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Oct 15, 2013 14thblackbird commented on Savage Love.
@10 - Whether or not the other woman owes CACAS an apology, and whether or not she actually does apologize, shouldn't have anything to do with CACAS forgiving or not forgiving her boyfriend. This isn't an ultimatum that CACAS should make of the boyfriend - the boyfriend isn't in charge of his friend's wife's actions, and can't make her apologize.

If CACAS and the other woman have a social relationship, they may need to work it out on their own. But it's not the boyfriend's job to negotiate that treaty, only to work out his own relationship with CACAS.
Jul 24, 2013 14thblackbird commented on Savage Love.
@36, my take on why Dan brought up the amount of sex the LW is having with his wife is that he wanted to point out the health risks to the wife. If the LW and wife only had sex every six months or so, then the odds of the LW passing on an STD he acquired while cheating would be a lot lower - and he could get tested regularly to make sure he didn't have something asymptomatically. However, you can be infectious before you have any symptoms yourself, and even before a test will turn up positive. If the LW catches something from one of his "extracurriculars" and then has sex with his wife a few days later, he could give it to her unknowingly.

I don't think Dan's saying, "You have a lot of sex and that should be good enough" - I think he's saying, "You have a lot of sex, which means you're putting your wife at a lot of risk and that's not cool."
May 23, 2013 14thblackbird commented on Savage Love.
Yes to Eddie Izzard. Or go rent Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. It's an excellent film as well as being full of men in dresses.
May 14, 2013 14thblackbird commented on Savage Love.
@4 - Yeah, but there's a big difference between an 18-year-old and a 13-year-old. By that point, he'll also have easy access to alcohol, pot, and all manner of other things. That doesn't mean that parents of 13-year-olds should throw up their hands and say, "He'll have that eventually anyway!" and go out and buy their kid a handle of vodka and some weed. Instead, they should spend the time while they still have their kid around instilling ideas about how to make thoughtful choices about all these things.
May 11, 2013 14thblackbird commented on SL Letter of the Day: I'm Out.
I'm reminded of the conversation I had with a relative over the holidays last year where he argued that the N-word was actually okay to use because, to him, "N***** doesn't mean a black person... you can be black but not be a n***** or even be not black but still act like a n*****. It means more of a lazy, good-for-nothing person, and to me it doesn't really have to do with race."

I had a frustrating time trying to convince this (white) relative that maybe that's the definition he's constructed in his head... but he definitely can't count on anyone around him having the same definition.
May 3, 2013 14thblackbird commented on SL Letter of the Day: Mr. Wonderful.
VAG, I feel really worried for you right now. The sentence that leapt out at me the most: "He is not a horrible person; he just has a mental illness (alcoholism), and he has been trying so hard to get better, but it is difficult for him."

What is he doing to try to get better? Is he in counseling for addition? For depression? Does he go to AA or another support group? Is he having an ongoing, active conversation with his physician about these health issues? Or is he just telling you, "I'm trying SO HARD, but it's difficult"? Because if it's the latter... actions speak louder than words. He might be a great guy if he weren't an alcoholic. But right now, he *is* an alcoholic, and an active one.

Imagine if you were dating a werewolf. 27 days of the month, he is sweet and kind, but on the full moon he turns into a monster and lashes out at everything around him. Imagine there are some treatments for werewolfism... but he's not pursuing them. He doesn't take precautions to keep you from having to interact with him when he's a wolf. Instead, he tells you how very hard it is to be a werewolf, and rages around frightening you during the full moons, and tells you that if only you did something differently maybe he wouldn't turn into a wolf.

It wouldn't matter if he was nice to you the other 27 days. That one day a month would be a dealbreaker. In fact, he'd be showing you that he isn't actually all that perfect when he's not a wolf - because he's not doing anything then to protect you from the monster he sometimes is.

Run, VAG. Run.
May 1, 2013 14thblackbird commented on SL Letter of the Day: Kids Today.
There's also the possibility, if these two exchanged photos but didn't video chat or anything (was video chat even a thing in 2005?), that the photos of the other guy weren't actually a good representation of his true appearance - anything from using the very best photo ever taken of himself even though it was five years ago, to just flat-out using someone else's photo.
Apr 10, 2013 14thblackbird commented on Today in Legislative Developments.
Not that it is not also Totally Awesome for Uruguay to legalize gay marriage. Just it would be mindblowingly fantastic for Uganda to do such a complete 180...
Apr 10, 2013 14thblackbird commented on Today in Legislative Developments.
Damn it, at first glance I misread "Uruguay" as "Uganda," and thought it was Crazy Yet Totally Awesome Day.
Feb 26, 2013 14thblackbird commented on Savage Love.
Waiting for those pictures, Dan!