I feel for you, Christopher; but no matter what New-York-Krypto-hub-lock-security-screw-lo-jack-what-not-security-thing-a-ma-jig you've got on your bike, it's going to be ripped off and/or generally abused if you leave it outside overnight in most public places in this (or any other) metro area. Hell, you're taking a chance leaving your bike locked up for more than two hours during the day anywhere in the UDistrict.
Take any complaints about city life to Charles. Then ask him about your kitchen.
Oh...I get it. Hipster irony.