Nov 18, 2014 bugdog commented on Savage Love.
k
Jun 28, 2013 bugdog commented on Savage Love.
@LW1

Do you blow fart bubbles? I can't think of a better way to blow a load, as it were.
Jan 30, 2013 bugdog commented on Savage Love.
"...then you may as well just start calling yourself spinster and get a cat now."

Thanks for that. I blew that swig of beer up my nose. Owww....

I'm really enjoying the thread about porn. My two bits:

Lying is never healthy for a relationship, and I would hope that SAD will find that the person at the other end of the "interactive porn" isn't a former lover. And to beat this dead horse further into the ground, good luck finding a guy that doesn't watch porn.

Having said all that, I watch porn for a variety of reasons. To be turned on, curiosity, self exploration, ad naseum. And there are times I want to do this alone. Not for some nefarious, deviant reason. I just don't want an audience. I don't feel like talking. Whatever. I'm that way about golf too. Sometimes I want to play with a foursome and enjoy the competition, interplay, conversation, and sometimes I just want to smack the ball around the forest and be left to my thoughts. The same can be said about nearly any activity. Sometimes you want other humans present, sometimes you need some space.

I think it's safe to say that SAD and her boyfriend are young and/or do not have a lot of experience in the arena of love and sex to date. Without all the details of the relationship to consider, I would argue that maybe the young boyfriend is just figuring his own shit out. I'm not condoning the subterfuge and lies. But from what I can divine from the letter, it's not hard to imagine that the boyfriend had no intent to harm anyone and was simply caught in the act of trying to hide his own insecurities. Maybe he's trying to achieve some sort of fluency in sexual vocabulary because he's totally into his girlfriend and wants to please her and is ashamed he isn't comfortable with his own understanding of himself and his own sexuality.

My advice to SAD, settle down and put things in perspective. If he's not interacting with an ex-lover, you have nothing to worry about. If you know this is true and you are still bothered by the situtation, then you need to have a serious adult talk with the guy about expectations and boundaries. If you can't do that, you're not ready for a sexual relationship.

And a comment on porn in general; I find that the people who are at ease with porn and their partner(s)' involvement in porn and sex in general, have.... surprise!... pretty healthy sex lives and relationships. Let me point out the very obvious here SAD... Dan's column exists because we're all interested in knocking down all the walls that inhibit open communication about sex and relationships. I'd suggest you start doing the same at home.

Bon Chance!
More...
Jul 4, 2012 bugdog commented on Savage Love.
@48

I think your advice has some value, I've had dogs my entire life, love dogs, and if there's any language I'm fluent in, it's Dog. (Thus my handle) You have to be adept at body language with dogs because there is no other alternative. However, that aside, I'm not trying to mate with a dog. And if you know anything about how dogs mate, that sure as hell ain't the approach that's going to work with most humans. Same is true with horses. They are wonderful animals and can teach you a lot about getting along with others in general. But the bottom line is, the human mating ritual is unique to humans, is a process of trial and error, and the results vary from one individual to another. You have to get out there and do your best, but you have to get in the game if you hope to win. Beyond that, it's anybody's guess. We can drift off into all sorts of cliches at this point. All I'm trying to say is that it's far too easy to assume your intentions are clear. Why not? If something is obvious to our own selves, why shouldn't it be obvious to others? But that's seldom the case. From my experience, flirtation is a mine field. When you bring your own expectations to someone else's intentions, well... sometimes you win, sometimes you get blown out of the water. And really, that's what dating is all about. You try to navigate the mine field, learn about each other, until one day you reach the point where you can have straight up conversations with each other and communicate without having to translate every sentence, nuance, or gesture. That's not me being negative. That's people getting to know people.

However, I think your suggestion that someone looking to meet a potential mate should go volunteer at the Humane Society is a great idea. It's got all the ingredients for a good time. The animals are fun, you meet fun and interesting people, you're making the world a better place, you're getting out in the world and getting some much needed exercise, and if you're lucky, you might find a companion to take home with you, human or otherwise.

