Cat in fez
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I am a cat in a fez


Actually, I'm not a cat But whether… more »

May 17 Cat in fez commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Young Lovers Lie, Cheat, and Wonder Why Their Relationship Sucks.
@8 I assumed she wasn't a native English speaker.
May 11 Cat in fez commented on Savage Love.
I don't have any experience with ED drugs, so I won't add to other people's advice there. But as to strap-ons, I agree with those that think it's worth some more attempts. Yes, it doesn't feel like 'the real thing'. But if you buy the right dildo (dual density silicone is the key) it can feel a LOT more like it than you'd think. People who are hesitant about sex toys may not have done enough research to find the best stuff for the job. Dual density silicone has a firm core and a squishy outside, MUCH more like flesh. Worth a try before going to 'stunt dick' (great expression!)
Apr 30 Cat in fez commented on Savage Love.
@155 I do claim that I am not a cat. Whether I am in a fez I refuse to disclose: it is my feminine mystery. =^.^=
Apr 28 Cat in fez commented on Poor Choice of Words: Milo Is Back & He's "Actively Hunting" 13, 14, and 15-Year-Olds.
He does realize harassment is illegal, right? I mean, yeah, it'll be hard to sue the army of preteens, but that just leaves him and his public incitement all the more legally exposed. Why not just give the $12 million (if he has it) directly to lawyers of feminists' choice and cut out the song and dance in the middle?
Apr 27 Cat in fez commented on Savage Love.
*Just to clarify: in the last para, I meant going slow is a better way to proceed toward poly if they do than going fast. I didn't mean he 'should' do that rather than any other option, that's on him.
Apr 27 Cat in fez commented on Savage Love.
There's a lot of loosey-goosey vocab going on here.

@23 Open relationships have different rules, but polyamory is generally DEFINED as emotional. It's in the name: love.

@26 You're right that a pre-existing attraction is often a goad to people to explore poly, and you say a lot of good stuff here. That said, 'cuckoldry'? In the modern sense, it isn't, because the situation you describe isn't something the husband's getting off on. In the ancient sense, yes, but that's pejorative and based in a sexist 'you own your wife' scenario. So kind of gross to throw around.

Generally:
Admittedly, I'm biased because this is more or less how my marriage opened up. So I want to ask the people who think she's being an asshole, what /SHOULD/ she do? Just never say anything and stifle her own desires without checking with husband whether it's a possibility? Roll out the topic in a series of tiny gradual conversations (which actually WOULD be dishonest and he would be quite likely to find upsetting when the 'and I have a crush on Friend' part came out?)

We have no indication that she's made a deadline or ultimatum, or anything. All we know is that he's not comfortable with it yet even though his brain says it's worth talking about. (And let's give him the credit of the doubt that his brain is not saying that based on 'trendiness' or conformity to new Cool Guy rules, guys.) There are a lot of complicated things rolled up in this -- masculinity, identity, fears of being alone. My husband is on the asexual spectrum and it still bothered him on a deep level that took a while to work through. Now you know that, have I flipped from the assholer in this scenario to the assholee, because it's pretty unfair to refuse to fuck your wife but not want her to go elsewhere? It's almost like this stuff is nuanced.

As for whether she's having an "emotional affair": my poly, married close friend had no idea I had a long-standing crush on him. It's very possible hers doesn't either, or knows and reciprocates but is behaving himself. There ARE poly people who push boundaries and cheat, but it's pretty shitty poly practice and frowned upon.

LOADS of commenters here are not poly, and are looking at this through a totally serial-monogamist lens. "She really wants to dump him and move on to Friend" is a serial-monogamist viewpoint. It means the commenter can't imagine actually wanting to be with more than one person, to find that fulfilling on multiple levels and to nurture and delight different parts of oneself. That means fuck-all about the person on the other end of the letter.

Bottom line: He can say no. He can (and should) go slow. He can ask for other explorations first. He can make a lot of different decisions. But the idea that she's somehow an evil duplicitous [insert biblical woman's name here] for honestly confessing her feelings and asking HUSBAND to consider polyamory is pretty shitty.
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Mar 14 Cat in fez commented on Savage Love.
I wondered why SHHH couldn't remove the humiliation play and see how that works? The beating might be harder to work around if that specific act is a problem, but humiliation play is a massive live wire -- it's hurtful to some people, hot as hell to others, and sometimes both to the same person in a complicated way. If it's her feelings that get hurt by the sort of play they used to do, why not see if the emotional tenor of the play can be changed without removing the kink? There are loads of dynamics out there to play with, and the erotic charge might not have to be lost just because the dynamic that used to work for you guys is too destabilizing now you're in love. If being beaten because you're trash is no longer working, how about being beaten because it's sexy and he thinks you're amazing for how much you can take?

Also: aftercare, loads of aftercare. Loving aftercare can be incredible, and vastly affirming to the emotional bond.
Mar 14 Cat in fez commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Help! He's Fallen Down The Wrong Clickhole!.
@5 It's an artifact of awkward phrasing. He is using Google Image Search to find porn, and calling that "Google imaging porn." It threw me as well, and I use Google Image Search all the time! (though not for porn. I'm way too picky.)
Mar 13 Cat in fez commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Trump Killed His Wife's Libido.
Huh. I guess I had the terror-sex response. My boyfriend and I were both kind of like "oh, I don't know if I'll really feel --" and then had massively cathartic kinky sex for the rest of the evening. Maybe kinksters have an easier time getting catharsis out of sex? Time for a spanking experiment, everyone else?
Feb 21 Cat in fez commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Ex-Mormon Wants to Come Out as Poly to Mormon Family.
I second the other poly folks telling him to cool his jets. I have a liberal-ass family and a form of poly life that is pretty easy for my family to accept (my husband is ace-spectrum and therefore hasn't chosen to have other partners; we don't live with my other partner, we don't have kids, yada yada) and they were still dubious to the point of anxiety and confusion and distress.

With conservative families (and there may even be MORE anti-poly blowback from mainstream Mormons since they've had to distance themselves from polygamy so hard) you're looking at probable intervention attempts, total cut-offs, never being allowed around their kids, getting CPS called if/when you have kids...and that's without figuring in the fact that you just became an apostate, so they may think you've been brainwashed or that this is what lack of Mormonism brings or something.

Get some more road miles on your poly buggy and be sure you have a good support net for a very bad family explosion before even making sure both you and your wife (and your polycule to the extent they'll be affected) are really on board.

But I'm very happy for you that you're happy and out of the Church.
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