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May 1, 2013 DrReality commented on Savage Love.
"I know that during the time we dated, she faked orgasms with me. She didn't have one with me until she introduced a vibrator the year I was having emotionless sex with her after the breakup."

I find it hilarious that HIM felt this was something he needed to "forgive" his ex for. Chances are HIM sucks in bed because he's such a narcissist he's oblivious to his partner's needs. Or, perhaps his ex is just one of those women who needs a vibrator, in which case he's a double asshole by complaining about how she introduced a vibrator so she could get something out of their EMOTIONLESS SEX. Oh yes, she really betrayed you there, didn't she? I wouldn't be surprised if he's the sort to be taken with the idea of his own magic penis. He probably believes true "soulmates" have orgasms just by looking at each other.
Feb 6, 2013 DrReality commented on Savage Love.
Rules are absolutely essential for CUCK and his girlfriend (current or future). It sounds like he only barely understands his own fetish. Even before I got to Dan's answer, I was confused about why he was also seeking sex outside the relationship if cuckolding is what he's after.

My guess is that since he discovered his kink "accidentally," he hasn't done much research or looked at what others do, just tried to piece it together based on the idea that cheating is hot. Whether or not he wants a poly or open relationship is a question he needs to figure out separately from the cuckolding question. Not only does he need to figure out if he wants to be open or poly or not, he also needs to figure out if he wants whatever open or poly rules to apply to him if he goes in that direction.

It's possible that once he told his GF he was into cuckolding, she did her own research on it and figured he would really like it if she "cheated" without him knowing, and when that's not how it went she felt bad. Or it's possible that once she met the OK cupid guy, she realized she liked him better and he came with less confusion than CUCK. Or she could simply be confused as fuck, as we all clearly are by CUCK's story.
Jan 31, 2013 DrReality commented on I, Anonymous.
I guess I have to be one of the few other than 7 who agrees with anon. It's one thing being cute and snuggly with your boyfriend, it's totally another when your "cute" behavior impairs your ability to interact with the rest of the world. This is only acceptable MAYBE when 1 is the first digit of your age. After that, if you want to nuzzle and kiss your boyfriend in public whatever, but at least don't hold up the freaking coffee line so you can show everyone how in LUUUV you are.

Is it possible that something else is going on, like 11 suggests? Of course. Is it probable? No. It sounds like anon has seen this pair enough times to know whether it's part of the cute act or a real issue.
Jan 31, 2013 DrReality commented on I, Anonymous.
"how selfish you were in bed if you had not insisted on talking about previous guys you had slept with and how many of them went on to do fabulous things."

Anon might think it was all worth it if he would just put two and two together and realize he just got blessed by a magic luck vagina. Sure, it was attached to a crazy person, but now you get three wishes.
Jan 21, 2013 DrReality commented on SL Letter of the Day: She's a Very Kinky Girl.
I remember this column when it first ran, and what Dan's mom said about the douchebags with hidden tattoos and peircings stuck with me. Now everytime I found myself around an unremarkable guy who thinks he's a serious bad ass because he has some half-sleeves, I snicker to myself and think of that line.
Dec 12, 2012 DrReality commented on Savage Love.
@7 - I'm just waiting for some special snowflakes to come out of the woodwork and get on your case for suggesting that exclusivity might not be as damaging for their twue poly souls as living a hetero life would be for a gay person. It's coming. Unless even the special snowflakes have gotten tired of this debate, but then again, do they ever?

Note to all sexual minority groups everywhere: Don't you think we should spend our time fighting real fights, like marriage equality and other human rights, rather than bitching at our allies about offending our sensibilities by not mindreading what terminology we personally would prefer at any given moment? Just a thought. Radical, I know!
Nov 29, 2012 DrReality commented on Savage Love.
@32 "If all people are naturally non-monogamous, then how do you explain those folks for whom non-monogamy makes them consistently miserable? Are those people somehow broken, Dan? Perhaps there's nothing in particular about a monogamous person that a good dose of reparative therapy won't cure?"

I think that a simple perusal of other cultures will show that relationship models are pretty much cultural in nature. That does NOT mean that they aren't valid relationship styles, but let's call them what they are. There's too much of a tendency these days for people to want to make EVERYTHING an orientation because they think it makes their position more valid. Let's get out of that mindset, call things what they are and still see them as valid.

In Tibet, polyandry is common. If a woman didn't have multiple husbands (all brothers!), maybe she'd feel miserable, and maybe a man who wasn't sharing a wife with his brothers would feel miserable. Does that make it an orientation? No. In our society, monogamy is the norm, therefore it's fully reasonable for some people to feel miserable if their relationship doesn't reflect that. Similarly, monogamy has never been easy for humans, so it also makes sense that some would feel miserable being monogamous.

