Achieve the Four Modernizations.

nocutename
Berkeley, California
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12:34 PM nocutename commented on Savage Love.
@LateBloomer: Count me among those women who don't view sex so transactionally, and who like to have it for its own sake, as well as because, depending on the circumstances (though I'm fine with sex as pure recreation), it may bring a sense of intimacy and emotional closeness, and because I want to bring pleasure to my partner.
12:26 PM nocutename commented on Savage Love.
@268: I guess I've been lucky in my choice of partners, in that I've never been with anyone like you describe in your second paragraph. Although I don't know how much of that nagging insistent behavior is due to a desire to debase and inflict pain, and how much just due to general childishness and irritating constant pushing a reluctant partner to do anything sexual at all, kind of like the grown-up version of the teenage boy pushing, getting his hand moved away and moving it back.
10:06 AM nocutename commented on Savage Love.
EricaP: I think Registered European meant that he appreciates the fact that he can count on getting sex if he fulfills his part of the bargain: paying her price (as well as being inoffensive hygienically). I don't think he necessarily means he appreciates the businesslike aspect, but he might--there is some truth in the old adage that people who pay prostitutes aren't paying for the sex, but for someone who leaves when the sex is over.

But if finding people to have sex with (without money changing hands) or to date and form relationships with is challenging or difficult for someone for any number of valid reasons, it is probably a relief to know that as long as you have the means to pay for it, you don't have to forgo sex. I think that may be what he means, as well.

I think the kind of sex worker you're talking about, who considers you to be paying for her time, and who may or may not decide to have sex with a client depending on whether or not he meets a host of criteria is a very high-end escort. Of course all sex workers (who aren't being coercively pimped) are free to reject a client who is drunk or disgusting, but most probably don't go into a date with the thought that they may or may not have sex. That's the nature of the job--that's what the date is for. That's the service they are providing.
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5:26 AM nocutename commented on Savage Love.
@sissoucat: I haven't found that anilingus is a necessary prelude to anal sex. Lube is, but you need more lube and some that will last longer than saliva. And general relaxation, and a high level of arousal is--I've never started with anal, and only embark on it once I've already had at least one orgasm. What's important for me, but I think for many, is that the parts of me that ordinarily enjoy stimulation continue to get that stimulation while this new sensation is added to the mix.

I am much more shy about having someone's tongue there, though if I'm very freshly showered, I sometimes don't object, and I need to be assured of my partner's cleanliness before I will consider performing anilingus, myself, but neither being on the giving or receiving end does that much for me, and I certainly don't feel like it gets me in the mood for anal penetration.

I'm just curious: why are you so insistent that you won't receive unless the man is willing to be pegged? For instance, my nipples are very sensitive and a big erogenous area for me, but I've met plenty of men who either experience very little sensation from having their nipples stimulated or feel a sense of discomfort or irritation (not in a good way). Why would I insist on tit-for-tat (English pun)? Just because I like being the recipient of something doesn't mean I would know how to perform it on someone else to that person's satisfaction. People like different types of touches, different techniques. What works on one partner is not guaranteed to work on another partner. I have been with men who like the prostate stimulation and ask for it, men who haven't tried it and don't think they want it, who if I introduce it discover that they enjoy it, and men who don't like it at all. So the fact that a partner wouldn't want to be pegged doesn't mean he would be able to give me pleasure. I know Dan has said any man who wants anal sex from a woman should be willing to be pegged so he can get an idea of what she's going through, but I disagree with the idea. For one thing, it implies that anal intercourse is some sort of ordeal, demanding a great sacrifice on the receiver's part, rather than an act that provides pleasure. For another, it suggests that all sex acts must be viewed as some sort of quid pro quo, which I also don't think is either necessary or the way things work out.

I don't mean that there shouldn't be a roughly equal amount of give and take and pleasure for both parties sought and happily given, but I don't like the sort of aggrieved attitude implied in "I will do this for you, but you need to do this for me first" way of thinking which I think Dan occasionally promotes, maybe unintentionally.

Still, if you don't want to try it until the man has been on the receiving end, that's your right and your call.
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8:40 PM yesterday nocutename commented on Savage Love.
seandr @227: Talking of "Sex at Dawn," you say the book's " line of reasoning is that women make more noise during sex than men, and the evolutionary function of these noises is to attract other men.

And yet there seems to be near-universal agreement that overhearing your neighbors fucking is among the most annoying sounds in the world.
"

I think that overhearing your neighbors fucking gets more annoying the more it interferes with your ability to get some sleep.
8:33 PM yesterday nocutename commented on Savage Love.
@seandr: Yeah, but he's beyond vanilla. I don't think it's going to work out.
7:42 AM yesterday nocutename commented on Savage Love.
@sissoucat & seandr: I've never been asked to give it or to receive it. It seems to arise rather organically in the proceedings, and if either party isn't receptive to the idea, it gets shut down.

