Aug 9, 2014 Forlorn commented on Savage Love.
And omg the sex that awaits you! You have no idea the difference a partner who wants you to have a great time makes.

Aug 9, 2014 Forlorn commented on Savage Love.
LW1, I thought my controlling abusive husband was my best friend too, until I got the fuck out and learned how it feels to have real friends and real love and not just toxic entanglement with someone who treated me so badly.
If he doesn't care about your happiness (and sexual happiness counts), he's not your best friend. If sex constantly feels rapey - maybe because he coerced you into feeling you had to do it as your duty to him - he's not your friend at all.
You were 20. He was 42. He failed at the campsite rule and I think you should shake out your wings and fucking FLY because actual happiness awaits. I promise. Do it before you go for all, because it'll help your divorce be cleaner. And absolutely nuke from orbit any evidence you've been talking to these men.

Get a good lawyer. Leave when he's not there. Don't tell him where you are. Get out, and be free.
Jan 4, 2014 Forlorn commented on Savage Love.
Cytomegalovirus isn't mono. That's a different bug, the Epstein-Barr virus.

CMV is not generally dangerous to people with functioning immune systems and people who are not fetuses.
Dec 1, 2012 Forlorn commented on I, Anonymous.
LMAO @anyone insisting all serious domestic abuse calls are prosecuted. Anywhere on earth.
Dec 1, 2012 Forlorn commented on Savage Love.
Not *all* people are naturally non-monogamous. I don't disagree that probably most people are, but there are some of us who are monogamous and are simply intrinsically that way.
I would just wish that people who I respect, like you, Dan, would stop acting like the way I am is less natural. It's just different.
Nov 17, 2012 Forlorn commented on I, Anonymous.
He doesn't stop for crossing guards with flags? He's a menace that needs to learn to use a bus.
Nov 10, 2011 Forlorn commented on I, Anonymous.
Argh, and one more thing. All you can really do until she realizes she IS powerful and she IS worthy of safety and she IS brave and then she can leave is decide for yourself how much of watching this you can handle without causing irreparable damage to yourself.

It doesn't make the friends of someone being battered evil to have to withdraw to preserve themselves. It is my hope, only, that it be a choice you make, and not one the abuser makes for you by turning your actions against his victim.
Nov 10, 2011 Forlorn commented on I, Anonymous.
Notgettingit, this woman is not responsible for her friends' violence (or her boyfriend's). You're definitely not getting it.

Batterers perform a sort of debilitating brainwashing. By now she could easily believe all the violence is her fault and she needs to make everything the way it should be so he doesn't *have* to hit her. Or she could just be terrified - the most dangerous time in a battering relationship is when the victim is trying to leave.

The reasons why she doesn't just leave are complex and sometimes a sign of how much her own psyche has been twisted against her and sometimes a sign of a very realistic fear, and often a bit of both.

Some abusers may respond well to have their ass kicked by someone who cares about their victim; many more will use it. If anyone said anything bad about my ex's treatment of me, he used that to "prove" that person hated him and didn't really love me and wanted just to break us up because *they* wanted to control me or they were prejudiced. He used the very real fears and concerns and anger of my family and friends to isolate me further and further and keep me from anyone who could help or protect me.

It helped him that I had been abused as a child - but that's not true for all battered women. All I can really say is that battering and constant fear and blaming oneself changes the mind completely in destructive, terrible ways, and it's all done very purposely.

So notgettingit, fuck off blaming the victim for the actions of her friends or her abuser. And Anon, as much as your anger is righteous and justified, keep in mind a couple things:
If you go to jail, you can't protect her when she finds the power to leave.
You can't change the crazy going on for her.
Don't help him isolate her from those she can depend on when the time comes to flee.
More...
Oct 13, 2011 Forlorn commented on I, Anonymous.
His behavior is abhorrent and creepy. Art models are providing something valuable, and he is being grossly disrespectful of that, and does not deserve one second more of any of their time.

"typical puerile dude with raging hormones" theory aside, most people are respectful enough of people offering them a valuable, non-sexual favor not to act like snickering douchebags.
Aug 23, 2011 Forlorn commented on Savage Love.
It boggles my mind that PORTLAND even thought of selling his son's underthings. That's insane. You want to make money pandering your child to pedophiles?
WHAT in HELL.
There is something seriously wrong with a parenting thought process that could even spawn that thought.
I can't even fathom it. Dan was much kinder to PORTLAND than I could be. I wanna just give him a sound smack on the back of his head and say loudly and sternly "NO, NO, NO, YOU MORON."

It's your job to protect this kid, PORTLAND, not pimp him out, even if you feel you're doing so in an abstract way, you're still trying to sexually sell your child.

I hope you will one day be as disgusted with yourself as I am with you right now. That you even discussed this with him was seriously inappropriate. Consider family counseling, because your dynamics are fucked up.