Apr 26 ChiTodd commented on Savage Love.
@19: If she's lying, it's more likely that she's lying to herself than to anyone else.

Even people who supposedly know all the pitfalls are still prone to doing things like getting caught in NRE or being a little set back when faced with the reality that their partners aren't exclusive with them. And here you have someone excited about the idea of all the early dating thrills with someone else. She doesn't sound like she's seeing any farther than that.

Which is why I suggested something that would make her viscerally aware that HUSBAND would be getting intimate with other women, physically and emotionally, as well. Many people are excited about the idea of polyamory when they only think about how they're getting more, and attempt to cram the genie back into the bottle once they're aware that their partners will also be seeing other people. Monogamy is more about wanting your partner to remain faithful (and offering you own faithfulness in exchange) than it is about only ever having eyes for one person.

The newcomer who's only seeing the parts she wants to see does need to have her face rubbed in the messy reality of poly before she can give useful information to anyone.
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Apr 26 ChiTodd commented on Savage Love.
@3: It's not just a case of "just sex" vs. a relationship. It's that the person proposing polyamory has a date lined up the minute they get permission, while they have reason to believe their partner won't find someone new to hook up soon. Believing that one can have their cake and eat it too is a classic poly newbie mistake.

I'm tempted to say that HUSBAND should agree to open things up after he knows he already has dates lined up too, and ask his wife to help him with that. There's an off chance she'll be enthusiastic about the idea, in which case they have to figure out how to make their tastes mesh together. Smart money says that when she's asked to pick between mutual monogamy and mutual openness, though, she'll wind up picking the former.
Apr 4 ChiTodd commented on Savage Love.
DKML: There's also the fact that the PC police won't break down your door if you decide that something else works for you.

Unless you're talking something intrinsically risky where someone needs to keep a sober head, the reason you hear so much against drunk sex is due to how often drunk sex turns into regretful sex. If you and your partner have a rapport going already and don't regret what you do with each other, sober you can negotiate broader permissions that they're allowed to take with drunk you.
Apr 4 ChiTodd commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: After 15 Years, Her Husband Still Looks Like A Child & She's Not Into It.
I do get the feeling that OP would find problems with a manlier man too. But it's also pretty clear that constant rejection will do an increasing amount of damage to her husband. She'll be better off suggesting an "it's not you, it's me" trial separation so that they can try to remain on good terms, than to let their relationship die of sepsis.
Feb 14 ChiTodd commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Facebook Stalking Pharmacist Questions His Ethics.
I kinda want to skip over the part where hitting on people you met through work is bad form, and focus on the part where hitting on some random person through FB is also bad form. Even if PILL got these names through some other avenue, sending a friend request to someone who doesn't know you is unlikely to go over well. Never mind making a pass at them.
Feb 14 ChiTodd commented on Savage Love.
@150: "Fuck/marry/kill" is a slightly updated version of "would you rather". It tends to boil down to either "which of these three desirable options would you pick if you could only have one" or "which of these three undesirable options would you pick if you had a gun to your head".
Feb 13 ChiTodd commented on Savage Love.
I'm on the side of Dan and most other commenters as to LW1's gf's motives. "Heterosexually monogamous" sounds less like the sort of thing someone is likely to say in honest discussions, and more like someone trying to use big words to pretty up what's a transparently bad deal. Given that the second sentence only brings up what the girlfriend wants, not showing any signs of softening or compromise positions, this sounds less like good faith negotiations and more like someone who keeps pressuring their partner to accept a shitty deal. Past experience has shown me that plenty of people like that exist.

Still, the odds that some random new yorker reads this deep into the comment section is negligible. Someone inside a relationship can tell the difference between good faith negotiations and self-centered justifications. And can act accordingly.

The next hypothetical step gets interesting, either the general experiences of a bicurious girl looking to experiment or the specific experiences of a bicurious girl looking to experiment while staying with her male primary. But that's getting a little ahead of the issue.
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Feb 11 ChiTodd commented on Savage Love.
@98: "That's why I said earlier that sex (and only sex) is easier for gay men to get. Unfortunately, from what Bi tells us here, we can't say the same of their female counterparts..."

Men looking for sex with other men will have an easy time getting dick. Women looking for sex with other women will have a hard time getting pussy.

Given that the straight equivalents are also well known (men looking for sex with women will have a hard time, women of all orientations will be deluged with offers), I think it's easiest to boil it down to "having sex with a man is easier than having sex with a woman".

@101: "I would not expect anyone so steeped in het privilege to understand the concept of being expected to give up half one's sexuality. It is seriously not the same. You could fantasise that the partner you are currently with is an 18-year-old Asian. You really can't fantasise that the man you're fucking has breasts and a clit."

Two questions.

First, if you were dating a woman, would her asking for exclusivity also be asking you to give up half of your sexuality?

Second, are you really telling us that it is unreasonable to expect monogamy from a bi person?
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Feb 10 ChiTodd commented on Savage Love.
@79: I'm not sure I want to take advice on picking up chicks from someone whose constant refrain is that pussy is impossible to come by.
Feb 7 ChiTodd commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Maybe Sex Just Isn't His Thing.
A few brain droppings:

-To an outside observer, there's no real way to tell the difference between someone taking time off of dating due to burnout, and an asexual. Without any tells, there's neither pressure nor obligation to tell other people. Even the friends you do tell, using words like "I don't really get horny" can convey the exact same meaning without using specific identity labels.

-You'd be hurting the LGBT community if you made a big fuss about being cured, or campaigned in favor of "religious freedom" laws. There's not much else you can reasonably do to hurt the community. Deciding that a different identity fits you slightly better and communicating that to your friends won't do anything to the community.

-You mentioned being shy and awkward, and seem like you've built a good chunk of your identity around being a Gay Man. That you're now worried that you'll have to chuck your Gay Man identity and start centering your identity around being an Asexual. The thing is, identity is not the whole of personality. Try to look at it as a bunch of shorthand identifiers instead or broad pigeonholes.

If most of your friends came from gay circles and you spend a lot of time in gay hangouts, they're not likely to kick you out just because your four year long dry spell suddenly has a name. Continue being you, keep doing what you've been doing, and don't stress about having to live up to whatever identity labels you feel best fit you.
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