Jun 23, 2015 Keef commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: The Rainbow Correction.
There were apparently complaints when "gay" was beginning to mean homosexual instead of "happy". "Queer" meant something else, too. Of course, most of the complaints about 'queer' came from unappreciative gay and lesbian people.
Nov 2, 2013 Keef commented on SL Letter of the Day: Still My Son.
#31: Lifestyle restrictions on sexually-engaged teens will not somehow protect them from hurt fifis. Crushes and breakups are something we all go through and sadly, many parents do a poor job of helping us prepare for it. But I commend any parents who have the gumption to speak with their kids at an early age, and often, about early relationships and how they can be disappointing and traumatic due to our culture's carcinogenic promotion of wholly unrealistic expectations. Purity until marriage, followed by everlasting monogamy, while breeding new future taxpayers. How about we let our kids enter the ring when they feel ready to do so, with the understanding that if and when they get knocked out, we'll be there to help them learn from their experience, get their confidence back, and jump back in for another round? Lifestyle restrictions teach teens that their parents are determined to keep them from finding the answers they seek. It puts them at odds with each other.
Nov 2, 2013 Keef commented on SL Letter of the Day: Still My Son.
#19: I don't know what YOU wanted to do with teenage girls which called for 'protecting' them from you... did you foster violent fantasies? Did you want to smack girls around, rip their genital tissues and leave them sobbing and traumatized? Did you want to ruin girls with your dirty, dirty penis? Boys I knew just wanted to see the goodies, touch the goodies, smell and taste the goodies, and have someone with the goodies who they could bond with in a way as real as life itself. And that's what the goodies are for. The goodies are not poison. Treating teen sexuality like it was as horrible as plowing through a kindergarten in a herpes infected semi-truck is just idiocy. The way some dads furiously cock-block their daughter's vaginas has, to me, always smelled of displaced incest guilt.

It seems you were taught that sex is bad, and therefore, the act of it is a sort of 'harm' that one must be 'protected' from. And that the best protection is to live in ignorance of sex, (other than vague warnings of unspeakable harm), as well as imposing a cloistered life devoid of unsupervised opportunities to encounter the 'evil that dare not speak it's name'.

It seems you were taught to consider yourself a monster, for the urges Nature inevitably gave you. Now you're trying to infect your own age-old lingering shame upon your children. You can indeed make them just as confused and unhappy as you were, if you're determined to do so. It would be far better if they were properly educated about the consequences of unprotected sex, and prepared for the turbulence of early relationships, instead of locking them in a tower where you can fantasize about championing their sticky golden innocence, O Great Defender of the Holes.

#28/29: Well put. It's a tragedy that everyone doesn't understand these things intrinsically. It seems they think that sex education is too complicated, and that cloistering is a humane substitute. They think there is some off switch on their children's genitals which they have the prerogative to employ. I picture them pantomiming a switch-flick in mid air and then declaring the filthy problem solved. But, little Johnny's semenarche can't be rescheduled for 2015 when his parents are ready to accept it. Youths are best prepared in advance, to welcome their development with confidence. Parents commit an act of VIOLENCE on their own children by trying to turn back the clock, and practicing denial instead of support. Innocence itself is vulnerability.

My insight in this is that deep down inside, parents lack the confidence that they can educate their kids effectively about sexuality. Part of that is due to the State and Church taking over that role, and doing so pretty poorly. Not really a new observation there. As youths, we were taught that sex makes us untrustworthy, and therefore, we can't be trusted to teach our likewise untrustworthy kids. It's a vicious cycle, and the only morally sound thing to do is break it. Our culture suffers from systemic sex-negativity. And the parallels between parental homophobia and parental "innocence protection" are all the more clear to me in light of this debate. In reality, teen sexuality, and similarly, coming out to our parents, represents signs that the child has begun to break away from his parent's control, and is exercising independence. The parents, sadly, fear that their own guidance is insufficient to ensure their child will make the best decisions. They convince themselves that crushing Johnny's will and forcing them to behave like they did before Nature reared it's head is best.

What formerly sex-negative adult, what formerly closeted homosexual does not understand this? Once again, it's a pity that Dan Savage exhibits an uncharacteristically blind spot on the topic of gay teens and sex.
Nov 1, 2013 Keef commented on SL Letter of the Day: Still My Son.
@14: I don't think there's a widely agreed-upon definition of "progressive parent" other than something along the lines of "not regressive parent". Dan's advice for parents of gay teens is highly regressive. The spectre of control freaking will keep kids in the closet. Characterizing gay teen boys as delicate teenage daughters who need special protection is misogynistic. Blossoming sexuality is a milestone, not a problem. Are we still frightened and ashamed of sex in the 21st Century? Dan's advice will lead to further hardship and a longer period of vulnerability for gay teens.
@15: Noone's saying you can't share your old-timey teachings that sex is something that should be put off as long as possible for whatever rationalizations. Turn it into a song and sing it to banjo music. But I AM saying that Dan should carefully think about the consequences of putting one's precocious gay teenage son on social restrictions in the ridiculous hope that his cherry won't get popped until mom/dad is finally ready for it to happen. It communicates a sense of distrust, abnormality and shame. A kid who works up the nerve to come out to his parents should be rewarded for his maturity. The worst thing you could do is respond by trying to take away his freedom. And it's so crass to hear such advice coming from such an otherwise progressive gay advice columnist.
Nov 1, 2013 Keef commented on SL Letter of the Day: Still My Son.
Vennominon: Do DOOO de do-do. Hahahah.

