Feb 17, 2015 LAN8 commented on Savage Love.
My own parents stumbled across a stash of Drummer Magazines when I was 14 or 15 and grilled me about it. They too were freaked out because not only was gay (it was the early 80's) but I was also into BDSM. I stayed interested too. Although I've never really been a big part of the SM scene I've definitely had lots of very kinky sex, including a whole kidnap and rape fantasy scenario that lasted a weekend. I can tell you now that not only have I never ever once tried to rape or maim or kill anyone (and find that idea rather abhorent, although I like violence in sex - go figure), I have never even had an issue with anyone thinking I did. All my play partners have been (and will continue to be) fully consensual. That one weekend sex fantasy? It took a good month to set up. There was everything to several letters sent back and forth outlining in writing everything that was to go on and agreed to, including safe words. Time spent picking the place, arranging for food, hydration, safety equipment, checking the equipment ourselves, testing it to make sure nothing would go wrong, etc., etc. (there were 5 total people involved including the "kidnapee"). It ended up being a very spiritual experience for me and I got repeated requests to do it again from the kidnapee. So don't worry Mom, it sounds like he's well-adjusted in other ways, just kinky. There are some great sex therapists out there though, if you're still worried send him to one of them.
Dec 6, 2014 LAN8 commented on Savage Love.
NFB - How about asscapism?
Apr 2, 2014 LAN8 commented on Savage Love.
For NCA,

I think your trust was broken, partly, by his non-disclosure before sex.

I'm poz so I have to disclose before sex but I also don't like to disclose too early myself because I want to know if it's worth it before we even go there. I generally disclose on about the third date. By then I know if I want to pursue anything further (whether that's just sex or FWB or a full-on relationship), but I don't tell everyone around me because I grew up during the whole crisis. I saw my friends litterally being kicke out of their jobs and homes when they got sick, and then of course most of them died 6 months or less later. That scarred me. I've personally experienced all kinds of discrimination being poz (even today) and even when I date someone for 3 dates, then tell them I'm poz I've been rejected for that reason sometimes. It hurts every time. I don't blame them, they have a right to their preference and opinions and the right to make decisions about their own safety and I wouldn't take any of that away from them even if I could, but it still hurts, every single time. Because there's nothing I can do about it, and that's definitely NOT all there is to me. I can be, and have been, a wonderful boyfriend in the past. I know that. I can be one again for the right person.

I think you should take some time and sort out your feelings. Maybe even take a short break (no more than a few weeks, tops) and think deeply about what you really feel about Marcus, about yourself, about what your issues are around sex with one (and, yes, we all have issues around sex somewhere or Dan would be out of a job). No judgement, just get to the bottom of your feelings and trust your gut. But be not only true to yourself but fearless as well. Don't let social pressure and expectations get in the way of your real self and your real feelings whatever they are. If you love Marcus, and I suspect you do, then decide if that love can be sexual with him or not. If not, let him down easy and be his friend instead.

Good luck whatever you decide.
Dec 11, 2013 LAN8 commented on Savage Love.

Any chance we can just ditch the alphabet soup for a nice concise symbol, like the ampersand? I like the ampersand, it's curvy and kinda sexy, especially in old school fonts, and it's inherently inclusive! I'd much rather have a single pithy symbol than what looks like a stroke happening on my keyboard.

Look, I know everyone wants their identifier, their time in the sun to shine, but I don't want to type it. It's inelegant. Heck Prince (the pop star) got away with it for a few years, everybody knew what it meant, even if they still pronounced it "Prince".

I'm just sayin', give the ampersand a chance. It even has mystery, which is very sexy. "I'm &". that's hot, that invites questions. Just how "&" are you? In what way(s)? If the goal is to start the conversation "&" is a better way to go IMHO.
Mar 8, 2013 LAN8 commented on Savage Love.
@10 Thanks, Dan, for all your hard work. I'm glad you expanded upon the original answer and I found this very informative. It's hard to find good journalism these days that doesn't just rehash some tired old opinion we've heard a million times before (well, ok, cock chastity... probably a thousand times before). I'm glad you took the time and the legwork to find some good answers for this lovely young kinky couple, and I'm sure they'll have hours of fun and safe enjoyment because of it.
Feb 6, 2013 LAN8 commented on Savage Love.
"strategic stroke breaks" - sounds like some new moniker for a type of dance music, like EDM. I'm gonna steal it and use it in that context, even though you clearly didn't intend it that way. 'K? ;-)
Jan 20, 2013 LAN8 commented on Savage Love.
@7 (again), but since you asked (in an implied way anyway). You know what a "sawsall"™ is (http://www.google.com/search?q=sawsall&h…)

Well, it's that with a dildo on the end.
Jan 20, 2013 LAN8 commented on Savage Love.
@7 No.
Dec 16, 2012 LAN8 commented on Savage Love.
"or, if one's butt plug failed to dislodge and take flight, cause one to simply explode."

Shouldn't they put that little label on all butt-plugs then? The one they use on hair spray and paint, kind of a triangle with radiating lines from an explosion? Maybe with the words "fart hazard" underneath? ;-)
Oct 6, 2012 LAN8 commented on Savage Love.
@Dan, Janice from the muppets...really? I always wanted Animal, guess I like the bad boys.