Feb 14 ChiTodd commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Facebook Stalking Pharmacist Questions His Ethics.
I kinda want to skip over the part where hitting on people you met through work is bad form, and focus on the part where hitting on some random person through FB is also bad form. Even if PILL got these names through some other avenue, sending a friend request to someone who doesn't know you is unlikely to go over well. Never mind making a pass at them.
Feb 14 ChiTodd commented on Savage Love.
@150: "Fuck/marry/kill" is a slightly updated version of "would you rather". It tends to boil down to either "which of these three desirable options would you pick if you could only have one" or "which of these three undesirable options would you pick if you had a gun to your head".
Feb 13 ChiTodd commented on Savage Love.
I'm on the side of Dan and most other commenters as to LW1's gf's motives. "Heterosexually monogamous" sounds less like the sort of thing someone is likely to say in honest discussions, and more like someone trying to use big words to pretty up what's a transparently bad deal. Given that the second sentence only brings up what the girlfriend wants, not showing any signs of softening or compromise positions, this sounds less like good faith negotiations and more like someone who keeps pressuring their partner to accept a shitty deal. Past experience has shown me that plenty of people like that exist.

Still, the odds that some random new yorker reads this deep into the comment section is negligible. Someone inside a relationship can tell the difference between good faith negotiations and self-centered justifications. And can act accordingly.

The next hypothetical step gets interesting, either the general experiences of a bicurious girl looking to experiment or the specific experiences of a bicurious girl looking to experiment while staying with her male primary. But that's getting a little ahead of the issue.
Feb 11 ChiTodd commented on Savage Love.
@98: "That's why I said earlier that sex (and only sex) is easier for gay men to get. Unfortunately, from what Bi tells us here, we can't say the same of their female counterparts..."

Men looking for sex with other men will have an easy time getting dick. Women looking for sex with other women will have a hard time getting pussy.

Given that the straight equivalents are also well known (men looking for sex with women will have a hard time, women of all orientations will be deluged with offers), I think it's easiest to boil it down to "having sex with a man is easier than having sex with a woman".

@101: "I would not expect anyone so steeped in het privilege to understand the concept of being expected to give up half one's sexuality. It is seriously not the same. You could fantasise that the partner you are currently with is an 18-year-old Asian. You really can't fantasise that the man you're fucking has breasts and a clit."

Two questions.

First, if you were dating a woman, would her asking for exclusivity also be asking you to give up half of your sexuality?

Second, are you really telling us that it is unreasonable to expect monogamy from a bi person?
Feb 10 ChiTodd commented on Savage Love.
@79: I'm not sure I want to take advice on picking up chicks from someone whose constant refrain is that pussy is impossible to come by.
Feb 7 ChiTodd commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Maybe Sex Just Isn't His Thing.
A few brain droppings:

-To an outside observer, there's no real way to tell the difference between someone taking time off of dating due to burnout, and an asexual. Without any tells, there's neither pressure nor obligation to tell other people. Even the friends you do tell, using words like "I don't really get horny" can convey the exact same meaning without using specific identity labels.

-You'd be hurting the LGBT community if you made a big fuss about being cured, or campaigned in favor of "religious freedom" laws. There's not much else you can reasonably do to hurt the community. Deciding that a different identity fits you slightly better and communicating that to your friends won't do anything to the community.

-You mentioned being shy and awkward, and seem like you've built a good chunk of your identity around being a Gay Man. That you're now worried that you'll have to chuck your Gay Man identity and start centering your identity around being an Asexual. The thing is, identity is not the whole of personality. Try to look at it as a bunch of shorthand identifiers instead or broad pigeonholes.

If most of your friends came from gay circles and you spend a lot of time in gay hangouts, they're not likely to kick you out just because your four year long dry spell suddenly has a name. Continue being you, keep doing what you've been doing, and don't stress about having to live up to whatever identity labels you feel best fit you.
Dec 30, 2016 ChiTodd commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Dispatched To (And a Dispatch From) the So-Called "Friend Zone".
I like how much people talk about soft nos, but as soon as the person giving the soft no has a penis, it's his responsibility to spell everything out explicitly.

It's hard to be too mad at Kathy here. Her biggest flaws are inexperience and cluelessness. But STUCK has been trying to dodge meeting the boys she's been dating for a while. Which includes more than just the long distance, open relationship one. At what point is the onus on a person to pick up on hints that the other person is not interested.

Anyways, though, since STUCK is more likely to read this than Kathy; as close as you two were when you were younger, it sounds like she has you pegged as her BFF. That role does come with some amount of oversharing. And I could see how she'd want to have her BFF back in her life and fall back into old habits.

She also sounds like she doesn't have the healthiest understanding of relationships, which causes them to fall apart regularly. Would you really blame her for not wanting to risk a BFF on that?

Unfortunately, since you're the only one who can do anything here, you're going to have to sit her down and have a talk about how you still want to be her friend, but you don't have the energy to be her BFF anymore. Then you'll have to enforce that by being strategically busy. It won't be the same closeness you used to have so long ago, but you sound like you do need to realize what are healthy distances to keep people at.
Dec 28, 2016 ChiTodd commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Straight Guy Wonders If He Can Be Queer.
#1: Queer hasn't had a clear definition in a long time. If you want to call yourself queer, go for it.

#2: Stop thinking of the issue as who does or does not have rightful ownership over the term, and think of it more as image management. If you mention that you're queer to someone, will the whole overall interaction leave them with a positive or a negative impression of queerness?

There's a slightly deeper question here about how communities that suddenly become trendy should handle people who join just to use the label to excuse their being twatwaffles. (Which inevitably causes the whole community to be seen as twatwaffly for a bit.) But personally speaking, be a decent human being, be a well-rounded human being, and identify as whatever you see fit.
Aug 19, 2016 ChiTodd commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Sexy Business Tips.
@13: No unaccompanied men makes sense for a swingers party. It makes less sense for a class style environment, and no sense for a retail style environment. I have to wonder how any business manages to keep their doors open when they disrespect a sizable chunk of potential customers.

@ASOMO: On top of what the guest experts mentioned - opening a business means you'll have to understand how to manage a business - there's also the part where your ability to actually educate anybody will be limited. You won't be able to reach anybody who doesn't walk in your doors (and the people who most need sex ed are not the sorts to walk into a sex shop), and sometimes retail means keeping your mouth shut in the name of making a sale.

Keeping a brick and mortar storefront open when everything is available through Amazon is one thing. Educating people is quite another. Depending on what you want to say to who, running a sex shop might not have any net effect.
Aug 9, 2016 ChiTodd commented on The Shooting in Mukilteo Is the Latest Example of What Happens When Guns Meet Toxic Masculinity.
Since you mentioned Omar Mateen and the Pulse shooting, remember how he pledged his allegiance to toxic masculinity before going to town on the club? Because his body count is higher than every other person mentioned put together.

Not to mention Mohamed Lahouaiej-Bouhlel, who I'm sure we all remember pledging his allegiance to toxic masculinity before that fateful day in Nice.

If you're going to try to put together a nice, pat story about mass shootings, at least try not to cherry-pick your examples so obviously when counterexamples to your narrative are so fresh in everyone's memory.