Dec 30, 2016 ChiTodd commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Dispatched To (And a Dispatch From) the So-Called "Friend Zone".
I like how much people talk about soft nos, but as soon as the person giving the soft no has a penis, it's his responsibility to spell everything out explicitly.

It's hard to be too mad at Kathy here. Her biggest flaws are inexperience and cluelessness. But STUCK has been trying to dodge meeting the boys she's been dating for a while. Which includes more than just the long distance, open relationship one. At what point is the onus on a person to pick up on hints that the other person is not interested.

Anyways, though, since STUCK is more likely to read this than Kathy; as close as you two were when you were younger, it sounds like she has you pegged as her BFF. That role does come with some amount of oversharing. And I could see how she'd want to have her BFF back in her life and fall back into old habits.

She also sounds like she doesn't have the healthiest understanding of relationships, which causes them to fall apart regularly. Would you really blame her for not wanting to risk a BFF on that?

Unfortunately, since you're the only one who can do anything here, you're going to have to sit her down and have a talk about how you still want to be her friend, but you don't have the energy to be her BFF anymore. Then you'll have to enforce that by being strategically busy. It won't be the same closeness you used to have so long ago, but you sound like you do need to realize what are healthy distances to keep people at.
Dec 28, 2016 ChiTodd commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Straight Guy Wonders If He Can Be Queer.
#1: Queer hasn't had a clear definition in a long time. If you want to call yourself queer, go for it.

#2: Stop thinking of the issue as who does or does not have rightful ownership over the term, and think of it more as image management. If you mention that you're queer to someone, will the whole overall interaction leave them with a positive or a negative impression of queerness?

There's a slightly deeper question here about how communities that suddenly become trendy should handle people who join just to use the label to excuse their being twatwaffles. (Which inevitably causes the whole community to be seen as twatwaffly for a bit.) But personally speaking, be a decent human being, be a well-rounded human being, and identify as whatever you see fit.
Aug 19, 2016 ChiTodd commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Sexy Business Tips.
@13: No unaccompanied men makes sense for a swingers party. It makes less sense for a class style environment, and no sense for a retail style environment. I have to wonder how any business manages to keep their doors open when they disrespect a sizable chunk of potential customers.

@ASOMO: On top of what the guest experts mentioned - opening a business means you'll have to understand how to manage a business - there's also the part where your ability to actually educate anybody will be limited. You won't be able to reach anybody who doesn't walk in your doors (and the people who most need sex ed are not the sorts to walk into a sex shop), and sometimes retail means keeping your mouth shut in the name of making a sale.

Keeping a brick and mortar storefront open when everything is available through Amazon is one thing. Educating people is quite another. Depending on what you want to say to who, running a sex shop might not have any net effect.
Aug 9, 2016 ChiTodd commented on The Shooting in Mukilteo Is the Latest Example of What Happens When Guns Meet Toxic Masculinity.
Since you mentioned Omar Mateen and the Pulse shooting, remember how he pledged his allegiance to toxic masculinity before going to town on the club? Because his body count is higher than every other person mentioned put together.

Not to mention Mohamed Lahouaiej-Bouhlel, who I'm sure we all remember pledging his allegiance to toxic masculinity before that fateful day in Nice.

If you're going to try to put together a nice, pat story about mass shootings, at least try not to cherry-pick your examples so obviously when counterexamples to your narrative are so fresh in everyone's memory.
Aug 5, 2016 ChiTodd commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Back To the Dorms.
There's nothing wrong with discussing the finer points of your living situation, now that it's turned from a summer thing into something longer term. You're allowed to expect a certain baseline from a roommate. Especially since if she moves out from your place, she'll have to make nice with someone else. This girl's backslid state will be a hassle to anyone else she moves in with.

But this all leads to a deeper issue that it'll help you to work on. You'll need to discuss boundaries, and be firm on them. What household responsibilities you expect her to stay on top of (possibly including what part of the bills you expect her to cover), and what spaces each of you can claim as your own. Odds aren't good that this specific girl will get her act back together quickly, and I do get how dating as a transdyke is tricky, but viewing this as an opportunity to work out some of your own issues will help better position you for your next relationship. If nothing else, it'll help you avoid falling into an unhealthy role.
Aug 4, 2016 ChiTodd commented on Savage Love.
@57: Running with poly circles is only handy insofar as poly circles tend to overlap strongly with kinky circles, and kinky circles tend to be both more sexual (for both good and ill), and as groups full of self-identified oddballs tend to have less of a knee-jerk reaction to transness. You'll probably still be seen as an other, but an other who gets waved around to show off other peoples lefty cred as opposed to a freak.

