Helenka (also a Canuck)
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♥ As a Gemini, I acknowledge many dualities of which woman/child and bold/timid are but… more »

12:48 PM yesterday Helenka (also a Canuck) commented on Waking Up on Obama's Last Day.
@4
What did the penguins (plus researchers, etc.) on Antarctica ever do to deserve having their habitat bespoiled by the likes of these ... ughs.
Jan 6 Helenka (also a Canuck) commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Snooper Boyfriend Keeps Snooping Through Passed Out Girlfriend's Phone.
Lately, she's become more distant again and frequently asks why we aren't having sex as often as we used to—and I plainly bring up that she doesn't want to engage, or else she rejects my advances, and so nothing happens.


Um ... Dan and other commenters, this has been the "new normal" situation for the past TWO YEARS shortly after they moved in together and some unspecified (but obviously drastic) "life problems". BOTH of the people in this ice age relationship move at the speed of receding glaciars. To me it seems as if both people talk AT each other rather than WITH one another.

I feel conflicting emotions from the LW: he wants to catch her in the act (I don't think physically because ewww, just with verification that there was a hookup) AND he wants to have a relationship on an even keel (even if that boat is propped up on dry land).

If she asked him why they're not having sex and he gave her reasons, then WHY does she keep rejecting his advances. This sounds like something deeper that needs to be examined and might be eased if she figured out the answer to that problem first with solo counseling instead of possibly setting up a passive-aggressive relationship breakup - which is where I believe she's heading.
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Jan 2 Helenka (also a Canuck) commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Newly Engageed Woman Debates Confessing Bullshit "Infidelity" Or Keeping Mouth Shut.
Dear Floribama:

Further to what @13 wrote about relaxing influences, I wanted to suggest a very personal technique. Decades ago, I was very bothered by rudeness and insults from someone at work. When I found I was dragging those upsetting incidents home (because they were overwhelming my mind), I created a mantra of my own. All I would do is repeat three times: Get out of my head. Get out of my head. Get out of my head. And it worked!

You could try something similar, using words that feel powerful to you. Good luck!
Jan 2 Helenka (also a Canuck) commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Newly Engageed Woman Debates Confessing Bullshit "Infidelity" Or Keeping Mouth Shut.
Dear Floribama: Please stop sabotaging your own wedding - even if you're doing it subconsciously. Why would I say this? Because (if I'm right) you're most likely living with your fiancé or spending several nights a week with him - unless he works nights. If you continue not sleeping, he'll eventually notice and wonder whether you're having second thoughts: about the wedding or, worse, about him. He may come to believe there's something wrong with him and do one of two things: try harder to fix something that's not broken; or draw away from you because he's feeling unappreciated or confused.

With your lack of sleep eventually affecting your looks, alertness, and ability to cope with your daily routine, he could even come to the conclusion that you must be facing some severe health crisis.

Even though you're engaged and not married, sticking to the formula that straying sexually once or twice is so powerful that it MUST destroy an otherwise solid relationship that had already lasted years is precisely why Dan invented(?) the word "monogamish" and its noun form "monogamishamy". You don't need to rationalize that it was just making out i/o fucking, etc., etc. It happened In. The. Past. and that's where it should remain, its memory becoming fainter day by day.

You deserve to forgive yourself not only for your past (slight indiscretion IMO) but as emotional support to conduct your married life in the HERE and NOW.
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Jan 2 Helenka (also a Canuck) commented on Savage Love.
Dear Auntie Griz @73
Nope, haven't moved. Still, thankfully, in Canada. I was just away from this column. Stayed up all night on the 30th writing a story. Remained productive and sober on the 31st (I had one Tonic Water as my bubbly). Yesterday had church, writing, and catching up on FB.

