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Oct 24, 2014 something commented on Savage Love.
What's all this rubbish about jealousy?

It's an emotion, and not a particularly nice one. Like anger or fear. You don't "try to hide" them--you try to acknowledge and work with them, appreciate them for what they are, and control them as needed, so they don't fuck up your life.

Please read some poly books: they all write about management of jealousy. There's no perfect answer, but the question is "how do I deal with an emotion that, if not dealt with, hurts everyone?"

That said, if you don't want threesomes, then he'd probably rather know now than later, so he can make life decisions that incorporate full knowledge.
Jul 14, 2014 something commented on Savage Love.
mydriasis @ 27:

"There's a big problem with people who have no personal experience as sex workers trying to talk about what sex work is like."

In defense of EricaP, someone who does not drive can know a lot more about climate change than the average driver. Oceanographers and economists who have never caught a fish have predicted the decline of fish stocks and the effects that that would have on fishing communities. You have probably never been hit by a nuclear weapon--would it be hypocritical for you to have an opinion on what that would be like? Is "save the polar bears" a ridiculous slogan for someone from a different species? Would you read this column if you thought that gay men couldn't say anything worthwhile about straight or female dating?

How you define your pigeonholes is your business, but if you're going to say "I am part of group A and you are part of group B, which should not talk about what being in group A is like" then you'd better be prepared to argue that your way is the only correct way of dividing people into A and B. And that is almost always impossible.

Please share your experiences. They carry a great deal of weight, because you clearly know what you're talking about, you say fascinating things, and you express yourself well. I've learned much from you. But your argument for why EricaP should not opine, while a common argument in all fields, is not a very good argument.
May 22, 2014 something commented on Savage Love.
MBSOD, and The Community:

We all have social inhibitions. If a girl (for example) can't overcome the bullshit she's been taught about asking a guy for sex unless she's 5 drinks down, one possible strategy is to give consent to herself to get 5 drinks down so she can overcome society's crap and ask a guy for sex.

In other words, a view of sex as being just PIV is simplistic. If you instead view sex as the creation of opportunity, atmosphere, desire, foreplay, afterplay, etc., then having those 5 drinks is part of sex, and is something to which you consent when you start the first drink of the five, or when you set out for the party, sober, with the goal of getting drunk and fucking.

That's a possible answer, and I stand by the logic of it. However, if a girl decides to accuse a guy of rape after such a situation, it's sort of halfway reasonable for our legal system to be biased in favour of women: there's a hell of a lot more actual rape of women than there are male rapists in prison, and that's a bad thing. The only idea I have on how to reduce the number of false rape accusations is to teach our daughters that sex is fun and safe if done right, and that they shouldn't need to have 5 drinks before initiating sex, or feel ashamed of it afterwards.

Of course, very few adults are ever capable of giving consent anyway. Find an adult with a strongly held but incorrect idea, present him with overwhelming evidence as to the truth of the situation, and watch what happens. If AND ONLY IF he drops his previously held belief in the face of evidence, I'll grant that he's capable of making conscious decisions (and, as a subset of that, giving informed consent).
May 9, 2014 something commented on Savage Love.
@14: I'm pretty sure post-op trans people are unnatural by any definition.

It would be counterproductive to get your knickers in a knot about it, however. After all, knickers and knots are also unnatural. If you think "unnatural" is a bad word, don't get medicine or wear glasses or read or wear clothes. The sane among us--including the trans sane--recognise that technology makes life better.
May 9, 2014 something commented on Cyclists Should Be Able to Roll Through Stop Signs.
I have no problem ticketing cyclists who break traffic laws.

But I also believe that the punishment should fit the crime.

Since traffic laws exist for the protection of other road users, and since a tenet of any reasonable justice system is that the punishment should fit the crime, cyclists ought to be fined proportionally to their ability to do damage.

How to compute that? A car at a given speed has something like 25 times the kinetic energy of a bike at the same speed, so the simplest answer would be to scale bike fines down by a factor of 25ish. A more data-driven approach might be to compare the risk of killing someone while operating a bike vs. a car--there the difference appears to be more like 10000 (and that's just from kinetic injuries, and doesn't count the fact that the driver of a car bears more responsibility for smog and global warming and sending troops to Iraq and whatnot).

Anyway. I'm all for treating cyclists as traffic, as long as the punishment fits the crime.
Apr 29, 2014 something commented on Savage Love.
What is the risk of a creeper following PANTIES home vs. the risk of her taking a car--or crossing a street--on the way home?
Feb 25, 2014 something commented on Savage Love.
RING: no matter how good it seems right now, religious nutcases aren't worth it.
Dec 9, 2013 something commented on Savage Love.

"I'm not sure what talking about it would accomplish, other than being honest at the expense of my boyfriend's feelings, and probably making me feel bad for something that, although it seemed innocent and harmless in the moment, I shouldn't have done."

It would push boundaries, which, in a relationship, is often valuable--if the boundaries are too big, then you break up, but if not, then you become closer, and I'd argue that either possibility is better than the alternative of not pushing them.
Nov 23, 2013 something commented on Savage Love.
Why shouldn't gender roles and expressions be mocked? It seems to me that prescriptions about which genders should behave in which ways should die a horrible death, and satire is likely to help. Is it any different than making fun of religious beliefs/expressions? Does anyone here think that religions should be beyond mockery?
Apr 21, 2013 something commented on Savage Love.
We have a boy who is gay and believes that God loves fags, a boy who is gay and sort of believes that God hates fags, a few miscellaneous friends who believe that God hates fags, and a bishop who believes that God loves fags. Not just that--we have billions of different people who not only believe vehemently that God loves or hates fags, but who believe vehemently all kinds of random stuff. Why do they believe this stuff? Either because they've been brainwashed, or because they WANT TO believe this stuff and their religions let them believe whatever tripe they want to. "The Church has gotten things wrong before" is bollocks. The Bible _does_ condemn gays, it _does_ say that God loves gays (and also hates them), it condemns slavery, it endorses slavery, it sure as hell endorses polygamy and stoning your disobedient children to death and whatnot. The Qur'an endorses both exemplary hospitality to everyone and forced conversion of infidels, depending on which bits you're reading. Etc.

So why not ask God what He thinks? Lots of people do, and they get lots of different answers, and they're all not only different but completely incompatible. If God is actually answering, then He's more than a little undecided Himself.

Nobody has ever figured out a way of establishing what God really thinks--if someone had, then we'd all ask Him, get the same answer, and there would be no more religious debate. As it is, most religions can be used to justify most any position you care to take.

Therefore, trying to figure anything out with the aid of religion is moronic.