5:21 AM yesterday
commented on Savage Love
I'm with Dan where it comes to the idea that some infidelity can protect other concerns within a marriage (companionship, kids, property, security) for some exceptional cases.
I also don't give a personal shit about who shags whom on this planet, or how they do it as long as *consent*.
For the most part sexual fidelity is encoded into the marriage contract and it is a feature that a sizeable majority of people entering the covenant expect. I don't have a problem with folks deciding to have open relationships, if they are mutually agreed, but I do have a problem with swathes of people unilaterally deciding to make this contractual redefinition.
There is nothing to gain from judging other's individual behaviour but I think it is reasonable to challenge the apparent hypocrisy of all those people (men mainly) from enjoying privileges (standard marriage contract, social respectability, financial benefits) when they don't honour the deal that they made.
Perhaps this is a good step on the way to correcting the definition of marriage to reflect mutual respect and responsibility as more important than sexual behaviour. After all, you can't promise to love someone for ever but you can promise to be kind to them.
commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Dad Tells Teenage Daughter That Her Mom Turned Him Gay
ADCF I'm with a couple of commenters who have identified two things:
1) This isn't really your concern - be supportive to your friend then butt out. Reading between the lines you are getting too involved in the drama.
2) The teenage daughter isn't that easily fooled, her greatest risk is the general dysfunction of her family, if she is seeing a therapist then you don't need to be involved any further.
commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Straightish
If he is challenging you for being a lesbian three times a week you are not ready to marry each other. Either he is too insecure (not ready to marry you) or you are vibing that you are closeted (shouldn't marry him).
What the fuck you wear at work should have nothing to do with it unless you make it so.
commented on Savage Love
@19 I'm getting the fake vibe on the first and last letters this week. The first does sound like a teen fantasy and the third is incongruous in that the LW is (presumably) a virgin and by her own admission naive yet comfortable using CUNT, which I find offends people more often than not. Maybe Dan just likes to fulfil fantasy wishes from fans sometimes.
The fully grown adult whose BFF is annoying him with her badgering about his relationships (or lack thereof) isn't offended, he is uncomfortable because he knows he is unhappy but doesn't know how to fix it. If he was cool about being unhitched he would just tell her so. But he wants to find someone, he just lacks the confidence or skills to go out and meet them.
FAQ - change your social patterns. You are, I suspect, avoiding or not seeking out opportunities to meet the right sort of people, your female friend is picking up on this and challenging you because she senses your dissatisfaction. Get out there, not the bars and clubs, but the volunteering, the hiking, the salsa, the conservation, the whatever - with other gay people.
commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: No Way Out
He isn't happy either.
It appears to be a codependent relationship, so you each need to work out why you are putting yourselves through this.
My guess is that your self-esteem must be pretty low if you have already escaped abusive relationships and remain in this one. Being mom and grandma seems to be the only thing that makes you feel valued.
End this marriage now. You should still be entitled to half, so even if that's a tiny apartment it will be better than this. His feelings are no longer important - he has made it quite clear that yours weren't to him - so do what you have to to get him out or to buy you out.
Maybe he will get the help he needs, maybe. But you are no longer responsible for him, just yourself.
commented on Not Gay Men Who Have Not Gay Sex With Other Not Gay Men
" Ward illustrates that sex between straight white men allows them to leverage whiteness and masculinity to authenticate their heterosexuality in the context of sex with men. By understanding their same-sex sexual practice as meaningless, accidental, or even necessary, straight white men can perform homosexual contact in heterosexual ways. These sex acts are not slippages into a queer way of being or expressions of a desired but unarticulated gay identity. Instead, Ward argues, they reveal the fluidity and complexity that characterizes all human sexual desire."
I just had to quote that whole paragraph of waffle to make sure I wasn't dreaming or hallucinating.
WHAT UTTER DRIVEL!
I'm fine with guys identifying as straight and having sex with men. Sticking fingers up butts in frats is mainly horseplay and occasional circle jerks can be regarded as exploratory.
If you are routinely fucking other guys (top or bottom) then that is well into bisexual territory what ever you decide to call it.
When you start using "leverage" you are already in trouble, when you use it to justify enacting homosexual behaviour as a means to validate heterosexuality you have outed yourself as an imbecile.
What she is really trying to say is that some guys are most comfortable identifying as straight and they don't want that status removed just because they like a bit of cock - because even being bi or a little bit gay is understandably unacceptable. Ugh!
commented on Savage Love
Fake or not, one particular detail jumped out of GETOUT's letter: ".. despite her use of oral contraceptives, she fears pregnancy."
Given that she is a virgin, who is engaged to be married, who is repulsed by (terrified of ?) sex. This can only leave that she is on the pill to regulate/calm her menstrual cycle - so this means that a doctor is prescribing these therapeutically. It is conceivable that there is something going on as a result of this or that this is a symptom of something more organically complex.
What ever the case, GETOUT needs to talk to her family and tell them about the suicide threats and then break-up with her, as shitty as that makes him feel or as shitty as her family thinks that is. She needs professional help, be that mental health or medical, or both.
BAWLING: It is a classic case of "He's just not that into you". Move on and find someone who is at least grown up enough to be honest with you.