I'm not familiar with cars. Is your VW the iconic "bug" style? That one I've always loved - and it's even a good fit for tall people! Anyway, I'll send you hope and perseverance in the face of adversity (whose name has only 5 letters) and trust that all of your pleasures will sustain you during these twelve months.
Dec 27, 2016 Helenka (also a Canuck) commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: He's Scalded By Assumptions Other Gay Men Make About Bald Men.
BALD's words conveyed both his general insecurity and the outrage of being - horrors - judged to be an over-the-hill gay man of THIRTY-FOUR. Is BALD in the habit of projecting his insecurity over being so close to that decrepit barrier (/sarcasm) because he also judges other gay men according to that ceiling? Only he could confirm that.

Look, BALD, you're bald and you can't change that - well, not without a lot of time, money and discomfort. But you can do a lot to convey WHO you want to be via clothing and accessories, so you won't be mistaken for a muscled leatherman (whether into rough sex or not) or - more horrors - a bouncer (is that classism creeping in?). I don't follow fashion these days, but you can probably find a bunch of images online of gay men dressed well for any occasion. Even magazines (IIRC). Match the models' builds with yours and superimpose a picture of your face/head. Assess how you look. But don't just be a copy cat. Add a unique touch to your look (an antique earring or watch?) to indicate that you're an individual.

Then go out. If you're still being mistyped in the places you've always frequented, then find new places and new people. You're in a cosmopolitan city, not an out-of-the-way hamlet. So there will always be new places and new people.
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Dec 26, 2016 Helenka (also a Canuck) commented on Savage Love.
Dear auntie grizelda @86
Oh, I'd do an exchange of our Canadian Trumpsters for American immigrants fleeing a bleak future in a heartbeat. In fact (and there has been thoughtful analysis of this in the past), I believe that one of the best things that EVER happened to Canada was the influx of American draft dodgers (and their girlfriends/SOs). They were well suited to adapt to the Canadian way of life, where - among other things - we don't go around judging people's patriotism because they don't place their hands on their hearts (I swear, that just looks so robotic), or insist the entire country be bound by the narrow constricts of one religion.
Dec 23, 2016 Helenka (also a Canuck) commented on Savage Love.
Uh ... regarding the foot fetish etymology, one doesn't change poly because that means many (as opposed to mono meaning one), one changes gamy ... perhaps to pedics (think of orthopedics). So, the new word might be "polypedics" - finding sexual arousal from many feet.

I guess we'd need to specify whether it's "polyandropedics" (male feet) or "polygynopedics" (female feet), to be precise. Now that I've invented some weird words, I think it's time for dessert with a painkillers chaser!
Dec 23, 2016 Helenka (also a Canuck) commented on Savage Love.
BDF @48
How about the straight woman whose husband comes out as transgender? It's generally viewed as acceptable for her to leave a spouse who no longer has a penis.
It's far more likely that the straight woman would be more unhappy to be married to someone who now feels and presents herself as a woman more than whether or not the spouse still has a penis, precisely because she's straight and originally married someone who had presented themselves as a biological male.
Dec 23, 2016 Helenka (also a Canuck) commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: New To America & Ready To Get Laid.
I'm surprised that neither Dan nor any of the commenters so far have addressed the possibility that NAIVE has any factual (rather than porn or gossip driven) knowledge about sex, especially considering the strict sex segregation in his country. If he figures all he needs to know is "Put tab A into slot B to achieve your own orgasm", he may divest himself of his virginity but not get any further. In the same vein, how much experience does he have masturbating? Does he know his own body's reactions and turn-ons? If not, then he should find out before approaching a woman. When masturbating, he should use a condom occasionally so he becomes accustomed to the feel of it (also let the unrolled condom warm up before sliding it on). He should read up on women's sexual responses from recognized sex educators so that - despite his inexperience - he can be a more involved participant in the activity.

As he's admitted he's a bit of an introvert, the bar scene would most likely be overwhelming and intimidating for him. I'd suggest he find a hobby he's good at (that's also something that appeals to both men and women) and meet women that way. Naturally, good hygiene and grooming are a must.
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