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Aug 25 Sancho commented on Savage Love.
The extent of a person's risk and danger in having their AM enrollment exposed corresponds in direct proportion to their degree of foolhardiness in enrolling and creating a profile on their server, creating a vulnerability that would never ever expire (unlike their membership). An awful lot of people were apparently very, very foolhardy. Some of them may also have been very very lonely, very very horny, or some mixture thereof, to run those risks for the sake of what AM offered. Sometimes what we crave most desperately is exactly what we should avoid, because desperation can make us stupid.
Jul 1 Sancho commented on Savage Love.
I totally understand Venn's melancholy and how the compliment triggered it. This too shall pass, Venn; maybe read some Marcus Aurelius in the meantime. (But I don't know what "SS" means. Anyone?)

I likewise think that LW1's current relationship is most likely headed for terminal problems; this developing scenario probably will not be greeted by the current boyfriend as a glorious opportunity for shared erotic exploration, though (sadly) he won't want to lose a hot gymnast bf either and will suffer awhile first before LW1 heads off to let his narcissism graze in greener pastures.

LW2 will work everything out with more experience, as he himself realizes.
Jun 2 Sancho commented on Savage Love.
Rarely does Dan come up with a column where I have virtually no sympathy for any of the 3 LW's, but he's done it here. The degree of self-justification for bad behavior is off the charts. Maybe FACTS and SANE should get together, though.
Jan 1 Sancho commented on Savage Love.
I wonder if the realities of "maintenance sex" are covered in those pre-marital counseling sessions some couples take? Because before a naive, young, hormonally charged couple who can't keep their hands off each other walk down the aisle, they should really take the time to clearly imagine their future, older selves providing and/or settling for sex that only one of them wants.
Sep 2, 2014 Sancho commented on Savage Love.
LW1: the problem here isn't changing your wife's mind about you - it's changing your wife's mind about porn, and that's going to be tough. You've committed what she believes is a wicked act; she does not even want to have children with you. Trying to convince her that "I like porn, but I'm still a good guy" is probably doomed to failure, since for her those two propositions are mutually exclusive. Instead, you have to convince her that porn isn't wicked, which would mean that you aren't, either. Good luck with that.
Jul 22, 2014 Sancho commented on Savage Love.
SOCI doesn't say what his partner's Adam4Adam profile said or showed, and he doesn't give details about the pictures exchanged. If the A4A profile contained the "typical" personal information (size in inches, favored positions, etc) and if the pics involved were nude, then I'm going to disagree with Dan and say that's not innocent flirtation. Also, actually creating online accounts for the specific purpose of trading pics with guys during your partner's absence is not the same thing as incidental locker room scoping. SOCI's partner is fulfilling some kind of desire that their relationship isn't satisfying, and that's a problem. I think Dan's wrong here.

As far as the horrors of turning 35 go, I just turned 50 and it's fine. Between 35 and now, I've accomplished a lot more to be proud of than I had then and I've checked any number of items off my "life list." Just keep moving forward and enjoying it, OVER.
May 27, 2014 Sancho commented on Savage Love.
I am so confused by those poker chips. I'm sure it's a lovely idea for the more math-adept, though.
Apr 8, 2014 Sancho commented on Savage Love.
Speaking from the gay side of the fence, I'm not a big fan of SOS's appealing to "a young gay guy" for permission to keep on seeing prostitutes behind his wife's back. The implication is pretty obvious, and it doesn't suggest respect for gay men as much as it suggests a belief that they've got looser standards.

And just for my two cents, making a new lifestyle out of these regular business calls on sex workers without telling his wife is unsavory. He wants to have sex but also keep the comforts of his marriage; since he knows he can't have both honestly, his way to satisfy his sense of entitlement is to lie to his wife. She should have some say in this radical reconfiguration of their marriage, rather than being kept in the dark just because her husband values his orgasms too much and their marriage too little to risk actually telling the truth.
Dec 18, 2013 Sancho commented on Savage Love.
Why would anyone want to be married to someone who has to be forced to make the commitment? I simply do not grasp this.
Nov 21, 2013 Sancho commented on Savage Love.
I always think that labelling people "repressed" is condescending - is it really any improvement over the bad old days of men calling women "frigid" because they didn't conform to the men's fantasies? It de-legitimizes the allegedly repressed person's desires and feelings by pathologizing them, and it says from a position of superiority, "I know what you really want, even though you don't know it." It sounds less harsh because it has a veneer of compassion, describing the person as a helpless victim of puritanical social forces. But it's still condescending and potentially manipulative ("If you were normal, you'd want to do what I want").

It seems to me that respecting both sexual difference and sexual agency requires us to treat our partners like adults capable of making and communicating choices - even when we don't understand or agree with those choices.

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