling back though, and they can only know through some of that good ol' poly processing.

I meant Unicorn Trap in the unicorn-hunting sense: if she's afraid they'll expect her to be an unpaid nanny and sexual convenience rather than a beloved autonomous part of the family, that would be a reason for her to spook.
Jun 30 Cat in fez commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Pregnancy Derails Poly Bliss.
I have actually been a new poly third during a pregnancy and new-baby-stage. It was really shitty timing but luckily we all behaved well and got through it. I guess I also read this letter pretty generously: the girlfriend's feelings seem reasonable for her history, and she isn't sending up any major red flags.

I think Dan's advice is right on: everyone needs to think about what they want and be upfront about it. And I do think that's possible. GF sounds like she might not know what she wants. We don't know if what LW seems to want (a deeper relationship with GF) is possible. Maybe GF is in fact super into the LW but freaked out by her own child-want-issues, freaked out by sex with pregnant bodies, afraid of a Unicorn Trap, repelled by babies, or realizing that she's not prepared to only date potential primary partners who are cool with All This Poly Stuff for the rest of her life (much smaller pool, even lower chances of getting her partner and baby soon). Everyone needs to figure out what they want and whether it's possible. Call me an optimist, I think that can happen maturely, whether the end result ends up being break up or not.
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Apr 4 Cat in fez commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: The Affairs We Don't Hear About.
@54 He does, and I have a wonderful kink partner and boyfriend now, too!

@63 Ditto. A stranger's dick is of less than no interest to me.
Apr 3 Cat in fez commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: The Affairs We Don't Hear About.
For the 'he's gay' speculation: my husband is on the ace spectrum and this doesn't sound unlike his pattern. He was reasonably into sex (but not as much as me) and reasonably good if unadventurous when we first got together (tip to high libido people: if it's just barely enough during honeymoon, it's probably not going to be remotely enough afterward), but it petered off. Noticeable spike for competition arousal when we went poly. Then that petered off and he says he's done. Not with me, not with anybody. Not very interested in sex. Which seems to include talking and reading about it in a non-titillating way: you wouldn't catch him dead here, for instance.
Mar 21 Cat in fez commented on Savage Love.
@170 Huh, I don't know any Steely Dan songs!

____

Everything BDF said at 180 I second. With the added factors that victims of color will be treated even worse by the police; that sex workers who are the victims of sexual assault would be arrested if they even thought about reporting (probably would be laughed out the door) or worse: please note there's a significant history of members of the police sexually abusing sex workers -- Holtzclaw isn't an anamoly.

Victims who know their attackers are far more likely to get harassed or threatened if they are 'trying to ruin their lives' by reporting than if they just deal with their own emotions and don't take action. See the American university system. And in general, in terms of 'found only in the undersides of society' -- does that mean colleges are the undersides of society?
Mar 20 Cat in fez commented on Savage Love.
Hunter at @161: "The guy concerned about the provocatively dress woman does not promote rape. Rape is a serious crime in our society. Women should not be raped regardless their dress. Pass the legislation to end that."

We have legislation to end that: the laws on the books don't care what you're wearing, they care what's done to you. However, if you look at how those laws are enforced: what a rape victim faces from the moment she tries to report through the end of a trial (assuming it's brought to one), that's the single best example of what academics call 'rape culture'. The cops try to impeach the victim's story, morals, emotions, everything, and a huge portion of the time tell them they can't press charges. Even if those individual cops are doing what they're doing because 'it'll just happen in court anyway' or 'to make sure the case is legit', the systemic way they do it is 'rape culture'. The way the man or woman in the street says 'but I love the way he plays football/music/whatever, she must be lying' when they hear a new allegation, that's rape culture. It's a weird term, admittedly, but it's the culture that ENABLES rape (not 'promotes' as you say, admittedly) and at bare minimum, we have that.
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Mar 19 Cat in fez commented on Savage Love.
@133 The first guy didn't interact with me at all before yelling at me: just yelled as we passed on the sidewalk. Not invalidating anything else -- your interpretation hits the second group of experiences, obviously. But some guys head straight to anger without the stopover of making advances.

I think BDF at 129 might have the right of it: with the exception of sites and groups more or less assembled for that purpose (manosphere sites for example), maybe men are unlikely to talk about 'women' as a class to each other? And of course, the expectation of our society is that there are very few women in men's lives. Maybe they are hating their wife/girlfriend/whoever and consider all other women to share the same traits they hate in her. (Not the first time projection has come up on this thread.)

@139: Don't know why that would be invalidating to my experiences, unless you were suggesting I DON'T keep it in the back of my mind and thus brought it on through carelessness? I promise, I'm very much aware of this danger. Most women are (those that aren't tend to brag about it, so to head that off: I said most, NOT ALL.). The physical threat is worse for you, since conflicted desire --> trans-bashing is a well-known phenomenon. But I promise I've been aware of the threat of male desire/resentment/anger since I was a teenager. The fact it's only been that long is partly local culture and partly white privilege, from what I can figure out from reading other women's accounts of catcalling and street harassment. Black (and Latina) girls get street-harassed worse and earlier.
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Mar 18 Cat in fez commented on Savage Love.
@117/118 I agree with nocutename, you may be telling us what's behind what the LW is experiencing as men hating women.

I can't remember the whole convoluted fear, anger, hatred tree from the Star Wars prequels, but it seems as reasonable an explanation of why men rejected (even politely) or ignored on dating sites, as BDF cites, go nuclear. Or to come at it from the other, in-person direction: I've had a strange man yell WHORE in my face with clear, horrifying anger in his eyes for the crime of walking down the street in a short skirt and a tanktop on a sunny day. I've also had men yell 'bitch' and 'whore' after me when I didn't respond to their initially 'nice' catcalls, or smile on command. That instant turn to anger, in the second case, or just out of nowhere at a complete stranger in the first case, feels a lot like hate on the receiving end, whatever is causing it on the giving end.
Mar 8 Cat in fez commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Of Cake and Cocks.
Agreed with @31 and others. He's claiming a pass without explaining how, even under rather relaxed current standards, he deserves it. Probably simply has kids. Like a maturely carried out divorce is going to hurt the kids less than the shit-show when Mom finds out Dad has been blowing strangers in restrooms for years. Bonus points if it's actually 'nearly' sexless and she finds out by getting an STD.

Grow the fuck up and get a divorce or an informed agreement, LW. Unless the guilt is, in fact, what's getting you off, in which case get some fucking therapy before/during doing step 1 or 2.