It's all good!
More...
Jul 4, 2012 bugdog commented on Savage Love.
EricaP

I don't know if I'm a representative sample, as I don't engage in a lot of dating, but I'm not a big fan of flirtation as an end in itself. I'm not good at interpretting body language and once I'm lobotomized by hormones and adrenaline, any hope for a positive outcome goes out the window. Nothing is more devastating than thinking you've got your mojo working, going in for that first kiss, and she turns her head so you have to kiss her cheek. Ahh! Dagger to the heart! But I don't blame women for this. I guess I just need subtitles. Oddly enough, when I was younger and participated in a lot of single boy/girl group activities I was often accused of being a flirt, which always surprised me. I never felt that I was making an effort at flirting with the women, but apparently they saw it that way. If there's any point to this, I suppose it's that flirtation is in the eye of the beholder. Proceed with caution.
Dec 8, 2011 bugdog commented on Savage Love.
@EricaP
As someone who has always enjoyed your input, let me throw a little advice your way in the hopes that you find it useful. Full disclosure, I do not have kids of my own, but I have been in a long term relationship that involved a kid from a previous marriage and I’ve spent 10 years in higher education mentoring young adults making the transition from teen to full blown grown up. There is no “one size fits all” approach to every child on earth, but there are things that are truths assuming your children fall within the bell curve of “normal” behavior. First of all, as an adult/parent/mentor you should never dismiss the feelings of your children. Looking at their behavior from the vantage point of age, experience, and hopefully a little bit of wisdom, it is often too easy to dismiss a teenager’s discovering love as just a crush, or their anger at a friend for some perceived sleight on Facebook as the ramblings of a hormone addled, juvenile mind. But make no mistake, as inconsequential as these incidents may be in the big picture trajectory of life, these feelings are very much real and the intensity with which they are experienced should never be discounted. What kids need to know is that their parents are in their corner. They need to know that you will listen to their concerns. That does not mean, however, that you have to agree with them on every point.
This brings me to the second truth in child rearing. Kids need boundaries that are consistently and fairly enforced. As the parent it is up to you decide where the boundaries are, and they must be laid out in no uncertain terms. I’ve heard my friends from broken families lament that they didn’t have a dad to kick them in the ass when they needed it. I’ll leave it to the social workers out there to comment on rehabilitating criminals, but from the conversations I’ve had and the comments I’ve heard from people that land in jail, a common theme is that they lacked a strong disciplinarian in their lives. Don’t get me wrong, I’m as libertarian as they come. From my experience the thing that consistently works with the youngsters in my life is that it is essential to keep the rules to the absolute minimum, but strict enforcement of the rules makes them very real. Arbitrary enforcement of the rules tempts kids to go spelunking for boundaries. Consistent enforcement removes temptation.
The third truth is that is absolutely essential that kids learn to laugh at themselves and the world in general. I always love a laugh at my own expense and in this regard I always encourage the youngsters in my life to swing for the fences. It’s good to take chances and failure is always an option. As the late great Will Rodgers said, “Good judgment comes from experience, and most of that comes from bad judgment.”
Regardless of your stance on drugs it is incredibly important that your kids understand the repercussions of their actions. I think our nation’s drug laws are appalling, but that does not change the fact that they exist. As things stand, drug and alcohol related convictions at any age have vast and long lasting repercussions. All kinds of opportunities, from student loans to numerous forms of employment to name a few, are taken off the table with a drug conviction on your record. And in this day and age of digital record keeping, convictions will follow you into every aspect of your life for the rest of your life. As cool as our nation can be, there are still armies of people out there all too eager to brand a scarlet letter on your forehead.
Lastly, give your kids the benefit of the doubt. One thing about human nature in general, and kids in particular, is that people have an amazing ability to surprise the hell out me. Given the chance to kick ass, kids almost always do. I have no doubt you’ll butt heads with your kids, but if you conduct your home life in the same level headed manner as your thoughtful advice and observations, I see no reason for you to worry.

Cheers!

More...
Oct 26, 2011 bugdog commented on Savage Love.
UCSD Several years ago while attending a major university I felt the need to work through some issues with a counselor/therapist at the university health center. It was free to students and I found it to be much less uncomfortable than I imagined it might be. The problem I encountered was in no way related to confidentiality. My problem was that I was assigned arbitrarily to the next counselor available, who, as it turns out, was a graduate student at the same university working towards his degree as a psychologist. I wasn't concerned about running into him at a party, but that could certainly have been an outcome I might have had to face. He was a nice young man, very professional, and earnest. However, as he was also younger than me and "wet behind the ears," he didn't have much useful input to offer. I don't fault him for this. We all have to cut our teeth somewhere. My point is, if you decide to go this route, you may end up with a similarly young counselor at your health center and if you don't feel they are up to the task, do not hesitate to ask for a different counselor. You're there to get help. A good counselor or therapist will not take offense at your request to change therapists, and in fact may be able to recommend someone more suited to your situation. Good Luck!
More...
Jun 17, 2011 bugdog commented on Savage Love.
BUNNEH @ 151

Thanks for the response and clarification. I compliment your efforts. Asking for help is half the battle. I'm rooting for you and your wife!
Jun 15, 2011 bugdog commented on Savage Love.
Ankylosaur makes a great distinction between “caring for” and “being passionate about” regarding the nature of GGG. But to this I would add that adventurousness is not an all or nothing state of mind. I like to indulge the kinks and fantasies of my partners and of course enjoy being allowed to explore mine. I’m willing to tread on unfamiliar and/or uncomfortable ground in the spirit of adventure. But I won’t do BDSM. Even mild spanking is a huge turn-off to me due to the fact that *in my mind* this is an act of violence and I can’t mix what I perceive as violence with sex. If BDSM works for you, knock yourself out (not literally). I’m all for people finding their happiness in life. I have no idea if this is an issue for BUNNE, but it could be that there are some jungles his sense of adventure isn’t willing to explore. If you want to have sex on roller skates dressed up as the Easter Bunny, I’ll be there with bells on (literally). But if you want flogging involved, find somebody else. Ultimately the issue is compatibility. She likes BDSM, he doesn’t. Maybe he can train himself to like it. If not, GGG means bringing in a third. It sounds to me like BUNNE is simply coming to the realization that after all these years he can’t train himself to enjoy it and that there’s a fork looming in the road ahead.
More...
Jan 17, 2011 bugdog joined My Stranger Face