Trans issues and unicorns have very little overlap. The archetypal unicorn is closer to the MPDG than anything else; an attractive add-on that enhances the person's(/couple's) life without bringing any pesky complications or conflicting personality traits of their own. Unicorn/MPDG seekers often aim cis and young, but that's more a general statement about what women get the most attention.
Aug 3, 2016 ChiTodd commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Back To the Dorms.
The biggest thing that stands out here is that neither of them seem to understand what living with someone else and sharing space properly entails. Depending on the size of PIKACHU's digs, it may be easier or harder to set aside personal space for each of them, on top of rules for common areas. And then both sides sticking to them.

But PIKACHU is rather clearly inexperienced. (Reaching one's early 30s without knowing how to share space with a partner, or even being aware how much of a factor it is, is a huge tell.) And his girlfriend being barely out of her parents house keeps her from being super skilled. (Dorm roommates don't count, between the amount of time spent out doing school stuff and the presence of dorm common areas when someone needs to get away.) So either they'll both have to work hard on developing skills (no guarantee on either of their parts), or check in to see what other options the school has available.

Will disagree with Dan on her being a user who needs a hard move out date, though. It's a relationship that quickly grew past the skillsets of either participant, but that selfsame lack of skills will also make it much trickier for her to know where to look for alternatives or to properly advocate for herself. Kicking her out means tossing her into the deep end, which should not be a first choice.
Aug 3, 2016 ChiTodd commented on Savage Love.
PGMN: Pokemon Go is largely an excuse to get out, walk around, and explore the local area.

If your hubby were wrapped up in a more passive video gaming hobby, there'd be different conversations to be had about him making sure that you got your fair share of time and attention. But as it stands, you two need to have talks about together time and making sure that your schedules and energy levels sync better.

The co-worker is a red herring here. The real issue is that together time and mutually enjoyable activities have become a stress point. Focus on that, see what solutions you can come to, and the rest of your issues should flow from how well that does or does not resolve.

USA!USA!: I just want to add that "The couple thinks I'm overreacting and that a load in your face should be a forgivable offense" clinches the deal. It might have been forgivable if there were an honest apology about something that happened in the heat of the moment, and they were willing to work to rebuild trust. But when both of them tell you that you should overlook a boundary violation, that's a clear sign that you're right to get far away.

FLAGS: Don't suburbs usually imply closeness to urbs? Unless your whole metropolitan area is full of scumbags, there should be non-suburban folks to hook up with.

If it's a more general thing that the people you meet/wind up with tend to have deeper issues, there might be more than just your location at work. Look at the types of people you've hooked up with and how you've met them. If it's something about you that tends to attract/be attracted to messed up individuals, it might be worth figuring out how to attract healthier people. And then possibly experimenting to see what sorts of FWBs you can find to fill the time until you move.
Aug 3, 2016 ChiTodd commented on Savage Love.
"They are tedious for experienced poly women to constantly disabuse shiny het couples of, and they are potentially dangerous for inexperienced poly women."

Het couples wouldn't generally be down for threesomes, since that would require one of the partners to sleep with someone they're not into.

Not that unicorn hunting couples in the classic sense aren't a massive annoyance. I just find it interesting that they're so often characterized as straight, and something that exists to annoy bi women, when the female half of these couples are also bi. Often vociferously so.
Jul 29, 2016 ChiTodd commented on SL Letter of the Day: In Demand.
I don't think LTB was saying she wanted to be in a triad, so much as she wanted to have a girlfriend and a boyfriend, each independent of each other. Which can make her a most hated bisexual if she insists that they both be completely faithful to her (imbalanced relationships tend to be troublesome), and a slightly hated bisexual if she insists at capping her partner counts at one each (once you move away from monogamy, capping at two seems pointlessly arbitrary). Plus, many bis nowadays push back against the stereotypes that grew out of people who insisted "as a bisexual, I can only be satisfied by one of each".

That said, most people involved in poly communities tend to favor open dating over closed groups. If someone like LTB is down with that, they can date as many people of whatever genders as scheduling and personality allow.