commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Snooper Boyfriend Keeps Snooping Through Passed Out Girlfriend's Phone
BiDanFan got it @31 and nocutename got it @38. (I like the fish analogy. And the banana.)
Non-monogamy seems to work fine for many gay male couples, enough that it might even be more commonly practiced than monogamy. Apparently it works well for Dan (or he's trying really hard to convince himself - or Terry - that it does). But most people in the world at large aren't comfortable with the idea of a non-monogamous relationship, by temperament or otherwise, just as the majority of people wouldn't be comfortable with exchanging their heterosexual relationship for a homosexual relationship. Suggesting that an unusual solution that worked for you is likely to work for people who are different from you, in a different situation than yours, is bizarrely unhelpful.
Some non-monogamous people do seem to be color blind when it comes to monogamy. "Good communication and emotional support" *are* important - does texting a potential hookup while pretending to be monogamous, stonewalling, rejecting your partner sexually, failing to initiate yourself, and complaining about lack of sex indicate that either of those things is remotely present? No. Nor does snooping in your partner's phone or trying to catch them in the act of cheating. Non-monogamy is almost never the magic bullet for a situation like this - instead it's much more likely to turn the drama up to 11.
There's far better advice given in almost every comment in this thread. My guess is that usedtobeotter2 @5 is right: she's trying to get him to end it for her, in which case he should take the hint and GTFO. But I'm more curious about Dan's problem than the LW's. Is he feeling ornery? Is he fed up with answering questions that have obvious answers? Is he posting drunk again? Is he trolling the commenters here? Is he unhappy in his personal life? Does he need a sabbatical? Or is he just broken by the Cheetoh Nazi? I'm going to assume he was just being a smartass since this relationship sounds pretty unsalvageable. So I responded in kind.
(If you're trying to read my comment as homophobic, you may be projecting, you aren't paying attention, or you're looking for enemies you don't have.)
commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Newly Engageed Woman Debates Confessing Bullshit "Infidelity" Or Keeping Mouth Shut
If (as Dan says, and pretty much everyone agrees) it was no big deal and no threat to the relationship, then (*unlike* Dan says, but as some wiser commenters here recognize), it should *also* be no big deal to confess it. If you can't do that, or your fiancé can't handle that, that should tell you something about the quality of this relationship and what kind of stresses it can tolerate. Because this is really a lot of nothing. Just don't tell your fiancé that, give him the chance to tell you that.
Dec 23, 2016
commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: New To America & Ready To Get Laid
@10 has good advice. Don't bother with apps or bars until you've made some platonic female friends so you can get comfortable interacting with American women in a low or zero expectations context. They can also give you dating advice and introduce you to friends of theirs when you're ready, and vouch for you once you've shown yourself to be trustworthy and considerate. Going straight for the girlfriend before building yourself a support network is a good way to crash and burn (or end up in an unhealthy relationship).
Dec 23, 2016
commented on Savage Love
@43: Right on, thank you.
For many (if not most) people, genitals are definitely not a "superficial preference" and anyone who claims that they should be is engaging in some self-serving projection of their own desires. Just like those poor advisors called out @10.