Same with anal, and sissoucat, you're absolutely well within your rights to keep it off the menu, but I'm a woman, and let me tell you that prostate or no prostate, it's one of my favorite things. I'm currently dating a man who's super-well endowed with an exceptionally thick cock. While that may be wonderful for some activities, it has really put a damper on the anal, and I miss it.

@Auntie Griz: as far as lubes go, I'd visit a sex positive sex shop or virtually visit one online if there aren't any where you live, like Babeland, Smitten Kitten, Good Vibrations, etc. and ask for recommendations from the sales personnel. They're likely to know all the different features of the lubes. Just tell them what you plan to be doing and they'll help you find the best to start with.
Apr 13 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
Auntie Griz: I wrote my response to your #208 before your #209 posted, so I didn't address that.
For the time being, I wouldn't involve a partner at all. Use your own fingers, and control your own dildos. Get to the point where the idea of penetration isn't as scary to you as it sounds like it currently is.

Then I'd try to find a good friend, or a very sexually experienced partner, not necessarily a boyfriend, who would be willing to help you. I do think that a professional would be a good bet for the first time or two. I know they're expensive, but this seems like a time when you want someone who won't be fazed by much and who won't be all eager and worked up and ready to jump the gun. You want all the emphasis to be on you and your body's response. Once you have more confidence about what you can't and can't do and how good you can feel, etc. then I'd think you could incorporate your new skills and confidence into your real dating life.

Be prepared that this might take some serious time. But it's important to have a success, and so it's worth the investment of time (and perhaps money).
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Apr 13 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
Auntie Griz: First of all, I am glad to hear that you're recovering so well and can expect a full recovery from a successful ablation.
I'm not a doctor, but I would think that your having been sexually inactive for such a long time is less of an issue than the reason that sex was so painful before. If you had/have vaginismus, I don't think that the condition of your uterus is likely to affect that. I think that that's best treated under a specialist's care, and involves relaxation techniques coupled with the insertion of various extremely thin dildos, gradually increasing girth over a long period of time, very slowly and using plenty of lube. Since you're getting close to 50, you might need lube (or more of it) even if you hadn't had a history of painful PIV, so research the best kind for you and your needs (I would choose something that doesn't dry out quickly), and see what happens with just a finger inserted. Work on breathing for relaxation, and you may want to add some alcohol or better yet, marijuana, if those things help to relax you and cut the tension.

If you're thinking about partnered sexual acts, keep in mind that enthusiasm and a good attitude, plus an interest in your partner's pleasure go a long way. So if you can't have PIV yet (or ever) or don't feel ready to try it, consider how involved you are able and willing to be with a partner. You can give him a blow job, you can give him a hand job, you can engage in frottage (rubbing)--you don't have to jump straight to anal. And he should be willing and happy to go down on you, to kiss you and stimulate your nipples, to rub your clit. Many women can feel very good without any vaginal penetration at all.

As far as your anal questions go, a lot of people still find anal to be something they have to work slowly up to, if they go there at all. It's by no means a given that people have to have it. However, the size of your butt has much less to do with the success of anal than the size of the man's penis. This is when having a small or short or thin penis is a plus for a lot of people. Don't feel any need to rush to anal. If I were you, I'd take it completely off the table for the indefinite future. I'd say learn to get comfortable being sexual in any way with a man again (I get the impression that when your marriage ended, you stopped all sexual activities, not just PIV; if that's not the case, then my suggestion is probably unnecessary). Take it slow--engage in some make out sessions, as if you were a teenager again, and see how you and your body feel when you're turned on.

One last thing: don't keep your history and concerns a secret from a man you're starting to get sexual with. You want a man who is willing to move slowly with you, who will let you and your body's responses set the pace. You want someone who won't misinterpret your cautious pace as uninterest in him.

Go slow and choose a truly ggg partner, emphasis on the first two g's. Good luck!
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Apr 12 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
@186: Buying sex seems a lot like shopping for your own birthday present, in the sense of selecting and paying for the gift yourself neutralizing a gift's psychological value.

You are aware, I hope, that some people don't have anyone to buy them a birthday present? If they want that new electronic gadget or silk blouse or book, they will have to get it for themselves. Sometimes it's hard to justify spending money on oneself, and the excuse of "it's my birthday" allows someone to get something s/he wants and has no other way of getting, but it feels generally too extravagant to buy it for oneself for just any old reason.

And it's the same for sex. Sure, we'd all love to have sex in the context of a rich and rewarding love relationship, or in the context of affectionate friendship, or even in the context of the excitement of a pickup based on extreme mutual attraction, but some people aren't lucky enough to experience that. Masturbation is a great thing, but it is no substitute for real human sexual contact. Buying sex is them taking care of themselves the best they can. Most people who only experience sex that they have bought and paid for probably wish they could experience it other ways. It doesn't help to have people like you and AFinch weighing in and passing judgment.
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