commented on SLLLOTD: Tenure Track
Oh Dan, as a former single girl-type professor in a small university town, I think your advice was wa-hay off. OF COURSE they are going to talk about their first dates with each other (unless they hate each other) because a)small towns are boring and b) dating is rare and hard to come by in those situations. My advice is he should mention it to both of them before they figure it out. He can bring it up in a casually "oh, that's funny, I think I recently met someone who works in that department" kinda way. This gives him a little spin control.
They will talk. I'd lay money on it
commented on SL Letter of the Day: Ewww, Gross!
I just wanna say I'm not sure Dan is right about man-on-man sex seeming unmasculine to most straight women. I think the other explanation is most of it-- it seems GAY to them. Most of the straight boys we know are not only NOT interested man-on-man, but they are vehemently averse to it (part homophobia, part wiring if the science I've read is right). So when we meet a young20's guy who 'just for fun' wants to float the idea of fucking another guy, we think, "Dude, you must be gay!" because of all the stigmas he has to push through to get to this. So yes, this is bi-phobic (or maybe bi-unaware, just maybe... generally accurate). So I think most women take a step back because it seems like an orientation thing rather than a masculinity thing. And I think most women are much more threatened by the idea of their guy wanting to fuck guys than wanting to fuck other girls.
Now, if the girls already know you are Bi when they start dating you and they still say Eww, gross, that's on them. And maybe you need to explain what "Bi" means because maybe it has a different definition in Tucson than everywhere else!
Jan 31, 2012
commented on I'm So Tired of Waking Up on Monday Mornings and Punching My Radio In the Face
Okay, one important objection: The Mother Jones mag you reference implies that these institutions are only bound by the Health Care Coverage mandate because they take tax dollars. I think this is incorrect. Everyone is required to provide this coverage. Even if Catholic University wasn't accepting any tax dollars, it is still required to provide the coverage, including women's health. There are very narrow exceptions for actual Churches, but otherwise the rule applies to everyone. So it's not really accurate to suggest they have an 'out'. That's why the Catholic heirarchy has their panties in a bunch. Mind you, I disagree with them, but this might explain why they are so upset. No exemptions available to them.
Dec 25, 2011
commented on SL Letter of the Day: It's Christmastime In the Shitty
I'm so sorry for all of your pain. In addition to some of the practical suggestions above, please also consider talking to a doc or doing a screening for depression. (www.depression-screening.org
). Sometime life-altering pain (Like the loss of your wife) leaves in its wake a depression which convinces us that life is worthless, we are worthless, and we can't ask for more. And the worst part is that depression makes all of that feel absolutely true even when it isn't. Sometimes a short course of medication can make a WORLD of difference and give us back the feeling that there is something to look forward to and something to believe in. And it gives back the energy to make our lives a place we like to be again. It certainly did for me. Good luck. You aren't alone.
Dec 19, 2011
commented on SL Letter of the Day: A Change of View
I always appreciate Dan's supportive and compassionate responses. But I also want to say that I think skipping over the abuse as an issue involved in his sexual behavior might be a disservice to our friend. I am a psychologist and I have also encountered folks like our writer whose sexual abuse affected their adult sexual behavior in the ways he describes ( shame and erotic strongly tied together, at odds with his other sexual preferences, and somewhat compulsive). If he hasn't done it, he may want to consider going back to therapy to specifically explore if the stuff that happened to him in the abuse is replicated in these encounters. IF so, it's possible that this is a trauma reaction which can be healed. I'm not saying he can't be Bi. Of course that's possible. But if this is an abuse based sexual compulsion, I think he will be much happier healing the core issue rather than just accepting it as is, and may find the desire for the behavior changes. (I've seen this happen). Or he may not, but the behavior will be clearer to him. It just seems like an important perspective to add.
Dec 12, 2011
commented on "She was raised, and remains, a devout Catholic."
Dan, do you think maybe Republicans re-defined "devout" (kinda like you and your readers re-defined "Santorum") so it means "insufferably self-righteous but leading the very double life that you publicly condemn?" (Ted Haggard) or "Using the appearance of religiosity to pander to voter blocks"? If so, kudos to them on a very successful campaign! It's like people think it's the original definition now....
Sep 13, 2011
commented on Savage Love
People people people.... let's not get all hysterical about Sex Offender registries.
16 is the age of consent in most states (with a few exceptions) and most states specifically state that if you are within a certain peer-age frame (say 2 years) that sex is legal if consensual, even if younger than the age of consent. See: www.ageofconsent.us/
There's a lot of reasons for her to slow down and rethink this, but legal consequences are probably not one of them.