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Nov 12, 2014 annstarrr23 commented on Savage Love.
Huh. I think Dan underplayed the red flag with NEFH.

She says: "He thinks about it all the time, and it seems to come up in almost every conversation we have. I feel that this goes beyond just a fantasy. We used to have a great sex life, but now I feel as if I have to beg for it."

She's thinking of marrying a dude who can't have a single conversation without pressuring his fiance to have a three-way, and basically won't have sex with her because of it? That's a needs-counseling level of obsession. There is nothing, including food, my dog, and or my job that I talk about in EVERY conversation. I would get that couple to therapy, ASAP. DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN UNTIL THIS ISSUE IS FIXED.
Oct 22, 2014 annstarrr23 commented on Savage Love.
As for WTF, I wouldn't want to have sex with someone who insensitively ogled other women in front of me, either. It's just not polite, unless it's agreed-upon that both partners find it sexy. Her specific complaints are weird (why are lingerie, porn, or toys problematic?), but the overall tone of the letter makes me suspect that the husband isn't making the LW feel desired and valued. That's probably the problem.

I have to believe WTF's question was worded poorly. Maybe - MAYBE - it was meant to read like this:

"I no longer want to have frequent sex with my husband, which is new for me, and I would like to rekindle my desire. He stares at other women in front of me, he belittles our sex life and insists that I'm not good enough on my own and that we must incorporate porn or toys to get him excited, and tells me that he has to masturbate twice a day because I'm not satisfying him enough. I'm a fan of masturbation, toys, and porn, but the way my husband requests them makes me feel bad and unenthusiastic. I want to feel GGG again, but am having trouble. What do you think? How can I best approach him about changing this aspect our of marriage?"

If that's not what LW actually meant, she needs to get a grip.

Regardless, I'm not sure what connection a partner's masturbation habits have to the other partner. Well, wait, that's not true. Honestly, the hotter my real-life sex life, the hotter I feel overall and the more I masturbate, thinking about all the hot sex I'm having.
May 15, 2014 annstarrr23 commented on Savage Love.
@84 - Obviously, I meant "don't *feed* the troll"... but somehow I like my typo better.

No one feel Mr. Ven!
May 15, 2014 annstarrr23 commented on Savage Love.
@70 and @81 - I just skip his comments. He attacked me about the using the incorrect gendered ending of "masseuse" vs. "masseur," and claimed that my misuse was the most sexist thing he'd read that year. I don't speak French. I'm pretty sure that a foreign language mistranslation is *probably* not the most sexist thing he'd read that year.

He's just a pompous jerk. I communicate for a living, and he does it poorly. Don't feel the troll.
May 14, 2014 annstarrr23 commented on Savage Love.
I really like that this guy is so concerned about consent. We need more people like that. Good for you, letter writer!

I NEED a few drinks to work up the courage to flirt or have sex with someone the first time. Lots of people do. And whoa, I do love drunk sex. Lots of people like that, as well. I would be really upset if a person I liked rejected me only because I had some beers or smoked a joint. And none of those times when I was drunk, was I raped. Drunk doesn't necessarily mean non-consensual.

Since you are concerned (and again, good for you for thinking about this) - just make sure the girl tells you that she likes and wants what you're doing. If she's giving a coherent and enthusiastic response, even if she's a little drunk, I'd say you're good to go. Keep asking. Keep making sure you're getting the right response, and then enjoy away!

As other people said, the whole idea of "drunk = rape" stems from people forcing themselves on people who are too drunk to give consent. There's no brightline rule on where that line falls. You'll have to work that out for yourself. But in general - just respect the person, be nice and honest with them, and if they're enthusiastic and you're enthusiastic and everyone's on board - go for it!
Mar 12, 2014 annstarrr23 commented on Savage Love.
Assuming that LW1's wife will see these comments: depending on the law in your state, DTMFA's medical bills may be half or all yours, if you are still married. Make sure to take steps to protect yourself financially, if you haven't already.
Jan 15, 2014 annstarrr23 commented on Savage Love.
LW1's "friend" has some serious problems. My first thought was that the husband is clearly having an affair. My second thought was that he's just not attracted to his wife anymore due to baby weight (total asshole move, but also something that does sometimes happen). My third thought was that he's depressed and doesn't want to have sex. None of my thoughts were "oh, yeah, it's totally because his wife is a mom now!"

Get thee to a therapist LW1, ASAP.
Dec 18, 2013 annstarrr23 commented on Savage Love.
Oh god, that lady should not propose. She needs to have an open and honest talk about what exactly her boyfriend's concerns are, and whether he feels like he just needs more time with *her* or whether he feels like he just needs more time in general.

If it's just time in general, I would dtmfa. If he's still debating her as a life partner and trying to decide if she's the right choice, OK. Give him a bit more time to figure that out. If he's just still basically a kid who doesn't see marriage as an option right now - marriage will be a long time coming. Dtmfa.
Oct 23, 2013 annstarrr23 commented on Savage Love.
Like everyone else, I am laughing a bit at the idea of a man trying to woo his lady by "lotioning in front of her." While there are many things I find attractive about men, lotion application has NEVER been one of them. Maybe I've just been watching the wrong lotioners, but... it's just not a sexy activity for most men. It's actually kind of gross if LW is hairy.

I agree with Dan that LW should just suck it up and ASK HER to initiate sex more. Tell her it makes you feel less desirable when she doesn't initiate. Most women will understand that feeling. If that's just too hard, think about what she's said she's found attractive in the past, then do it.
Oct 17, 2013 annstarrr23 commented on Savage Love.
@60, nope, I would hope that most interactions are not viewed in the light of lust. I certainly don't think that way most of the time.

But when it comes to sex workers, I think that it's more likely that the sending of flowers from a client might be viewed as a come-on. Surely there's a good and proper way to do it, but I do think that was part of LW's hesitation. Perhaps a little thoughtfulness about appropriate interaction is not misplaced?