And you make an excellent point. Dan Savage's advice will drive gay/bi teens INTO THE CLOSET so they don't lose their sleepover privileges. Noone wants their parents interfering with their social lives. The lesson here is: tell mom/dad that you're gay, and they'll isolate you and try to control what you think and do. And Dan is fine with that. And I suspect SMS would be happy letting the son's boyfriend, and other boys sleep over, despite his/her long-time suspicions, until the day the son admitted he was gay. That's enough of a litmus test for me to prove that this advice is fail. Control-freak parenting is bad parenting.
Nov 1, 2013 Keef commented on SL Letter of the Day: Still My Son.
SMS: While you may not be ready for your boy to grow up yet, it's happening anyway. His sexual awakening does not obey your timetable, and it's hardly under his control, either. He needs your support and a safe environment NOW. Focus on giving him what he needs to make the right decisions. Don't try to suppress and limit him so that he can't get into trouble. That won't work, and it'll only strain his trust and respect for you.

Dan: You're ordinarilly so progressive. I'm gravely disappointed in you for being so prudish when it comes to, especially, gay teens and sex. "Being protective" won't protect anyone's gay son. And the way you put it is frankly, misogynistic and slut-shamey. Ignorance, unwanted pregnancy and STD are the problems, not responsible sex and intimacy. You approach teenage sexual activity as a disease that might be cured by supressing it's symptoms. Your advice is shockingly parallel to the quackery used to 'treat' homosexuality.
Oct 30, 2013 Keef commented on SL Letter of the Day: Take a Pass On This Pastor.
It sounds like CHRIST has actually held off on telling his FB acquaintance that he's straight and has a girlfriend. The old FBa is just trying to trap CHRIST, who he still assumes is gay, to finally admit it to him after many long years. Whereupon he will tell all his other old buddies, haw haw, that CHRIST hit on him in FB. I don't think it's genuine bi or gay-curiousnesness, but rather plain old malice.
Feb 18, 2013 Keef commented on SL Letter of the Day: The College Try.
@14: My eyes always pop when the latest scientific survey insists that there are even fewer homosexuals than the last one. I think we're down to 3 homosexuals per county now, so I don't know where all those thousands come from who are at the pride marches and fill the bars.

Current wisdom is that women toggle freely back and forth from lesbian and straight, but they're unique in this. And supposedly this phenomena isn't proper bisexuality. My gut instinct tells me that there are more bisexuals than gays+straights, though they suffer from cultural pressures and cannot bring themselves to identify as bi. Science suggests there are even fewer (male) bisexuals than there are gays!

When I think of all the guys I met in bars and slept with who insisted they were straight... I lose my confidence in surveys. My unscientific conclusion is that people with same-sex attraction and sexual experience are less willing to identify as gay or bi these days. My guess is that in earlier times, people didn't know that experimentation was common and normal. Any act you'd committed was proof you were queer. Now sexuality is becoming better known, people use it as an excuse to put off deciding. I wonder if we probed young men more deeply, would they admit to being "straight but a little freaky"?
Feb 18, 2013 Keef commented on SL Letter of the Day: The College Try.
Dan, you forgot to consider the possibility that the BF has shared his sleeping bag with a few hunky lads down under as well. Boys being boys, there may have been a few group loads shot upon the rocks of some mountaintop...
Feb 13, 2013 Keef commented on Savage Love.
My first boyfriend's mom let me sleep over and gave us all the privacy we wanted. And that was the right decision, because her son was safest when in his own home. She had the least to worry about.

Intruding upon and manipulating your kid's sex life can really make you a creep.

I also had a "sensitive" but straight friend who I would come home with after school to listen to music. His mother kept making him turn the music down (new-age music, can you believe it?) so I would close the door out of consideration. Then she kept bursting in like she expected to catch us in the act. Very creepy. I was nothing but respectful, and nothing ever happened... but bitch banned me from the house. Funny thing was, he later ran away from home and lived with me 2 weeks; nothing ever happened. He later got married, had kids.

DUD should just sit down with his son and say "hey, I just remembered what it was like to be 14. Here's a carton of condoms. You WILL use them if you have intercourse with anyone. Go find a tutorial on the web about the proper way to roll one on. I've seen your web history, so I know you know how to find what you want there. Other than that, you're free to make your own choices. I raised you, and I know that you will make responsible choices. And set a good example for your buds. I want you to know I've got your back, no matter what. Now, are you hanging out with Gomer tonight, or do you have time to go out for a pizza with your old man?". And don't bring it up again unless there seems to be a crisis arising.