Jan 9, 2015 pb1230 commented on Savage Love.
@Zbot 146

Good assessment as flawed logic.

His starting premise is that the things she wants are solely actions. He fails to see that she also wants HIS desire for SOMETHING. He only views "wants" as tangible actions, words, or scenarios, but feelings can also be wants.

He said that if she wants something she can just ask - well she did, she wants to know to what his fantasies are and what things he'd prefer to do at that given moment. Knowing and acting on the things your partner wants can also be sexually arousing and gratifying.
Jan 8, 2015 pb1230 commented on Savage Love.
Just being present and amiable does not convey interest
Jan 8, 2015 pb1230 commented on Savage Love.
Another thought for MMM

Being sexually passive (nothing wrong with that) in the absence of clear communication/articulation comes off as disinterest. This is probably why MMM's girlfriend questions his libido and attraction to her.

If you're not naturally active and assertive sexually, you probably need to compensate with more and better communication.
Jan 7, 2015 pb1230 commented on Savage Love.
I took MMM's girlfriend a different way.

Perhaps she's not wanting to get something - dirty talk or be dominated or whatever, but is just looking for more connection and communication.

Maybe her frustration is not about him lacking her same sexual needs and desires. What he's doing sounds a lot like the sexual equivalent of responding to the question "How's your day been?" by just saying "Fine."

Imagine trying to have a conversation with someone that is pleasant and good natured but has no real hobbies or opinions, replies with a single sentence, and never asks questions of their own.

Jan 7, 2015 pb1230 commented on SL Letter of the Day: Basic Bastards.
@12 had a great contribution.

Willingness to reflect on your poor words and actions and then change attitude is perhaps something that is more important than already being a "feminist"
Oct 22, 2014 pb1230 commented on Savage Love.
I have had multiple loud neighbors in the past and generally it has never been much of a problem for me (usually enjoyed it a little in fact). The only real problem I have had is when it keeps me from sleeping, especially on a frequent basis.

So I think the most important considerations would be time of day and duration of being loud. If you just have a few momentary outbursts of loudness, then I'd put it in the category of a police siren driving by and not much of a deal when it occurs. If its loud for longer periods (which is the impression I get from SOUND), then my recommendation would be to try to get it on before 10 pm on weeknights and before midnight on weekends.

The one time I had a real issue was when a neighbor was having loud sex for an hour or more between midnight and 4 am multiple nights a week. To me sex is just like any other polite sound consideration - if you wouldn't have your TV or music on that loud at that time of day, then you probably shouldn't have sex the same way.
Sep 25, 2014 pb1230 commented on Savage Love.
Also, while OPEN should have been more explicit with what he was comfortable with his wife doing before opening up, the wife should also have been more explicit with what she wanted and/or would be seeking if and when she ventured out.

Ultimately, both lacked the communication skills to negotiate an open relationship.
Sep 25, 2014 pb1230 commented on Savage Love.
To me it seems as though both had different views on what their open relationship looked like. And OPEN didn't get to see his wife's view of it until a year later.

I wonder what would have happened if the wife would have starting sleeping with multiple partners at the beginning of the open relationship? I'm guessing that OPEN may have wanted to call it off and probably would have had the leverage to do so because they were out there together. But since he had his thing for a year and she's still in the early stages, he's now feeling guilty for wanting her to stop, and is just looking for advice on how to negotiate.

What he needs to say

"I can't hold it against you for having multiple partners over a short time span since that was never explicitly ruled out, but I'm telling you now that it makes me uncomfortable. For this open relationship to continue, we are going to have to negotiate some ground rules"

Sep 19, 2014 pb1230 commented on It Is a Terrible and Traumatizing Thing to Be Raped.
@33 - who's suggesting that its more important than dealing with rape?

I think the discussion is trying to determine what legitimate recourse a person has in the rare instances of false accusations.

Dealing with rape and dealing with false accusations don't have to be mutually exclusive.
Sep 18, 2014 pb1230 commented on Savage Love.
I wouldn't say that bisexual women open to threesomes are "easy" to find, just much "easier" to find than those that are open to being a poly third.