Jul 9 ChiTodd commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Can I Book a Session With My Friend The Sex Worker?.
Y'know, if LW's friend wanted to keep her personal life and professional life completely separate, she wouldn't have told him in the first place. This isn't him stumbling across her ad out of the blue. This is her consciously revealing what kind of job she has.

Given that, I'd guess that someone who's comfortable telling you what they do for a living will also be comfortable with you asking if you can patronize them. They might not be comfortable being patronized, but in that case it's trivial enough to make up some excuse why they're not available.
Jun 28 ChiTodd commented on Savage Love.
FAITHFUL: One thing that might help if you want to be able to discuss outside dalliances is helping your husband find someone for himself as well. People who feel like they're expected to stay at home while their partner goes out can have a noticeable change of heart when they're able to have date nights as well.

FEM: Is there any reason why these labels matter to you? Do panties only get you off if you happen to get into rainbow club because of it?

We could discuss technicalities, but the two main facts remain. You know what gets you off, and you should keep doing it with interested partners. Also, your support for other people's rights shouldn't be contingent on where you lie on the balkanized map of gender/sexuality issues. With those said, why does it matter what label you have beyond "this works for me"?
Jun 24 ChiTodd commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Degraded And It Feels So Bad (Right After It Feels So Good).
One more thing that should help newbie perverts a lot.

Look at what various kink resources are near you, and at the very least google for whatever munches happen to be local. (Fetlife can be handy for this. It's only so-so for meeting people, but quite good for helping you find communities and events.) It's a lot easier to stop feeling like you're broken when you see plenty of other people, who happen to have full lives and loving partners, who also happen to enjoy getting their dirty freak on.

As a bonus, someone you meet at one of these events is much more likely to be open to relationship permutations where you make outside humiliation plans.
Mar 12 ChiTodd commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: My Coworker Is Vetting Sugar Daddies!.
Where are people getting the idea that the co-worker is actually doing anything sexual on the clock? Presumably any high end spa would know about customers asking for "happy endings" and would have measures in place to make sure that employees don't get around to any funny business. (Some places might encourage that sort of thing, but LW would know and mention something if this were actually a brothel.) The odds of a police raid are astronomically slim.

Co-worker is being remarkably unprofessional, but the spa is already noticing that and taking action. Since that problem seems to be self-correcting, there's no need to further things along. And since speaking up just places LW in the radius of the ensuing drama bomb, better to stay quiet and keep her distance.
Mar 11 ChiTodd commented on Savage Love.
"...and using the word rape except for its real meaning, may dilute the potency of the horror it inflicts."

Are we going to be equally quick to language police people who use the word "rape" to describe when someone has one drink to calm their nerves beforehand? When they say yes, but aren't as enthusiastic as a kid on Christmas morning? When they have the misfortune to be women living under patriarchy? Because when certain broadenings of the definition are totally cool while others are considered an affront to rape victims, people will notice.

More generally re: THINK's wife, does it really matter the specifics of what happened to her? Actual violent assault vs. not knowing proper safety precautions vs. a technically proper scene which she felt traumatized by. It's starting to feel like her status as a "real victim" is more important than people hearing and acknowledging the trauma she underwent.

THINK seems to hear - and support - his wife when she says she was traumatized. He doesn't want to inflict more trauma. I'm wondering why there are some people here to whom specifics of labeling seem to take a higher priority.
Mar 8 ChiTodd commented on Savage Love.
FAIL: After breaking things off with this guy, start looking for a qualified therapist. If you run into bad people as often as you sound like, it probably isn't just random chance. I'm in no place to guess what the specific issues might be, but that's why you should be talking to a qualified professional.

But first, let's ignore the issues specific to your comfort and focus on something more general you said;

"but when we get into bed, he talks about me doing them the entire time we're having sex. I've asked him to stop, and he says he will, but it doesn't stop. He will also have sex only in the positions he likes, and if I ask for something different, he'll just stop having sex with me, leaving me frustrated."

If you were to hear anybody else describe their relationship that way, what would you tell them? Sometimes the answers really are that obvious.
Mar 8 ChiTodd commented on Savage Love.
THINK: How often has your wife had to safeword, even if it's just a yellow? (Or if you don't use colors, some other form of telling you what she wants without calling the whole thing to a halt.) Because if you trust each other, you're both willing to communicate, and you respect her wishes, that does pretty much does make rape impossible.

I'm hearing your worries as hurting her while you're both caught up in the moment as opposed to fears of false accusations. But there does come a point where you have to trust that she's an adult who can speak up for herself if things fly past what she's comfortable with. If you two were in the early stages of dating, there'd be a lot that could be said about making sure she knew that she'd be respected if she spoke up. But if you two are married and trying rough sex already, I think it's fair to assume that basic level of communication has already been established. With that in place, trust her that she can speak up.
Feb 9 ChiTodd commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: She Knows She's Bi Now—But Does Anyone Else Need To Know?.
Coming from what I'm guessing is the same place as nocutename, the question is what actual value comes from a person in a straight, monogamous marriage coming out as bi? There's no natural way to segue into it from a conversation, which basically means making a production out of something that has zero impact on your behavior.

And the issue is less about people refusing to acknowledge that bisexuals exist, so much as the stereotype that they're either partially closeted gays or attention seeking straight people. So while a person coming out as bi may raise visibility a little, if their further behavior looks 100% straight, I don't know that the visibility is worth the part where it just reinforces stereotypes.
Feb 9 ChiTodd commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: He Doesn't Wanna Be Her Next Cuckold.
"Badgered", "pressured", and "only did it to save her marriage" do not sound like the words of someone who particularly wants to repeat these experiences.

Still, I can get how hearing details about your partner's past can be a bit of a shock. In that case, it might be good to discuss fantasies. Having those sorts of experiences with someone can give you a solid sense of stuff you've done as a unit, instead of your brain treating you to images of them having super porn quality sex with other people. (This especially works if it's something they haven't had much opportunity to experience before, an an ex who pressures her into that sort of stuff doesn't sound too concerned with fulfilling her fantasies.) And while there's no guarantee that she will come clean about other stuff but will still hold back her desire to have you be her next cuckold, it will make that specific scenario much less likely to unfold.
Feb 9 ChiTodd commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: She Knows She's Bi Now—But Does Anyone Else Need To Know?.
(And yes, I'm aware that TLTL is neither of the two ineffective coming out strategies mentioned above. There's a good chance that she'll be seen as one or the other if she doesn't also open up about her new relationship, and people who do fall into one of the two above camps aren't much help when they do come out.)