DrJamesIncandenza
report this user
Apr 9, 2014 DrJamesIncandenza commented on Eighty-Six Sixty Nine!.
The bio: "Susan Elizabeth Shepard holds a DGaF in Strippers' Studies. Charlotte Shane is a sexual justice activist working to end the reign of fuckboys on Twitter." suggests parody. Thank god.
May 21, 2013 DrJamesIncandenza commented on Savage Love.
I think Dan gives WSN a bit of a pass on this. There are two things that jump out at me about her letter: "things went further than I wanted" and "Once I understood what had happened, I felt violated". It sounds like she's got some deeply embedded sex-negative ideas because at no point does it sound like she told her BF to stop (or gave him a priori instructions). More importantly, it is *his pleasure* that makes this a difficult experience for her. If he hadn't let on that he had had an orgasm, she would have been ok with it? Intention counts for something, but here it seems like she would have been perfectly ok with the experience if he hadn't have come. That's not someone taking advantage of you, that's just part of mutual sexual exploration. He's a shit because he got overexcited and ejactulated? Would he have a right to be upset if, through the rubbing against each other (what the hell did she think the rubbing was if not dry humping? trying to keep warm?) *she* had had an orgasm? The thought is ludicrous. So while I'm firmly in the camp of "ask permission for everything and consent is sexy", there is no way that she can reasonably claim any sort of violation without exposing some very dodgy, shame-inducing, sex-negative views.
More...
Apr 23, 2013 DrJamesIncandenza commented on SL Letter of the Day: Mate Or Mat?.
I'm shocked at how many people thing TED's letter is fake. Consider this: I was an Ivy League educated, good-looking (though bald), well-dressed, successful man in his late 30s and I was in pretty much the same situation.

I asked. I requested. I begged. I pleaded. But so low was my wife's desire and so deep was her shame about sex that I could never even get as much as a single sentence about what she liked/wanted. While she would deign to throw a pity fuck at me every other month or so, her shame rubbed off on me because she so obviously didn't want to be doing it. And, because of the children (and other reasons owing to my own upbringing), I would have never left until they went to college (which is still some time off). So when she started an affair with someone else, in spite of all the misery (much of which was non-sexual, as well), I was devastated. Seriously devastated. We're talking suicidal ideation and planning.

I was very lucky to then meet a woman who actually knew how to express love both verbally and sexually, who made me feel wanted in a way I hadn't in 12 years of marriage. Though that relationship didn't last, it did make me realise how important sex is (I'd thought, being a smart guy, I was 'above' such base concerns) and how central to my happiness it is. Now I've got a partner who is the definition of GGG and though we have our issues both in and out of the bedroom, we have a fantastic sex life. So I understand why you don't leave, why you stay even when you're miserable, and how 5 years can turn into 20. At the same time, though, TED has to know that this marriage can't be saved and there is one and only one way out of this situation: DTMFA.
More...
Feb 28, 2013 DrJamesIncandenza commented on David Bowie + Tilda Swinton = Stars Forever?.
I've wanted to be David Bowie since I was 9. Senior Bowie isn't doing anything to change that.
Feb 28, 2013 DrJamesIncandenza commented on Lindy West Blows Up My Interwebs Again.
I'm sympathetic to West's point, but, to use an old homiletic dictum "you have to damn them before you can save them." I get that it can be incredibly frustrating to deal with intentionally blind sexists that can't see what is seemingly right in front of their faces. However, if a person (usually a man but sometimes a woman) doesn't believe that sexism is rampant, telling them to do their own research is pointless. Why would they do their research on something that they don't think exists? So, as tiresome as it is, if you want to be an effective voice for feminism, you have to come up with something a little more compelling than "do your own research." I've actually got a handful of examples I use with students (and others) of male privilege. They are not hard to find. Privilege is notoriously hard to point out to those that have it (I was 30 before I really saw it), but being dismissive and disengaged from people of good faith who honestly just don't see it isn't going to do anyone any good.
Feb 12, 2013 DrJamesIncandenza commented on The Oncoming Republican Mess in Florida.
#3: You will notice that only 1/3 of your listed also-rans actually won.
Jan 8, 2013 DrJamesIncandenza commented on When Gay-Slur-Using Seattle Sounder Marc Burch Came to Play With My Gay Soccer Club.
#4: It's an American thing. The rest of us call them "friendlies", though in this case what is actually meant is a pickup game or a kickabout. Remember, they also call pointy-egg-carry-ball "football" and football "soccer". It's a confused nation.
Nov 8, 2012 DrJamesIncandenza commented on The Immorality of the Republicans.
#23/24, you didn't take intro to philosophy *or* intro to logic, did you? There's no reason that labeling the beliefs of half the country immoral might be immoral itself. Over half the populace at one time thought slavery was morally A-OK. If the shoe fits...

And the only way your first comment makes sense is if you take away the benefits of marriage for *everyone*, due to the equal protection clause.
Jul 2, 2012 DrJamesIncandenza commented on Are You a Queer Women Who Dates "Women and Trans Men"?.
I've just read through the comments above and was shocked to see how much time I'd lost to the exercise.

I have to admit to a certain personal fascination to any prescriptive claims regarding sexual attraction. One of the most heated arguments I ever had came with a close friend (academic gender theorist, natch) who claimed that my "privileging" attractive women was sexist, anti-egalitarian, and generally just propping up patriarchy. That has always seemed like horseshit to me, mostly because I've always been attracted to exactly the same kind of woman, and if it's "socially constructed," it's pretty damn durable in the face of many powerful incentives to widen my field (e.g., getting laid more). And although I'm a sample of one, the way most other people talk about types and attraction leads me to believe that most people have a paradigm (or set of paradigms) of what they find attractive and that's how they are going to determine whom to pursue romantically or sexually, ceteris paribus. No amount of gender/queer/feminist browbeating is going to change that, although I'm wondering now if the reason that its mostly young women who are making these arguments because they are, comparatively, more flexible in this respect than men (just a hypothesis).

Sorry, that was a massive aside. My real point: According to studies I've found, somewhere between .02% and .005% of people are trans, yet we (and by we in this case I mean Dan) spend a *ridiculous* amount of time talking about/defending ourselves against claims of phobia against/working our way into verbal knots to avoid offending/ trans people. Should we be respectful of the gender people feel they are, rather than the sex they were born? Absolutely. Should we protect trans people from all forms of bigotry and transpobia? Of course. But do we need to be spending so goddamn much time talking about a relatively rare phenomenon? Take a look at this following quote from a recent journal article, and tell me you think spinning lots and lots of cycles considering whether prescriptive transgender attraction is really a good use of our time:

[In a study of women in the U.S.] most frequently reported concerns were lack of interest (87.2%), difficulty with orgasm (83.3%), inadequate lubrication (74.7%), dyspareunia (71.7%), body image concerns (68.5%), unmet sexual needs (67.2%), and needing information about sexual issues (63.4%). More than half reported concerns about physical or sexual abuse, and more than 40% reported sexual coercion at some point in their lives."

So, by my reckoning, and only purely utilitarian grounds, for every minute we spend talking about trans folks, we should probably spend 800 minutes talking about the fact that so many women have felt sexually coerced.
More...
Jul 2, 2012 DrJamesIncandenza commented on What a Piece of Work Is Man.
OuterCow: Just because he makes one crap argument doesn't say anything about his other arguments: they have to be taken on their own merit. Take, for example, Jonathan Haidt. Brilliant social psychologist, ridiculous political theorist. And thanks for the second link...very helpful to have that balance. And I totally agree with you about Bering's religion argument. His conclusion doesn't follow. There could be lots of other factors at play.