Mar 7 tamar commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Sexlessish Marriage Less Sexless During Affair.
Hi, Inmymind - Thanks for giving more detail. Sounds like this is a lot more complicated than two good partners who have a sexual disconnect.. As far as whether desire can be resurrected, I have known it to happen with some friends, but the people I know who had luck did have a really good connection that had just gotten put on the shelf because of parenting, job issues, illness or the like. In your case, given what you said about him being a depressed alcoholic and the two of you having unresolved resentments, it is way beyond that. I'm not surprised that you have lost your desire for him. That sounds soul-crushing. Good for you for going to see a therapist even though he won't - it can be really good to have that neutral space to figure out what you want to do going forward. I just wanted to add that I was one of those who was outraged by Dan's advice, not by your situation. You had a short affair, and no, it's not anyone's ideal behavior, but it happens. I was upset by Dan's advice that things would be improved if you keep being dishonest. I don't think you have to tell your husband about the short affair, but I think it will be better for everyone to be honest about how you are feeling about things. As for the open marriage thing, my husband and I have permission to fool around within certain guidelines, and for the most part it has worked out really well for both of us for over a decade, but I really think it works best if you already have a solid connection and good communication. Alternatively, I think it can work if two people decide to basically become friendly roommates, with no romantic obligations to one another, for the purpose of raising kids. (Though in my real life experience, people who start off that way really just wind up auditioning for the person they will leave their spouse for in two years or so.) Good luck to you.
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Mar 5 tamar commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Sexlessish Marriage Less Sexless During Affair.
I have been trying to figure out why, as a non-monogamous person, this advice still made my head completely explode. I think it's because, while I don't personally think sexual exclusivity is a requirement in a marriage, I do think that honesty, respect and commitment are. When I talk with people about the fact that I am not monogamous, they often assume that means being ok with cheating and having no rules. I always held Dan Savage up as a guy who laid out a philosophy of ethical non-monogamy and who was hard on CPOS. Not any more, apparently. The VERY FIRST option given to a person who is feeling bored with their innocent spouse (lw has no complaints about his behavior, says he wants and gives her good sex) should never be to just do what is convenient and easy and cheat on them, while lying and becoming less emotionally intimate. Dan seems to be saying that you can skip all of the hard work and negotiation required in a marriage and do what feels good in the moment, and as long as you stay technically married, even if you bleed all of the trust and love from your marriage, that's just fine. She says she thinks he could tell something was wrong the last time she cheated, so how long before a new affair blows up her marriage in a storm of recrimination?

I think she needs to start by being more honest with him about how they have not been focused on one another and go from there. Maybe more fun times that aren't about parenting will do the trick - raising three young children together likely means that they haven't had much time to focus on one another sexually and romantically in awhile. Or maybe just fantasizing together about other people could be fun and bring them closer. Or maybe they would like to try swinging or threesomes - being non-monogamous but still in the context of putting one another first. It may turn out that he is interested in being polyamorous himself - is she ready for that? If she has made a major effort over time and still nothing works, I could see option 2 (unilaterally, but with honesty, opening the relationship and trying to just stay co-parents while giving both the chance to find attraction elsewhere) as being an ethical choice. It might still mean divorce at that point but at least she could say she had really tried to make it work.
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Mar 4 tamar commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Sexlessish Marriage Less Sexless During Affair.
I have also become incredibly disappointed with Dan's standards for what constitutes ethical cheating, and my husband and I have been happily "monogamish" for about ten years. This LW appears to be a perfect example of a CPOS. Her husband is a good guy who wants sex with her, knows what she likes and tries to give it to her. She is just bored with him. She hasn't actually talked to him about it or made any effort yet to try to make their marriage better. She had an affair and maybe, for a little while, they had slightly more sex because her husband could tell something was wrong and was desperately trying to regain intimacy with her, and she was guilty, so she closed her eyes and thought of her lover. How is more of that going to make anyone's life better?

My husband is not really cut out to be monogamous but, in part because of Dan's advice, he talked to me about his difficulties, he sucked it up and didn't get everything he wanted when I wasn't comfortable, and knowing that he was being honest and faithful to the rules I set, over time things got easier and better for us. Had Dan been writing this advice years ago, I suspect he would have just cheated on me or told me half-truths and we'd probably be divorced now.
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Jan 4, 2012 tamar commented on Savage Love.
Thanks, vennominon. I was surprised to see the way the letter read, but I understand the need to cut extraneous (for the purpose of Dan's column) rambling details.... I rarely comment here but read regularly, and it is interesting (and a bit disconcerting) to be on the other side of things.
Jan 4, 2012 tamar commented on Savage Love.
#33 - I am happy to reap the benefits, because after we married 9 years ago (and after five years together with great sex) his libido basically died. I think he is probably not cut out to be monogamous with anyone. Something about knowing that I don't have to be the last woman he ever sleeps with seems to make a difference to him sexually, and while I like sex, I especially like sex with him and knowing he is happy.
Jan 4, 2012 tamar commented on Savage Love.
FYI, I am the person who wrote letter 1. I know that editing is necessary and undoubtedly my letter was not clear, as I dashed it off quickly after reading Dan's request in the column, but I would not call my husband's experiences 'sex without emotion and affection.' He is friends with his FWBs - often, we both are. I think I made that point in my original letter, but it was so much longer originally that cutting was certainly necessary. We are going to the wedding of one next month, have had many visit us and one even lived with us for awhile when she ran into financial trouble. In fact, when we first talked about this, I told him that it was important to me that he treat these women with respect and affection. Just FYI....
Dec 6, 2011 tamar commented on SL Letter of the Day: Taste Testing.
I agree that perhaps you could try to "ask" in a different tone. I am not crazy about the taste when I am licking him off after he's been inside me, but our relationship has a bit of D/s going on and when he grabs me by the scruff of the neck and tells me what I am going to do, I find it very sexy. Obviously if you try this and he balks, it would be inappropriate to pressure him further, but maybe all he needs is a more highly charged atmosphere.
Aug 24, 2011 tamar commented on There Is No "P" In "LGBTQITSLFA".
I am also still a little confused about "queer." My friend came out to me as "queer" recently as this was the conversation:
Her: I'm queer - do you know what that is?

Me: Not sure, actually - I saw a documentary recently and in that, it seemed the people who identified as queer meant it as a gender thing - that they didn't identify as a particular gender.

Her: Hah! No, that's not it at all. It means that I don't want to have sex with people because of anything physical. I'm not attracted to their sex organs or breasts or whatever - I am attracted to them because of who they are as people and how I feel about them on an emotional level.

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Now, I can't personally imagine not having a physical response - I always thought that "demonstrating our love" thing was fake, but apparently not! So I am still working on wrapping my head around that.
Aug 15, 2011 tamar commented on You Must Choose One.
Most of the lingerie guys are adorable. The elephant trunk guy is creepy. So, definitely the second.
Aug 4, 2011 tamar commented on SL Letter of the Day: Name That Poon.
Vaclabia sounds like a disease.

Cooch is cute, I guess. I tend to use pussy and don't see why it would be creepy. My sister also uses yoni with her little daughter - that strikes me as a little New Agey, but not bad if you want a non-sexual nickname.