There's a lot of reasons to not want to be poly, or not want to be mono. I would be miserable being poly because as an introvert, one person is about all I can devote my time to and remain sane. Yet I know it would be possible for me to fuck another person, so I'm not going to claim monogamy is an orientation for me. Similarly, for every person who says non-monogamy would make them miserable because they don't want to share or whatever other reason, I'm pretty sure that most any of them would if honest admit to feeling sexual attraction to other people while in a relationship. It does not require having any real desire to act on that impulse to invalidate monogamy as an orientation. That would be like saying a bisexual in a relationship with the opposite sex is no longer bi, because they aren't acting on their attraction to both sexes. Unless your ability to feel even casual attraction turns off once you have a partner, monogamy isn't an orientation. Polyamory isn't either, because even if our natural impulse is to fuck many people, it's still a relationship model since fucking many people is not the same as having deep, committed relationships to multiple partners.
Nov 21, 2012 DrReality commented on Savage Love.
It is possible for a monogamous person and a poly person to have a successful relationship (more on that later), but not if it's built on the idea that one person will change.

@39: Identity and orientation are two different things, though they generally overlap. I think anyone who considers themselves poly is "identifying" as poly since they are using that word to describe themselves. The question is whether it's an orientation in the same way that gay, straight or bi is. I personally think it muddies the waters to call it an orientation, even though it can most certainly be an identity. To use your nerd example, identifying as a nerd is valid, but I would raise an eyebrow if you claimed nerd was an orientation you were born with.

I have to agree with post 14 and heavily disagree with 6. Even if poly were an orientation, it's just silly talk to encourage pursuing a relationship based on the idea that someone else would change. Hell, it's even MORE ridiculous if it's considered an orientation. That would mean being monogamous was an orientation as well, which would make this whole situation akin to suggesting a straight man with a crush on a lesbian just needs to introduce the idea of loving penis to her slowly. But oh wait, some people DO suggest that. :p

This woman has made it clear that she's monogamous, and he's made it clear that he's poly. That is GREAT and more people need to do that in relationships. But people are often reluctant to act on the clear consequence of that kind of honesty - if a compromise cannot be reached that works for both, that means that you are NOT compatable. Be mature and break up, rather than basing a relationship on an emotional lie until it's forced to end in hurt (cheating) or you've done something dumb like get married and have kids with this basic incompatability hovering over your head.

I mentioned in the beginning that it IS possible for a mono/poly pairing to work, but it is 100% dependent on the psychology of the people involved. I know this is true because I am monogamous and my partner is poly, and we've been together for 12 years. What makes us work is that he respects what rules I do have (which are minor), and I really don't feel threatened by other partners because I know I fuck him the best and he lives with me. Rules help, but both partners have to be mature and comfortable about them, not throw a hissy fit about their freedom being impeded OR create rules too strict to realistically work. Last but not least, as a gay man, that probably makes my feelings about relationships pretty different from a straight gal who's been sent powerful cultural messages about what love means all her life. Not to say that it couldn't work with straight relationships, but just that there might be a lot more boundaries to cross for a mono woman to get comfortable with a poly man.
Oct 10, 2012 DrReality commented on Savage Love.
Like several others, I have to conclude that Dan didn't think this through when he suggested to lie to the BF. If your boyfriend being pro choice bothers you deeply enough to question the validity of your relationship, then in the very least it requires a frank discussion. Lying in a no-win scenario here, honesty is required.

How about sitting him down and just saying something like, "After I learned you were anti-abortion, I started to have serious questions about this relationship. This issue is very important to me, and it's difficult for me to just agree to disagree because it has a very real possibility of impacting my life and our relationship at some point." Then go on to explain how regardless of personhood, being anti-abortion takes away your own right to living your life and control of your body. Don't get into a heated debate if you can, focus on the emotional content of what you're saying, so that rather than being stuck on politics he understands how this directly affects YOU on a real, personal level. Then make it very clear to him that you will accept no less than full control of your own body and life in this relationship, and that even if his views stay the same, that by remaining in a relationship with you he is agreeing to allow you control over your body.

This isn't fool proof, he might just say what you want to hear to get you to stay, or believe that if it came down to it he could convince you otherwise. But, it's the best chance you have, and if you're good at reading people at all, even if he lies you have a good chance of sensing something is off with him.
Aug 15, 2012 DrReality commented on Savage Love.
@12 & 20: Surely there's enough pundit to go around. How about a nice foursome? And can he wear the naval admiral's outfit he's been wearing for Stephest Colbchella?