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Mar 12, 2013 KittyWrangler commented on Savage Love.
LW3 should tell the racist guy online and *do not* out any info about how to find him / her in meatspace, if he/she hasn't already. To answer the question, NO DO NOT SHOW UP IN PERSON AND HOPE FOR THE BEST. This person could flip their shit and get dangerous!

Consider that 1. the racist has trained himself to dehumanize non-white people, 2. the racist could experience the race reveal as a humiliation or betrayal, 3. he may combine racist something-to-prove revenge with batshit angry lover behavior, and 4. the LW has never witnessed this person reacting to shock or anger in person and has no idea what they are like.
Mar 6, 2013 KittyWrangler commented on SL Letter of the Day: You've Been Dumped, Dude.
It sounds to me like this girl is communicating pretty readily. She limited the time they spend together-- which could be a purposeful slow suffocation of the relationship, or a good-faith effort to fix what she honestly thought was a problem, depending how you look at it. Then she gave a list of pretty specific Problems With This Relationship. The LW takes it as a list of "suggestions." Finally, all of her "admissions" are reversals where she takes responsibility for problems that are clearly his, probably as a way of softening the blow of telling him, "these are your problems." Such as "I feel guilty for making you feel guilty for always pressuring me into having sex," which means, "stop pressuring me into having sex already." "I'm not a great communicator" probably meaning, "you're not understanding anything coming out of my mouth" (which, let's face it, he isn't).

I'm not saying she's communicating in an ideal way-- very few people do when they're young-- but she is communicating nonetheless. LW sounds like he wants everything to be communicated on exactly his terms which, admittedly, most people do, but that just isn't going to work because his terms seem to include not wanting to hear the truth. For example, she already gave him the list of reasons they broke up, but he took them as suggestions and now wants to know why they broke up. And it sounds like she wanted him to surprise her ("shake things up"), and then he handed all the decision-making over to her so she had to unilaterally decide exactly how and when they would "shake things up." And then he noted that she wasn't thrilled to be making those decisions, but didn't put two & two together.

You can't negotiate your way out of a breakup, LW. Lots of phrases in your letter sound like a court of law: "we did 1 session of yoga together, as she suggested, on Thursday February 28th," "Weeks before she placed limits on the amount of time I spent with her," "I can't reconcile my needs with hers at this juncture." I'm guessing that arguing with you, or telling you something you don't want to hear, is a lot like arguing with a lawyer, which is notoriously difficult, and could be the reason she (and future girlfriends) don't want to express their frustrations. The simplest way to fix that problem is to BE A GOOD LISTENER. That means letting the other person say what they need to say, asking questions to help them explain, and expressing that you appreciate that they told you what's on their mind. Then sit with it for a while on your own, and THEN try to work on the problem. It sounds like you weren't very good at hearing what your GF was saying and not what you wanted her to be saying, but it does sound like you're able to hear your siblings, and it sounds like they're giving you pretty good advice already.
Mar 4, 2013 KittyWrangler commented on Savage Love.
@178 Wouldn't that be "androgynomorphophiles"?
Aug 29, 2012 KittyWrangler commented on Savage Love.
Or, what The Notorious B.E.N. said before I refreshed.
Aug 29, 2012 KittyWrangler commented on Savage Love.
@avast2006 - but just because she did nothing wrong, doesn't mean he didn't experience rape. Rape isn't about the intent of either party, it's about consent at the time of sex, and unconscious people cannot consent. Period. As I said above, other people who could conceivably initiate but who cannot consent: kids and people who are drugged but not unconscious.
Aug 29, 2012 KittyWrangler commented on Savage Love.
Wha?? RAPIST's SO wasn't raped? HE DIDN'T CONSENT! I don't believe "RAPIST" is guilty or should feel guilty at all, but his or her intent has nothing to do with the SO's experience. SO experienced sex without his consent and an explanation that would be a red flag for a lying abuser in most cases (were it not true, and I believe RAPIST). Initiating WITHOUT CONSENT doesn't change anything; victims who are minors or so drunk / drugged they're just short of unconscious can initiate but cannot consent, for example.

Like it or not, we can't just turn our feelings off when it's convenient, just as SOS can't turn off her feelings even though she knows it's not her husband's fault. That doesn't necessarily make him a blaming, guilt-tripping POS.
Aug 3, 2012 KittyWrangler commented on Savage Love.
"Chick-fil-A" hee hee!

@STRAP- I'm surprised Dan didn't mention that if you buy yourself a strap-on BEFORE your next relationship, with your own funds on your own time, that strap-on is and would be seen as your property by your subsequent girlfriends. Write you name on it :) And people generally enter and leave casual relationships with their property intact. As for the strap-on you and your current SO buy together, que sera, sera. There is considerable pleasure to be had in the freedom and ability to give gifts to others, so just this once, enjoy it.
Jul 25, 2012 KittyWrangler commented on Savage Love.
Jul 25, 2012 KittyWrangler commented on Savage Love.
@seeker, EricaP re: condoms and divorce

Actually my first thought was that as the man becomes less appealing to the woman, for whatever reason, she wants to make damn sure she doesn't get pregnant with his child. Especially if a divorce is a possibility.

I'm married and use condoms and have no intention of divorcing my husband.
Jul 25, 2012 KittyWrangler commented on Savage Love.
"A lot of women here couldn't give a damn for this point of view because--"

Ok, I totally though you were going to say, "because women are the ones who risk getting pregnant." Which would have made sense. Instead:

"--they are not the ones who lose sensation, but the truth is that condomless sex feels so much better to most guys, not just psychologically but also physically. Ladies, how would you feel if you had to put a glove on your clit that inhibited your enjoyment and possibly your ability to orgasm?"

You know what inhibits my enjoyment and possibly my orgasm? Being terrified of getting pregnant or getting an STD while I'm having sex. It sure makes it difficult to be intimate while being paranoid about disastrous consequences AND knowing I'm fucking some dude who doesn't give a shit about me and my health. You know what else inhibits my sexual enjoyment? The ensuing STI, pregnancy, childbirth and 20 years of intensive parenting.

"Most monogamous gay guys I know, including myself, get tested a couple of times over a 6 month period and then don't use condoms any more." Yeah Einstein, you can't get pregnant.

That goes for you too, Old Dude. Sheesh.